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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In shock, just another one

636 replies

fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 14:38

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

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booyhoo · 10/07/2010 14:36

for you FG but at least know you know.

it seems as though he wanted a break from family life but wanted to be able tp pick up where he left off.

well i think you have done exactly the right thing. it will hit him soon that you are serious and not taking him back.

stay strong. you have doen incredible well.

Mouseface · 10/07/2010 14:36

fairy

I'm here, I'm holding your hand.

I just need to catch up.........

Be strong. xx

booyhoo · 10/07/2010 14:36

my spelling is dreadful.

fairygodmotherto3 · 10/07/2010 14:37

Thank you mouseface, I;m so grateful but please don't spend too long on here, feel so guilty about everyone having to be around for me.

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Dinkytinky · 10/07/2010 14:38

Oh fairy, you've done so well, he sounds like such a nasty little shit. Are you considering what he suggested? To me it sounds like he just wants to control you and tie you up in his horrible web. I can't believe he would be so cold ESP after the affair he admitted to!!!
Well done for doing so well, you were so clever to keep notes with you, and screw him for laughing at them grr!
Were all here for you anyway,
lots of love xxx

fairygodmotherto3 · 10/07/2010 14:39

Think you're right booyhoo, I like the way he didn't even suggest I should move out and be all alone and free, I wouldn't but I like the way it's something I've supposedly done but he still gets the choice.

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msboogie · 10/07/2010 14:40

I think there is more he isn't telling you.

He certainly seems to think he is going to be the one controlling things from now on. I hope you are able to take some control for yourself OP.

You care coping admirably, just keep on keeping on.

fairygodmotherto3 · 10/07/2010 14:41

dinkytinky - right now I still just want it all to go away, I know that won't happen but it's all I can think of, can't imagine divorcing but can't imagine living with him again either. Have the OW thing firmly fixated in my head now I know, can't get the image of him shagging someone else out of my head

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MrsY · 10/07/2010 14:43

Oh my love.

What a tosser he is. How dare he prevent you from talking about his affair because of irrelevance.

I'm so very very angry on your behalf. The only advice I can give you is to take a deep breath and think about what you want and need from the relationship. He's obviously had plenty of time to think, discuss the issye with his friends (cheeky fuckers) and 'time' this right, and you have had a few hours. Honestly look at yourself as well, and jot thoughts down as you have them, or you will forget!

Then, another deep breath and enjoy the lovely weather with your girls. xxx

booyhoo · 10/07/2010 14:44

if he truly thought you had had an affair he would be demanding you move, he would be demanding solicitors etc. he would not be calmy suggesting he gets a holiday flat and talking of moving back in after a while. he says he waited til it was the summer to leave for the girls' sake. sorry but any man i know would have kicked off straigt away upon finding out or even suspecting an affair. he is lying to you. he doesn't think you are cheating. this is just his cover story for copping out of the life he has created and his responsibility to you and your dds.

RunawayWife · 10/07/2010 14:44

He is a shit, clear out the bank account and file for divorce. Let him rot

mummytime · 10/07/2010 14:45

You have done well so far! Here is a hug from a stranger to keep you going.
Are your parents coming tomorrow? I hope that helps.

BTW him accusing you of an affair seems like classic Freudian transference.

Bellebelle · 10/07/2010 14:50

FG - been thinking of you all day. He sounds like a selfish, immature shit and you will have a far happier life without him. Sorry that you've got to go through so much pain just now but you will get through this and come out the other side.

Dinkytinky · 10/07/2010 14:51

I agree with msboogie- I think there's more he isn't being honest about.

I had an ex that did the same to be- accused me if cheating coldly and when we finally split I found out he had cheated alot. He also suggested time apart and starting up again so I had time to reassess what I had done wrong.bastard.

You deserve to be happy fairy, hope your dd's had a nice day with gp xxxx

fairygodmotherto3 · 10/07/2010 14:54

Not sure if I'm any further on too, still don't know what really started this, I know it sounds like a cover story but don't know if he really thinks he can 'spot the signs' or is just being a bastard. Don't know who the OW from 4 years ago is. No idea what I want!

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Mouseface · 10/07/2010 14:56

fairy

Nope, sorry...I'm her to stay for a while longer and I'm certainly not 'wasting time' on you. Shush.

Do not worry about the crying and shouting.

Hmm, a "cold" person wouldn't do that would they?

Right. An affair. Four years ago that lastest for two, assuming that he is telling you the truth.

He hasn't told you everything yet I fear, going back to damage limitation on his part, he clearly wants to keep the door ajar so is being careful not to divuldge too much.

"that's hardly relevant now"? To him? No. To you? Yes. That is the point in you trying to discuss it.

Look at your notes and mark any points you didn't get to cover. You need to keep adding things as they arrise too.

His friends agree with him? Please. How spineless. He's been discussing his woes with his mates down the pub and tells you they think he's right?

Did he not agree to have the girls? Did you not both plan you life out together? Was he never party to any decisions made?

Pha. Poor man.

He is still projecting his guilt onto you. this has built over a peroid of time but what doesn't add up for me is that it has taken him four years to decide you are having an affair.

Back to my earlier point that he has more to tell.

Of course your a mess. Your life as you knew it on Wednesday evening is no more. He left with no indication if you would ever see him again.

You didn't panic re the money, you reacted to him leaving out of the blue, with no inication of how long for, you had to provide for the girls and yourself.

You knew nothing. What does he expect?

Seperation. You said it, well done!

Now you need to take control. This won't just blow over after the summer holidays. Is he mad?

He can't just walk back into your lives whenever it suits him.

No, he can't and you mustn't let him.

So, he's packing to go where?

And then what.....how have you left things?

fairygodmotherto3 · 10/07/2010 14:58

Yes, my parents are coming tommorrow, will have to try and explain this when I can't to myself. PIL's just phoned to say they'll be back in 30 mins - dh and I agreed in the 'talk' to tell the dds he's not happy living with me and is 'having a break' but not from them and still loves them etc - no idea if that's right but can't think of any alternative, he started talking about saying 'we' and, thanks to this thread, I cut him straight off.

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Bellebelle · 10/07/2010 14:59

His story about 'spotting the signs' is utter crap, if he really thought you were having an affair he would be coming up with more concrete 'evidence' than that. It sounds as if he's just got bored with married life and rather than be an adult and work at it like most of us do he thinks he can just walk away with some flimsy theory designed to try and take the blame off him.

msboogie · 10/07/2010 15:00

yes, if he thought you were having an affair why would he suggest a break and not even ask you to finish said "affair"? Any man who thought his wife was having an affair would be demanding to knwo who the OM was.

He no more believes you are having an affair than we do.

In all likelihood, it's him who is having the affair and his idea of having a break is just his calculating, callous way of giving it a chance to work out while still keeping his options open.

I promise you OP, while it feels like a living nightmare at the moment, every second brings you closer to the time when you will be able to say you are glad that this pathetic, unfaithful excuse for a man is out of your life.

supersalstrawberry · 10/07/2010 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsY · 10/07/2010 15:07

Good point, strawberry. fg, pop to your local GUM clinic and ask for a full range of tests.

fairygodmotherto3 · 10/07/2010 15:08

thanks mouseface, and everyone. Not sure how much more we can talk about, don't want to be airing the details when dd's are here - he's suggested we email each other (after he leaves)!!! And yes, the mates I know of his would just nod 'sagely' at anything and assume he was right. He didn't purposefully agree to have dd1, she was unplanned but he agreed as much as I did, we were both taking precautions but things happen, and he agreed to dd2, even down to having her earlier rather than later to keep the age gap small. I still feel like he was trapped in some ways, he only proposed after we found out about dd1 but it was hardly my doing. He's apparently going back to hotel for next 2 nights and flat as from Monday night.

He did ask during the talk who my OM was, in between me asking if there was an OW but he gave up when I kept saying I'd tell him if I knew! That was when the 'old' affair stuff came out, so he could say he knew the signs.

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NorbertDentressangle · 10/07/2010 15:08

OMG fairygodmother -I can't believe this.

I've no real advice to add but it looks as though you've got some great support on here and in real life.

Be kind to yourself and rest-assured that theres always help and support available here on MN

valiumSingleton · 10/07/2010 15:09

I agree with the others. His story and his reaction don't stack up right.

If he really thought you were having an affair then he wouldn't have been so surprised that you had contacted a solicitor. But supposedly, he thinks you are having an affair and yet was a bit taken aback when you contacted a solicitor. That makes no sense. What does he think? That you will live in this limbo to his schedule? He's deluded. And his friends aren't helping to pierce his delusions either. They're hearing his story as he presents it, not reading between the lines at all, and they are saying what they think he wants to hear, and he is hearing what he wants to believe.

fairygodmotherto3 · 10/07/2010 15:10

Oh god, you're right about the GUM - double bastard (even after 2 dc's I have to have a valium to have a smear test because I hate it so much and he knows that, am sure he didn't think about me finding out but still!)

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