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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock, just another one

636 replies

fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 14:38

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 09/07/2010 11:16

Yes, got a CAB in town, will try and speak to them at some point, no idea what's happening until tommorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 09/07/2010 11:17

Thanks, I'm just on autopilot I think, feel so sick and numb.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 09/07/2010 11:20

fairy

You might need to make an appointment at CAB.

Ring them and make one ready for when you do know more.

Well done re the solicitor. Tick that off your list and go call the bank.

mumonthenet · 09/07/2010 11:21

Fairy, I'm so sorry...

What your H has done is unspeakably cruel and cowardly. I think you're doing amazingly well considering what's just happened to you.

Mouseface · 09/07/2010 11:29

fairy

I'm not saying that you will but don't ask the girls what daddy told them once he's seen them will you.

Ask him how he explained himself, if of course, he does.

Be prepared for them asking him questions...'why have you gone, don't you love mummy/us anymore, when are you coming home', etc.

This weekend is going to be very hard for you. Don't be surprised at how your emotions will play with your mind.

He's not coming back to ask for forgiveness, he's coming to talk about what has happened and most likely, what he wants.

I doubt you'll get all of the facts just yet and his story may well change again when you next speak.

Can you talk before he spends any time with the girls do you think?

gagamama · 09/07/2010 11:33

You say "he gets restless if he hasn't been to one of his friends or to the pub for 2 or 3 days", do you think there might be more to this? Does he stay late?

You're doing so well, I know it feels like the world has crumbled, but you've acheived so much in the last 24 hours.

lucky1979 · 09/07/2010 11:34

Just wanted to add another voice to say that you are coping incredibly well considering what an unmitigated twatmonkey your H has turned out to be.

Focusing on the practical will help you get through the days ahead, and longer term you need to be the one in control. He doesn't get to be the one who makes all the decisions then waltzes back at his convenience to tell you how it's going to be. Is your DF going to be there for moral support at the weekend? I'm a bit concerned that your PIL want to be in on the talks, this is something that needs to be sorted out between you, not steamrollered by him and his family. If they do come at the same time as him then hopefully they can take your DDs out while you talk - don't let yourself get stuck in a situation when you're trying to justify to three people at once why you've put being a mum first and that you're not having an affair - both things should be so obvious its ridiculous that you even have to discuss it, never mind with people wo shold be keeping their beak out of the details anyway.

dawntigga · 09/07/2010 11:36

FG huge un-mumnetty smooches to you. Write down everything you want to talk about with Twatty McTwatty as in the emotions you feel you might forget something.

You are entitled to feel however the hell you feel don't let Twatty McTwatty tell you otherwise

WouldQuiteLikeA'Chat'WithMrMcTwattyTiggaxx

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 09/07/2010 11:37

Fg Just seen this and wanted to add my voice to all the others, what a cowardly gobshite he is!

To not even talk to you about it all, just to abandon his family like that?! I'm speechless. Well, almost

You're doing incredibly well. I am so sorry you're going through this.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/07/2010 11:41

FG, you are doing brilliantly. I think talking to a solicitor is a very good idea, just to get the lay odf the land. Don't let him call all the shots. The fucker

Mouseface · 09/07/2010 11:44

Like it Tigga. I too would love to have a little 'chat' with him.

blinks · 09/07/2010 11:46

no doubt the coldness is a front for guilt.

for someone so sure about the reasons he's left, the fact that he wrote a note AND got someone else to deliver it (still can't believe he actually did that), indicates he's tooootally NOT sure. he's probably hoping you'll take responsibility for something and he'll feel better.

take no responsibility for his ridiculous behaviour. don't let him make you feel guilty when you finally speak to him.... you must feel so disappointed and let down by him. maybe your friend could help you right down some thoughts to prepare yourself for tomorrow and get things clearer in your head?

LoveBeingAsleep · 09/07/2010 11:55

FG have just read this thread and am open mouth at how calous (sp?) you dh has been.

PLease do ot feel embaressed, he is the one who should feel like that. What sort of person does this?

Just focus on one day at a time.

purpleduck · 09/07/2010 12:05

God, I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Not much to add - but don't change the locks - you can get in trouble for that.

Can you get a private investigator to follow him for a night or 2? Get proof - that way you can divorce (sorry - thats probably a shocking word to you right now) his ass for adultery.

Keep the letter - photocopy it as well and maybe give a copy to a friend - shows unreasonable behaviour.

Unbelievable what some men will do to avoid a grown up conversation. Like THIS is better than just saying "i'm unhappy, I would like to separate".

Idiot.

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 09/07/2010 12:15

Not managed to call bank yet, started crying again instead. You really should be paid professionally for all this advice mouseface! Am taking in all the advice about handling this weekend, will try to keep the PIL's out of it, they're the sort to try and be judge and jury on you're behalf but if they can look after the dd's it ties them up. Hadn't thought about him talking to the dd's alone - what if he tells them I've been having an affair or something or wants to take them out/with him?

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TigerFeet · 09/07/2010 12:21

FG, it's not often I'm moved to post on this topic but I have to say I think you are doing amazingly well and that your H is a coward and an arse.

Lots of love and luck to you x

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/07/2010 12:27

If he tells them about an affair - they're 4 and 6, it won't make a jot of difference to them. If he wants to take them out, just say no - you'll work out access arrangements properly. if he wants this ridiculous freedom thing, frankly he won't want custody of them, but if you trust him to take them to the park for an hour it's probably no harm.

BalloonSlayer · 09/07/2010 12:34

Shouldn't you talk to the children together?

I am sure I am not being much help but my blood would boil if he said "Mummy and I have decided..." - I'd just have to leap in and say "No, DADDY decided. On his OWN." But that's bad isn't it? For the DCs I mean. Oh I'd be a shite mum in this situation.

Squitten · 09/07/2010 12:41

Just found this thread and I am so for you. What kind of scumbag just walks out on his family and puts a NOTE through the door!!

I wouldn't let him take the children anywhere - HE does NOT get to dictate the terms of how this is going to go down.

You've had a lot of good advice on here and I sincerely hope that things work out for you x

AddictedtoCrunchies · 09/07/2010 12:45

I haven't anything new to add but I wanted to say that you're doing a great job and he is a twat.

I'm not far from you and am happy to come up and help you with anything you need (or batter the crap out of him).

Just say the word.

Mum72 · 09/07/2010 12:55

Am just so saddend and shocked by what he has done and how he has done this to you.

I so wish I could do more to help you.

Just to add to all the advice on here I will second - be wary with your inlaws. Sadly I know of several people who have had fab relationships with their ILs only for them to feel a bit stabbed in the back when their relationship/marriage has gone tits up. I suppose they are bound to support their son more through this and naturally be more biased towards him than you, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed they may (or may not) be about HOW he has done this.

It my be wise to explain to your ILs when they arrive what you have or have not told your DC before taking the DC out for you whilst you and your OH have your chat. This will safeguard the wrong thing being said to your girls. I am not sure if you may need to suggest somewhere for your ILS to take the children - if so try and think up some ideas beforehand- so the ILs dont come back too early (my MIL finds it extremely hard to butt out). I am just trying to help cover all senarios. Perhaps suggest a time they bring the DC back or ask them to call you first.

I would also ask your lovely friend if she is available to be called upon tomorrow should you need her support, before, during or after the event.

Also, make a list or jot down stuff you want to discuss or want answers about tomorrow incase you forget.

Finally - ring the CAB TODAY and make an appointment. They get maaxed out. Sometimes you have to wait a bit to get in. You can always cancel it if you dont need it when the time comes.

Good luck FGM.

Miggsie · 09/07/2010 12:55

FG, I hope you are feeling a little better and in any discussion with your really quite dreadfully behaved DH please do NOT accept and blame AT ALL for his crappy crappy behaviour.

If he accuses you of anything from that letter, tell him to his face that it is a lie. It's crap and a lie...over and over.

He'll get the message.

Be strong.

DutchOma · 09/07/2010 13:06

He hasn't decided he is gay, has he?

drloves · 09/07/2010 13:14

dutch ...i was just thinking that. How close is he to his "friend" who droped the letter off? .
Its not usual for a man to tell his mates he cant stand living with his wife anymore.
Id put money on his "friend" being OM.
(btw my exh did this)
FAIRY stay strong...it wont feel this bad for long.

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 09/07/2010 13:16

Have an appt with CAB a week next Tues, work Mon/Wed/Fri, usually and not sure I can get any time off. DD's are 8 and 6, bit worried he'll tell them I've 'got a boyfriend' or something if he's going to be this cold about it. Fixated on this weekend now, thanks for all the step by step advice - will find somewhere for PIL's to take dds and try and warn them not to say too much. Feels like so much to do, its partly taking my mind off and partly making me want to go into meltdown

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