In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

FG not sure if I am near you or not in Cheltenham but the offer of help or wine is there. Can't believe what he's done to you. My email is [email protected] if you need anything ok

well done fairy

i am in West Midlands - if you need anything or i can help you anyway just let me know

Man's a twat.

Sorry. Not constructive but he is.

Sorry

Chin up fg.

We're all here! I'm Kidderminster but can easily get to Bromsgrove/Worcester/Redditch/Studley/Lickeys etc. So please shout.

The mention of self-permitting by Vertigo is absolutely true.

You don't feel anything like it now, but you will feel liberated eventually. And angry, angry, angry along the way. Angry beyond words.

He has a plan. He is executing it. Dig in for your endgame (with your solicitor) and don't be sidetracked by his 'working it out together, separately, while I feed you half truths and insults, and carry on exactly as I please' BS.

If you can find anything out about what's been going on, do. But don't let this distract you from the job ahead of you, because it can end up consuming your life. What you find may shock and surprise you, and hurt like ripping off a bandage; it will demonstrate clearly what you know already about your H's character, and fill in the details. Can you afford a PI?

WRT the ILs -- unless they cut you out completely or start repeating his insults or making excuses for him, don't blame them, but hold back your plans from them. He is their son after all. They may try to get him to persuade you to take him back, because they will not fully understand what he has done and what he intends and will not understand that he has no intention of being a good husband. He will go through the motions and tell them that you're a coldhearted b%%%h and won't listen to his heartfelt pleas. He will play them as he will play you.
Don't reveal your hand to the ILs. They will be very torn over the next little while. Save your secrets for your parents.

You are right -- not having him there will make it a lot easier for you, emotionally, and you should make it clear to him that he is not coming back. He has made arrangements for himself all by himself behind your back, you can be sure of that. He can continue to do so if his current OW or OM (or plural for both) doesn't work out.

Fairy have been following your story with a mix of disbelief at your H's sheer spinelessness and your own decency, eloquency and ability to deal with the situation far better than I'm sure most people would.

You've been provided with a wealth of advice and I've nothing more to add other than to give you my very best wishes on a more positive future.

You can do so much better than him and you will do.

FG - so sorry for all the pain and trauma that has been dumped on you by a man you trusted (grrr...)

Such good advice on here and you are doing so, so well.

Unfortunately the thing that screams out to me has been voiced by mathanxiety - he has a plan.

There is something so calculated about the letter drop, subsequent meet with "I'm off to holiday flat" thrown in.

Makes me wonder what's next in his machinations

So be strong girl - be in control with the help of this sterling advice.

He really doesn't realise what a fantastic person you are. His loss.

FG - no more advice but I am so sorry for all that this man is putting you and your through.

I hope you don't take him back - he has proved in my eyes that he doesn't deserve you or your DDs. And if you ever think about taking him back remember how much he hurt them over something that wasn't even true.

I'm sorry I gave to agree with two things - he seems to have a plan and he probably is having an affair.

Sort the practical stuff out as you have been doing to protect yourslf and your DDs, as I suspect there will be more to this story.

He doesn't realise it yet but YOU are in control of this situation.

well, going on his responses when you had your talk, it sounds like he wants to justify taking time out of your relationship so he can shag around and 'figure out what he wants'. the supposed 'affair' you're having is an excellent excuse for having the moral high ground. of course, he needs an open door to walk back into into his old life either once he's shagged around enough or come to his bloody senses. i doubt very much that the OW story is the whole truth...

you have no control over what he does or thinks so all you can do is focus on your own/the kids immediate needs and put that before everything else.i feel for your girls- my parents had affairs and it's very confusing and upsetting.

regarding contact- don't let him set the pace, do things YOUR way.

lurker here - I try not to swear to much but what a FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously - he admitted an affair then told you it wasnt relevant? ARSE. Dont go back to him and screw the git down with your solicitor - honestly!

No idea how much a PI costs but could possibly get one, wouldn't have a clue how apart from googling. All this advice is making me cry all over again, have to love MN, usually try to reply to any posts on threads I start but completely losing the ability here but am still taking everything in, have a notebook and post-its full of 'do this' or 'remember this'. Thank you to everyone who's offered RL help, may take it up one day soon but right now feel swamped as it is, sorry. All the support is literally keeping me going.

Completely agree with the 'plan' idea - feeling so stupid and let down that I actually thought everything was ok, starting to feel like he's got some big plan and is just happily carrying it out regardless, feel so used. Not going to cut IL's out, am sure they will support him but they didn't seem all that bothered by the idea I was having an affair, which they would if they thought I was so maybe that's one thing. Hate having to dig through things again, they can whistle if they want regular updates. Not going to tell them anything more than necessary, haven't got the will OR the energy.

My parents are coming tommorrow morning, not sure when. Part of me wants to just drive off when they arrive and leave all this to someone else. Not seriously going to though, in case anyone worries. Eating an abnormal amount of chewing gum though for a break from blubbing now and again.

Have put the girls in my bed, they readily accepted, not sure if it was to be near me or have the tv on, going to go and hide in there with them after I post this so sorry if I'm slow replying. Keep looking at the wine and the rum but can't even be bothered to drink. And keep ending my replies when I'm staring at the screen losing the plot

Fairy I am so, so sorry you are going through this. That so called excuse for a man has shown his true colours & is not worthy of such a lovely lady in his life, one day he will realise he had it all & let it all slip through his fingers for being such a twat.

Remember that you will get through this, right now you are having to remind yourself to breath in & out but in time you won;t need to remind yourself anymore.

He is a twat. A useless, wanking, pathetic twat & he had it so good & pissed all over it. This is not your fault in anyway, stay strong, & know you have MN on your side. If there is anything you need that I can send you please do not hesitate to ask.

You are getting some super advice here, keep posting & we can all continue to support you. I'm not so great on the advice front but always here for some virtual hand holding.

fairy

Don't worry about replying. The desire not to drink is good.

Go get your jammies on, get in bed, watch tv with the girls until you all fall asleep.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

You will never, ever regret the day that you took control of your own destiny.

You owe him nothing.

You owe yourself and beautiful girls YOU.

Just rest tonight. Turn off your mobile, turn the ringer to off on the land line, lock all the doors and just be.

Don't feel bad for wanting to cocoon yourself and your girls in the house, in your bed.

I hope you all get some peace and rest tonight.

Come back tomorrow or whenever you can.

Virtual bacon butties and hot tea will be waiting for you here!

Take care xx

You're not one bit stupid, FGM. You're an honest, decent human being who had the misfortune to have an extended brush with an utter waste of space. One of many.

You're hurt and exhausted and humiliated and shaken to your core, but look what you've managed to do your DDs are tucked safely in bed, and you've stood by them and kept them secure. You've reached out to the PILs and your friend and your parents you've rounded up help here too. You've dealt with the little details (school and bank) that needed seeing to, and managed to shower, tidy and get food in the house for the coming week, and feed the girls today. You're truly marvellous.

You can do this, FGM, shaky though you feel. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You know the truth, and he knows you know the truth; whatever he chooses to say, you both know it's all deranged gibberish. It's hard to face the unknown, it's hard to hear the cruel lies the man you married is now spouting to anyone with a pulse/pint in front of them, and to you. But you know the truth.

(Your girls will love having you cuddling up with them. They know what's important.)

Fairy, I have nothing to add but my support. You have had lots of brilliant advice from others hwo have sadly gone through the same and they can heklp you more than I, but we are all here for you in whatever way we can be.

FG you are an amazing person who deserves the moon on a stick. And your H, (can't face to put the D), well, he is worthless.

Stay strong. You can do it.

Fg I'm in awe of how well you're doing. I'm sure you don't feel like it but you are being incredibly strong, brave and competent - in other words completey the opposite of that cowardly gobshite.

I hope you get some sleep tonight and manage to eat something. X

Fg, oh my god - I just can't believe what you H has been up to

just add his 'fuck buddy' to your list of facts - the shit he has done. Everything else he has said to you is total rubbish, especially everything to make you feel guilty.

Make sure you keep a list of the facts handy so you don't lose your way when he starts telling you how things are going to be, and when he starts sending you on guilt trips.

Hope you and your DDs are tucked up safely, take care - it's sounds like you're an amazing mum

OMFG Fairy - so sorry It sounds as though there is much more to this. I'd be prepared to put money on him either having another woman or wanting some extra curricular fun (again). Unlikelyamazonian is right imo (glad you are back UA). Fairy - glad you have some good RL support. Hope you are managing to eat a bit

I'm thinking of you fairy. Sleep well tonight

X

Fairy I am so so sorry...

I cant belive what he has done to you!! He has an affair and tries to turn it all around on you! It may not feel like it now but you are better of without him.

Hope you are cuddling your little babies now, and that you get some rest tonight...

Sending you lots of love

xx

Hi Fairy, I hope you are coping ok tonight.
I really feel for you.

I cant help thinking that the affair he mentioned is ongoing. I think he has possibly been given an ultimatum by the OW and thats why he is playing this game. He is going to test the water with her and if it doesnt work he will go back to you. If it does work out, then he will say that he bumped into her, he was single so they just took it from there. That way he didnt leave you because of her and he ends up looking the good guy with everyone.

I hope you dont take him back, whatever happens as he sounds a despicable piece of ...

I hope you manage to stay strong and just take it one day at a time. You have your children, they will keep you going.

Oh Fairy, what an absolutely horrible man
Enjoy snuggling up with your girls - and just think, you can do that every night now if you want.