Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

This happened two years ago?! I thought from your OP this was a distant event, more like 10!

Two years is nothing!

I thought you were going to say this traumatic event happened 10+ years ago. 2 years is no time at all. To block her out of your life after all she's been through seems incredibly harsh.

Be honest and tell her you're struggling too. Try and put some boundaries in place or whatever, but please don't drop her. Imagine what that will do to her. Good friends are there in good times and bad.

I was thinking the same thing - most courts still have a 2 year+ backlog of cases thanks to Covid.

When family are close to throwing in the towel it's not unreasonable some friends feel the same and start to prioritise their own wellbeing.

I can relate to how you feel @WaitingforSummer77. Not the same situation but one of my best friends is severely affected with schizophrenia, and although I love them and their condition is in no way their fault, their behaviour can be challenging and I have to step back sometimes for the sake of my own mental health.

I will never abandon my friend no matter what. But sometimes when I'm not in a good place myself. I have to say to them, I love you but things are a bit tough for me at the moment, can I call you tomorrow instead or similar. They too have a lot of other support and in an emergency situation I will make sure family/police etc are aware and support is received.

I understand your friend's behaviour is challenging and no, you don't have to meet her if you don't want to. I'm saying this in a kind tone (as it is mumsnet after all!) but it sounds like you need to review your boundaries and friendship expectations.

Your friend isn't the same anymore and that's a terrible loss - to her and to you. She's been through hell and paid the price.

Can you have a heart to heart with her about this? Say you love her but you are really concerned about her and her behaviour, and a little bit about how this impacts you? How might you support her best? What are you prepared to do/not to do to support?

I really don’t think you should have posted this. You’ve included so many details that she could probably easily recognise as being her. I would be so upset if I found this thread and had to read my so called friend saying all these things about me

I think it's ok to take space for your own wellbeing. But cutting her off completely, especially by blocking her, without explanation after 20 years of freindship when she is clearly spiraling is not a nice thing to do. I actually even think that telling her you are cutting her off isn't great either. I wonder how you would feel in her shoes. Shitty I'd imagine.

This.

What an utterly shitty thing to do.

People never cease to amaze me.

I haven’t read the thread, so apologies if repeating, but I’d meet with her face to face and explain. Tell her that you feel you have a real connection as friends, blah blah and acknowledge her awful pain and trauma, but explain that you can’t continue to support her in the way you are, as it’s hurting you

and maybe Google vicarious trauma, as it’s a thing

We still have to cope with the trauma of her going through that, the investigation and court,

Fucking hell. YOU had to go through that? Think about what it was like for her.

I would imagine part of you not coping with it is internalised guilt that you lost each other on the night out. So by distancing yourself you can stop being reminded of that night and that the attack happened and shove it all in a neat little box in the back of your head and carry on with your life as if it never happened.

Your friend does not have that luxury. This stage of her recovery is crucial, it’s make or break time. You can step back to protect yourself but by cutting her off totally you will actually hinder her recovery.

Definitely explain what you feel and why you are withdrawing. It is horrendous to just block and give her no answers. I imagine that will make her mental health worse! She will be worried about you.

tell her 100%

OP I really do not blame you. I have complex PTSD from terrible experiences and have never once dumped on friends.
Sometimes my mental health is not good enough to see people and I just say so simply. My friends understand and know I'll be back in my own time.
I see a psychiatrist and take medication to keep on the level. I occasionally have hallucinations and hear voices.
I work full time as work is an anchor to reality.
SHE is responsible for seeking out psychiatric help and beginning to mend. Not her friends.

Two years ago is still recent when you are talking about something as traumatic as being raped.

No one else here can be the judge of whether you are able to cope with your friend or not, but please remember that she is the one who was raped, not you. It's not reasonable to expect her to have got over it and moved on. She might never be able to move on.

Obviously I don't know what it feels like to be in your position but I hope that if something like that happened to one of my friends I wouldn't have lost patience with her after only two years. You sound like rather a fair weather friend to be honest.

OP I think you are getting quite a though response here and I do see why, but you are clearly unable to cope currently with the intensity of this friendship.
If she has been a good friend over many years, I think you probably should have a frank face to face conversation with her and explain how you are struggling.
Whilst she was raped, which will be something that she may never fully' move on' from, you have also lived through a year of follow on trauma and court with her which will have left you fragile too.
I just think an honest face to face conversation about how you are feeling would be best.
Tell her you need some time where you see less of each other, or maybe do a more focused activity like watch a film, where it is not all about her current drama for hours of chatting.
Have you had any counselling and support? Have you got other good friends/ family that you can get support from as needed.
It is not cut and dried as you do need to look after your self, but I think they may be a compromise that puts a bit more space between you shorter term but ultimately does not lose the friendship.
Good luck. Not easy.

Can we please have a trigger warning on here. You literally have no idea what's she's going through. I am beyond words at some of what I've read on this thread.

@WaitingforSummer77 You said your friend has changed but it sounds to me as if she always was this person. The person that took risks and liked to never know what would happen next. Big dreams and optimism etc. I think the conflict of being that type of person but then having the reality of life often leads to drink and drugs type issues.Being raped will have burst her bubble and maybe her risky behaviours are trying to get that feeling of bravery back. Unfortunately she now has a drink problem too so has got messy.

I think you need to be clear to her that you can’t cope with her behaviours before blanking her. It’s too draining to hear about her dramas.
Maybe say you’ll meet her sober and not hungover when she can talk about positive things, getting her job back etc.
Its not necessarily a bad thing cutting out an alcoholic because supporting them feels like enabling.

Your poor friend. I hope you’re never in a situation when you need support and your friends just drop you op

Haven’t read all the relies but you need to explain the situation to her rather than just avoiding her. Blocking her is a shitty thing to do.
the conversation would go something like this;
im really struggling to spend time with you as you are often drunk and put yourself in dangerous situations, I can’t cope with it and is having an impact on my mental health.

she might not like it but at least she knows where she stands with you and what the impact of her actions are having on others.

How quickly do you think she should get over being raped and enduring a court case and losing her job?

This is an excellent post.

OP, it sounds like you need some support too.

Please don't abandon your friend.

This is a very recent event.

However, do our some boundaries in place and speak to your friend of your concerns for her wellbeing.

What'cha betting I return to this thread later and it's disappeared.

So bored of MN lately, wonder when its going to start getting properly monitored to stop people living under bridges. Such a shame what has happened to this site.

I'm actually really shocked at what you have put tbh.

I suspect your a fair weather friend. Someone who talks about positivity and dislikes your world view being tainted.

I would tell her that your unable to support her and todays off. You can reblock if needed. But frankly given what happened to her 2 years ago, she deserves better.

This is one of the most selfish posts I’ve read in a long time.

I don’t understand you OP. Did you really think you’d get everyone on here telling you you’re doing the right thing dumping a good friend over something so awful?

Hopefully it’s all make believe anyway.