In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

Fairy, you are doing an amazing job of working through this nightmare. Lots of excellent advice here and I can't think of anything to add in that respect. I just wanted to add my support.

Gosh he really is a nasty bastard, isn't he.

Just read this, FG what an awful situation your H is putting you and your daughters through. Its absolutely appalling and hope he comes to feel really bad about it. Sounds like you have a very good friend helping you. wish i could do something to help. but am sending a hug your way. keep your chin up chick. more big hugs x

What a total shit he is. I can't offer any more advice than you've already been given on this thread. You are doing brilliantly in horrendous circumstances. Knowing about a 2 year affair/fuck buddy relationship would be enough for me to end it totally, there would be no going back. 2 years??? Unforgivable. And trying to turn the blame on you? Unforgiveably low.

The thing I always find amazing about this site is the fact that these men use the same old script, excuses and platitudes and think they are being oh so original and will never be sussed out. How stunned and shocked they must be to suddenly find that their DW/DP just doesn't buy it because of the excellent advice and sharing of experiences on here.

Another lurker here

Your H is behaving so awfully, it is quite unbelievable.

You are getting great advice here.

I was going to suggest a PI. At least you will get the truth - something he is not prepared to tell you.

AFAIK, a lot of men do the whole 'you're having an affair' thing, when it is actually them. I suppose it stops their guilt

Keep strong and make sure that you instigate proceedings with a solicitor. Even if you don't go ahead with a divorce, it helps to have everything written down and prepared to go if necessary.

FG, he's a massive twat. You're being amazing. I'd have a bloody affair with you! (That's an assertion, not advice, BTW ).

Hope you're finding some comfort from being snuggled up with your girls. They are your world now, and what a better, purer, more honest and more loving world it is than the one you had with H.

I hope you and your girls had a lovely snuggle together FG. You are coping amazingly well x

Hate being up in the middle of the night, hate not being able to sleep, just watched 3 films back to back to at least try and doze. Hate HIM, stupid stupid bastard. Fucking tosser. Hate that it'll soon be daytime and I'll have more stuff to do. Have to somehow tell everyone, repeat everything 100 times. So much time sodding wasted, feel like I've lost my whole life now. No idea what he'll be planning or doing right now. It's all one big mess, every minute it seems to get worse. Really hate him and so fed up of dealing with this in my head, can't even go to DH who's supposed to be there for a crisis! Bloody bloody bloody..... cheating wanker!

hey fg, haven't posted before but have followed your thread closely, I have been quietly cheerleading for you.

just wanted to let you know that while I can't add to the brilliant advice you have been given, I'm awake still and ready to listen if you need to vent, talk or even be distracted

xxx

Thank you DL, I don't know what I want, apart from it still to all go away. May go back and cuddle the girls again soon, just felt claustrophobic for a bit with them asleep and me awake. If I lie down I want to be up, if I'm up I'm desperate to go back to bed!

oh sweetheart these first few nights will be the worst of all, it can be so difficult to switch off sometimes

I don't know whether it might help but when I am utterly mentally exhausted but can't switch off, I often spend ten/ fifteen minutes doing a mad tidy up to get some of it out of my system, and then jump in the shower for a few mins to cool down, going from quite hot to cold does help me falls asleep, in fact I did this last night as I couldn't sleep

I know that it really doesn't feel like it, but in the long run he has done you a favour, you will be able to move on with your girls, and live a new life and achieve amazing things
but he has just pissed this amazing life and you away, he will regret that he underestimated you forever

Morning Fairy. Hope you managed to get some sleep in the end. It's not surprising you don't know where to put yourself but you're coping really well. xxx

What an utterly despicable human being he is. It's just astounding.

You are doing so well. You will get through this sweetheart and you will feel like a weight has been lifted at some point, it is very early days.

He will have a miserable existence.

He's definitely looking to deflect responsibility away from himself , to justify his actions - past or more likely current/near future. Sorry suspect there is more to come out and his weasly friend knows. This wasn't done on impulse, he has planned an escape and thought about it so long he can detach himself emotionally. Take care of yourself and dd's

I'd change the sodding locks and put DH's stuff in bin bags in a lock up if he did something like that to me.

The cheek!

Boffin - if his name is on the mortgage, you can't change the locks. My sol told me that h would be perfectly entitled to live in our house until the divorce settlement was agreed and the divorce settled. Not a perfect scenario but still legally right.

Can't add anything to what all the others have said - except thinking of you, and wishing you strength

Qxx

I think talking about it in the past is easing his guilt. He thinks he's confessed, you should be grateful he's come clean and you can both move on from it. I'd bet it's been the last two years and still ongoing by his behaviour. He will be under pressure from OW.

He won't honestly think you are having an affair, it's his way of managing/reducing his own guilt by deflecting. He's believing his own lies.

Try and take some control back if you can. He is still trying to call the shots and tell you what you can and can't do. If you can't face telling people give yourself a break and hide away from the world for a few days if you need to.

RL support is crucial. And even though it is painful teling people revealing what he's doing may help to 'burst the bubble' he's in and get back to reality. I don't mean rushing back to you but comunicating with you like an adult and taking his responsibility to your girls as a priority.

About the changing the locks issue, is it alright to put on the 'snip' (does every front door have one?) and put the chain across the door?

I know that only stops him coming in when you're already in the house, but it would remind him that he left and can't come and go as he pleases. I think you having to come to the door to let him in would send out a more assertive message.

Grrrrrr makes me mad that men in these situations can lie, cheat, accuse, move out..... but still come and go as he pleases.

This is probably the hardest bit - what you are going through now. It will get easier bit by bit.

You are already at the next stage - a step closer to recovery from this. You have moved a bit further away from the initial head spinning shock (although the shock will remain for a wee while it will be beginning to subside a little) and you are now starting the angry phase. Both are shit - but you're already onto the next step on your journey to recovery from this.

Rant away to your DF, parents and us. You need to get it out of your system. It will come in waves but thats normal. Just rant away and we will be here to listen.

I have been thinking of you all weekend. I expect he will drip feed little facts about his infidelity. Rarely any man will tell the whole lot in one fell swoop. The seem to go into damage limitation initially and only drip feed little bits here and there under pressure or when they realise their bullshit cover story is falling apart.

I am still not convinced he genuinely believes deep deep down that you are having an affair. Obviously I wasn't there to hear what he said but he still seems too passive on the topic imo.

Sending you lots of PMA. Good luck with your parents today. Keep posting and just KNOW that how ever shit this all is now, you WILL move on from this crisis and you WILL be happy again at some point.

Hello Fairy,

Go to a chemist today and get some Nytol one-a-night.

I found them invaluable at this stage (whether it is for non-stop crying, feeling ill from sleep deprived headache or lack of food, racing-mind that won't switch off etc). I was concerned they would knock me out and I wouldn't be awake for the dcs if they needed me but in fact it just relaxes you enough to get you to sleep.

Get some non-creamy soup that you can heat and drink from a mug. It'll keep you ticking over and your poor body can deal with it.

A few other things I thought of:

You probably have little else on your mind and advice, whilst good, brings in another body blow of reality - and a view of the current dystopia further down the line. It isn't nice but it is normal to feel that way.

You'll be experiencing all sorts of conflicting feelings rolling on top of one another without a moment to catch breath - whilst your dds are expecting cool consistency. Normal too.

Re telling dcs: Initially we told ours that "daddy was living near work for a bit as he was busy" (didn't say busy doing what - in fact I didn't know at this point!) as a holding statement. I didn't feel ready to say "Mummy and Daddy don't love each other etc" at that point as it would have been a lie for me. As it was, a few weeks down the line, revelations aplenty etc and time for me to mentally adjust - I was then able to say "Mummy and Daddy don't get along any more" with veracity.

It's weird isn't it.. on the one hand it is the most intensely personal event and isolating because of it - on the other there's a thousand before you and a thousand after - and as another poster said - the phrases, lies and duplicity are the same time and again. Difficult to know which is worse.

Anything I can do or say please ask fairy. So many helped me here.

Must go as exP due any minute and I wish to keep my internet use private!

I rarely read threads of this length from end to end, but this is the most horrific thread I've heard. That a grown man could walk out on his wife and gorgeous children with a letter, then try to blame the woman who has held everything together for the last 8/9/10 years is despicable.

Your (hopefully) soon to be ex is clearly seeing someone else but wants you to take the blame, so is concocting a fantasy in his head that YOU have left this relationship not him. He's a tosser...but I think you know that already.

He has sneered at you printing out your threads from MN because he knows that you're getting great advice from here with people who have been through similar things. He's scared he'll be caught out.

You have been so strong. It's like dying every time you have to tell someone what's happening...and during the early days you have to tell SO many people, when you'd rather just bury your head in the sand.

Your H knows you can't do that, because you've got children. You know you can't. And all I can do is say that you are doing such a fantastic, proactive job in protecting yourself and your girls. I wouldn't send you hugs, right now, but the killer instinct of the mother lion when her cubs are threatened. This man sounds like he'll happily take away your home and your security and that will affect your children. Fight hard...be strong...and know that even people you don't know are rooting for you and admire you for the strength you've already shown to date.

You sound very strong, FG, it is amazing that you are up and functioning in the face of such a crazy few days.

I'm hesitant about posting, because I haven't got personal experience, but I've seen some friends go through breakups.

I wondered if you could access all your rage and anger, and start imposing what you want a bit more. Is a relationship with an unfaithful man what you want? You don't have to go along with his plan, you can rage and use cold steely anger to carry you through this, with you in charge, not him. I just see the future, with this as the starting point, and him gradually unrolling his grand plan, to a point where he has his OW (or OM), he gets the kids when and where he wants them, he doesn't have much fiscal responsibility etc etc. He shouldbe trying to crawl back into your good books - he has admitted a two year affair, FGS. You hold the power - he knows that, really, and that's why he's trying this play with accusing you of a made-up affair.

I can imagine that you are getting advice and suggestions from all sides, so I'm sorry if this adds to the mental noise (in both senses of that phrase). But, please, if you can, hold on to what you want, and try and take a long hard look at whether the relationship is worth it to you. And if not, let him have it. You have the massed ranks of the angry MNers with you, and we take no prisoners.

Just popping by to let you know I'm thinking of you today Fairy. Hope you get lots of support and love from your parents x