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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

1000 replies

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 02/07/2010 01:12

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 06/07/2010 23:52

Tee hee hee startin I remember that tattoo thing now..see earlier posting as to where I am at re men.

Tougher as already said starting to formalise things is vile and dredges up emotions although in my case they were already on the surface in any case. Its the reality of it all and having all those dreams, all that love , the way you've put so much of yourself into dcs and marriage and suddenly the whole thing is condensed down into a set of chronological facts and legalese

I went to solicitor a couple of months after split to get an overview and found it very upsetting however when I am in touch again in next few days over last weeks stuff I think I will feel more pragmatic and detached. Whilst its not nice my exhs tacit bullying and control techniques have refreshed my memory as to why he isnt such a loss as in less extreme forms this was how he operared in our marriage.

Armbow if you arent ready to deal with finances quite yet then tell your H to fuck off and have a heart. Perhaps he could wait a couple of weeks at least before putting on this pressure while you are still reeling from everything

startingovernow · 06/07/2010 23:59

Getting, just love the expression "then tell your H to fuck off and have a heart". Unfortunately I think if they had one of those we wouldn't be where we are............

Another 5 texts & have now thrown the bucket of cold water...........

startingovernow · 07/07/2010 00:02

Btw 52 people have viewed me so far & can't remember exact number but think it was only 8 winks!! Defo not for the faint hearted or those with a weak constitution.........

Couldn't even muster the enthuasism to wink back...........

Will have a bad night one of these nights & will go cyber stalking all those who passed me by...........

armbow · 07/07/2010 00:04

Hellooooo

Enjoy the attention Starting. (I got a bit of male attention the other day but it creeped me out ) Do what makes you happy.

Tough - hang on in there - put yourself first.

friend has gone now (no wine tonight!!) i am even more confused now as she is our mutual friend and she was like WTF !!! She thought we were the perfect couple WAIL !!!!

We both decided that he needs to grow a pair.

startingovernow · 07/07/2010 00:06

Armbow, sorry to hear friend's visit has made you more confused. Unfortunately, your h may not be capable of growing a pair........ Sending you virtual hugs (())

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 00:07

I think its just the feeling of drawing a line under it all is good .....but i dont want to split up with my H But i know it isnt a positive thing for me and therefore dcs to be with a man that disrespects me and is in denial about his behaviour.

startingovernow · 07/07/2010 00:08

Tough, I was in the same boat. Sending you virtual hugs too (()). This too shall pass........

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 00:12

Hope it was still nice to see your friend AB

can i ask what everyone considers average reasonable access .I just want kids to have more of a routine .

Startin' you are excused from that question......

startingovernow · 07/07/2010 00:18

Tough. Despite being excused from question, In an ideal world I'd have liked xh to have dc's one afternoon mid-week & one full day at weekend. I think when dc's are young shorter visits more frequently are best but that's only my opinion & I know others who jump straight in with weekends etc. I guess at the end of the day you know what would work best & be most suitable for your own situation. What is your h looking for?? I guess try to work from that & what you think yourself. It won't be set in stone so you can always change it later if it's not working out.

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 00:29

I thought start with a Sunday then work up to a mid week evening,"I actually thought i had typed what do other dumplings do ATM?" then i must have thought that was too intrusive so changed it so of course your opinion is welcome Startin'thanks for that,until he gets suitable living organised ,overnite isnt an option.

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 00:43

my wish is for regular visits with me and H remaining amicable throughout our kids lives x

partytime · 07/07/2010 07:36

Getting and others dealing with financials, good luck.

My exh has just cancelled our collaborative meeting for the third time. I first appointed my representation in December, he got his in June!!!

He has dragged his feet, for no apparent reason, or his head is still firmly wedged in the sand about the situ.

I am quite upset as I see this as a lack of respect for me and DC and our future. He is still claiming that he will do the right thing??? WHo knows though, as the longer this goes on the more influence his GF will have.
At least when I speak with him on the phone now I can be civil, a huge progression from a few months ago.

The main change was my asking him to leave me alone, no contact at all, I haven't seen or spoken to him for 2 months. He was calling me regularly to 'see how I was' or popping in when collecting DC. No more, what a relief in some ways, it was too painful to see/speak with him.

The moment that made me decide that I no longer wanted contact was when he told me how difficult he found it to deal with me and what he had done to me. WTF!! I told him to 'fuck off and get out of my kitchen'.

Hard for him, bastard!

Tougher, maybe one day we will be amicable, like I said before I do love him, he has always been my best friend. You can't switch those feelings off, no matter how hard you try.

Starting, I was getting views and winks in great numbers, all from weird looking or old men, a few better ones though, who if you winked back never replied again. However, I have been on one date and am seeing him again. BTW I have since decided it isn't for me and removed my profile for now. Hope you enjoy yourself looking.

armbow · 07/07/2010 10:07

my parents are taking the kids out for the day today to give me some child free time.

tough re access h and i are doing 1 weekday evening and 1 weekend day.

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 19:31

Good luck tonite AB

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 07/07/2010 21:14

Evening everyone - the thread is crazy nowadays, hard for me to keep up

When I was young, you could start a thread and ooo it would last for ages. Nowadays things is different. You have to create new ones all the time with this chat.

Armbow, hope things have gone ok tonight.

OP posts:
TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 21:45

Aye Feb 2010 even with my slow typing i could keep up

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 21:58

Trying to keep myself busy today with career plans and such to keep me motivated.
House might be a blessing in disguise so sent for more forms today.
Party my X will always manage to turn this around so he is the victim.I too have set firm boundaries ,havent spoken to him at all since sat and no longer want him in the house, just let dcs chat on the phone,but his negativity will surely pull me down.Read ABs other post today and it helped me lots.Its just the realisation that he truly has chosen to leave me and dcs and its been over 6 mths and he isnt coming back.I am glad i didnt beg him but i am sad that i believed his words for so long.There was one weekend in particular that he was so kind to me ,made such an effort to put my mind at rest but my gut was shouting at me something was wrong he lied when i was genuinely stressed out by what i thought was my paranoia,that was the worst gaslighting bit for me but he carried the same lie on and on and on each time preying on my vulnerability,this is so sad for me to write this down because i know now there is no going back,he might say that he loves me but it is a warped kind of love.

New house
New job
New life x

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 07/07/2010 22:02

Tough, but you sound like you have truly taken charge which is a good thing

Makes me so when they position themselves as poor victims.

Wishing you lots of serenity.

OP posts:
TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 22:05

Oh forgot to say to Party i think that is totally dispicable that your X has postponed your meeting again ,they all have a box they can put this stuff in lock it up and have no emotions regarding it,until one day they have a wobbily and come back to US and tell US they are feeling a bit sad about it all.

Also is anyone going to take their maiden name again and are you all goin to stay "Mrs"
cos im not i think im a bit old to be a miss so i guess it will have to be ms just want to wash myself clean of it and move on .
indulging myself with more crystal websites not done that for ages take care everyone x

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 22:10

Thanks Happy just think apart from the paperwork I have past the finish line re my marriage so i better get on with my life,everything was so amicable before last weekend i just hope after this sunday dcs will have a new routine to start to adapt to.I just want them to be settled in their wee lives .

Hope your day was ok and you found some peace x

Mumfun · 07/07/2010 22:18

New house
New job
New life x
Love it Tough -in control

Starting - you're keeping us guessing We're not made of stone!

Party - urghhh re H dragging his feet. So much better if you could bring it to a close. But yay to No contact -it is the way of healing.

AB - hope you're ok tonight!

Hi to all other dumplings - hope we're doing lots of kind things for ourselves - inportant to love ourselves!

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 22:20

RE takin charge Happy thankyou so much for reminding me that i have

The ninja suffragette cannot be repressed i have tried and failed on many attempts ROFL

In the end everyone deserves to have respect in their own home and to feel safe x

We are REAL women not STEPFORD WIVES

Anymore texts Startin'?

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 22:29

RE takin charge Happy thankyou so much for reminding me that i have

The ninja suffragette cannot be repressed i have tried and failed on many attempts ROFL

In the end everyone deserves to have respect in their own home and to feel safe x

We are REAL women not STEPFORD WIVES

Anymore texts Startin'

TougherThanTough · 07/07/2010 22:31

Thanks mumfun hope life is treating you well
{laptop getting twitchy again }

armbow · 07/07/2010 22:36

hello everyone
on a high tonight, i had an awful morning - you probably saw my other post i really hit rock bottom. was considering writing a letter in a bid to convince him to come home.

went out this afternoon and got my hair done and went to our meeting. on seing him he looked so different (probably seeing him for what he really is for the first time in ages and not what i wanted to see)

i don't know what happended but i gained control from somewhere and i told him i was done with it all and had moved on. i explained that the space over the past few days had given me perspective and clarity. he did not say much. i hope this feeling lasts a while longer i feel so relieved.

going to read eeryone elses news on the thread and catch up
xxxxxx

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