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Original poster

Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

391 replies

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:36

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18....we are now early 40s. I'm thinking of ending our friendship. I think the best thing to do for my own sanity is to just cut her off.

I met her through a big group of mutual friends in our late teenage years. We were always out drinking, partying, going to festivals and raves etc (late 90s/early 00s). Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with. But I did get on particularly well with her and over the years as people grew up and moved on, we developed a deeper friendship and we stayed in touch and became closer.

In our early 20s my friend decided that she needed a massive change and to do something with her life. She moved 130 miles to London, got herself into a good university, lived in Central London, and gained qualifications which gave her entry to a well respected profession. I was so pleased and happy for her. I always knew she had it in her to make something of herself. I loved visiting her in London.

She didn't stay in London very long. She found it lonely and depressing and she didn't have enough money, so she came home.

I was briefly in awe of her. She had been away, lived in London, got a degree and had come back to our city with a really good career. I must admit, I know people find it boring, but I was also happy. I had worked in the same company for quite a few years. My job wasn't that exciting or well paid, but I have never yearned for career status.

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

The aftermath was awful. The police were immediately involved. The person who did it to her was found and eventually convicted. I had to give a statement. It felt like my friend was being investigated everything that she went through.

Her mental health deteriorated, she lost her job and career, she started getting detained by the police under the mental health act....but they always let her go again..

She seems completely crazy now but I cannot cope with her anymore. She is constantly drinking and drunk, putting herself into extremely difficult situations, is completely obsessed with talking about the trauma, she is a mess.

I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow afternoon. We are supposed to text in the morning to arrange a time and place. I don't want to see her.

I have already blocked her phone number and I have no intention of contacting her again. I can't cope with her anymore. Is this okay?

OP posts:
peachicecream · 01/07/2023 07:36

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:07

My friend does have support. She has a designated nurse in the community mental health team. I think she also has a Union rep who is helping her with dealing with her employer (she hasn't been at work for a year but they are sorting out ending her contract...which seems complicated), she also has a housing officer from the council (because they helped her move home due to the incident) I think there are also a few other agencies involved.
Her relationships with her family are also very difficult at the moment and I think they are close to throwing in the towel. I know that I sound incredibly selfish, but she has all this support. We still have to cope with the trauma of her going through that, the investigation and court, how crazy she has become..... and supposedly to just continue on with normal life.

It's not selfish to scale back the friendship. What is selfish is that you are thinking about ghosting her with no explanation. You have been friends for 20 years, you owe her honesty.

romdowa · 01/07/2023 07:36

Op I feel you've been flamed here. Your friend is now in the throws of an addiction caused by trauma. Dealing with that for years as an untrained professional , is exhausting. At least the trained professionals get to go home but its like you are on call 24/7 . You've burned out . It's a really hard situation for you both. Your friend is responsible for her own mental health and its unfair of her to lean on you so much for so long but I wouldn't block her or just cut her off. It will just cause more trauma. You need to do a slow fade and put on your own life jacket first. You are both drowning here and you can't sacrifice yourself for her.

peachicecream · 01/07/2023 07:38

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:36

Okay I know I'm wrong. I will message her. I don't intend to see her again. I think if you guys knew about her behaviour you would understand . But yes, I see, I will tell her that I'm not going to be there tomorrow. And that will be the end of our friendship. I really do appreciate all of the feedback, but until you have been in my shoes you do know.

Don't just tell her that you're not meeting up and then blank her/ disappear. That's barely any better than your original plan to not say anything.

You need to talk to her about how you are feeling about the friendship and let her know that you need to scale back for your own wellbeing. It's perfectly valid and if you don't do it she will be left wondering what on earth has happened and questioning what she has done. Don't be a coward. This is how adults deal with these things.

Clafoutie · 01/07/2023 07:38

Asthebellcurves · 01/07/2023 04:10

What a singularly disgusting post. She is a survivor of one of the most intimate violations possible. OP is, of course, not obligated to continue supporting her - but this woman is not an 'emotional vampire', she's traumatised.

Show quote history

I agree. It was a spectacularly callous post.

Fraaahnces · 01/07/2023 07:39

I say this as a rape survivor… (note, not “victim”.) You need to tell her that she is letting that awful experience eclipse her and letting him win. Her rape has become the defining point in her identity and in her relationship with you, and it’s not fair to repeatedly traumatise you with it anymore. You have helped her as much as any human can. She needs to stop using you as a therapist and seek professional help to be able to put the past where it belongs, and allow herself a future. To do that you will give her the space she needs to find someone and begin healing, and in the meantime, you will work on clearing your own headspace.

Usernamen · 01/07/2023 07:40

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trg · 01/07/2023 07:41

I am with you op. I haven't been through what you've been through but I am in a process of leaving my friend of 20 years too.

Over the years it's always been about her dramas and me having to listen and support her. I went to her wedding and she came to mine but she divorced due to an abusive husband. She was never interested in me so never asked me about my life but instead non stop talked about her own boyfriends and issues.

I somehow felt locked into the friendship and kept seeing her, but now I feel like this friendship isn't working, I'm only acting as her own private therapist and this is damaging me.

Do leave your friend op. Hope you managed to let her know that you won't be seeing her today. Flowers

Over40Overdating · 01/07/2023 07:42

You are right to step away from your friend - she deserves to know what a shallow, fair weather person you are.
Being annoyed that she is not ‘over’ her rape because he’s been convicted and only wants to do gentle things like walk and sleep when you meet is a reflection of you not her.

You’ve decided as your friend is no longer fun or someone to be in awe of, and you’ve given 2 years of support, you need to drop her like a used tissue - which is your right.
But don’t ever think you are the victim here. Or that you have any high ground. There are ways to put boundaries in and take space without treating a traumatised and vulnerable woman like this.

That you have managed to get to 40 something with such a shallow and emotionally stunted view of life and friendship is staggering but also means you will never understand half of what is being said to you here.

LadyInBread · 01/07/2023 07:42

Blocking and messaging are the cowards ways.

If you want to be a half decent person, you see her and explain to her face. Gently.

SpeckledlyHen · 01/07/2023 07:43

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 03:49

So you’re intending to ghost a friend that you’ve known for 22 years, because she’s had a bad couple of years, due to being raped?

Show quote history

Exactly. Shameful behaviour

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 07:44

Op doesn't say she is using her as a therapist

What she does say is her friend now if they go away for a weekend just wants to go for walks and sleep and not do "fun things "

That she is mentally I'll and she lost that great career that got her exciting visits to London

What she has omitted to say if how she "lost" her friend that night

TheCheeseTray · 01/07/2023 07:45

DrManhattan · 01/07/2023 03:58

Tell her you aren't meeting rather than blocking her. That's a bit mean.

This. I feel truly awful for this woman - two years of hell- an awful rape and court case.

Lazzee · 01/07/2023 07:46

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Brightbear · 01/07/2023 07:48

trg · 01/07/2023 07:41

I am with you op. I haven't been through what you've been through but I am in a process of leaving my friend of 20 years too.

Over the years it's always been about her dramas and me having to listen and support her. I went to her wedding and she came to mine but she divorced due to an abusive husband. She was never interested in me so never asked me about my life but instead non stop talked about her own boyfriends and issues.

I somehow felt locked into the friendship and kept seeing her, but now I feel like this friendship isn't working, I'm only acting as her own private therapist and this is damaging me.

Do leave your friend op. Hope you managed to let her know that you won't be seeing her today. Flowers

Have you actually read the OPs posts? Or just chanted this into a thread about your lost friendship?

The situations are totally different.

FancyFanny · 01/07/2023 07:48

The poor woman! Two years is a very short time and no doubt she's still in shock and needs more time to process it and start her recovery. I'd say you are a terrible friend if after all those years of friendship you would just completely dump her in her time of need.

Wisenotboring · 01/07/2023 07:49

It is your perogative to separate yourself from her if you can't cope. It isn't easy to tell from your posts if this is reasonable or not. Blocking her seems extremely cruel though and will mess with her mental health further.
The first option here would be to explain that you have tried really hard, but just can't cope with the level of drama. You could suggest that you perhaps meet for a coffee once every 3 months or so to keep a lighter touch contact going.
If you have tried this or it just doesn't work you could go for a second option of ending the friendship though. In this instance I think you simply must tell her. It is likely to feel like a traumatic loss to her, but at least she will know why. Ghosting leaves so many unanswered questions and could result in the loss trauma being prolonged so much further.
I wouldn't block and never make contact again. It's not great and after 20 years of friendship she should get more.

rach971 · 01/07/2023 07:50

That's so harsh. I hope if anything bad like that ever happens to you, you manage to just get over it and move on 😬

I can totally understand why you find it hard being around her but I feel like she deserves support when she's obviously struggling. Not one of her close friends just ditching her because she's been through trauma.

veggie50 · 01/07/2023 07:50

Glad you've decided to explain rather than just block her. She needs help that you don't feel you're able to give now but perhaps you can leave a chance for future friendship instead of burning the bridge down (say you'll contact her again when you feel able to do so or give a time in the future, maybe a month or two, when you'll call her again). Friendships of such length is rare and precious, don't throw it away.

Heronwatcher · 01/07/2023 07:51

Agree with others- scaling back or ending friendship with a tactful explanation fine, if that’s what you need to do. I’d think you were a pretty shit friend but appreciate you have to put yourself first if it is affecting you. But if she rebuilds her life and is back to the person you admired and had fun with don’t expect her to pick up with you again.

Ghosting her 2 years after she’s been raped on the day you’re due to meet, absolutely not fine. Cruel, rude and likely to make her more ill.

Fighterofthenightman1 · 01/07/2023 07:52

CoachBeardsJane · 01/07/2023 03:51

So your friend thinks you're going to meet up with her tomorrow, but you've blocked her number so when she goes to confirm it won't go through, but text messages will still look they've gone through, so she might go to wherever you were meeting and you're going to stand her up.

By all means get rid of the friendship but at least tell her you won't be seeing her tomorrow. She deserves that much at least

Yeah this, especially as you've been friends for so long

everythingthelighttouches · 01/07/2023 07:53

The rape was 2 years ago and it’s already gone to court and he’s been convicted??

Amazing.

When was he convicted OP???

the answer to your question in the original post is
No. It’s not OK.

readbooksdrinktea · 01/07/2023 07:54

MannyTeddy · 01/07/2023 05:24

So she only gets 2 years of sympathy after being raped? Jesus.

It's unbelievable. But It's all traumatic to the OP, don't you know 🙄

OP, she will live with this for her entire life. It will influence how she engages with the world, most likely, for a very long time. This happened to me three decades ago, and while I don’t think about it every day, it does still surface on occasion. The place, the sounds, the smell. The shame.

Two years is nothing. The fact that her rapist was convicted doesn't take any of her pain away, I imagine.

You don't have to be her friend, but to basically suggest she 'should be over her rape already' is cruel and callous.

LadyPenelope68 · 01/07/2023 07:56

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 03:49

So you’re intending to ghost a friend that you’ve known for 22 years, because she’s had a bad couple of years, due to being raped?

Show quote history

@Brightbear
unbelievable isn’t it. I can’t imagine doing that to any friend, never mind such a long standing friend.

@WaitingforSummer77 you say you find her difficult to cope with, have you actually thought about what she’s been through?? She’s better off without you as a “friend” if that’s your attitude.

Hairyfairy01 · 01/07/2023 07:56

Two years is nothing OP. Her wanting to go on walks and sleep when you meet up sounds perfect and probably just what she needs. Maybe you could expand on the walking side of things, join a walking club with her or go on a mountain / coastal path walk, join a walking 'challenge' together. Your friendship maybe different now as your friend may have understandably changed. But a true friend would respect and support that. It sounds like she has a very weak support network, the fact you seem to think her union rep and community mental health nurse are enough is frankly laughable. Have you considered counselling for yourself? You must have also been affected by the awful events from that night.

IncompleteSenten · 01/07/2023 07:56

If my friend of over 20 years had gone through such an ordeal and was clearly struggling so much, I would at the very least tell her that I couldn't be there for her any more due to how she's reacting to her trauma rather than just vanishing from her life and adding to it.