Husband pissed himself, again

When that person refuses to get help, refuses to even apologise to his wife, it's not an addiction that can be fought by the wife. The addict has to understand he is one and see the affect on his family.

He doesn't care. He doesn't give a shit.

This is not a true actual "in sickness and in health" situation. This is a selfish arsehole being a selfish arsehole, and not caring who he hurts.

That doesn't mean everyone can or should just put up with dickhead behaviour. Fuck that.

LTB. I wish I'd divorced mine years ago rather than putting up with shit like this on a regular basis.

My ex would go out and binge drink, he once came home and pissed over an extension socket which blew the electrics in the house. Didn't realise until the children wanted to watch tv the next morning. He would vomit almost every time he went out and fairly regularly even when drinking at home. He also had multiple one nights stands and a long affair which ultimately ended our marriage - all these things happened/started on nights out.

On other occasions he:

tried to get into bed with my sister when she stayed at ours once, claiming he went into the wrong room 'accidentally' because he was so drunk.

I never slept properly when he was in that kind of state which was just as well as I couldn't count the times I woke up just in time to stop him taking a piss in our wardrobe or the corner of the room.

Went to a funeral and got so wankered at the wake afterwards that he vomited all over himself. Then came home and (I wasn't aware he was covered in vomit) laid on our 6yo DD's bed and read her a story. It was only when he passed out fell asleep on there and she came to find me to tell me 'Daddy doesn't smell very nice' that I realised the state he was in. I should've divorced him on the spot for that one.

Got so drunk at a wedding that I had to stop the car on the way home, he barely opened the door before vomiting red wine everywhere - all over the cream interior of the car and door. Guess who cleared that up because he was in no fit state to 🙄

Drove home at 3am one night, in my car, when he was so drunk he could barely stand. I wish someone had seen him and called the police.

Pissed in the bin in the children's bathroom after a night out on a weeknight. I was actually in the process of painting the bathroom at the time and only realised what he'd done the following day when I went to move the bin out of the way and it was full of piss. I was reaching breaking point by this time and we actually split a few months later.

I like a drink but I never allow myself to reach that state. I have no idea if he is any better now, but my life is so much better without him in it. I would be on edge whenever he was drinking as I never knew what world of shit I would have to deal with in the aftermath. I would then get accused of being miserable, not allowing him to have fun. I was teetotal pretty much back then as I couldn't drink knowing the state he would be in with young children in the house, he would get utterly paralytic. He certainly had a problem with alcohol and I am so glad that my children are no longer growing up witnessing his behaviour. I just wish I had never tolerated any of it, I look back and wonder what the hell was wrong with me to put up with any of it.

Please ditch him OP. No-one, not you nor the children, should have to live with this.

Do your children see him or have visitations with him?

The fact he has turned the cushion over rather than clean it shows his contempt for the family. He will literally rather have his children or wife sir in his piss than deal with it or admit it.

This is bang on.

He doesn't give a shit about you or the kids.

You should be furious.

How dare he.

@AllOfThemWitches

I thought marriage covered 'in sickness and in health.'

An addiction is a sickness.

If her husband was a drug addict spending family money on his addiction, she should stay 'because in sickness and in health'?

If her husband was a gambling addict risking their home with his addiction, she should stay 'because in sickness and in health'?

If her husband was a sex addict repeatedly cheating on her, she should stay 'because in sickness and in health'?

Why on earth do you think that addiction means someone can behave how they want and hold someone to ransom due to marriage vows, despite the damage they do to their partner?

Does 'in sickness and in health' override the other vows where the partner with an addiction also promise to love, honour, cherish etc their partner?

And OP's primary responsibility, married or not, is to her children. It is not in their best interests to grow up under the same roof as someone who drinks too much despite knowing the consequence of doing so will be to urinate on his family's furniture / on himself.

With a man who has such little respect and care for them that he turns over a cushion he's pissed on instead of cleaning it. That isn't his addiction, that's a conscious decision to not deal with the consequences.

With a man who laughs when his daughter finds a puddle of his own piss on the floor instead of apologising or feeling mortified. That isn't his addiction, it's his authentic reaction. He doesn't give one shiny shit.

Even if he has an addition, it doesn't give him the right to reduce the quality of life and mental wellbeing of his wife and children 'because in sickness and health'.

It's revolting and grim, for all of you, and you've already given him a chance.

Your husband has an alcohol problem and you're both in denial. Remember, "it's caught, not taught." Your daughter is observing everything and learning from it. Do you want her to think this behavior is normal? Do you want her to choose a man like this when she grows up? Your husband needs to get help and stop drinking today. If he won't, you need to show your daughter that his behavior is neither normal nor acceptable by leaving.

I'm sorry when he drinks, he knows what might happen and what he promised you
I'm sure you've lost respect for him now, so it's time to do what you promised
Ignore any apologies, it's done now

This isnt being too forgiving. It is having poor boundaries and not protecting your children.

This is the crux of it. This man thinks it is funny if his own children have to sit in his piss.

I’m going to have to repeat myself here:

You are enabling this behaviour.

If he is unwilling or unable to admit that he has a problem then he will not be able to accept that there is a need for a solution.

He's an alcoholic.

Only people who piss themselves when they are drunk, are alcoholics.

You need to talk with your children about daddy having a problem with alcohol too. Because otherwise they're going to think its normal for people to get that drunk on alcohol. You need to make sure they never accept a partner coming home and pissing all over their furniture. And many things that'll come along with dating men like that.

So yes, divorce, and make it clear to the kids WHY. Because he promised to stop and he hasn't. And you can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself and he doesn't. And it's not good enough for you. Or for them. And it jolly well shouldn't be.

Hopefully he will change his ways but, your kids need to know we don't tolerate the behaviour. And that it's really not normal.

Do you always do whatever your kids ask for?

You are the adult. The children are too young to understand the long term ramifications of growing up with an alcoholic parent. You need to set an example as an adult, and show them that this behaviour is not normal or okay.

They are accepting this behaviour because you have accepted it time and time again, this is what they have learnt from you.

In a decade or two they will be on the relationships board trying to make sense of their toxic childhood.

'If someone kicked a puppy and then said sorry, would that make it OK?'

Some things are not forgivable.

'What if he said - sorry. Oh but I will probably do it again. Would you believe that he was sorry? Daddy isn't sorry. And I'm sorry about that guys. But I absolutely won't be forgiving him. He's done it before and will do it again. But not under my roof'.

This is a good opportunity to teach your children right from wrong and not to tolerate bs.

OP my DC begged me not to leave my XH when he kicked the shit out of me.

I had to still leave him. Now, years later as young adults, they ask why I didn't leave sooner!!

Yea when they are older they'll go 'he came in drunk and pissed all over the place on multiple occasions...no fucking wonder you chucked him out! He's only himself to blame!'.

It's pretty sad how you bend yourself to fit staying with him.

But crack on OP, no one on here is affected by it, and we'll see you next time.

You've already taught your kids that it's okay because they're seemingly at peace with it now and accept it as normal.

As a child I made excuses for an alcoholic parent because I loved them and wanted to protect them. I excused all sorts of behaviour.

I was a child.

Do not allow this to be your children.

He doesn't care. He loves alcohol more than he loves you or his children. He will do it again. He will get worse. He will drunk drive.

I do understand why you stay. The fear is powerful, I stayed for over 6 years after realising my husband was an alcoholic. Try to do better than I did, having an alcoholic parent is far more damaging to children than divorce.

My daughter has even said ‘he’s said sorry’ and my son now doesn’t even seem bothered. Somehow I’m not the baddie for not just rolling over, accepting his apology and acting like everything is fine again!

Kids minimise, and make excuses for parents. Believe it or not, they're probably doing all kinds of mental gymnastics, trying to convince themselves that winning the life lottery of having a dad who gets shitfaced and pisses all over the house is not as truly shameful and humiliating as it feels.

I was one of those kids, so I know.