ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Happy, can't believe you found a pic of ow . Hope you're ok.

Waves to all......

Had friends over so just catching up on thread before going to bed. Floors have been washed several times but olive oil remains! Worse it has now been spread all over house & you can even see greasy footprints from house door to car on driveway tiles!! There is also grubby hand prints all over my windows again (have a lot of windows!). Am thinking of throwing in the towel on operation house, was nice while it lasted .

Think I may have had a bit of the stockholm syndrome going on at some stage .

Tough, glad you're feeling so positive today. Will have to check out your songs tomorrow.

I suspect if you google it they'll be an answer on olive oil but if it was me, I'd try wiping majority up with kitchen towel and then use fairy liquid to get rid of the rest of greasiness, but not too much as it goes far then rinse off with warm water. For windows washing up bowl and hot water with fairy liquid and then dry windows with kitchen towel. Can you see a pattern emerging? Bet flylady would have a better idea than me.

Hope today you can remove the rest of it. I'm actually glad I live in a 2 bed flat, as no matter where I am, I know what they're up to, as it's all on one floor, I can hear them. But luckily they're both still small so the mischief wouldn't involve olive oil.... yet

Tougher, thank you so much for the tune, I love that one

Starting, Zumba is a salsa style exercise class, friends of mine have tried it and say it's great fun, so thought I would give it a go.

Happy, sorry you found photo, I did same, OW and exh looking very lovey dovey together, made my blood boil, them broadcasting their deceitful relationship for the world, and my Dc, to see. Very smug they looked too.

morning everyone.

felt quite resigned to the whole situation then saw h briefly last night and i got a bit upset again.

guess it is all starting to sink in. leaes you feeling kind of flat doesn't it?

Tough - I hae a set repetoire of bad things he has done/said that I repeat to myself when i start thinking that i want him back. I can't bring myself to call him a bastad ... yet.

my subconcious must be processing all this as wierd rando memories form our marriage keep popping into my head at bizarre moments.

happy - can't believe you found a pic.

regarding all this talk of dating sites etc. the thought of being with someone else truly terrifies me. i hoping this will change with time ??????

pink - i think i am going through similar to how you felt as i do still love h - i am however really questioning if i could ever have him back after all this. (not that I think he wll come back mind you).

have a good day all.

Armbow, I still love my exh very much always will, we had been together for 26 years. I know he won't come back to me but even if he tried I would refuse now, but it has taken a longtime to realise this.

I have started dating again, not many as I am too fussy, I am thinking of no one but myself this time. I have spent so many years putting a man first, it's time to stop.

Good luck, have a great day.

I'm not ready for anyone else yet Armbow, sometimes I think about it but then think ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Sounds like you're starting to process things little by little in your mind, with regards to the thoughts. I took me a few months to start to click everything into place and start to realise many many things

I'm sorry you feel flat, my answer was to try and keep busy, see friends etc. Probably not the best answer though.

AB and tea -yes this processing thing is important -getting it all through and out of your system!

Happy and Party - urghhhh - sorry you found photos. My friend phoned me to tell me about a photo of H and OW on internet in a group -beside each other looking happy. Horrible at the time.

Ohh - need to do lunch -back later!

Hi all

Party that must be hard feeling so much for exh , I know when the time comes to think about someone new I shall heed this advice

I would only have a man in my life again if he was in some way enhancing it

As you say I have spent 25 years (went from previous bf straight to exh) in a relationship and putting someone else first . No more. Apart from anything else having to move and get a job and then hopefully a career is far more important and there isnt room for anyone no matter how ok they might be.

Armbow you are in the thick of the split from exh yet keeping it together unfortunately it is such a rollercoaster. If you are anything like me you can take solace from how the dumplings have moved on and although we are all at different stages the message is you will be ok just keep getting as much support from here and RL as you can - dont just use subconscious mind to thrash it all out talk to people too .

Happy what a shock seeing pics ow known to me for a number of years so cant imagine that I imagine it hit hard.

Well Dumplings I have woken up after 6 days of deep anxiety re exh financial threats last week and someone planted some much needed backbone in me overnight. I dont know the ins and outs of it but I have made up my mind that he isnt going to push his idea of a fair settlement on me and I shall contact my solicitor again and check if any of his threats hold water and go from there.

I still am not in the "take him to the cleaners " mindset but I do think I should fight my corner and not cave in to the desire to just get it over with as quickly as possible and settle for less than whats fair to avoid conflict. He is accustomed to simply telling me how it is and either immediately or quickly getting my total compliance. I imagine thats why he went into one last week when I said hang on a minute rather than ok whatever you say

Any dumpling advice on this general area would be much appreciated although I know everyone situations are different

One nice thing got some new specs today and they look great , I have milk bottle effect problem but technology is sooo good now my eyes almost look the same behind the lens.

Anyway must go but have to tell you went on the bum sex thread last night (never my thing didnt stop exh asking!)and was roaring with laughter so if you fancy a giggle... especially comments from a MNer called Expatinscotland I think

Afternoon all..........

Tea, thanks for the advice. I did actually first tackle it with kitchen paper & then tried kitchen paper with a bit of vinegar, followed by hot water & washing up liquid. Haven't worked up the energy to go back over it all again, will need several more washes I think & is now trailed upstairs & all over house . I use windolene & one of the ecloths for the windows which is fab, it's just a bit demoralising to find grubby hand prints again a few hrs later.

Party, zumba sound fab will prob eventually reach my neck of the woods.

So sorry for all the dumplings who've had to deal with pics of ow's on net etc. V v

Getting my dd has same prob re specs but likewise I've always gone the route of getting the most advanced lens & her glasses look fab. She's due to get her perscription checked & new specs now so note to self get arse in gear!

Am kind of hiding from the world today. House is like a tip & dc's are happily on rampage. It's raining here so miserable day. I'm just about to put youngest dc's in bath together to keep them confined long enough to give a quick blitz if I can muster the energy.

afternoon all.

feeling of resignation to the situation now seems to have evolved into more of an understanding of the mine and h's relationship.

he is still giving me space as i requested but we are meetng tomorrow night to go over a few things about the kids. i am nervous about this as i am worried it will set me back but i guess i have to face him sometimes.

mum and getting - yes, i know myself quite well and find i deal with things better if i give myself time and spcae to think about stuff and allow my brain to process the info. I feel as though I am about 60 % there to actually recognising what has happened and then I can get on with getting over it !
i have done that much thinking today that i have gien myself a headache. what dissapoints me so much is that h did not see our family was worth a fight for. he said even when we were seeing counsellor that he never really gave us 100 % as his "heart was not in it". (charming)

i know this sounds really melodramatic
but i am one of those people that once a door is closed on a friend it stays closed, i have a reluctance to fully close the door on h because i will have to see him each for the kids etc.

Party - looked up zumba and there is a class within walking distance of the house - might give it a go.

starting - if your floors are real wood like mine then if you really can't get the stains out try sanding them down ever so slightly to get the mark out and then revarnish over the top / or re-oil (whatever floor treatment you use). I also find some of that flash spray with bleach works well on stuff like this.

just about feel up to discussing it with friends and am seeing a couple of them later on which is nice.

what was about 4 hours of feeling quite good has ended suddenly with a sudden onset of tears - wtf?? i thought i was doing quite well today then boom ! crying again. think i am very tired which is not helping and inspite of his faults i am actually missing h being around...

went upstairs to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom as i thought that may help but it just made it worse. (memories of going into labour with both kids etc) this house has faaaaaaaaaaaaarrr too many memories i need to move i think.

Armbow it's all completely normal hon. Sending you a ((hug)) and a slice of virtual banana cake freshly made by me. Would you like a cup of tea too?

I still vote on a total revamp of bedroom. Walls, curtains, bed sheets the lot. But when you're ready You'll probably have to wait on selling the house until things are agreed and set out in the divorce, otherwise it could turn messy if you do it too soon.

Hope you have a nice evening with your friends. Got the wine ready?

can't move anyway tea.

just had a brief chat with a mortgage advisor who told me that i won't be able to get a sufficient mortgage based on my income, so i am f*cked. pardon my french but it pisses me off so much that i am going to come out of this worse off when i have done f all worng (sure i am preaching to the converted here though!!!)

i think h wants his capital out of the house because "he wants a deposit for a new house"

I think things won't be as simple as your H thinks property wise. Speak to citizens advice again, as you won't be able to remortgage where you are on your sole income either, to release equity for him

But I live in a lovely large 2 bed flat built in the 1940's and it's gorgeous. There will be lovely things out there for you if this place does need to be sold. Speak to citizens advice if worried, worse case scenario you may need council housing but there is some very nice houses out there.

Big hugs AB....hope you have a nice time tonite x

i went to see lawyer for the first time today and feeling quite overwhelmed tbh.Would never have thought in a million years i would be asking my X for a divorce ,I truly thought we were til death do us part , even last week I still believed we would make it.Thing I have to keep reminding myself is it is inevitable with his unreasonable behaviour and I have to create stability for me and my dcs.

Re my post last nite I think what I have done now is I have a list in my head of the most awful bits that probably runs from A-Z.I think it starts with,
A, walking out on your family and ends with
Z, uncontrollable liar so that he can do what he wants when he wants

I think i shorten that in my head to "Total Bastard"its like a bucket of cold water getting thrown over me ,when i start to think i should give him another chance or make another excuse for his behaviour.

I cannot trust myself to stay strong in his presence when he is being amicable ,nice bloke,charmer .so i have to protect myself and my 2 word summary of events ,helps me.

I will always love him,even when i cut the cord ,it just might take him 20 years to catch up re responsibility and maturity,he may choose never to get there ,so for my emotional stability and inner peace i have to let him go.But there is not bitterness,no resentment just a practical solution to his behaviour.

No tears at the lawyers ,no tension,no anxiety ,just taking the necessary first steps to my new life .It has taken 6mths separation to get this far emotionally and to see the real picture.

Help Dumplings, need a virtual slap or a bucket of cold water thrown this direction v fast. Was out tonight & bumped into MD. I know he's completely unsuitable & it's only because I'm so gagging for sex but the sexual sparks were flying. He's text me 3 times since I got home (past half hr) & last one mentioned I still had a sexy a**! Somebody please tell me not to go there again............

Another text, I'm doomed, I've no will power after years of no sex........

enjoy the attention startin 'but if it was truly awful then.........
SPLASH!!!

Tough, when you start to make it formal by going the legal route it brings up a lot of emotional stuff. Makes it all feel more real & brings a lot of sadness, never mind insecurity etc. I would have also always thought that xh & I would be till death do us part. Tbh I know I'm trying to move forward & all but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really get over xh or what he did . I really really loved him & think I only really realised how much when the marriage ended.

Armbow, the financial stuff is brutal & is indeed like a double blow . All you can do is get good legal advice & get the best possible outcome for you & dc's

Another text...........

throws water at startin'

Know i have to do it to move on but still have very strong connection with H.

WTF am i going to do ,i need respect and stability in my life .

Tough pain has no memory, that is why woman go on to have 2nd babies ..........

It wasn't really awful more he was in love after 2 mins where as I was only looking for physical release . He also turned out to have a tattoo of his mother on his shoulder . I have actually gone red with embarrassment typing that again . He also had an irritating habit of saying "this is nice" all the time................

Oh ffs another text, how many's that?????

SPLASH!
[throws bucket of cold water over herself]

PMSL at tough throwing water over self .

On a more serious note you will prob have that connection to h for a v long time. I also really do think pain has no memory, if my xh had made any real attempt to sort things out (back in the day before he crossed many lines), I'd have got back on merry-go-round in a heartbeat.........

Despite everything he's done I still love & miss him BUT the reality is the person I love & miss is not there anymore, he died a long time ago & it's a stranger inhabits his body now...........

Will all take another 6 mths anyway so one day at a time...

Baby annabelle got new batteries today and the first thing she said was"Da Da da da da daaaaa"

Tough, stuff like that with dc's can cut you like a knife