In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

Have read this thread from start to finish, and really feel for you OP. Your ex (and believe me, he is your ex, there is no going back) is the lowest of the low. He doesn't have the balls to be honest, so like a lot of weak men, he's trying to project all the blame on you. How sad, how unfair, but how so bloody predictable. Do not, and I repeat, do not, allow him to make this your doing. He has finished the marriage. He has walked away, and if he had an ounce of decency in his body, he would find the courage to take responsibility for it. That he can't, tells you all you need to know. Focus on the fact that your life is going to change, and is already changing for the better. Focus on your kids, and your wellbeing. Be gentle on yourself, don't feel you are responsible for picking up the pieces - it's his mess to sort out; if you don't feel like telling people everything - then don't. Deal with what you have to deal with and nothing else. You are worth so much more - he's trying to make you feel guilty - refuse. Refuse to take any of his projected crap on board. Put you and your kids first, and take one day at a time. This is not your fault, it's his. The blame lies at his door - force him to own it. He can't keep his options open - he cannot control how you react - he cannot keep the door open for his return, because he's screwed up big time. So slam the door firmly in his face and let him deal with the fallout.

Hi there - just read this from start to finish

Here's what I think - although I could be wrong.

Your H has been having an affair and has told his OW he will leave. They've even been so far as to book a summer holiday together, because he's told her he'll have left by then.

But he's bottled it until the last available moment. Then he's taken the out in the most cowardly way possible.

Then his parents have got involved and he's bottled it some more. He'd like a couple of weeks out? Give me a break. His OW will think he's left - but he's still trying not to have made a decision, so he can go off on his holiday with nothing ruled out.

Bear in mind under these circs he's likely to be lying through his teeth to his parents, so they may be less sympathetic this morning.

My advice would be to call him on it - to say you believe he is about to go on holiday with someone else - and if he goes, he can consider that the end. Anyone who spreads around this much cruelty doesn't deserve your love. He thinks he can come back after this?

fairy

I'm glad to read that the anger has kicked in. There is no particular order for the grieving process, and that is what this is, so go with the flow of your emotions. Let it just happen. At times it will feel as though you are just floating along and others like you want to scoop up the girls and run far, far away.

How are they this morning? And you? Did you settle at all after posting?

Please eat.

The advice here is coming thick and fast and you have heaps of support, so use it.

Get all of your ranting out here, and with your friends and to your parents today but be careful not to let the girls hear you slating their father.

I was thinking of you at stupid o'clock this morning whilst trying to settle DS.

Can I make a suggestion? Write down what you want to happen, as and when it comes into your head.

Your thoughts will go from one extreme to another. What you want one minute, you may not the next.

You want this to all go away and you want to stop hurting. I have no doubt that you ache so very much. I wish I could take that away for you.

Talk things over with your parents. The practical stuff as well as who to tell and how much to tell them.

Would you be happy with your parents maybe telling some family members? Save going through it again and again?

You don't have to tell anyone anything BTW, not until YOU feel ready.

You are in control now so please don't worry about 'getting in first'. People who genuinely care for you will read between the lines of anything said by H.

Do not change the locks. You can use the snip/door chain to prevent him coming in but only whilst you are in the house. He has to be able to gain access.

I would ask that he calls before he turns up. And when he comes out with a smart arsed line like 'Is that so you can rid of your fancy man', smile sweetly and say 'I understand that you have as much right to be here as me and the girls, I just thought you might respect my privacy'.

Small steps. There is so much to do and take in. Keep making your list of what you need to do.

You do need to ring tax credits if you have been claiming them - 0845 300 3900 - and tell them that he went on Wednesday and is no longer living with you.

They will call it a breakdown within the family home IIRC but don't let this upset you too much. I don't think they have a 'the spineless fecker shagged about' catagory!

You may be entitled to more money, help with childcare costs etc, depending on what you already claim.

Are you supposed to be working tomorrow?

Keep going! You are doing so very well, I know it feels like your emotions could swallow you up at any minute, especially in the wee small hours but you are rising above him. You are getting stronger every single hour, every single day.

xx

Can I just add to all the sterling advice on here that a bit later on, after the immediate aftermath, it is possible to go to Relate on your own to talk things through. I did that after terrible times with xp (violence) and found it very helpful, even though I am not normally the counselling type.

Longtalljosie I think your assessment is spot on. Does anyone remember the Fading Away/Boilerwoman thread from last year? The H left a note on the table, before disappearing off on holiday with the OW - and his wife and 5 DCs had no idea he was unhappy, let alone having an affair and about to leave them . It is very similar.

In terms of the relationship, I don't think there is any way back from this at all, so the focus should be on restoring your emotional health as a little family - and the practical aspects of parting from him. Perhaps tomorrow, the letter will arrive following my earlier suggestion about online billing and all will be revealed then.

I think when something so shocking like this happens, it could really help to have an emergency session with a counsellor, because when somebody behaves this badly to you, it can shake every bit of trust you've had in humanity. It rocks your faith in the world to a terrible extent.

Longtalljosie might be right, actually. The timing of the summer holidays - come on, he didn't time it that way for the sake of the girls, and yet let you know via a fucking anonymous letterdrop, did he? That makes no sense, so if he did time it deliberately then the summer holiday with OW scenario makes sense.

But it doesn't really matter. What matters is what mathanxiety is saying - he has a plan, financially speaking, and he's screwed up so far (i suspect he didn't mean to tell you about previous affair, e.g.) but there's something behind it all.

Are your assets protected? Can he drain the joint accounts? I'm sorry, I know you've talked about this upthread, but I'm really paranoid on your behalf and this man is....oooh, he's such a shit.

Still feeling really tired, my parents are here, my mum's making a roast lunch, because any problem can be solved by enough cooking! Have the biscuit tin up here though, going from nothing to fat drenched meat is a bit much. I have no idea about any plans with an OW, we were supposed to be taking alternate weeks off to cover summer so god knows what happens if he's going off somewhere. Starting to see the sense of a PI - anyone know how much they cost?

We don't have a yale lock, only a key one but while I'm in am keeping it locked with key in. Joint current account is only for regular bills, we have joint savings, will have to ask the bank whether I can take them - is that legal seeing as they're joint? Have to work tommorrow, having Friday off would have been frowned on enough.

Thank you everyone for just being here. Starting to feel so babyish and paranoid - was getting scared of the dark last night and keep freezing when the phone rings (none from dh), even with dds this morning I kept going to the bathroom/another room to hide.

FG What's happening about the online billing thing?

Sorry, losing track. Df did it when she was here thurs or fri (they seem like one day), not heard anything back about it yet.

I can log in on Orange but it doesn't have the latest bill up as yet

If you can log into Orange, it will have all the bills for the last 2 years, plus a link to show you the bill up until yesterday's date (current useage).

I've just read this thread from start to finish and I'm lost for words.

Fairy, what a dreadful shock for you - my heart goes out to you. I also agree with LongTallJosie. The normal reaction of someone who has discovered their OH is having an affair is to confront face to face, not to slip you a letter and then bugger off.

Take one day at a time, and don't even think about letting him make you feel bad!

xx

FG Do you really have to go to work tomorrow? My XP left very suddenly 9 days ago and my GP basically said, how long do you want a sick note for? Your mental health is at stake here. Be kind to yourself. Unless you find work therapeutic then I would concentrate on other things. My job is very responsible (nurse) and I don't trust myself to be able to make safe decisions at the moment. Will your workplace grind to a halt if you're not there? I doubt it. Start putting yourself first.

Agree with lc, put yourself first. Go to GP, they'll sign you off, so you can focus on yourself.

I started reading this yesterday and came back on now for an update.

Thinking of you FG

Thinking how easy our lives can be turned upside down by the selfish act of one person (two actually if consider OW)

I've just read this thread. I'm so and for you.

I don't have anything constructive to add but wanted to offer my support x

fairy

Work. Go if you want to, if you feel that you can handle it. However, DO NOT go because you feel that you have to due to what your employer may say/think. LC has a valid point.

Go to the GP and asked to be signed off. Explain why and if you have a good relationship with you immediate boss, maybe put them in the picture.

You are the girls primary carer so work has to take a back seat for a while.

Please also explain to school that you and H have spoken to them over the weekend and to what extent. That way, if they get upset in school (which is highly likely so be prepared to have to go and get them) the school will have some understanding as to why.

They can also advise you of any entitlements you may have, free school dinners etc. now that H is notliving there, and you will not be taking him back.

Because you must not. You must not take him back. He planned this. He had this all worked out to one degree or another. He came to you yesterday with his plan and told you how it was going to be.

That stops now. No more having his cake and eating it.

What you are feeling, paranoid, hemmed in, is normal. Breathe through the anxiety. Take your time, go out into the garden. Close your eyes and just breathe.

This too will pass. As you start to feel your confidence coming back, albeit very slowly, you will feel safer. It all just takes time.

I don't think you should empty the joint savings account without speaking to H. Maybe tell him you want half of what's in it?

Think further down the line. H could actually use that against you in court. Taking all the joint savings without consent.

You are an amazingly strong woman. And every forward step that you take is a step further towards healing yourself, and your beautiful daughters.

xx

I agree with mouseface about the joint account, putting this in writing and doing the withdrawal will not leave you open to any problems later about this. So take into account how much was withdrawn the other day and then do the remainder. Much better to be the one 'doing the right thing'.
Such a shame about not being able to change the locks

oh my god! I have just read 20 pages of this and cannot believe how cold and heartless he is being.

Fairy, you are very strong and very very brave. You will get through this.

Will keep checking in on you.

So sorry FG.

Oh yes, everything Mouseface says is spot on, FGM.

May I add that delegation of the task of telling 'everyone' will make your life so much easier. You parents and your friend, the one who has been helping you out, can do this so much easier than you can, and convey your wishes about how anyone can help you right now too.

Permission in advance to visit your home is essential as a hint to the H that it is now your turf, as well as a safeguard to your emotional wellbeing. Reality checks of that nature are absolutely necessary for him right now. The more you can think of, the merrier. It is truly horrible to have someone feeling free to come and go as he pleases. You can't change the locks. I would like to suggest here too that if he makes a remark about your alleged paramour, ask him when he'll be giving you a key to his flat.

Get caller id for your phone if you don't have it. Tell him you will only accept calls from him at certain times and will not pick up otherwise.

Please drain the joint account, maybe leave a token amount there, and check the status of the savings right away. There may me an OW or an OM, and much may already have been spent on him or her, and/or there may be something else on top of that like a gambling debt or hundreds spent on online porn. Not meaning to scare you here, but check that account.

Please remember his coldness and let it stiffen your resolve here. It is very scary to be in the position of a deer in the headlights as you now feel you are, and trying to catch up with the financial details, on top of dealing with everyday life, on top of the shock to your system. But talking to a solicitor and knowing your options will clear the mental fog to some extent.

As Mouseface says -- your GP could help tremendously.

FG - have just read whole thread. The advice you're already getting is excellent, so just wanted to add some more support and an un-MN hug. You are doing amazingly well, whether it seems like it right now or not. You are an incredible person.

Adding my vote that Twatty McTwat is doing what LongTallJosie has suggested.

Hey my sweet - hope you have been able to relax and unwind with your parents today.

I can second the Nytol suggestion, it's so important that you are eating and sleeping atm.

Also second the need to inform the girl's school. They will be reeling and will no doubt need to talk about it all with friends/teachers. Friends' parents may also be invaluable with extra child care over the summer holidays in case fuckwit has other plans with his holiday.

Stay strong - I'm amazed at how well you are doing - and embrace the anger to make you stronger.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - you will be better off after this...

when you see your solicitor, ask him about debts....I think there is something you can place as an ad in your local paper that says from such and such a date you will not be held responsible for his debts. In case he thinks he will run up a couple of grand in holiday fees for you to pay.

If he's been having affairs on and off, I would put money on the fact that he has a second credit card/bank acounts. Maybe look for payslips and other documents to see if there are regular payments going to a new account, or if the money on the payslip does not tally with income.