In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

Good point Pigeon, and yet another good post Mousey.
I hope you get some sleep FG. Take care xx

Rinders!!

Pigeon, glad you said it, I didn't want to plant the 'he might turn up and want to take the girls to his place' seed!

Fairy, Pigeon has a very valid point. You need to clarify who picks the girls up unless you specify otherwise and in advance.

Maybe set up a code word for such circumstances, say if Gma picks them up.

You could even ask to collect the girls from their classrooms rather than the playground for the short term.

I'm sure the school will understand and co-operate.

Have just read this and can't believe what a spineless pillock this bloke is.

fg just a word of caution about involving the school in issues around collection. The school cannot refuse to allow your DCs to go with their father as has equal 'parental responsibility'. The only thing they could do is agree to call you if he turns up and try to stall him until you get there.

I have no advice other than to get some legal advice PDQ to make sure you protect yourself and your DCs.

Take care.

Holy fucking hell, fairy.

just when you think you've read it all.

A good friend of mine had her fiance, with whom she'd lived for five years, bought a house, quit her job and move interstate with, dump her by text message.

But to be married for a decade or more, with two daughters and a whole life, and to tell them it's over by letter dropped off by someone else?

Bloody, bloody hell. I'm sure he's having an affair, but it's irrelevant, really - someone who can treat you like this is the lowest of the low no matter what his reasoning, really.

So glad your friend is there, she sounds brilliant. And well done for telling the in-laws, that's fantastically well done.

Hope today isn't too horrendous.

Hope you get some answers today, FG. Don't expect too much of yourself, just get you and your girls through the day.

Hope you are ok Fairy.

I was thinking about you last night, and thinking about what I might say to your H, short and ahsrp, if I were in your position. Thought I'd share it. I'd try to distill it into three points:

• I have not, nor have I ever, been unfaithful to you. I am sickened that you have accused me of such a disgusting thing. If you continue telling lies like that about me I shall consider legal action

• If a married person is unhappy in their marriage they tell their husband or wife, so that the problems in the marriage can be addressed. I would have moved heaven and earth to make you happy, had I only known that you were unhappy.

• Getting that friend of yours to put a note through my door was the most cowardly and selfish act I have ever heard of. However, it will be useful as evidence to prove how bad your behaviour has been. I can imagine that "Unreasonable Behaviour" is usually fairly difficult to prove. But your letter will show the court exactly what sort of man you are.

Optional fourth:

• twat twat twatty twatty twat

Read this last night and just wanted to say that I am thinking of you this morning.

What a feckless fucker he is.

Just remember you have done nothing wrong. You have not split up which takes two. HE has left you and his children.

On a practical note try and drink lots of water and take some vitamins. You will be dehydrated due to crying and drinking wine.

BalloonSlayer- loving option 4
FG, nothing really to add except to say I am as shocked by your H's pathetic behaviour, and am sending you some calming vibes and a (hug). I hope your lovely DDs are getting you through this.

Hope you're feeling well this morning and that the kids are ready for school so you can have a good day to sort things out. I agree with BalloonSlayer's points (esp. the last one).

Just another thought. Your DH will be coming to see you this weekend, as will his parents. Remember, however supportive they were over the phone he is their son and you can count on them being biased towards him. Therefore, when you meet him, either insist that it's just the two of you, or ask your friend to be there too. And make sure someone (who you trust) takes the children elsewhere so they don't have to hear anything and don't see you upset.

Good luck with today. Echo the water thing, as I'm sure you've realised by now!

xx

I am so sorry to read this and utterly shocked at how you have been treated.

I too think there must be someone else involved. If he really thought you were having an affair I think there would be more anger and less passive behaviour from him. Where are his questions?????? I dont know anyone - male or female - that when confronted with infidelity or suspected infidelity have not wanted answers to endless questions - who? when? how long? etc etc.

Can I also suggest you gather together important paperwork including the childrens birth certs and passports etc and keep them in a safe place for the time being - maybe your friends or parents house. I know it sounds melodramatic and perhaps a bit OTT but your OH is not being himself at the moment and its just another safeguard for now until you know what the hell is going on with your OH.

Am thinking of you.

FG,

Am so sorry this has happened to you in such a cruel and heartless manner.

My concern is for these children now as well as you. The childrens' welfare here is of paramount importance as they will come to realise their world to date re their Mum and Dad is potentially no more.

I would seriously consider counselling for you and these children in the medium to long term. The after effects of all this could go on for years and may well colour their own relationships they form as adults. You must limit this damage to them now.

I would mention to their class teacher the circuymstances re you and your H currently. School will be sympathetic but you do need to tell them what has happened asap.

These young ladies are going to show a lot of distress in different ways over time re their Dad and could very well blame themselves for their Dad leaving.

FG

I take it as read also the children will be elsewhere when this man and his parents arrive.

Thank God for your brilliant, amazing df.

Hope you managed to get some sleep FG. Thinking of you today.

x

Am also thinking of you today fg.

I have no other advice to give but please take care. x

me too

fairy

Hopefully, you have all had some sleep.

Loopy made a good point about your PIL being biased towards their son, as I'm sure your parents are towards you.

Also, the girls will want to see daddy and that is only natural. However, this weekend may not be the best time, at least until you have had a chance to talk to him.

I think it really has to be just the two of you, as others have said.

You may have even told the girls that they can see him at the weekend to ease anxiety. Completely understandable.

Maybe someone can take them out for a while, PIL if you trust them to say nothing? But that is a decision only one you can make.

Stay strong. Stay away from your mobile please and take today one step at a time.

Go through those notes and do what ever you feel able. Be gentle on yourself.

Gathering important documents into one safe place is also a good idea, as Mum72 said.

Can your wonderful friend stay a while longer today?

Keep posting.

Ask if you have any questions or doubts about anything, however silly you may feel it is.

There are too many woman who have been where you are and can offer a wealth of experience and advice.

Take good care x

Thanks everyone, I've had the weirdest night's 'sleep' ever, even including toddler & baby stage. Am on the water, and paracetamol, df had to go to work but phoned in sick for me and briefly explained, managed to get dd's to school and told the secretary their dad had left, wasn't sure how else to put it, and get on with her, she's going to let the teachers know. Not sure he'd bother going to get the girls but am picking them up half an hour early anyway, save any hassle just in case. Thank you balloonslayer, didn't even know where to start on the weekend talk, may print that out and just read it. No idea what to do at the weekend, will have to let dd's see him, they're so confused atm. PIL's are usually ok, can be very blunt, not sure if they'll help or not. Df helped me sort out our birth certificates, passports, important bank statements etc into a bag, keeping it under my mattress, lol.

Someone said about phoning the solicitor - what do I need to do? Sounds mad but I don't know whether we're divorcing or anything right now. Thought I was quite good in a crisis but am just sat here not wanting to touch the phone, thank god for online chat.

you might well be good in a crisis but when it's your own it's very different

re the solicitor - at this stage you just need to find out what you can reasonably expect in terms of maintenence, arrangements for the home, contact for the children etc.

The solicitor can advise you on what paprwork is important, what you can do with regards to any joint savings etc as well.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, wishing you all the best. x

True SPB, it's horrible but sort of wish it was happening to someone else, I could rush round happily sorting everything out for them but don't want to be the zombie in the middle.

Whoever said about it being 'grass is greener' that rang true, we're both early 30's, only about half of our friends have kids and a lot of his still have a very active 'non-kids' social life whereas the kids slot more into mine. I still go out for dinner etc alone with friends but count once a fortnight as good-going, he gets restless if he hasn't been to one of his friends or to the pub for 2 or 3 days. It used to be something we'd both do when the dd's were pre-school, I was a SAHM and I could swop babysitting but since school started I don't feel like I've got the time but because I do most of the week-time/evening childcare he does. Spent most of the night wondering if that's all it is, he wants to waltz off and have fun. DD1 wasn't planned, have always wondered if he got 'trapped', maybe this is the answer - twat twat wat indeed!

FG you are coping in a crisis. I for one, would have went to sit in that cupboard. You're doing great.

Is your friend coming back after work?

Fairy

You ARE doing great, really you are.

The solicitor at this stage is just advice really. You can most likely find one that specialises in/deals with family law in Yellow Pages or by using the wonder that is Google.

As iotech says, it's just advice for now. All you have to do is pick up the phone and say 'my husband has left and I'm not sure what happens next'

They will take it from there and put you through to someone who does know what to do. They will ask some general questions and you can tell them as much or as little as you want.

You usually don't have to pay any money at this stage either.

CAB will be a massive help with the practical stuff too.

Do you have one near to you?

Rang a solicitor, they've given me an appt for Tues, said to ring the bank in the meantime. The cupboard is still looking tempting. Friend is popping in but is supposed to be going out with partner so said she mustn't stay, finding it hard to face anyone anyway. Then part of me is itching to drive to his work and talk about it all now.

Hi Fairygodmother,
just wanted to say i think you are being very strong through all this and i hope things get easier for you soon.hugs to you and your children xxx

I am so sorry your world has been turned on its head and you have been treated so brutally, particularly when your H knows you are the one responsible for two young DD.

I am in awe of your dignity and practicality in the face of all of this (and wish I could have mustered half the self-control you are showing in similar but much less brutal circumstances). Though none of these twats deserve it, the one thing of which I am proud is that I never obstructed, and usually facilitated, contact between DD and her father. I think it is good that your DDs see DH this weekend.

Today will pass, as will the weekend.