In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

valiumsingleton - he talked about it so calmly and seemed to think it was a perfectly rational idea to move out and just be 'waiting' for a bit, he said we could both decide what we wanted, I'm guessing that's me to decide if I want to carry on my 'affair'

he will be telling his friends his "side" of the story which would probably be unrecognisable to anyone who knew the truth.

Maybe that's why he has had to concoct this "affair" of yours - because he doesn't want his friends to know what a prick he really is.

or maybe he has half -convinced himself you are having one just to make life easier for himself.

Either way, it doesn't stack up.

fairy

He wasn't trapped. You were by the sounds of things.

How many times a week did he go out? 2 or 3?

Who had the affair? And for how long?

Oh yes, that's right. Whilst you were raising his grils, running a home and waiting for him to come back to a cooked dinner, he was having an affair.

Stop letting him make you feel that this is all your fault.

Not one bit of this is your fault.

He wants you to be having or had an affair because it means his conscience can be cleared.

Project guilt, remember that.

Don't e-mail him or go into things infront of the girls. Make sure that you correct him if he does say 'we'. It's not fair for him to do that.

Stay as calm as you can when you talk to the girls. And I'd advise the PIL not to be in the room too. It needs to be the four of your.

No mud slinging either. This won't help. Not that I think you will. You have risen above him now..... You are stronger already.

Remember the girls love their daddy as much as you.

Keep posting as and when. I hope that they are as okay as they can be once you have spoken to them.

Be prepared for a very late night and maybe even two little visitors in your bed.

xx

There should be an MN guide with all this in, several posters on here could write one easily! Would be clueless otherwise. Feel just about able to hold it all together without having to think for myself . Have to go, PIL's are usually military style with their timings, will come back when I can.

Darling, you did NOT trap him into anything. OK, so your eldest daughter wasn't planned, that does not make it alright to sleep with someone else.

The reason he keeps saying you had an affair is to make it less about him.

Take your time telling your daughters, make sure they understand and give them plenty of chances to talk about it and ask questions. They may well be very clingy, so be prepared for them to join you in bed tonight and for them to be either anxious or overly quiet tomorrow.

It's an awful shock, but really, this guy is so deluded, he's handing YOU an out.

I think he has met somebody else, maybe nothing has happened yet, but at the very least I think he has idealised somebody and has a crush on her, and he wants to temporarily clear the deck to have a go at a new relationship. Because of his cautious nature though, he wants to have you still there waiting to fall back on, and you'll be repentant and grateful to have him back.....

No matter how clever he thinks he's being, I'm sure the truth will come out. He is so sharp he'll cut himself.

Oh FG, I'm so sorry to read this thread. You have had some great advice. I'd put money on him lying to you right now, what a cowardly weak man! Hope things go as well as they can with your DDs.

Oh, x-post mouseface.

BTW, had a little chuckle at the image of fg in the park with two grills!

Agree with VS, he is keeping his options open. If his new woman doesnt work out he will come back to you. He will lie through his back teeth about it but its so obvious, anyway the fact he admitted the other affair is enough for you to end it all now. Honestly ask your self could you ever imagine your self trusting him again. He has let you down in the most callous way and im so shocked and saddened for you but you have been strong and an insperation to others even if you feel you havnt. Take Care xxx

Oh, FG So sorry that your husband has turned out to be such a cowardly, cruel shit. He really does think he's entitled to call all the shots, doesn't he? Stay strong and DO NOT play along. If he has left, then you are now a single woman and should think of yourself as such. Look out for you and your DD's.

MrsY

I know, 'grils'.......

I get some much in my head to type that I don't check it properly before posting!

These super mature friends of his who have been supporting his delusions, are you friendly with any of their girlfriends or wives??

Fairygodmother,i havent been on mn for few years, but want to tell you to keep strong and that we are thinking of you. I have been there and i know the signs, and he is a lying, cheating bastard. He is definately still having an affair, sorry to give you negative stuff but he is, hence his need to accuse you.

I thought the pain would never go, i wanted to die it was so awful,but we go on, we get stronger, braver and better.

xx

This thread is so shocking. What an utter lowlife. There are no words for such a creep. I hope you get lots of RL support, you utterly deserve it.

Fairy, you are incredible. You may not feel like it, but you have been so strong.

Bathbuns has it right - your H is an utter creep. It may be very difficult to hear, but it is true. His behaviour is not reasonable, it is cruel beyond belief. He had an affair for 2 years and dismisses it as irrelevant?!

I said way back in this thread that I think a lot more will come out. Unfortunately I have a horrible gut feeling that you are going to find out yet more horrid stuff in the coming weeks. Bells are ringing from UA's original post from a couple of years ago tbh.

So pleased you have such excellent RL support. Mouseface, Martha et al are bloody brillant too.

That's what I thought Rindercella. The extent of his delusion and the way he has re-written history and managed to walk away with a clean conscience, demonising the person he has abandoned..... very like UA's x.

I have just read this from start to finish, he is a complete and utter shit.

He is using the whole you having an affair farce as a cover for himself, he is so bloody selfish that all he is thinking about is how to have a month of freedom by the sounds of it.

Do not let him dictate how this plays out, start calling the shots and make him realise that you are in control now.

FG, my god, I'm sorry, this is out of this world. He had an affair that went on for 2 years? I am and can't understand how this could have gone on for so long without anyone noticing. Fuck buddies, yeah great.

I'm also with the others who say he is still withholding something. Him blaming you is just a feint. It's outrageous he's suggesting you should just resort to normality in a few weeks' time.

I have logged on to see how you are doing.

FG I am so sorry. You are being bloody brilliant.

He is a total and utter wanker and he doesnt deserve you.

He probably thinks he is being the sensible one you poor hormonal girl you. He isnt, he is being a twat.

As for his friends agreeing with him - big whoop. Most blokes will just go 'yeah mate' because the want to avoid the embarresment of taking about feelings and stuff. They probably think he is a wanker too, specially if they know about his 'fling'

This will pass. You will come out of it knowing just how much you can deal with.

He will end up a sad old git in a bedsit.

Hang on sweetheart x

i know this will start to sound like4 a never ending list of things to do, but do tell the tax credit people that your 'D'H is not in the household. council tax people too, you'd be due a 25% discount. You will make the best decision that you can make for you and your lovely DDs, with the help of the good advice from MNers. All i can add is make sure you get every bit of financial help you can, obviously i'm not sure of your exact financial cuircumstances, neither would i want to be - but if you're working pt, you might be entitled to tax credits if you previously were not with the two wages. any contribution he makes would be maintenance as therefore discounted.

and i join the chorus of 'twatty mc twat', horrible, immature fucking bastard.

I would really like to help too. Mouseface has been brilliant. I am on supposedly a break from MN but have been reading this from the start and think I could offer some very harsh decent advice?

Hoorah!!!!!

You're back! Thank God.

Don't wait for a response, I think she is with the grils.....

UA - please, please help.

'grils' - AGAIN!!!!!

I shall start typing daughters.