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Original poster

Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

391 replies

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:36

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18....we are now early 40s. I'm thinking of ending our friendship. I think the best thing to do for my own sanity is to just cut her off.

I met her through a big group of mutual friends in our late teenage years. We were always out drinking, partying, going to festivals and raves etc (late 90s/early 00s). Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with. But I did get on particularly well with her and over the years as people grew up and moved on, we developed a deeper friendship and we stayed in touch and became closer.

In our early 20s my friend decided that she needed a massive change and to do something with her life. She moved 130 miles to London, got herself into a good university, lived in Central London, and gained qualifications which gave her entry to a well respected profession. I was so pleased and happy for her. I always knew she had it in her to make something of herself. I loved visiting her in London.

She didn't stay in London very long. She found it lonely and depressing and she didn't have enough money, so she came home.

I was briefly in awe of her. She had been away, lived in London, got a degree and had come back to our city with a really good career. I must admit, I know people find it boring, but I was also happy. I had worked in the same company for quite a few years. My job wasn't that exciting or well paid, but I have never yearned for career status.

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

The aftermath was awful. The police were immediately involved. The person who did it to her was found and eventually convicted. I had to give a statement. It felt like my friend was being investigated everything that she went through.

Her mental health deteriorated, she lost her job and career, she started getting detained by the police under the mental health act....but they always let her go again..

She seems completely crazy now but I cannot cope with her anymore. She is constantly drinking and drunk, putting herself into extremely difficult situations, is completely obsessed with talking about the trauma, she is a mess.

I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow afternoon. We are supposed to text in the morning to arrange a time and place. I don't want to see her.

I have already blocked her phone number and I have no intention of contacting her again. I can't cope with her anymore. Is this okay?

OP posts:
dayswithaY · 01/07/2023 07:57

There should be a trigger warning in the title, can’t believe there isn’t.

It does read like bad fiction or AI but either way, a warning please.

Kennykenkencat · 01/07/2023 07:57

As a friend you need to have at least a face to face conversation with her about inviting more drama/ getting herself into bad situations and what part alcohol plays in all this.

Point out her good points, how strong and capable she is and that she needs to give herself space to grieve over what has happened to her but to not let the arse who did this to her to destroy her.

The professional support she has will spend years letting her work things out herself.
No one but you can talk to her and guide her to the path of being the strong person she once was who happened to have had a horrific thing happen to her, rather than having this horrific event define who she is

smilesup · 01/07/2023 07:59

EllaRaines · 01/07/2023 03:40

Yes of course it is.

She is an emotional vampire and whilst what happened to her is awful, she is responsible for her downward spiral, not you.

Losing you may give her a kick up the backside to get her life back on track.

She is not your responsibility.

What a vile post. I actually feel sorry for you as you must be emotionally decrepit. "Emotional Vampire" for a rape victim. Who must have only very very recently gone through the hell of a court system. OP the fact you actually thanked this poster is beyond me. Your poor friend.

ladydimitrescu · 01/07/2023 08:00

Absolutely vile of you. She deserves much better "friends".

elenacampana · 01/07/2023 08:00

I don’t like being pals with people who drain me either, but to block someone all of a sudden who you know is in deep distress is imo a despicable thing to do.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 01/07/2023 08:00

CoachBeardsJane · 01/07/2023 03:51

So your friend thinks you're going to meet up with her tomorrow, but you've blocked her number so when she goes to confirm it won't go through, but text messages will still look they've gone through, so she might go to wherever you were meeting and you're going to stand her up.

By all means get rid of the friendship but at least tell her you won't be seeing her tomorrow. She deserves that much at least

This. I’m sure you are dreading the confrontation but you will be kinder if at least you tell her why, in person or text, while she is not drunk.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 08:00

The troll hunting really annoys me - just because one person doesn't believe it - doesn't make it untrue

Cases vary in court times across the country and depending on the offence .

I've had serious cases get to
Court within a year . Bugger off troll hunting .

The fact the op is behaving like a massive bell end doesn't mean she can't be real . She might just be a massive bell end .

BungleandGeorge · 01/07/2023 08:01

There’s a lot about you in there, any reason it’s so difficult for you? If not I think you sound like a fair weather friend and a bit selfish tbh. Just blocking her out the blue is absolutely horrible.

Flopsythebunny · 01/07/2023 08:02

honeyandfizz · 01/07/2023 04:05

I am shocked that you would even consider blocking a friend who you have known for 20 plus years and has gone off the rails because she was raped. Bloody hell OP I am glad you aren't my friend. Do the decent thing and tell her then you can walk away and leave your poor mate to her trauma.

I agree.
Op, you are a fair weather friend. A real friend wouldn't treat her like you are doing.

Morewineplease10 · 01/07/2023 08:03

Op, please unblock your friend and tell her you can't see her.
To ghost her is really not a good idea.

ClairDeLaLune · 01/07/2023 08:04

honeyandfizz · 01/07/2023 04:05

I am shocked that you would even consider blocking a friend who you have known for 20 plus years and has gone off the rails because she was raped. Bloody hell OP I am glad you aren't my friend. Do the decent thing and tell her then you can walk away and leave your poor mate to her trauma.

This ⬆️ Blocking her and ghosting her would be really mean. 2 years isn’t a long time when someone has suffered such an awful trauma. She’s lost such a lot already, do you really want to be responsible for the impact on her of losing her best friend this way?

berksandbeyond · 01/07/2023 08:06

How traumatised do you think she’ll be if she kills herself? Because that seems like a very likely outcome at this stage.

I do think you’re being incredibly harsh.

bofski14 · 01/07/2023 08:06

This has to be a joke, right? This woman was attacked and has had to go through the indignity and trauma of having this played out in court so it's not two years ago since it ended, it's really one year since the conviction. She must be utterly broken.

It seems to me you were in awe of her when she had moved to the big city and was ambitious. You said yourself that you "loved" visiting her in London and that you'd never been ambitious yourself. Irrelevant. You brought this backstory up to us, remember. It's not relevant to the rape or the drinking or the length of friendship. So it seems that you had this woman on a pedestal because she was braver and more go getting than you and through no fault of her own, in your eyes she has now fallen off that pedestal and is no longer worthy of the hero worship. And because you don't seem to know how friendships work (ie ghosting someone after TWENTY YEARS), because she can't play that role anymore now, you don't know what to do with her so you just don't want her anymore.

When it was all London and bragging rights you were happy to be her friend. Now she actually NEEDS a friend, but unfortunately for her, she's not going to find one in you.

I really, really feel for this woman. I'm sure it is hard for you but believe me it's a million times harder for her.

ClairDeLaLune · 01/07/2023 08:08

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 05:34

@BadNomad ...seems like you are questioning what happened? ...the person who attacked her had attacked someone else previously (also stranger). He was arrested after the previous attack and the police wanted to charge him but the cps said that there wasn't enough evidence so they had to let him go....knowing that he would very likely do it again (we didn't know this until they told us later in the investigation). He did do it again. My friend didn't know even his name after she was attacked. The police were involved within a few hours of it happening.They told us it was a high priority case. The way they spoke to us, we thought they knew who did it. They identified him through forensics and arrested him within 24 hours. Again, the police wanted to charge him and remand him in custody but the cps said no, not enough evidence. So he was free , roaming around for about 6 months until more detailed forensic evidence came out. He then went on the run! He was eventually caught when he assaulted another woman in a different city and went into prison on remand. So the case was prioritised through court. I think cases are much slower to get to court when the attacker is known to the victim. It was a nightmare, every single day from attack to conviction was very very very stressful.

OP how can you dump your friend after she’s been through all this? That sounds very heartless.

lanadelgrey · 01/07/2023 08:08

If you still care for her and want the best for her then write her a letter that explains whatever you are going to say to her in person, when she is in a better place it might help her rebuild her life.
All those people around her are professionals, you are the friend that knows her as a well person and has a depth of knowledge about her that she values.
Of course put in boundaries, however strong you like but take a hard look at yourself as you do. No one is a saint, filled with unlimited wells of sympathy but if you only valued her for her money/status/London lifestyle then you need to acknowledge that in yourself

Drttc · 01/07/2023 08:09

Please do the right thing and tell her why you need to step away from the friendship. The number of times I’ve seen ‘good’ people conveniently fade into the background once a test of character actually appears - it’s tragic. Doing the right thing is hard sometimes - otherwise everyone would do it! Be honest and tell her you need to practice self care, because it’s what she needs to hear.

Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 01/07/2023 08:09

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:56

I know that I should tell her but I'm literally at my wits end. I've had messaging from her earlier this week about a drama that she has gotten herself into which has left her unable to cope. I cannot cope either. I am really sad that this has happened and how much she has changed. I myself try to live a fairly quiet life. I know that she has a nurse in the community mental health team.

The way you are going about this will cause further injury. Letting her know that you are withdrawing will likely be devastating for herbut at least you will have done the right thing - and it may prove to be a wake up call for her. Or not. That isn’t your responsibility, but you do owe it to her to treat her with kindness. Sending you best wishes and courage.

Missingmyusername · 01/07/2023 08:11

I think blocking is rather gutless, I mean you’ve known this woman 22 years.

Step back by all means but if you’re as friendly as the post suggests surely she will come to your house, think something has happened to you, it’s childish to just block. That’s my opinion.

Also poor woman, she can’t help how being raped has affected her and would hope her friends /family would try to get her help.

Chipschipschippy · 01/07/2023 08:12

Be honest with her.
It might just be the realisation that she needs.
It's not up to you or anyone else to decide how long it ought to take for her to get over a rape. She is putting a lot of pressure on you but tell her that. If you were going to ghost her anyway, what do you have to lose?

MaybeBabyTwo · 01/07/2023 08:13

This has to be a reverse, I can't believe for one second that anyone could be this cruel and then post about it like we should all agree.

If it isn't a reverse, I hope karma bites you back hard at some point in your future.

There are many ways of protecting yourself and resourcing yourself without dumping your friend who has had a horrendous two years.

xPissflapsx · 01/07/2023 08:14

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:36

Okay I know I'm wrong. I will message her. I don't intend to see her again. I think if you guys knew about her behaviour you would understand . But yes, I see, I will tell her that I'm not going to be there tomorrow. And that will be the end of our friendship. I really do appreciate all of the feedback, but until you have been in my shoes you do know.

NO!! Do NOT do it over a text message!!

My "best friend" of 25+years cut me off through a text because they were a shit Friend.

25 years gone, just like that.

It took me 3 years to get over just that and I'd done nothing wrong, I'm left with no answers...

Please don't do to her what they did to me.

Don't put her through more hell,
Don't just start distancing from her,
At least grow some balls and speak to her, tell her why.

Give her closure

CaroleSinger · 01/07/2023 08:15

I wouldn't expect to get support on here. It's ok if you want to back away from the friendship. There's no written contract you have to stay friends and it doesn't matter what the judgy lot on here say because they aren't in the situation and would probably end the friendship or enforce boundaries too if they were.

Cinnamope · 01/07/2023 08:16

Please please please don’t just block her.

sit her down when she is sober and explain, and try to get her some help.

she is suffering.

londonrach · 01/07/2023 08:16

What a horrible friend you are . Two years is nothing. I've a friend who three years ago went through hell due a medical situation that went wrong and her life has changed and will never go back to what it is ...she has been suicidal due to severe pain and the fact she is unable to do anything now. She was very negative and it was emotionally hard work. What we all did was pop in and see her even if it for just five minutes...some friends found this hard so they message d instead but never did anyone block her. They saw her less or just a quick message to say thinking of her ...three years later she is now able to get out ..sort of and although totally changed person is still our friend. She now saying just a five minute chat or a message in the dark days meant alot to her. At the worse point no way should you ever block someone in this situation. Just message your friend and say you unable to see her today. Then see her less for your emotional but honestly two years is nothing in a 20 year friendship. At the min just tell her not able to see her today.

Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 01/07/2023 08:16

Beautiful3 · 01/07/2023 07:19

I wouldn't block her. I would explain that you're finding her getting drunk and talking about it, distressing. Tell her that you just need a break, as all these dramas and her reliving the trauma is affecting your mental health. You're still mates and there for each other, but right now you need a break from it all. Tell her she needs counselling, as she needs a professional to talk to. Then take a step back. Ghosting is not the answer, as she'll be more upset and will end up coming to your home. If you do get back in contact, say you don't want to drink with her, because it seems to ruin the evening. Do other things like coffee/meal/cinema/swimming/bowling etc.

This is fantastic advice.