Husband pissed himself, again

@MariaVT65 is right. This will destroy your DCs childhood Don’t do that to them.

My advice would be to contact Al-anon for support but to also follow through with your divorce plans.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce has some info.

Read that then sit down and work out your financial position and custody arrangements.

Good luck

Ok, I searched your post from last year and you said he does this every few months, your daughter was traumatised and in tears and then you said this:

Well I’ve just been told I’m soft, all men do it, he shoved me cos I was being a dick head and a pain. He doesn’t care he’s upset the kids along with a ton of other abuse. I’m heartbroken. He’s said I need to pack my bags and go as it’s his house he pays for it (it’s joint). He’s just told my daughter ‘he doesn’t care as he doesn’t even like me anyway’.

So, he's abusive too? At this point its on you, you are actively choosing to stay with an abusive, drunk man who "traumatises" your children (your own words). If you dont kick him out then you are complicit in traumatising your children too. Start taking some responsibility for your children and get them away from this monster.

This

Get rid of him

Hi Op, I hope you're doing OK.

You said when this happened a year ago it was 'the final straw'. But it wasn't because you forgave him and agreed to stay together.

Now he's (literally) peed all over his promise to you, and peed all over your marriage by showing that he didn't mean his promises last year. It would be very easy to refuse alcohol (unless he has an addiction, in which case I'd leave him for that reason) but he chose to put having another drink over his wife and children.

That's because either:

• you really aren't that important to him
• he arrogantly thinks he can treat you badly and you'll always forgive him
• he isn't control of his drinking.

Whichever of those it is, you need to leave him. He's shown you that you can't trust his promises. He's shown you that he won't prioritise your marriage over drink. He's shown you that he isn't that mortified about what happened last year / many times in the past, and is happy to keep doing it.

He can be as 'mortified' as he likes today, but clearly he isn't really, or it wouldn't have ever happened again. If you forgive him, it will keep happening.

You were very clear a year ago - do it again and we're divorcing. If you stay with him now, you will just embed his idea that he can treat you like sh*t and you'll stick around. He'll be MORE likely to do it again. It will devalue you in his eyes.

If you split now - be clear with him that it's all on him. It was his choice. You had a clear agreement and he's the one who chose to divorce by going back on the agreement.

Aside from all of that, how could you possibly respect or be attracted to him anymore? No matter how (pretend) contrite he is, or even if he somehow managed to never do it again (he won't) why would you want to stay with someone so repulsive?

@moonlitwalks yes, I remember that. Those poor children have had no choice but to have this abusive man in their home.

OP - no sympathy from me. You’re enabling the abuse by allowing him to stay.

Your poor children. They must be terrified, and deeply ashamed. I was a teenager in a similar though less long-standing situation, and it was so frightening realising my father had no control of himself.

The poor lamb. Who knew the way to deal with an alcoholic was to gently ask them to drink less volume in the future

And ignore his threats about "youll have to leave" etc. Obviously it suits him nicely for you to believe that. That is why you need legal advice. You needto know exactly where you stand legally, so he can't intimidate you

OP he is an alcoholic who has no self respect, let alone respect for you and his children. He doesn't take you seriously because he knows you will never mean what you say, they are empty and hollow threats from you to leave. You NEED to follow through on them, now. He will never change, because he knows he doesn't need to change. You won't actually leave. Prove him wrong. Do it for your DC, if nothing or no one else. They don't need to live like this and see this. As the daughter of an alcoholic who did similar, you will never ever forget what you see. I remember incidents with crystal clear clarity, from when I was around 8. Get your DC out now, before it's too late. And only allow daytime visits for him and the children.

He definitely has a problem. This is not normal. I'm sorry OP 💐

@Tutu365

We’re all addicted to something - sugar, caffeine, work, food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping - and the way out of addiction is looking at what purpose it’s serving.

I don't think this is true at all. Not everyone is addicted to something. And I say that as someone who has been in the past.

@OddSockSeeker

Not so mortified and ashamed that he's changed his behaviour despite knowing the exact trigger that makes him do this thing. Instead he's repeatedly chosen to repeat the same behaviour, with the same outcome.

when I was younger my mum had a partner like this. He would get too drunk and wet himself and pissed on the sofa. My mum didn’t leave him for ages.
This is disgusting and horrible for your children too. If my partner got so drunk he pissed himself I would definitely leave as I wouldn’t want this to be an example for my kids.

OP, how much worse goes it have to get before you leave?

He's vile & will never change. Look at your last post - he turned the urinated-on cushion around & left it. Dear God. How much lower he go?

It will be hard to end things, initially. But soon it will be much much better. 💐

I guess I’m scared of change! And my problem always has been I’m too forgiving

Then you'll have to accept this is your life now and have it carry on upsetting you and your children. I'm not really sure what you want people to say?- the only solution here is to dump him but you clearly dont want to. There is no magic solution to this and he isnt going to change so if you wont split then I'm not really sure what you want people to suggest.

I guess I’m scared of change!

But what is so scary about change?. Change can be good and in this instance for the better.

"And my problem always has been I’m too forgiving !"

And where did this start with you and or come from?. My guess is childhood and stems from having to parent please. It needs addressing in therapy. He has an ideal foil in you primarily because you have been too forgiving. Forgiving someone who has not owned up to their actions makes you unnecessarily vulnerable. Forgiving your alcoholic H, who has never taken any responsibility for his actions, falls short of holding him accountable.

And my problem always has been I’m too forgiving!
youre not too forgiving. That isnt a thing. You're re-framing your behaviour as a positive. It isnt. This isnt being too forgiving. It is having poor boundaries and not protecting your children.

your problem has always been you have poor boundaries and are modelling this to your children.

"I didn’t urinate or vomit anywhere!"

**and there is your own calm response right there if he throws that one at you.

You want to cry?. How do you think your kids feel?. Get angry at him or are you incapable of doing that?.

What you describe is no life for your kids to witness at first hand. The longer you remain with him for your own reasons, the more emotionally harmed your children will become. What are they going to remember primarily about their own childhoods?.

Being too forgiving is not a positive attribute; it makes you look like a doormat. Forgiving to keep the peace or people pleasing is not healthy for your mental health or your relationship

There is no further conversation to be had.

Today, go out (or be away from him) with the DC.

Will he be in work tomorrow?

Who can you talk to IRL?

I'm all for making plans but sometimes you just need to call it. When I finally finished with my abusive ex, it was one thing he did that was the step too far. I told him the following day he had to leave. He didn't believe me. I reiterated it each day for a week & on the 7th day he left.

(There were subsequently massive financial & practical considerations to be faced; I'm still facing them. But he left, thank God).