In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

ah, feliz regreso UA!

Well, am a bit shamefaced as I got a gentle rollicking from HQ (thanx MNHQ - you were very nice ) and should really have stayed away a bit longer, but this is an emergency with a fuckwit-extraordinaire.

Mouseface has been spot on in offering practical and step-by-step advice on things to do. That is so so important in these devastating out-of-the-blue situations.

I am afraid, FG, your Husband's marriage is over. Yes. That's right. Your husband has ruined his marriage.

Unless you are making things up and you have in fact been shagging someone, then your h has fucked it up. Deliberately or not, calculatingly or not, it is done and dusted.

There are some cases where you might be able to get back on track but this is not one of them.

He had a 'fuck-buddy' for two years? Then it's finished. He walked out on his children leaving just a random note? Then it is finished.

Because he will just do it all over again. In another day, year, week or by the time another baby is here.

So now FG, as MF and others are saying, you have the practicalities to sort out. It is fucking fucking hard but do-able. And you have proved yourself well up to the job. You can actually sort the main ones in just a few working days too (the practical stuff I mean)

Shall I go on or piss off now?
He cannot possibly come back.

UA - you bloody star....

GO ON!!!!

Fairy - you are a wonderful example to your children .

No one can tell you what to do but fwiw my advice would be to go for a divorce. Get in first so he can't divorce you for "adultery."

You have done nothing wrong, there is nothing you have done to cause him to have to go off and shag someone else, he is a cheat and cruel and you deserve much much better.

Welcome back, UA. And fairy, you have done extraordinarily well. Your H has been an unspeakable tosser of the highest order to the point where I sort of wish you actually were having an affair so at least you would have got some pleasure out of this whole ludicrous situation. Yes, the admission of the existence of a fuck buddy is clearly totally irrelevant to the breakdown of your marriage, even though he's allowed to end it over the accusation of your non-existent OM. That makes sense.

Keep strong.

FGM, well done. Well done. You are brave beyond words. You must be exhausted and drained.

Now you know a few facts:

Your soon to be exH is a deluded piece of pondscum.
He has no idea how to tell right from wrong.

He is having an affair/ shagging someone (still don't know if it's a man or a woman) and has been for years.
He is too immature to have an adult relationship with anyone. Maybe a fuck buddy arrangement, but not marriage or a family.

He will not go to Relate because he is afraid a counsellor would point out the truth about himself to him, which he already knows, out loud in front of you.
He cannot bear the truth about himself so he projects his own faults and his own actions onto you. This is the level of rationality and morality he is operating on.
(This is what toddlers do when they accuse the cat of writing on the wall rather than admit it was them).
Hearing the truth about himself or being forced to confront it would be too much of a blow to his massively dysfunctional ego.

Everything he accuses you of, he has done. He is having an affair. He is cold.
He is cruel, cruel, cruel, and calculating, and a liar (and a bad one too)

He is not husband material.

The starting point in his twisted logic is that he fancied a little extramarital excitement and went for it, and is probably planning on keeping it going. Something has caused him to cut loose at this juncture. All the rest is just BS piled high to justify everything in his own messed up head. He knows the truth but he is too much of a messed up, immature and dysfunctional gobshite to honour you with it, and he is stupid enough to try to accuse you of exactly what he is doing himself, and deluded too.

Who he is shagging, for how long, what has caused him to up sticks and leave are actually irrelevant, he is actually right there, although honesty on his part would be respectful to you. (He is not going to be respectful to you in this though).

Pay attention to what he told you about money and how he feels about it. The fact that he has some sort of ideal divorce situation in his head where the two of you will not end up fighting over the TV shows you that he has considered divorce (and will probably fight you over the TV, using his delusions of your affair as justification for screwing you until his solicitor sets him right) Keep any notes you made of today's conversation, and ask your PILs what he said to them and make note of it too.

You have surprised and annoyed him by drawing out cash. That brought him face to face with the reality that you are a fully functioning separate human being, something he only partly understands. It was a great hint by you to him that you are your own woman here, not a player in his mental drama following his script.

You both know the truth, deep down. He has given you enough information to know he is not the man you thought he was, and is actually a very nasty and immature person who is behaving really, really badly even for this type of specimen, and intends to keep on doing so. He has a massive sense of entitlement and no qualms about saying outrageous things to you and apparently to his friends about you. No phrase or act is off limits to him. He has permitted himself to do as he pleases, and fully expects no adverse consequences.

Now you know who and what you're dealing with, please go to a solicitor asap. The arrangement about paying the mortgage will need to be formally agreed upon, and he should pay something towards the girls from his pay.

(Sorry this is a really long post)

XXXXXXXXXXXXX to you and your girls. Get your friend over to take care of you if you can. Wish I could be there.

I agree with Fabster, I know this much be so much to take in since yesterday morning, when everything seemed fine....... but the damage is done. As UA says, he has fucked up his marriage and been so cruel so deluded and so insensitive to your feelings that I wouldn't want him as a friendly acquaintance.

Great advice from posters here. All I would add at this juncture is that he is having an affair right now. What ever he says. That is why he has left. Might be a different person to the former "buddy" (yuck) but there is definitely someone right now.

Good God, the more this man speaks, the more abhorrent he becomes!

What a lovely situation he's describing for you there, Fairy - he gets to go and live the swinging life, no doubt with some woman in tow that he hasn't told you about yet, while you sit at home and dutifully look after his children and his house and sit on your hands patiently waiting for him to return to the family fold. What a lovely prospect for you!

I sincerely hope for your own sake that you tell this monster where the hell to go

mathanxiety

Brilliant. Truly, bloody brilliant and of course, spot on. Unfortunately

I second wishing I could be there in person. And yes, please see if a friend can be with you tonight fairy.

Your parents will be there for you and the girls tomorrow but tonight is going to be hard.

FGM, I'm so sorry. You seem to be getting some great advice on here. The only thing I would add is that he will be telling you what he thinks he can get away with and it will not be the whole truth. If he's gone from "you're having an affair" to "I've had an affair" in just two days, you can bet that there is more stuff to come out. Be prepared.
If he keeps the act up, just repeat over and over, "I have not been unfaithful. You are simply using this untruth in an attempt to justify your own callous and selfish behaviour."
Stay strong. Best wishes.

Just a second, Twatty McTwatty has an affair and it's irrelevant? He doesn't want to go to Relate because he can work everything out with a shag pad time apart. Well isn't he gods fucking gift?

Let me lead us all in a cleansing yell:

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I feel so much better now

fg make sure you keep a note of everything said etc. from here on out, it can only help you in court.

Did I mention you're a fabulous, strong woman regardless of what McTwatty's actions!

MightBeSlightlyAnnoyedTiggaxx

FGM - what an awful situation you are in. I am sure a lot of know exactly how you are feeling at the moment and can't sympathise enough with you.

You have some really great practical advice, get to the solicitors and get the money sorted out.

I am in the WWIFN camp and think he is undoubtedly having an affair - probably not with the OW he has admitted to as he was so quick to give that little affair up to you.

Stay strong love - you are the better person and this is not your fault no matter how hard he may try to turn it around.

Another lurker here, wishing you well.

I don't think anyone's specifically pointed out one piece of bullshit, which is that here's this guy who happily had a bit on the side for at least two years that he's admitted to, yet when he thinks you are doing the same - no more nor less than he did, mark you - it's a good reason to walk out. Is sauce for the goose also sauce for the gander, or is it not? Was his affair all right because you didn't know about it, or is he just a much more sensitive soul than you are? There is absolutely no logic in any of this, therefore I conclude, no truth either.

From now on do not believe a word the cheaty bugger says, especially about money. Trust him no further than you can throw him, and if he asks you to trust him, do so even less.

lot of us know!!

You said the thought of an STD test worries you - please don't worry. They just take a few swabs and you give them a urine test. They take blood too. You're almost certainly absolutely fine but worth checking. It's a walk in the park compared to a smear, let alone giving birth!

Wishing you all the best to get through this horrible time.

They will be nice to you when you go for the std test. It may well be a moment of complete clarity for you, as it was for me, about my situation.

Tell them you may have been exposed by your H.

And yes, do not believe a word out of that man's mouth about money. When all the dust settles, this is where it's at. Believe nothing until it is signed and dated, about the arrangements he has committed to verbally.

His sordid life and pathetic lies may hurt you deeply what an insult to you but there's nothing you can do to stop the flow of verbal diarrhoea from him or the distress he is causing you by his accusations (). What you can do is keep a clear head and fight, and fight soon, for the money you will need to live and for your girls to maintain the life they are used to.

Hi fairy,

I am sorry to hear of you, another good woman, going through such unspeakable crap from an inadequate partner.

I have a similar tale - of unexplained leaving and constant lies with me carrying the can for why he has to leave - I have had help here and read a lot around the subject since.

This is what I think:

Your H is having an affair now. He may or may not have done so 2 years ago - it sounds made up to me - it is certainly serving to cover for what is currently happening.

I suspect he wants to drive you to have/see someone during this separation whereby he can then say "see everyone I told you so!" when, in fact, it will be him waiting for a suitable opportunity to reveal his new girlfriend.

It seems a great deal of men allow themselves this affair and talk themselves into thinking they deserve it as they have martyred themselves in a marriage with children for so long (when they see what they have signed up to relative to life before...undivided attention from spouse and spontaneity and adult holidays, a certain cool self image etc etc..) When in fact it is only as long it took them to get up the courage/invent a cover story they thought plausible.)It should be dealt with within the marriage not expressed as an affair outside. Ergo - NOT YOUR DOING - even if it was a quiet patch in your relationship. (Not saying you were btw)

What I have learned:

Giving them space (which I thought at first) and being understanding and trying to work through etc (which I also did) only made the inevitable drag out with a lot of horrid cold behaviour meted out (as my "reasonableness" got in the way of the end game of self permitting to leave).

Being sure and acting decisively and making boundaries may not make him have an epiphany - but it is the only method for gaining back something worth having (rather than more of the same postponed as another poster said)

Eventually, in fact sooner rather than later, the knowledge of the affair will liberate you emotionally in a way the crap breakup-with-no-explanation can ever do: no more tying yourself in knots about what you could have done/looked like etc

To ensure your mind and feelings are not played with during this sleep starved/emotionally vulnerable/dealing with children too time - find out what you can even if snooping is against your nature.

The information might be harder to find now but being aware of the facts and knowing, empirically and incontrovertibly not via a friend/his skewed version, will give you a hook to hold on to when you feel low/waver etc

Do not believe he is telling you the whole truth from now on. Cross check where you can. I nod again to Wwifn. He will only tell you what he thinks you can verify and no more (unless he becomes truly contrite).

Wwifn and your df has sorted the phone bill.

Do you share a laptop/computer? Do you know his passwords for email/facebook/twitter? When he comes round would he still use them...

Can you check bank statements for unusual spends? Ebay account?

Is this flat definitely vacant or is he moving in with a someone? Can you enquire indirectly ie google/find paperwork?

Does he envisage taking your dds there?

My heartfelt sorrow for your loss of a future and a past to some extent but please know there is strength and reward for you in moving on from an inadequate man which yours, from this post, is shouting from the rooftops he is.

x

I feel like shit, PIL's have finally left, taken DH with them (to go and have dinner out and talk ). DDs are devastated, talked to them more or less as said earlier but I couldn't keep it together and DH was being as cold and factual as before, I vetoed any 'we' but didn't have the heart to contradict the 'it's only for a while' undertone. They begged DH to stay the evening and me to let him, I couldn't even say anything but he said he couldn't - in some twisted way it helps he doesn't want to be here. Managed to have a bit of a chat after PIL's left, saying I know they're sad and I'm sad too etc so I don't feel too shit about ignoring them, just about the fact their lives are upside down now. They keep coming up to me and curling up for a bit of a cry, then remembering they can get away with just about anything right now and making the most of it - eating pasta and cheese and absolutely no veg in front of the telly now. Trying to keep them occupied, managed to do an online shop with their help, think we're eating pizza and ready meals for the next week.

Df has phoned a few times today but I kept saying I just want to be alone tonight, everything's going so fast. All I've done since Thurs is watch people come in and out, stare at the screen, stare at the floor or stare at the ceiling.

Thank you everyone for your posts, can honestly promise I'm reading and taking in all of them, just the replying bit is a bit overwhelming. Feel so touched you came back for this UA, hope you get enough of a break though!

Thanks for telling me what teh std tests involve, think I can manage that - really don't trust him at all now, if he'd come straight out and said he'd had an affair I might have forgiven him, I could just about have seen the possibility of moving on but this is just too much. Will try and sort the money etc asap. Will try and write more later, need to do bath and nit combing - fun.

Just checking in to say I'm here for you, got to put dc to bed but want to say hes total scum and you will not only get through this but come out the other side so much stronger and happier, trust me.

In case no one has mentioned it yet, reminds me of the song 'I need a little time' by the Beautiful South.

When hes had his shag time, he can come back to find you telling him to f off for good.

I know you live near me somewhere, make sure you get in touch if you need/want anything, please.

Christ, if you've got nit combing and nothing else you're already dealing with major trauma.

Do not worry about the dds' diet for the next week or so, some pasta and stuff will be fine. Vegetables schmegetables. It's good that he said he couldn't stay, so you weren't forced into the position of having to say so.

Take some quiet time. But don't allow his mind-fuckery to make you think this is your fault.

fairy

Why not let the girls stay in your bed tonight.

All just snuggle up, safe and sound.

You are doing just brilliantly, really sweetie, you are.

Please don't feel bad about not exposing the girls to the whole truth of the matter.

That can come in time, as you get stronger and they calm down a little.

They are as frightened as you are. As you said, their world as they knew it no longer exists.

You will grieve your life as you knew it, the one you have lost.

This does get easier. You will hurt less. You will survive and you will be a stronger person for it.

What time are your parents arriving?