Husband pissed himself, again

Saw your update. Ok, so stay with him then! It’s only affecting you and your children, not us 🤷🏻‍♀️

But there’s really no point in posting about it next time he does it which will be soon as he’s already told you he will do it again and there have been no consequences to his behaviour so now it’s likely to get worse as he knows he can do whatever the fck he wants now.

Im sure you’ll post about this again in despair telling us all how awful he is and nothing will change so why bother even asking what people think?! 🙄

I read out a message that said ‘save this message as there won’t be a next time’ and he’s actually annoyed at me now because I’m upset and he’s said sorry and I need to get over it cos it’s not like he’s murdered someone, and he was on his best behaviour on our holiday with friends! My daughter has even said ‘he’s said sorry’ and my son now doesn’t even seem bothered. Somehow I’m not the baddie for not just rolling over, accepting his apology and acting like everything is fine again! He’s even admitted now that it probably will happen again.

I've already said it's revolting, and grim, but that aside I agree with pps that he sounds like an alcoholic who is unwilling to change.

It might be that your children have come to accept this behaviour as the norm, and that is even worse.

I don't know why you'd stay in this situation.

Your children don't know any different. They're scared of change. It's not their decision. You have the right to live without your furniture being pissed on.

He was on his best behaviour in holiday with friends, I should bloody hope so he's an adult and shouldn't need a pat on the head for behaving.

OP, I agree with PP.

Your children are just that ... children. You are the adult.

Every woman who has had to make a hard decision like this is in agony about the effect on their kids. The worst day of my life was telling my 6 & 4 yo that their dad was leaving (he wouldn't tell them). The 6 yo barely got it, the 4 yo was confused and cried nightly for most of a year. Luckily my 2 yo didn't know what was happening.

It's brutal. There's no easy way. However my ex was already destroying our lives. He would have ruined their childhood. He has wreaked havoc on me & the 3 DC in the decade since this happened. But - I stepped up for them. I made the hard decision because it was the right one.

Is it a perfect situation? No, far from it. The kids go through periods of being sad they don't have an involved father. I'm a less than perfect mother & blame myself for a lot. I have not had another relationship and limited friendships. Money is a struggle. But other parts of our lives work - kids are doing well at school, their sports & friendships, I've a good job, and we have space from an abusive man.

I'm sympathetic OP but you can't actually base your decision on what your kids are saying. Or your fear of being the bad guy. You need to be their parent. And you need to stand up for yourself.

The best gift to your children is to show them you value yourself and then.

Don't wait any longer. Kick him out - and I do mean that. Pack his bags tomorrow I tell him to go. I did this. I had to.

He isn’t going to accept he has an alcohol problem and stop drinking so there is no point speaking to him a out it. Either you stay or you don’t. Children who live with alcoholics are much more likely to become alcoholics themselves.

@Tutu365

We’re all addicted to something - sugar, caffeine, work, food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping - and the way out of addiction is looking at what purpose it’s serving. What is it doing for us?

Not sure where you got the notion that everyone is an addict! Addicts are bad people... but that doesn't mean everyone is an addict.

Addicts are not bad people. We’re all addicted to something to feel relaxed, alive, get us through a shitty day, numb pain, overcome social anxiety, self-medicate etc etc.

I highly recommend Dr Gabor Maté on the topic of addiction. He is a compassionate and wise speaker/writer on the subject.

OP I haven’t rtft since my last post but a quick scan through suggests to me he is deep in denial and your children understandably don’t want mummy and daddy to argue hence then taking his side - as PPs have said, they will see things differently as adults.

As I said before, support him to go to AA. I also sent a link from Mind with a load of drug and alcohol charities. Highly recommend Al-Anon for you and the kids.

I’m absolutely not condoning his drinking to excess and I’m not saying you should enable him to live any longer like this. You absolutely shouldn’t and please don’t - for any of your sakes but particularly your children, obviously.

What I’m saying is he’s not a bad person, there should be no shame around it, and the problem he has is the reason he’s doing this heavy drinking, not the heavy drinking itself. Hopefully with the right support from the right charity, he will get to the root of his issues and your family will ride this out as a unit.

@Tutu365 the things you say make sense, but only up to a point. I am the widow of an alcoholic, and I am familiar with Gabor Mate's work, but I take issue with the idea that OP and her DC should 'ride this out as a family' no matter what.

Living with an addict for a parent damages children. The evidence for this is hugely powerful. This means OP has a choice to make and absolutely should not stay with her husband endlessly no matter what. Only she can decide what the cutoff is, but she should not feel she has to stay and watch the cumulative damage to her DC.

Everything depends on OP's husband accepting that he has a problem and taking action and responsibility to do something about it. I stayed with mine for 6.5 years after realising he was addicted to alcohol and he never reached that moment.

My DC have needed years of therapy to deal with the damage. DC2 is still working on it almost 5 years after his addiction killed him. You should not be advising OP to continue on a path that will end the same way. OP is allowed to take the decision to leave.

As for everyone being addicted to something - not all addictions are created equal. I am addicted to coffee, but I only have one mug a day in the morning. If I do not have that mug, I have an awful headache that no painkillers will shift. But if I do have that mug, it does not adversely affect anyone else at all.

And no people as individuals are not all addicted to something, whatever gave you that idea.

It’s not OPs job either to support him to go to AA. Unless he wants to go of his own volition there is no point. Familial coercion never works. Do you think he is ready and willing to go to AA?. He’s an alcoholic in absolute denial.

Do you not think these children in particular have seen more than enough alcoholism already?. They are being harmed here daily by seeing all this.

There is no riding this out as a family unit. If he wants help which he does not he needs to seek that without them. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism either. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

OP cannot help nor fix her alcoholic. She can only help her own self and her children ultimately by removing themselves from this unhealthy dynamic. Whether she will do so however, is another matter entirely and she may well not.

. I just hope our son doesn’t come down and see him as last year it affected him so much 😢

Are you honestly happy for your children to grow up in a household where someone getting so drunk they piss themselves is normal?

It's your job as a parent to protect your children. Your 14 year old will be talking it all in, it's probably upsetting him as much as last time but he's probably worried it'll kick off if he expresses it.

I grew up in a house full of drunkenness it was awful. Took me many years to grow out of feeling that all special occasions needed a drink and that drunkenness is a normal state.

Your daughter saw that he was so drunk he pissed himself a year ago when she was 8. She found a puddle of piss today. She was around last night when he had 20 bottles of beer. For such a young child she appears massively exposed to drunken adults.

Addiction doesn’t discriminate between good and bad people. I’ve worked on detox wards before and there were good people who got addicted and some really quite unpleasant people who got addicted. Some addicts are bad people and they were bad people before they became addicted because that’s just their core personality.

OPs partner is abusive to her even when he has sobered up. Don’t minimise that and blame everything on alcohol. No one can properly engage in therapeutic process of getting sober if they aren’t willing to start taking responsibility for their behaviour and its effects on others.

It's just awful.

Some men maybe do do it (definitely not loads tho) - and it's men who have a problem with alcohol & from reading the thread those men end up losing their partners because it's so disgusting!

Hand hold OP, you're in an awful situation and need to do what is best for you and your two children for the long and short term. He does sound awful in a way that goes beyond this specific issue and the three of you shouldn't be seeing any of this as normal

Just wow.

Seriously?

I literally know no other men who piss themselves when drunk. My mum’s partner was an alcoholic and he never pissed himself.

The fact that he thinks it’s excusable should tell you all you need to know. It won’t stop.

Nocturia twice a year and struggling to remain continent the rest of the time is not usual in healthy adults, no. When was the last time you or I wet the bed.

So he can stop normalising this and either see his GP or do something about his drinking.

If he refuses then let him go off and piddle the bed to his heart's content alone.

It really isn’t common. If he had to choose between alcohol and his family, what would he choose?

I can think of several men that I knew who were lost to drink an early age, it was their highest priority from late teens onwards, I would get rid of this man and move otherwise you'll keep encountering him pissed out of his head and stinking of piss sleeping in a shop doorway

He actually told you that loads of men do it😱
my god what company does he keep?? his friends must already be people who sleep on the streets and piss themselves

Only ever met one who did it. It was well known amongst the other students (yes, students, who drink like fish) he had a drink problem.

My dads dad too. My dad grew up and hated him so much he changed his surname to distance himself from him. The guy had a great job too, if he hadn't drank all the money away, we'd still be rich today.

For what it's worth you're husband couldn't be further from the truth. I don't know any men that get themselves into such a state the piss themselves so no, not all or most men do it x
Really feel for you 😢

The fact that you've mentioned how badly affected your child was last time this happened would be enough for me to kick him out.
I saw my dad horribly drunk only once and it's had a lifelong effect on me. Your kids deserve better than this drunk.