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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband pissed himself, again

228 replies

Lwveeee213 · 09/07/2023 00:36

Hi everyone. I posted a thread which ironically was about a year ago. Husband wet himself drunk in front of kids. Anyway it’s something he does when he drinks too much. Last year was the final straw and we nearly divorced and went to marriage counselling, and since swore and promised he wouldn’t drink so much that he would do it again. Anyway, I’ve noticed lately he’s been drinking more and more and his friends came today and this evening and he has drank LOADS of beers. I’ve not had a drink so was silently observing and he didn’t turn any down, encouraged more, never once said he would take his time even though he knows what happens. I gave his friends a lift home and left him on the couch. I’ve settled our daughter to bed, our teenage son is gaming in his room and as I’ve walked past and thought yuck youre disgusting, I see he has wet himself. On our couch we’ve had literally a few months. So he can’t even go one damn year. And it’s like he thinks I’ll forget the promise and he sees how far he can push it with his drinking until it happens!
I know tomorrow he will be full of guilt, remorse, saying he shouldn’t of drank too much the usual self pity, but I promised myself I’d divorce him if it happens again, and it has. So I guess now after twelve months of us having a relatively happy marriage I now have to keep my word as it’s clear he can’t keep any promises and he thinks I’ll just let him keep getting away with it! Any advice anyone please 😩

OP posts:
coolcahuna · 09/07/2023 08:25

N27 · 09/07/2023 08:01

🤢 my ex husband used to do this. Sometimes he would wet himself wherever he lay, sometimes he would physically get up and go to the toilet….just in the wrong place. He’s pissed in the wardrobe, out the window, at the foot of the bed, in the washing basket. He had absolutely no recollection of it and never used to clean it up.

best thing I ever did getting rid of him.

Snap! My ex husband did this twice. Absolutely disgusting. How would you find them attractive ever again ? He's remarried now, wonder if it's still a thing. Grim.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 09/07/2023 08:29

That's not good 😌 can you buy him some incontinence pants for men to wear when's he is drinking! Had them to him in front of his friends when he starts over doing it! 🤣

Trixibella · 09/07/2023 08:33

This is completely abnormal behaviour. I have never known anyone to do this. I can’t imagine this happening even once and then carrying on a relationship for any reason. It’s not the mark of a good father, your poor kids. I couldn’t be attracted to it. Know your worth and remove yourself.

LadyLolaRuben · 09/07/2023 08:40

I've never known someone to wet themselves whilst drunk. Itll happen again at some point. Sounds like its also giving you the ick. I'd be divorcing too

StellaJohanna · 09/07/2023 08:40

He's an alcoholic. He will have to change his whole self. his whole life, including social life, and attitude to stop, and most people who are habitually alcohol dependent or chronic binge drinkers never stop. The idea that people can easily stay sober or get clean in rehab is Hollywood nonsense. The are are hundreds of thousands of people in this country just like him.

He is "possessed" by it. Your title was right. I would advise you to consider your future -no-one can be loved into stopping, cajoled, implored, encouraged, bargained with, threatened, rewarded, reasoned with. It escalates over time. Some people will try to move house for a "fresh start". Watch for that - it's called a "geographical cure" and it never works. Some people get very fit and stay off drink for several months only to go straight back to the way they were. You will never be able to relax or plan. The problem is inside him.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 09/07/2023 08:42

In my opinion there’s more than one type of drinking problem. Having a drinking problem doesn’t just mean daily/near daily drinking, it can be exactly this. That he can’t control himself when he drinks. I would class anyone with any sort of drinking problem as an alcoholic who needs help.

I mean if he didn’t have a problem with alcohol he could just say right that’s it, I’m never drinking again. 🤷‍♀️

The not admitting he has a problem isn’t unusual in alcoholics. And until he agrees he has a problem this behaviour will keep repeating. So you have a choice whether you’re happy to stay in this relationship or if you think it’s too much and want to call it a day.

Codlingmoths · 09/07/2023 08:47

Advice? When you divide possessions as part of the separation, value the couch at original cost, and allocate it to him. You can get a new piss free one.

MMMarmite · 09/07/2023 08:49

I'm sorry OP.

It can't go on like this. In your shoes, I'd leave, unless he committed to complete abstinence and joining a recovery program. He clearly can't or won't moderate his drinking even when his marriage is on the line.

SaysRelaaxxx · 09/07/2023 08:52

How often does he drink too much? Has it been a year since he last drank too much, or does he do it regularly? I only ask because a big bender once a year is probably normal for most people

Toooldtoworry · 09/07/2023 08:53

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

You've gave him the ultimatum. If I were you I'd follow through with it otherwise he'll be taking advantage forever and you will resent him.

Get a divorce

Check you can get a divorce, agree or disagree with a divorce application, what to do if your husband or wife lacks mental capacity.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Twillow · 09/07/2023 08:54

greenthumb13 · 09/07/2023 00:48

It's AA or divorce. He clearly has a problem

This 100%

Coralsunset · 09/07/2023 08:58

All the semantics around whether or not he’s an alcoholic are irrelevant really.

If I knew that drinking alcohol meant I was at high risk of pissing myself, I would never drink it again. The DH here chooses to continue to drink alcohol because he doesn’t really give a shit.

I would go ahead and divorce OP. No need to argue with him, just quietly get legal advice and serve the papers.

ClairDeLaLune · 09/07/2023 09:01

My friend stayed for years with an alcohol husband. A binge drinker, like yours. She felt responsible for him and thought she could help him get better. She couldn’t. They divorced eventually and she regretted not doing it way sooner, it did a lot of emotional damage to her daughter.

Chuck him out OP. He’s disgusting.

BigFatLiar · 09/07/2023 09:04

Grimm.
Definitely an alcohol problem, he knows what the consequences of drinking lots are yet still does it. He should be adult enough to know he can still be one of the lads and not drink.

Even if he says that's it would you bet on him staying of the drink.

PhilNW · 09/07/2023 09:06

Take some pictures of him (wet pants and all) as a permanent record and then email them to him together with some links to addiction/alcohol websites. Did this with my partner who was drinking way too heavily, gave her something to think about.!!

Tiredmum100 · 09/07/2023 09:07

OddSockSeeker · 09/07/2023 07:02

I can see why you’re upset. I would be too. I wouldn’t shame him as he’s going to feel bad enough. I remember as a child how shameful it felt when I’d wet the bed so as an adult it must be mortifying.

If you feel you don’t want to stay with him anymore then you can tell him in a gentle way. He’d be better drinking less volume in future. Drinking pints of beer causes incontinence in a lot of people. When I was a student I cleaned hotel rooms in the summer hols. I had to deal with so many wet beds. It’s quite common. Still not nice to deal with though. Do what’s right for you but be kind in how you do it. He’s going to feel so much shame.x

A child can't help it. A grown adult should be able to. Why should the op be kind? He clearly doesn't give a shit how she might be feeling. I had an ex who used to get so drunk he'd wet himself. Gross. I woke up one morning to find myself saturated in his urine. Absolutely vile. Thank god he's an ex.

AgnesX · 09/07/2023 09:09

Lwveeee213 · 09/07/2023 00:48

When we went to counselling last year he said he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, I don’t think he has as sometimes he’s fine and sometimes he doesn’t drink at all, it seems to be summer when he gets carried away and doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself getting into the state where he knows he ends up setting himself. He does know he just doesn’t seem to care if it will happen or not, and the longer it goes on it’s like he thinks ‘ooh I drank that much last week and I didn’t wet myself so I’ll just drink loads again’
Yet another couch he’s ruined. I just hope our son doesn’t come down and see him as last year it affected him so much 😢

I've never met a man (that I'm aware of) who've wet themselves when drunk or been that drunk that they lose control. He DOES have a problem and especially as less than a year on he's slipped back into the old behaviours.

speakout · 09/07/2023 09:10

Tutu365 · 09/07/2023 00:45

Alternatively, would he admit after tonight that he has a problem and go get help from AA?

We’re all addicted to something - sugar, caffeine, work, food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping - and the way out of addiction is looking at what purpose it’s serving. What is it doing for us?

This is the sort of thing he could look at with an addiction counsellor and really make some inroads into childhood trauma, pain etc.

If he can do this for you, for the family but importantly himself, it would be win-win and your kids would have a stable family.

We are not "all addicted to something".

Clearly untrue.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/07/2023 09:11

I don't know why you let him stay last year when he wouldn't even admit he had a problem. Time for him to go now I'm afraid. His negative influence on your children will be immense if he stays.

Motorina · 09/07/2023 09:12

SaysRelaaxxx · 09/07/2023 08:52

How often does he drink too much? Has it been a year since he last drank too much, or does he do it regularly? I only ask because a big bender once a year is probably normal for most people

No it really isn’t. I’ve gone on a bender twice in my life. Once, as a student, when I didn’t have the experience to know how drunk I was going to be until too late. And once on the aftermath of a particularly messy breakup.

I didn’t piss myself either time. I did throw up, but in an appropriate place.

OP - he won’t change. Ditch him and his piss soaked sofa.

HeckinBamboozled · 09/07/2023 09:13

Whatever you do please consider getting support for you and your kids https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Growing up with an alcoholic/problem drinker as a parent is hell.

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/07/2023 09:16

God that's vile. I couldn't live with the possibility of that, never mind it actually happening. How disgusting. So sorry OP.

N8Emma · 09/07/2023 09:17

Exactly one year ago I separated from my husband who had issues with drinking. I'd tried everything to support and encourage him to stop drinking, from getting him to go to counseling and support groups to taking charge of our finances so that he didn't spend our money on drink.
Like yours, he would have periods of being fine and then getting worse again, being full of remorse and being better for a while. He didn't wet himself, but would do things such as come home later than planned and ruin plans, become short tempered or overly spontaneous to the point where I'd hover nervously if he was around out daughter after drinking.
On father's day last year, he was several hours late for a meal I'd cooked for him with his 3 year old daughter. I realised the impact it was having on her and that I didn't want this to be her childhood. I told him he was welcome to go and get drunk but he couldn't be in our home or around our daughter if he'd been drinking. If he ever came back drunk again, he'd have to find somewhere else to live. He came home drunk a few weeks later and we separated. At the time I hoped it would be a temporary measure and the kick up the bum he needed to sort himself out.
It was only when I made this decision that I realised how much anxiety and stress I'd been under. He moved out and we now have a lovely calm home that both me and my daughter deserve. Life is so much better!
Do it for your kids, but I think you might enjoy the benefits of not having to deal with him too!

AllyArty · 09/07/2023 09:17

Do you think he is an alcoholic? from what you have said it sounds like he is. In situations like this children see and sense more than we think. If you allow his behaviour to continue then it will.