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Original poster

Husband pissed himself, again

228 replies

Lwveeee213 · 09/07/2023 00:36

Hi everyone. I posted a thread which ironically was about a year ago. Husband wet himself drunk in front of kids. Anyway it’s something he does when he drinks too much. Last year was the final straw and we nearly divorced and went to marriage counselling, and since swore and promised he wouldn’t drink so much that he would do it again. Anyway, I’ve noticed lately he’s been drinking more and more and his friends came today and this evening and he has drank LOADS of beers. I’ve not had a drink so was silently observing and he didn’t turn any down, encouraged more, never once said he would take his time even though he knows what happens. I gave his friends a lift home and left him on the couch. I’ve settled our daughter to bed, our teenage son is gaming in his room and as I’ve walked past and thought yuck youre disgusting, I see he has wet himself. On our couch we’ve had literally a few months. So he can’t even go one damn year. And it’s like he thinks I’ll forget the promise and he sees how far he can push it with his drinking until it happens!
I know tomorrow he will be full of guilt, remorse, saying he shouldn’t of drank too much the usual self pity, but I promised myself I’d divorce him if it happens again, and it has. So I guess now after twelve months of us having a relatively happy marriage I now have to keep my word as it’s clear he can’t keep any promises and he thinks I’ll just let him keep getting away with it! Any advice anyone please 😩

OP posts:
FantasticElasticBand · 09/07/2023 09:19

When you sort out division of assets - make sure you give him the sofa.

When you feel your resolve weaken - think of your DC / you / friends sitting on that pissy sofa.

This is no way to live - lurching from one pissy episode to the next.

justsayso · 09/07/2023 09:20

I remember your thread OP from last year. I'm aghast that you're still living with this man. You're allowing your children to be damaged by witnessing his behaviour and passively letting it happen.
There's no point in you making another thread about your husband's pathetic behaviour. You need to ask yourself what's stopping you from leaving? No one is going to say the magic words to help you see the light. You need to put your big girl pants on, get some self respect and leave.
I'd say do the right thing for your children but clearly even they aren't important enough of a motivator for you. Leave, OP, before your children either spend years in therapy, repeat his alcoholic (or your passive) behaviour patterns, or go no contact with you as adults because you failed to protect them.

Backstreets · 09/07/2023 09:25

Alcoholic or not knowing he could piss all over the sofa like an old dog when he has a drink and he still chooses to do it? It happening once should have been enough to make a tee totaller out of him, how isn’t he mortified?

happyfoot · 09/07/2023 09:25

The problem is- you already gave him an ultimatum last year and he's done it again. So, if you dont start divorce proceedings now he'll know you didnt really mean it and it will carry on and potentially get worse because he now knows that your consequences were meaningless. Can you live the rest of your life like this?

Stand by what you said last year and get rid. If you dont, this will now be your life and it WILL affect your children, no matter how you try to hide it from them. Urinating over himself and on the sofa indicates an alcohol problem. Its not just a one off, its happened before and it will happen again. You have a very difficult decision to make and I know its not easy but this is a case of choose your difficult: divorce is difficult, but living with someone who gets so drunk they urinate on the sofa is difficult. Personally, I'd choose the former and it may actually shock him into getting help.

blossomblu · 09/07/2023 09:26

Bloody gross.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 09:26

He has a problem with binge drinking he clearly can't stop. What a terrible example to teens in the house.

IF you want to stay with him then I would have a boundary of no alcohol in the home whatsoever

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 09:27

OddSockSeeker · 09/07/2023 07:02

I can see why you’re upset. I would be too. I wouldn’t shame him as he’s going to feel bad enough. I remember as a child how shameful it felt when I’d wet the bed so as an adult it must be mortifying.

If you feel you don’t want to stay with him anymore then you can tell him in a gentle way. He’d be better drinking less volume in future. Drinking pints of beer causes incontinence in a lot of people. When I was a student I cleaned hotel rooms in the summer hols. I had to deal with so many wet beds. It’s quite common. Still not nice to deal with though. Do what’s right for you but be kind in how you do it. He’s going to feel so much shame.x

I'm not sure if he will, he wouldn't keep on doing it if he's that ashamed- I'd never drink pints again if it happened even once!

dawngreen · 09/07/2023 09:30

Any medical issues that would add to this when he drinks??

TeddyFluff · 09/07/2023 09:31

ew. I don’t blame you, how unattractive 🤮

BishopRock · 09/07/2023 09:34

Lwveeee213 · 09/07/2023 00:48

When we went to counselling last year he said he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, I don’t think he has as sometimes he’s fine and sometimes he doesn’t drink at all, it seems to be summer when he gets carried away and doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself getting into the state where he knows he ends up setting himself. He does know he just doesn’t seem to care if it will happen or not, and the longer it goes on it’s like he thinks ‘ooh I drank that much last week and I didn’t wet myself so I’ll just drink loads again’
Yet another couch he’s ruined. I just hope our son doesn’t come down and see him as last year it affected him so much 😢

For the sake of your children you need to follow through on the promise you made last time.

You're currently teaching them that this disgusting behaviour is something they have to put up with, and are setting them up for accepting poor behaviour in their own relationships.

You can change that by teaching them it's unacceptable and that the option to leave is always one they can take.

Qilin · 09/07/2023 09:35

ymemanresu · 09/07/2023 01:01

Is he pre diabetic? No? Are you sure? 100% ? I have experience of this and i was fuming too but it was due to genetic pre diabetes. There are tablets to prevent this .

Surely then it would happen at other times not just coincidently when he has drink a huge amount of alcohol.

Qilin · 09/07/2023 09:38

OddSockSeeker · 09/07/2023 07:02

I can see why you’re upset. I would be too. I wouldn’t shame him as he’s going to feel bad enough. I remember as a child how shameful it felt when I’d wet the bed so as an adult it must be mortifying.

If you feel you don’t want to stay with him anymore then you can tell him in a gentle way. He’d be better drinking less volume in future. Drinking pints of beer causes incontinence in a lot of people. When I was a student I cleaned hotel rooms in the summer hols. I had to deal with so many wet beds. It’s quite common. Still not nice to deal with though. Do what’s right for you but be kind in how you do it. He’s going to feel so much shame.x

This is nothing like a young child involuntary wetting the bed! They are no comparison whatsoever.

This is a grown man who has soiled himself because he has consumed so much alcohol. I wouldn't care if he felt ashamed. He should do! It isn't normal for grown adults to wet themselves after drinking.

Soontobe60 · 09/07/2023 09:39

Tutu365 · 09/07/2023 00:45

Alternatively, would he admit after tonight that he has a problem and go get help from AA?

We’re all addicted to something - sugar, caffeine, work, food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping - and the way out of addiction is looking at what purpose it’s serving. What is it doing for us?

This is the sort of thing he could look at with an addiction counsellor and really make some inroads into childhood trauma, pain etc.

If he can do this for you, for the family but importantly himself, it would be win-win and your kids would have a stable family.

You think someone who gets so drunk that they wet themselves has childhood trauma?
Drug / alcohol addictions are physical, not mental. The body craves the substance, so you take more, therefore it craves more.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2023 09:40

Lwveeee213

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

re your comment:
"When we went to counselling last year he said he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, I don’t think he has as sometimes he’s fine and sometimes he doesn’t drink at all, it seems to be summer when he gets carried away and doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself getting into the state where he knows he ends up wetting himself."

Why did you go to counselling with him at all?. That was a mistake on your part.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you also grow up seeing parents drink heavily too?.

Of course he is going to state to a counsellor he does not have a problem with alcohol and you are saying the same in the above. You're both wrong; he is an alcoholic in denial (and denial is a powerful force). In turn you're playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; namely codependent partner and enabler. Not all alcoholics drink on park benches and some of them do not drink every day either. The fact is that when he starts he does not stop.

Alcoholism is called the "family disease" for good reason; you are all affected by the alcoholic.

How many more years are you going to watch him ruin yet another sofa, not least of all your children's childhoods?. A urine soaked sofa affected your son markedly last year and now he is going to see that again. Alcoholism will become the cornerstone of their childhood if you do not act decisively to get your alcoholic out of your lives. Your own relationship with them being at risk in adulthood because they will not want to see either of you.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Your own poor choice to stay until now at least, for what are really your own reasons, have only served to hurt you as well as your kids.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even started yet and will not until you get your alcoholic out of your day to day lives. If you want support get this from Al-anon because they are helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. Contact them as well as seeking legal advice on divorce.

giraffetrousers · 09/07/2023 09:41

Qilin · 09/07/2023 09:38

This is nothing like a young child involuntary wetting the bed! They are no comparison whatsoever.

This is a grown man who has soiled himself because he has consumed so much alcohol. I wouldn't care if he felt ashamed. He should do! It isn't normal for grown adults to wet themselves after drinking.

Show quote history

Agree- this is a ludicrous comparison. Children cant help wetting the bed. This man is a grown adult who gets wasted and wets the bed. He doesnt wet the bed when he's sober- its his own actions causing this. Living with someone with an alcohol problem is not remotely the same as living with a child who wets the bed. Good grief.

Qilin · 09/07/2023 09:42

SaysRelaaxxx · 09/07/2023 08:52

How often does he drink too much? Has it been a year since he last drank too much, or does he do it regularly? I only ask because a big bender once a year is probably normal for most people

Setting yourself once a year, however, is not normal.
I have never wet myself through drink. Dh hasn't either.
That's because it isn't normal adult behaviour!
Even if drinking a lot it isn't normal to be so out of it that you cannot get to the toilet!

baconcrisp · 09/07/2023 09:42

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

PaigeMatthews · 09/07/2023 09:42

mathanxiety · 09/07/2023 01:36

Yes, you now have to do what you should have done last year (or even before then).

Your children will wake to a piss-soaked couch.

They will look to you for leadership.

This. It wasnt the last straw at all last hear as youve just spent another twelve months watching him drink more and more. He also doesnt admit he has a drinking problem. You also think because sometimes he isnt a drunk mess all the time that he is fine. That isnt how alcoholism works. You can be an alcoholic without being permanently drunk and permanently pissing yourself.

but if tou dont think he is an alcoholic you should leave, then what you are left with is a man who doesnt care enough about his home and family not to piss himself and ruin the couch, taking away money from family funds.

he needs to leave.

SpringleDingle · 09/07/2023 09:43

Nobody who becomes incontinent through alcohol consumption and continues to repeat the experience has a healthy relationship with the demon drink.

You set a boundary, outlined a consequence and then watched him try and eventually fail to control his drinking. It’s not a big request… don’t drink so much that you piss on the sofa.

In your case I’d leave. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic and a guy who regularly drinks enough to be incontinent is an alcoholic.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2023 09:44

And where he goes is not your problem so do not write that he has nowhere to go.

MariaVT65 · 09/07/2023 09:44

Please leave for the sake of your children. They will remember this, and it’s possible they will resent you if you don’t do something about it. That’s how i felt about my parents.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2023 09:45

There are no guarantees either when it comes to alcoholism; he could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. Let your alcoholic go and start your own recovery from his alcoholism which has also affected your children.

PaigeMatthews · 09/07/2023 09:47

SaysRelaaxxx · 09/07/2023 08:52

How often does he drink too much? Has it been a year since he last drank too much, or does he do it regularly? I only ask because a big bender once a year is probably normal for most people

Pissing yourself when drunk is never normal. I think gently @SaysRelaaxxx it is important that you see the responses here as a wake up call too.

Naunet · 09/07/2023 09:47

Revolting. If you insist on staying with him again despite your ultimatum (and you really shouldn’t), buy him a fucking kennel.

CanWeDiscussThisPlease · 09/07/2023 09:48

What’s the point of the 😢 regarding your son seeing his father in this state yet AGAIN?

It must have been absolutely fucking awful for your son to witness that a year ago. I remember your thread from then. I’m appalled that you gave this repulsive man yet another chance by choosing to let him stay.

Woman up, for God’s sake, and kick him out. Your children deserve far better. And stop the 😢 emojis.