Well that's that! Really felt like you were all there, had bits of the thread in hand to refer to but still feel stunned and sick. DDs had a few mins with DH and PILs had a quiet chat (alone) with him before taking dds off. He was looking all sorry for himself.
We 'talked' - mainly talking and being quiet from him and talking, crying and shouting from me . I kept asking what the hell was going on, why he'd gone so suddenly, he kept saying he couldn't take it anymore. Kept saying there was no OW, rolled his eyes when I asked if it was an OM. Then he admitted eventually he?d had a ?thing? with another woman that started 4 years ago, went on for nearly 2 years! Basicallt whenever he could get a half day or was supposed to be going out with people I didn?t know very well he?d go and ?see? her. Ended up saying they were 'fuck buddies'. Feel like Thursday was the easy bit now, feel so wrecked. He wouldn?t even say why it ended, kept answering questions with ?that?s hardly relevant now is it? - bastard! Can?t believe I didn?t even know. And then it all came out - that?s how he KNOWS I?m having an affair, he knows the signs and I?m ?so cold? to him now and ?act so old? and ?always busy? and he ?doesn?t want to be middle aged before his time? and a couple of his friends agree with him! He was so sure of himself, thinks I?m ?a mess? because it?s all been found out not because he left with no notice!
Scoffed it off when I brought up divorce, he thinks we need time alone, him in a holiday flat so we can both talk about what we both need to change (!) and then he could move back in again - he even said he'd tried to time it so we had the summer in just over a week, wouldn't have to stress the girls at school! Seems to think this will be some nice little break so we can both 're-evaluate'. And yes he thought I'd overreacted taking cash out, phoning the solicitor etc, thinks that was 'panicky', said nothing needs to change, we have savings to cover extra costs for a couple of months and 'won't it be worth it if it helps' and 'it'll be a damn sight cheaper than bloody counselling' - so that would be a no to Relate or anything else. Then 'maybe' everything can go back to normal and if not THEN would be the time to go to a solicitor, together apparently because we're 'not one of those couples who has to fight over who gets the tv'.
So glad I had all the advice from here, even just making notes (which he laughed at) helped give me a second to breathe. It was like he'd switched off any caring part, was so abnormally cold, so factual. Told him to call it what it was - a separation and that's not what we were having because I didn't even know about it, and as far as I was concerned he'd left me and if he could find someone I'd so much as flirted with it would be a miracle. Said a lot I can hardly remember, a lot about what an uncaring shit he was and got a bit ranty about the girls and dumping me in it. Calmed down and realised I wasn't going to be able to take much more of it so quickly talked about the practical stuff, I'm having my pay and CB etc into my bank account for day to day stuff and he'll carry on with his into the joint account and pay mortgage, utilities and his stuff out of it, which was the clearest I could get to.
Have squirreled myself in dd1's room with the laptop (and my bag of documents and cash) while he packs. Don't mean to drip feed but typing as I think so may splurt out more as my brain works.