Waves to everyone,
No probs AB and i will try and explain how i went from divorce pending to reconcilliation[btw some bloke viewing the cottage just now told me to get off my laptop and do the dishes i just laffed in his face ]
Anyway just to say i was dealing with selfish immature H with drink problems who had managed to see the world as some kind of pre 1950's male entitlement/supremecy bollocks since we had kids .I suffered from losing my independence financially etc and he basically started going to the pub most nights and when he got home detatched from me at night and we werent a couple.I basically told him this wasnt a life for me and he was losing his family.He would just tell me if i didnt like it then to feck off.
Basically in Nov i found some stuff out that made me realise he had been lying to me and living a double life ,he just wasnt happy with his life with me.We just fought thru nov dec he didnt really live here by then but split for good boxing day.Then he went on self indulgent benders still paid our bills but really hit the bottle.At this point i didnt know where he was,didnt answer calls ,texts etc just drank .We had been together 15yrs.I was in shock couldnt believe my H could be so selfish not see his kids etc.Anyway basically by easter he arrived back wanting to make a go of things but by then i was well on my recovery road .Recovering from his abusive behaviour and from all the other people in my life that had led to me accepting abusive behaviour.I have read loads about following patterns imprinted by our parents or carers,i have read loads on co-dependence,i have read about positivity and posted about letting your inner voice stay positive,i have felt empowerment i never knew i possessed,i learnt about boundaries,i studied forgiveness,i found that inner peace and serenity are great gifts to possess and i will always be my priority.
So easter reconcilliation lasted about 24hrs.I am now zero tolerance to any aggression in my home ,anyone swearing at me basically i have chosen to break the cycle of dysfunction .{i agree btw re judgement ,people will never know the path we walked to get here but as startin says most women will try anything to keep a family together and apart from this website there isnt alot out there to guide us IMO i think after a while it also becomes normal ,you seem to cope and keep getting on with life also people can say i would NEVER put up with that ,how do they know ...have they ever been put in the position ?]I learnt alot from alanon about my rights as a human being .Being away from H gave me a peace i had never had it gave me room to breathe and a time for self discovery .Indeed this time was a gift.He continued lying ,drinking and being an inconsiderate arse,we did counselling he lied thru that.eventually i just instinctively knew he was holding something back and finally i found out that he had been living next to the pub since xmas and not infact sorting himself out like he had been telling me ,so at least i knew my instincts were good.At that point i had had enough could no longer live on this merry go round needed to get off so booked an appointment with sol.I didnt particularly want to divorce him ,although he gave me more pain than anyone else in my life i still loved him unconditionally,but i knew i needed out for my sanity ,my self esteem and my dcs stability.I walked out the sols office a single woman ,knowing i needed to find a home and a new job but i had regained control of my life and it felt good.
Blanked H completely for a week no phonecalls no texts nothing.Who the fuck did he think he was FFS!He was always my kryptonite always the charmer the manipulator not anymore.A fortnight passed,he took the kids out on the Sunday he didnt come into the house,he was civilised not smug but i couldnt even look at him ,sols letter drafted,i told everyone i had had enough and was getting a divorce i guess just saying it out loud made it real,told about ten friends that didnt even know we had split.he asked me if i wanted a divorce i said no but i had to protect myself and dcs from his behaviour ,told him i wasnt his wife.Basically last Saturday he phoned up and apologised for his behaviour,told me he accepted responsibility for his actions and wanted his family back.As you can imagine i have gone thru every emotion since nov 2010 but he has never spoken with respect in his voice before ,so that is why he got a chance.Maybe he just needed to get it all out of his system who knows i cant think for him and tbh because i am still detatched from this emotionally i dont care how the H i knew b4 has reappeared but for the first time EVER he is listening to me.For the first time EVER i respect myself but that can still improve ,my self confidence is still growing my boundaries re unacceptable behaviour are strong and i have a worse case scenario of what...he leaves me ...well i know now i can cope with that and he knows that too .
Do i trust him ...no
Will i grow to trust him ...maybe
Do i want us to be a family...always did
Do i love him ...not in the way i did ,this will grow if i trust and respect him but will take time,
Will i ever go back to the life i knew b4 ...NO!
The opposite of ABUSE is RESPECT
If i am respected by my husband i will stay with my husband and i will be content.
Any unacceptable behaviour emotional or otherwisw will lead to my unhappiness ,i no longer will accept this.
Hope that answers ur question ab ask away for anything else,i feel stronger and more in control than b4 i am my own person living my own life i dont look to him for anything or feel inferior to him. I feel like this is my 2nd marriage the one for my 40's.
Learned how to forgive the bad bits but he has to be patient not cross if i have a wobble re phones ,memories etc.All been spoken about.He doesnt go to the pub anymore .
He basically isnt coming the c**t anymore and he knows if he does its not going to last cos i wont accept it anymore.
I told him his happiness is his responsibility and as he has found out it doesnt come from a can .He has to do the things that make him happy thats his job not mine and vice versa .
I will work away at my new career opportunity and find joy and contentment there too.just no longer need a man to validate me ,so i know im not doing this because i need to ,only because i want to and i have seen enough change in my H s behaviour to put the divorce on hold.But i reckon it will take at least 9 mths to get back on track but it is nice having my friend home ,we just need to get to know each other again x