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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock, just another one

636 replies

fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 14:38

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

OP posts:
Overtiredmum · 08/07/2010 19:43

You will get angry, obviously this is all new and raw, and my heart goes out to you. But as someone else said, he will become much worse, and that is when you will really start to hate him and get angry. What a callous bastard!

I'm afraid I can offer no advice as to what to tell DDs as when I divorced, there were no children involved.

All I know is from recent experiences which bear no relevance to this, my children have pulled me out of the depths of dispair, with just a smile and a hug. As long as you have each other, you can face the world.

bintofbohemia · 08/07/2010 19:43

Fairy - that totally reflects on him and his state of mind, not on you!

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 19:51

Thanks mouseface - so far df has told the girls that we had an argument and dh is having some time away like a grown-up time-out, she doesn't have kids and I couldn't think of anything better but as long as they know they didn't do anything.

OP posts:
secunda · 08/07/2010 19:54

Make sure you get enough money out of the joint bank account for yourself, otherwise he might swipe it all.

cloudylemonade · 08/07/2010 19:55

I love Mouseface's post.

Please fairy, be good to yourself now. You have a lovely friend who will stand by you. The weekend will shine some light on things. Can you sort the girls out? So they don't witness it all?

Glad you called the PILs and relieved they want to be there for you.

I'm just facing roughly the same, plus the lies, etc. Mine hasn't left yet but don't know what's worse. Living with one big cut or sleeping on a bed of needles.

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 19:57

overtired - if it gets worse from here I may actually go and sit in the cupboard, lol, not prepared for anything more. cloudy, I'm so sorry, always knew it must be horrible to be treated so badly but didn't know how it would feel.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/07/2010 19:59

Cloudy

Elzy · 08/07/2010 19:59

I'm so sorry you're going through this - what a complete and utter pathetic prick he is!!! If you ever need to chat....xxx

Your friend sounds ace though - hang on to her!

loopyloops · 08/07/2010 20:05

You're doing brilliantly. I have changed my mind, just don't have three bottles of wine and if you do have more than three glasses please ask your friend to keep your phone away from you, you don't need to speak to him when you're drunk.

Had a thought about finances - I know your friend got cash out for you, but do you have internet banking? If so, transfer everything from the joint account into your own, and make sure you do cancel those credit cards.

Mouseface · 08/07/2010 20:08

Fairy you are doing just fine. Really you are.

This is a massive shock. You aren't to blame. This will take many twists and turns over the coming hours, days, weeks etc.

And as I said, the more he distances himself from you and the girls, the more he will admit to, assuming there is something to admit.

Do not feel guilty for any of this, and DO NOT feel that you have let the girls down.

YOU have done nothing to cause this.

Lean on those who want to help, it doesn't make you weak to need or want support, it makes you strong.

Strong and proud enough to take it!

Have you talked to your parents yet?

cloudy that is why I asked if you were okay on an earlier thread. So sorry. xx

loopyloops · 08/07/2010 20:11

Dear FairyGodmother's Fairy Godmother (friend).

Thank you for looking after her so well. We don't know you and we don't know her but we're all absolutely livid for her and hoping that she's OK. Please take care of her and her girls, she needs you and you're doing a fantastic job.

By the way, don't let her ring that wanknob fucking tosspotting fuckwit loser when she's drunk.

Many thanks

BertieBasset · 08/07/2010 20:11

Get ALL the money you can out of joint current/savings account now. Move it into your personal accounts because if he can be this shitty to you and your kids, he ain't going to play fair if you do split up permanently. Materially, you need to get as much as possible.

Also, if you can bare it I'd go to your parents/friends for the weekend, show him you're not prepared to hang around.

Appreciate that is a lot easier said than done though

lunavix · 08/07/2010 20:12

fab post from mouseface.

Keep the wine up, get through tonight.

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 20:15

Thanks, I'll pour myself a 4th then. I've got internet banking and have transferred a decent amount into my own to live on if need be but don't want to clean it out in case the bills bounce and not sure how it all works legally. Mouseface my friend spoke to my parents, I'd had enough and she said I'd phone them tommorrow. Can't help swinging between feeling this was somehow down to me, like I actually have been having an affair or not done enough or something and imagining him chatting someone up right now.

OP posts:
DeFluffy · 08/07/2010 20:15

your friend sounds ace and you are doing an fantastic job. Whereabouts are you? Do you need anyone to meet for coffee? Or to help you at all, it must be horribly raw and confusing.

Im Worcestershire if thats any help

clam · 08/07/2010 20:15

I'm just gobsmacked at this guy!
Just what on EARTH does he think he's playing at? It's quite staggering.
Were there ANY signs at all, that something was up? Or has he been a bastard strange before? What sort of dad is he? (glossing over the fact that he's just walked out on his kids for little or no reason) How have you been getting on recently? How much time does he spend doing family things?
It's just odd, odd, odd! And in your shoes I would be incandescent with rage right now.

littlecritter · 08/07/2010 20:16

Sadly, there are a few of us in this position at the moment although doing it like this takes the biscuit. He is the loser here, you know, although it doesn't feel like that right now. I'm 6 days down the line and feeling a tiny bit better every day.

Knowledge is power.

Mouseface · 08/07/2010 20:16

Wonderful Loopy! I really like that!

countingto10 · 08/07/2010 20:22

Has he told you where he is staying ? or did he say he was contactable by mobile only ?

Your friend sounds wonderful btw, we really do find out who our true friends are in times like this

loopyloops · 08/07/2010 20:23

Defluffy I'm in Worcestershire too! I wonder if I know you? It's quite hilly where I live...

FG: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
Either he has gone mad or he's having an affair. Neither are your fault in any way whatsoever.
Now tell us, has he been behaving strangely? Have you found any evidence of anything untoward?

Keep well lovely, you'll be fine, you're clearly a very strong and together person who can pull through this just fine.

ps. did anyone already tell you that he's a twunt? (useful word of the day)

pps. mine's a Shiraz please.

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 20:24

thanks for my first smile of the day loopy, showed it to df who says she's not letting me near the phone until I wake up sober, especially if he phones. I'm in the Midlands defluffy, not sure how much more to say without identifying myself. And sorry this has happened to you too littlecritter, is there some secret book about how to be a bastard going around? clam - he's always worked long hours so not been around as much as me but always gave the impression of caring for the girls, we've had our ups and downs and didn't have a romance novel worthy relationship but completely normal and loving I thought.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 08/07/2010 20:25

fairy

That's the point..... he wants you to think it is all your fault which is why he gave you a 'reason' for him leaving.

You having an affair = green light to leave with a guilt free, one way ticket to shagville!

Trust me, this is part of the plan to project his guilt onto you.

Please, please don't go there. I know it's hard. You know you've not had an affair!

And, you have not (as far as you have said and I believe you) done anything to provoke this.

Do not let him put you in the frame for this.

It's torture. Pure, emotional torture but I promise you, it will get easier. Once you start to really hate him, it will stop ripping you up as much.

You'll go through so many emotions, some you never knew you had!!!

He wants you to feel guilty. Remember that.

loopyloops · 08/07/2010 20:29

Pleasure's all mine.

Is FG'sFG going to stay with you tonight then? I hope so. If DeF or I can do anything to help we're probably not too far away. Just say if so and we'll sort out a clandestine way of exchanging details.

ps. did you get that wine out for me or am I going to have to crack open my own?

pps. to take your mind off things, how about a silly game of I have never, either with FG'sFG or on another thread? (I'm not drunk btw)

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 20:29

Makes a lot of sense mouseface, I've always been so straight with him, it's such a kick in the teeth that now it's all being thrown back at me. If there is someone else he could be shagging her right now - while I'm having to worry about OUR daughters.

OP posts:
DeFluffy · 08/07/2010 20:30

Bloody hell we're all here.

I'm in a bit beginning with K but also have strong ties 20 mins away in a place beginning with Br, DP works in Blackpole.

Point is - if you need anything it sounds like Loopy and I aren't far. Mouse can verify that I'm female and nice (shes my friend on fb).

Seriously if you want anything then put a post up in chat for me or send me a cat (no idea how that works but hoping it does)

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