Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

It's really understandable that you are finding it hard to see her and struggling to support her but try not to cut her off.
She has experienced a major trauma, it sounds like she has PTSD and needs therapy to support her in recovering, it is possible to recover but takes time. 2 years is nothing, particularly when there has been a court case. Her whole life and the way she sees the world has been turned on its head.
Read up on PTSD, and how it can affect behaviour. You can explain you are finding it hard to support her at the moment and need to take a step back, but if you can try and stay in her life, she needs support around her to help her feel safe again.

This.

Just say you're unavailable and reschedule for another time later in the year. If seems a little harsh to block her right now. I know it's hard for you, I completely understand this. I really hope she gets the support she desperately needs.

Awful behaviour on your part imo.

Similar trauma with a friend since childhood here. Her life came crashing down after an event 2017. She became an alcoholic, had a chaotic life, nights in cells, drama after drama. I went to court with her and took the stand for her. Sadly, even with all the support around her, she completed suicide on her third attempt in 2020.

The 30 years of friendship prior was far far too important to me to give up on her, even when I had 3am phone calls, or drunken rants, or another tall tale. She became exhausting, but I loved her enough to be exhausted for her, as I brought something into her life that none of the other support could. Our 30 years of friendship-none of the others had it.

If the rapist had found you that night and not her, and your life collapsed because of it, you'd expect people to stick by you, wouldn't you? So why aren't you sticking by her?

This current society's culture of "I've got to look after myself too" has led us to this utterly selfish point.

I'm glad you're not my friend.

I agree.

My bestfriend was raped at the age of 18. 24 years ago. She has a responsible job and a nice life, but she still suffers the trauma of that event, and she has had many years of therapy and support. You don't just bounce back.

I can't blame you for finding it hard to deal with, and if you must walk away then that is what you must do. But do it honestly and have the guts to tell her - quite apart from the fact that simply blocking her without explanation is excessively cruel, you have no idea what impact that might have on her or what further damage it might do. You are taking the cowards way out, and that isn't good enough.

Speaking personally, I could never walk away from a friend of 20+ years because they can't cope with or live with such a life-shattering event. To stick with someone and enjoy their company in the good times, then dump them in the hard ones is not in my make up. There are such things as compromises, and it doesn't have to be all in or all out. And there are many services to help the friends and relatives of trauma victims, inlcuding with strategising how to help but also protect themselves.

So your question was "Is this okay?" In my opinion, no it isn't. If you ever have an awful trauma and need your friends, I hope that yours will stand by you no matter how hard it is. Because friends do stand by each other.

I wouldn't block her. I would explain that you're finding her getting drunk and talking about it, distressing. Tell her that you just need a break, as all these dramas and her reliving the trauma is affecting your mental health. You're still mates and there for each other, but right now you need a break from it all. Tell her she needs counselling, as she needs a professional to talk to. Then take a step back. Ghosting is not the answer, as she'll be more upset and will end up coming to your home. If you do get back in contact, say you don't want to drink with her, because it seems to ruin the evening. Do other things like coffee/meal/cinema/swimming/bowling etc.

I'm sorry but the bit where you said you thought she'd be over it after he was convicted is just shit. Trauma doesn't just disappear like that and the fact that it's been 2 years means nothing.
In the first 2/3 years after my rape, I was doing alright.
6 years after my rape, I was a mess and struggling to function.
Your friend needs intensive trauma therapy and possibly hypnotherapy (life saver for people suffering with trauma)

I totally understand that you don't feel equipped to deal with her anymore. Supporting someone with mental health issues is difficult and if you don't feel up to the task, that's completely valid.
What a find weird is that it feels like the focus of her trauma is how annoying it is for you, rather than how utterly soul destroying it is for her.
It just feels quite lacking in sympathy.

Good God, you are a bully. Worried that your shitty gif didn't get through eh?

Dear @WaitingforSummer77 may I suggest you are going through trauma too? You do not have the right training to counsel someone, so it is becoming your problem too now, and spiraling out of control. A bit like wanting to get off a fast roundabout.

Could you benefit from some CBT too? Have you had support? I think you feel guilty and it's easier not seeing the source of your anguish by not seeing your friend. I worked with offenders, and some of the worst drug takers were men who had been sexually abused as children and took drugs to forget the experience. They didn't just Get Over It once they became adults. All we could do was give them support, but we had the training behind us. She is too close as a friend for you to do this, so don't be too hard on yourself

Get some therapy for yourself. You need to process things too. Tell her you’re getting therapy as you’ve found the last two years a struggle.

See her a little less often and for a shorter lengths of time but do wholesome activities together, a long countryside walk to a pub, comedy film at cinema, spa, yoga retreat, a meditation class.

I don’t think this is right you can’t ghost someone to whom you’ve been an emotional crutch. Let her know you’re stepping back. Don’t need to explain why. Or if you like you can say you’re going through your own issues. Just don’t be so cruel.

I'm sure that this has been suggested to your friend already but Rape Crisis charity helped me so much. Would you be in a position to text her the details with a gentle suggestion? I realise she has other support going on, but these are specialists is SA trauma, which sounds like what is needed for your friend.

Oh my God, your poor, poor friend. You, and the person who wrote the first response on here are Colossal twats. That poor woman’s life is in tatters and her “friend” of 22 years decides to ghost her because it’s all bit draining. Wow!

I've only read OP posts and skimmed replies.

It sounds like there are two things going on here. Your friend has been through an extremely traumatic experience and isn't coping, and is potentially retraumatising herself each time she talks about it. Yes she has MH support, but she also needs specialist support from somewhere specialising in sexual assault. She may be ready for that, or she may not be for a while. I'm supporting someone currently who is seeking specialist help for a violent sexual assault 40 years after it happened.

And then secondly the effect on you. Do you feel an element of guilt, that had you not ended up split up on that night out that this would never have happened? (Not a question you need to answer here). I rather suspect you also need some specialist support in helping to work through your feelings around what happened, rather than burying them by cutting your friend off as a way of not having these feelings brought to the surface every time you see/speak to her.

No one owes anybody friendship but I think, so long as someone hasdone anything beyond the pale like stole money from your purse, it is the right thing to end things as gently as possible.

Ghosting/ blocking is not.

Wow. So from reading this, her life changed in a massive way. She had to move (possibly isolating her even more), she can't work and no doubt you arent the first 'friend' to ditch her. Did you ever think why she keeps drinking and getting herself into these situations? I'll tell you why, because THIS is her way of controlling what she can control, even though to you and probably most other people it seems like she's doing more damage. She is pushing her safety boundaries with the expectation that if things go wrong, that's to be expected hey? BUT, you are in a very trusted position where she feels safe enough to open up to you and relies on you for help. I get that's hard for you but imagine the damage this could do to her and the guilt that would cause to you. My point is, there is a much better way of managing this situation because she more than likely will come out of this tailspin, and wouldn't you rather still be by her side when that happens? Tell her how you feel, start by explaining you love her deeply but are concerned for her safety and that it is making you want to distance yourself. If she calls you heartless and never sees you again, you got what you want anyway - problem solved. But on the chance that she actually wants help? Help her. Signpost her to support in whichever way you can. And set boundaries.

You have had to cope with trauma for the last year???!! This isn't about you

Drinking is likely a coping mechanism, to block out her pain

You do need to look after yourself, and healthy boundaries are important, but I'm staggered that you blocked her number and planned to walk out of her life without prior warning. Shame on you

And as a PP said, what if it was you that had been raped?

JUST NO!

Your friend has suffered extreme TRAUMA.

If you do not explain in the most supportive of ways that you are unable to help her further and offer to assist her in contacting a crisis team, then this 'guilt' of doing what you have done, ie blocking her, will never leave you.

Be the guiding light this damaged woman needs.

You don't sound very nice at all, having professional support is not always having support when you need it, do you think the housing officer is available whenever she needs to talk to someone? No of course not! By all means walk away but don't pat yourself on the back for being a good friend.

Agree with telling your friend. 20+ years of friendship merits a message or face to face - not ghosting or cowardice. Remember: True friends stab you in the front! ;) (Oscar Wilde). Good luck !

That's awful. Ghosting a friend because she's too much. Christ.

Her response to trauma is entirely understandable and in no way unreasonable.

If you can’t cope with this friendship anymore, fine. You need to look after yourself fist.

But you owe her a proper explanation. To just ghost/ block her would be rude, immature and cowardly.

(Personally I would somehow gently be setting some boundaries and limits rather than terminating but that’s just me).

Not unreasonable to step back but massively unreasonable to just grey stone her. Awful. Are you just going to let her have this unanswered in her already suffering life. Give her a reason ffs!!

Do you think that she actually likes behaving the way she does, feeling the way she does?
Of course not, she would much rather be the old version of herself.
She needs friendship and maybe some tough love. Someone to say this behaviour needs to stop this is not you, do not let him ruin every aspect of your life. I'm your friends how can I help you?

You are not a friend. What a coward.