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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock, just another one

636 replies

fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 14:38

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 09/07/2010 13:20

I want to laugh at the suggestion of him being gay but wonder if anything would surprise me now - they're close but more in a 'drinking buddy' way, I have no idea how to analyse it - friend is a bit quiet and 'geeky' so isn't exactly a womaniser but has had girlfriends in the past, if that means anything.

OP posts:
drloves · 09/07/2010 13:28

my ex-h had loads of gf`s before me ...his om was married too.. . The whole thing took years for me to get my head around.
If it is the case , then take it to be 100% proof that this is nothing to do with you, you have not caused your h to leave .You have done nothing wrong.
(not that you need proof, everything is his doing).
Being prepared for anything is the best course of action.

mummytime · 09/07/2010 13:33

I wondered about gay too. Usually the wife has some hint as to who the OW is, so if there really isn't one could it be a OM?
BTW my DH has been faithful but I have always known when and who, when a woman got too close, including the one who made a pass at him and then had the cheek to come to our place for dinner.

drloves · 09/07/2010 13:49

thats the thing , i didnt have a clue when my ex-h had his affair... it lasted 3 years.The om even phoned our house and asked for ex-h! I thought he was just a mate...until he got news that i was Pg (again).Then i got letter through the door , hand delivered which threatened to "slash my face open" ,cut my hair ...and mentioned what school our oldest child was due to start , ended with "what will you do if xxxxxx (childs name) is missing when you go to pick her up? " .
needless to say police were involved , i moved to the other end of the country and then divorced my ex-h .
I honestly didnt know.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/07/2010 14:00

drloves, that is awful What kind of bastard threatens a child?! I hope you're happy now.

FG, whatever happens over the weekend, hang on to your dignity. You'll be glad of it in times to come.

Mouseface · 09/07/2010 14:08

fairy

Sorry, I had to pop out. Just read your last few posts.

You are doing brilliantly! You really are!

Great about the CAB. Do the bank when you can. Just sonner rather than later.

Crying is aloud!!! In fact, I'd worry if you didn't.

Re what he may tell the girls, don't let him this weekend. I should've clarified that. He can see them in the house. With you there. And then you can both talk to them together, when you are ready. Not him.

Arrange appropiate access and soon but this is early days. Get this weekend over with first.

Take control. You are the one in control now.

Yes, I know he's not suddenly become an axe murderer but keep the girls with you until PIL take them out, and yes, tell them to keep quiet, business as usual. That way he can't tell them lies about you can he.

Keep making lists. Keep going.

What are you doing tonight? Who will be with you latre?

drloves · 09/07/2010 14:10

Chickens , i think a very disturbed one. But tbh i dont think he actually ment what he wrote ,just wanted to scare me iykwim?.
Anyway that was 11 years ago , now have lovely truthfull,loyal DH .Best thing my ex did for me was to be a lying cheating scumbag...when i was married to him, i thought i was happy.
Now im with DH i know im happy!

Mouseface · 09/07/2010 14:12

drloves

That is truly horrific. I hope that you and your DCs are happy and safe now.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/07/2010 14:12

Bloody glad to hear it drloves!

undermyskin · 09/07/2010 14:43

FG, I think what a lot of the responses demonstrate is just how resourceful mothers are when life appears to go tits up. Some of us take a little while to pick up the pieces and lose a bit of dignity in the process; others remain dignified and proactive throughout - and I think you will be in the same league as drloves, both remarkable women.

I hope both H and PIL know that it would be very wrong to spin their story to your DDs (but I am sure there is little that would surprise you any more) and you and H have a chance to talk to the DDs together. They are a bit younger than my DD when her parents split (10); she did know her father had been having an affair (he told her), and extraordinarily was not v. interested in this fact. Key was that she needed assurance that she would still see lots of her father and declared she had no interest in taking either parents' side (and this was certainly not asked of her) as she loved us both. Not sure how typical this is.

pointissima · 09/07/2010 15:00

FG - just to say that you are being fantastic!

elportodelgato · 09/07/2010 15:06

am reading this thread today with my jaw on the floor

Fairy, you are a remarkable woman, I can't believe what he is putting you through and how much of a coward he is. You may not feel it right now but you are so so strong and you will get through this, if not for any other reason than for your wonderful DDs. My heart goes out to you, I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

There's some ace advice on here but just to second undermyskin, if you do decide to talk to your DDs, try to do it together and be as calm as you possibly can (very hard!). My parents handled their split very well indeed and we were never expected to take sides and it really was not too bad at all. Of course a lot of shit came out years later about what had really been going on, but by then we were older and could handle it better. Just a thought though, I know in your situation I'd be screaming the house down with pure rage. Good luck xxx

valiumSingleton · 09/07/2010 16:51

OMG

I wish UnlikelyAmazon were around because this is unbelievable (ending a marriage with a note coldly pushed under the door) reminds me of her story. Her xh literally had a brain transplant and sent her and her boss emails listing her flaws and demonising her! Then once he'd successfully re-written history and swallowed his own version he swanned off with a clear conscience.

Can somebody get her back for this thread?

Mouseface · 09/07/2010 16:53

Val - she's having a MN break I believe.

mathanxiety · 09/07/2010 17:11

I second the advice about the ILs -- be a bit careful. When it all boils down, blood is thicker than water. Your own parents are most likely to stick out the whole thing with you. This is just natural.

Also wondering about the possible gay aspect. This smacked me right between the eyes. I never suspected a thing. Because why would anyone.....

ALSO --
Write a memo of everything you've discussed, or keep minutes, and have him read over it and sign it and date it. Tell him at the outset that you'll be doing this and requiring his signature.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, agree to anything regarding seeing the children or money allocation or disposing of marital assets during the upcoming weekend discussion.
Tell him you will 'think about' any proposals he makes, and 'get back to him when you're ready'.
Don't let him give you an ultimatum or any timetable for deciding anything or getting back to him.
Don't let him discuss anything related to his behaviour if it starts to upset you. A full confession is fine -- accusations against you are not.
If/when he starts accusing you of anything, from not cleaning the loo properly to snoring to having an affair with the postman, cut him short and say you're 'sorry he feels that way', give him your best killer look and fold your arms over your chest, with your lips firmly shut, (and enter what he said in your minutes.)
Don't let him drag you into a defensive position and get tangled up in trying to prove to him that you're faithful or a good housekeeper or whatever. You both know the truth.
Don't accept either his brutal lies or his right to utter them out loud to you.

I vote also for no unsupervised contact between your DCs and their father this weekend. If anything is to be said to the children at this stage, the two of you need to agree on the line to take, and you get the right of veto over anything to be said, otherwise he doesn't see the DCs.

valiumSingleton · 09/07/2010 17:16

Very good advice as usual Mathanxiety

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 09/07/2010 17:17

So sorry drloves, that's horrific, and valiumsingleton - there must be some book or script some men get secretly issued, feel like I'm in deja vu from some of the MN threads I've read in the past, never understood it and definitely don't now.

Df is coming over after work to help do bedtime etc but am kicking her out then, she's supposed to be going out and I feel bad enough already about everyone else mothering me. PIL's are descending about 10 tommorrow so I need all the time alone I can get. Spoke to my mum, both of us blubbing, they wanted to come too but there's only so many I can take!

Glad to hear success stories about breaking it to dc's, even after a day of thinking about it I've still got no idea, just winging all of it - have managed to tell dds that their dad's moved out and might be coming tommorrow, that's all I know. Don't know how not to be calm at the moment, feel so tired, being angry seems too much work, keep dozing off for ten minutes, fell asleep on the floor playing with dd2 just now.

Why do I get stuck with all this work and not knowing anything - I don't even know if there's an OW or OM or anything, just wish something made sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 09/07/2010 17:20

Thank you mathanxiety - am printing this thread out every now and again, will really help tommorrow.

OP posts:
undermyskin · 09/07/2010 17:25

Cancel the PILs and have your parents instead?

Mouseface · 09/07/2010 17:28

fairy

Good idea to print out the advice. Mathanxiety is very good and talks sense.

Hopefully, you may know a little more tomorrow. If he has the balls to tell you the truth.

Agree that you shouldn't commit to any of his demands/suggestions. You are in control of you and the girls for this weekend.

You can arrange everything else as and when the time comes and when you have legal advice on board too.

Don't overload yourself with decision making.

Just get through tomorrow.

And tonight. Maybe make a list of things you want to ask him?

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 09/07/2010 17:45

May as well have PILs over tommorrow, saves trying to relay it to them, my parents may come Sunday - mop up the mess. Will make a list of things to ask, will definitely help, my memory is completely shot at the moment. DD2 has had 2 tantrums already since school, after last one DD1 told her to 'stop making so much fuss or I'll tape your mouth up', made me laugh at least, only just managed not to cry again - they're bearing up so well.

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 09/07/2010 18:15

Just read whole thread.

What a cowardly thing to do. I'm so sorry you are going through this!

I have no useful advice except to say that you should aim to conduct yourself with nothing but dignity in any communications with your H, and especially when he comes over this weekend. No begging, pleading, shouting, swearing, no tears (if possible), no threats, etc.

If I were you I would learn off by heart those three statements another poster suggested (sorry cant remember who - the one with the optional 4th that made me lol) and stick to them. They convey the exact dignified tone I would be aiming for.

Good luck. Some marvellous advice on this thread. I bloody love mumsnet.

Mouseface · 09/07/2010 18:21

fairy

Business as usual then with the DDs!!

Mouseface · 09/07/2010 18:28

fairy

Bath, dinner and feeds to sort here. I will be back later with some pointers that helped me.

And some ones I figured out after the event!

Try and eat something. And stay away from your mobile.

You really are doing brilliantly.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 09/07/2010 19:35

You are getting so much good advice and support here.

Nothing I can add that can add to it but will just keep reminding you

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT

because I know how most of us think when stuff happens. However obvious it is that its NOT there is always that nag nag nag in the back of the head.

BUT ITS NOT.

Keep your pecker up love