ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Urghhh what a horrible night finally got to sleep about 2.30 and I am a bit knackered today..

Hope you are ok getting.

Going to do dome cleaning this morning

We should make this our anthem
www.myspace.com/scarlettefevermusic It's called Cheatin' Man and I want it as a ring tone to warn me not to fall for any of his smarmy charm!

Armbow.

Well I went to bed far too late after a conversation with H, we were actually talking about his parents (something we do agree on) as they're both coming to see the DCs on Saturday. They chose to sell the house down near me and move 9 hrs drive away to Scotland but ever since they did that, whenever they come to see me, they go on and on about how I should come to stay with them in Scotland, that it'll all be lovely etc. 9 hrs drive with 2 DCs on my own??? Are they kidding me? Maybe if they were age 5 and 6 or something it would be ok, with an in car DVD player and Nintendo DS but at 18 months and 2.11 yrs it would be hell and the amount I'd have to pack would be crazy.

The truth is I really resent the fact they chose to move so far away and then keep guilt tripping me whenever they see me to get me to go and stay It was their choice to move, not mine. It's far easier for them to pack a small bag and drive down, than it is for me to to struggle up there. Not to mention the fact they're son has left me for another woman.

They then suggest I fly. I'd need a serious extra baggage allowance for travel cots, buggies, toys for whilst away, car seats for when they pick me up at the other end etc etc.

I prefer to see H's mum in short doses as she's pretty intense and opinionated, so the thought of spending 7 days with her anyway fills me with dread! LOL I wouldn't even stay with my own mum and dad for 7 days

You get the picture! My H also finds it difficult that they've chosen to move up there and then keep guilt tripping him to visit all the time too. I think if I found his mum easier then I may think the struggle to get up there, frequent stops and even a stay in a B&B over night half way would all be ok, but I know if I did stay with them both I wouldn't enjoy it

Hi KandR I am DJHappy so will review that one.
Tea I know many have had issues with PILs so you're not alone there. I like mine although they too are far away and I hope that we don't fall out as Bald Eagle progresses with his twunticity.

Sorry so many of us are feeling angry and let down at the moment. Must be something in the water. XP messed up big time yesterday. He still says he wants me back but actions speak louder than words and I see no positive action at all. I spent the night with him last night after giving him yet another bollocking. I can't bring myself to say what he did to warrant my wrath, it's so shameful. Anyway, as soon as he was asleep I got up and went into the spare room because I've actually got quite used to sleeping on my own and I felt absolutely no desire to be anywhere near him. I didn't feel close to him at all. I felt like I was in bed with a one night stand. I think I'm actually falling out of love. Heres hoping!

I'd love to come to a meet up. I can't do w/e 18/19 Sept unless you'd all like to come to Manhattan with me but I'll do my best to fit in with anything else you arrange. I live in Brum so easy to get pretty much anywhere and childcare is no problem thanks to my fabulous older kids.

lc - sounds like it is getting complicated for you.

i found this before not sure if anyone can get any help from it but thought i would post it here.

it is from recentlyseparated.co.uk

10 step plan to move on after separation.

1. Give yourself time to grieve

Whether you finished your relationship or your partner did, you will be left with a sense of loss for all your hopes you had for the future or your relationship. Give yourself time to get this out of your system

1. Indulge yourself

If want to stay in bed all day or feel like eating a whole tub of ice cream, then do so. If you force yourself to move on before you are ready then you are much more likely to sink back into a depression.

1. Work through your emotions

You are likely to experience a whole range of emotions from loss to loneliness, anger, fear and sadness. You need to work through these emotions before you can be ready to move on.

1. Cut contact with your Ex

Wipe his number off your phone, stop hanging in places he might go and stop any contact with him. Now you have worked through your emotions there is no point taking a step backwards by seeing your ex again. It is onwards and upwards.

1. Spend time on your own

When you have been part of a couple it can feel scary to spend time on your own. Get used to enjoying your own company and rediscovering yourself.

1. Build your confidence

It is easy to take a confidence knock when you come out of a relationship so now is the time to build it back up. Whether you want to lose weight, learn a new skill or overhaul your wardrobe, get started!

1. Have some fun

Enough moping ? it?s time to get out and have some fun. Call your friends, get dressed up and go out and dance the night away.

1. Challenge yourself

Now you are beginning to move on with your life it is time to challenge yourself. Think of something you always wanted to do when you were in a relationship but never could. Or choose something you?ve always dreamed of and push yourself to do it.

1. Meet new people

Now you are feeling more confident it is time to get out and meet some new people. Join a club, start a class or get friends to introduce you to new people. Don?t focus all your attention on meeting a new man, but widen your social circle so you naturally are introduced to more.

10. Focus on the future Now is the time to look towards the future, not the past. Decide what you want out of life and focus on getting it. Set yourself goals and start making steps towards achieving them and building the life that you want.

Take your time, indulge your emotions and make sure you are ready to move on. Once you have made that first step start focusing on the future and what you want out of your life rather than looking backwards.

We all seem to be going through lack of sleep stage atm . Tbh mine is more due to insomnia that started during last two pg's & then yrs of waking every 2/3 hrs b'feeding! Thought I'd broke the habit but seems to have come back atm, will need to get back to lavender baths & meditation again.

Tea, my younger two dc's were the exact same ages as your two when I first separated & I know how hard it can be. Travelling with them at that age can indeed be a nightmare!

Lc if he's done something you're ashamed to say well then it doesn't sound good at all at all!

I'm on a mission today to get house back on track & to get grass cut if rain stays stopped long enough!

i need to vent a little bit. three months ago my partner and father of my two girls walked out saying he needed space. he then promptly went and got himself a flat. i vented it all on here under a different name. he tracked it all down and threw it in my face. some of you may remember me.

i am just at breaking point at the moment. every time, i think i am ok. something else comes along and kicks me in the gut. do you know what it is today? i had to get a new phone an iphone and i have no idea how to work it and i have no one to help me. its pathetic i know, but right now its all i can do not to lie on the floor and sob my bloody heart out. sorry.

beebers,

how awful that he found your most personal rants on here - this is a fear of mine i have to admit.

it is the little things that shock,,, i think it is because we spend so much time processing the big things like the kids, house, finances, that what something seemingly insignificant comes along and triggers an emotion or feeling that we have not fully processed it hits us right between the eyes.

i know a little about iphones, ask away if you want.

i don't know how to set it up? someone was going on about i tunes or something.

Beebers, I agree it's the little things that ofter push us over the edge. Sounds horrible that your h found your posts. As a practical step can you go back to the shop where you bought the phone & get them to run through it with you. Otherwise perhaps you have a rl friend that can help you? Hang in there, it does get easier.

Congrats to LC on your good news.
Minor hiccup yesterday but I am sticking to my plans ....empowerment ,boundaries and renewed self belief are the only way to go.So although we had a blip i am not enabling or fixing he has to become responsibly independent and today he sorted some things out and it wasnt as bad as he thought.Basically i am no longer his fixer,his mother or his PA ,im just this fucking amazing bird that he has a chance to be with LOL!

Top tip

Protect yourselves from Xs painful behaviour and your dcs will be fine.
Mumfun when I stopped H seeing kids in the house or any other self preservation situation i had to implement i just told kids 3 and 5yo that daddy had done something to make mummy very sad and thats why we are doing blah blah blah i would be crying at points in the day so they knew something was up.I protected them from the actual behaviour/lifestyle he had chosen but they were aware of how it made me feel and that Daddy was a bit mixed up They would usually ponder this for a milli second and then want weetabix or a pepparami ,so having fun with my kids in the park etc is my memories of this summer not all the DOOM from H.

Startin have a great holiday ,you will be fabulous hope ur goin somewhere hot and beachy !

Happy hope ur getting some time to chill in the garden x

Getting and AB punching something really beneficial ,[im really wanting to start training at ds s kung fu kick boxing club] just find your way of letting it out ...whatever works for you ,

Take care x

itunes is an application that means you can download music onto your iphone (for a fee) and all your fave songs are stored on your phone, which you can then to listen to via headphones or you can buy special speakers that you plug you iphone into and it turns it into a stereo.

if this sort of thing interests you you will need to go to the itunes website (use the uk site) and dowload the itunes to you computer. it is free i think.

this then becomes a pogram on your computer that you can access and buy music from.

once you have bought your music (ranges from 50-80p per song) you shoudl have a wire that came with you phone that plugs into both your phone and your computer. there will be an option to sync the two so all your purchases then get loaded on to your phone.

apologies if you know this already.

Armbow thankyou for that list. I am focusing on looking forwards and taking the approach that ok my previously mapped out future has been withdrawn but actually maybe it wasnt as shiny as I thought and once I can process this painful stage an unknown future could be exciting and full of new possibilities.

Tea from where I stand why on earth would you want to traipse up to Scotland to see HIS parents ? I was very fond of my in laws but neither of us have contacted each other since it became clear ow was official. On the old adage "If you havent got anything nice to say then say nothing at all" I think its better I dont ring them and I am guessing they dont really know what to say to me. I havent stopped contact for the dcs and they are going to stay in the summer but I told exh he will have to make all the arrangements.I admire all you dumplings who are able to continue good relations with in laws but its just too raw for me. Anyhow Tea from your post it sounds like you have no problem seeing them so thats great but yes its ridiculous that you should make the journey, if they want to see
their grandchildren in Scotland then your H will need to sort it.

I am trying very hard to get a grip today but yes as you all said its the holiday thats done it and yesterday was quite an emotional day for me ,dd leaving school is the end of an era and I am a shockingly sentimental person at the best of times.

Last nights meal was ok but it was with my group of close friends and of course they were all talking about their pending family holidays and I felt a mix of and because for the last 8 years I would be joining in and also of course the word holiday has a bit of a bad taste atm. However today I am being positive about my activity holiday with dcs and realising I am bloody lucky to be having any sort of holiday.

Starting good luck with the garden , I have a big garden which is running to seed atm as I cant be bothered with it. Its awful but because I know I have to leave here I have no interest in doing things.

Hmm have to agree with Starting LC , not great if hes already angering you..

You'll be cool BB just your body dealing with the shock ,i think the outside accepts things then your subconcious throws something out and we get overwhelmed ,just sit with it BB cry if you need to "This too will pass" and you will be stronger for it ,if he hadnt walked out you wouldnt have to write stuff at the end of the day we are all trying to give our kids some kind of stability thru this phase in our lives and if writing it down gives you peace then do it!you ll get instructions online re i phone or your phone company can email you stuff ,its cool ,you are cool get out a walk if you can and do something just for you today if you can ,big hugs x

Beebers totally sympathise I am hopeless on ALL techie things but I have learnt to ask people and actually they seem to enjoy hepling!

Patience can you stay in your home now ?

Beebers Apple shop is the place or post on MN on Geeky stuff

Hello ladies.

I'm still here, just understandably occupied with children and trying to keep the house running, but I've been reading even when I haven't had time to post.

LC - so glad everything was ok. As bad as it is to find a lump at any time, it must have just been awful!

Mumfun - so sorry about your H but considering what you said about him before I'm not surprised - at least you know before you started to let him in more.

Patience - its hard to know what to say to you but it must be so hard still being stuck in limbo. Sending you stay strong vibes!

Things are in a good sort of limbo here, but prepare to be leaned on again - I've booked my counselling to restart in august so I'll be addressing some of my family crap, then going to relate with H. I can't see H and I getting back together at the moment but the talking will be interesting at the very least!

I was thinking about you earlier Chairmum glad you are ok

Getting, my house is being sold by private landlord so its the end of an era been here about 11 and a half years ,this drama for once was nothing to do with H but think if we rent again i will get house in my name or joint tenancy.Just need to look for suitable accomodation but trying to stay positive.

Chairmum ,glad to hear you are doin ok..I think this is more make or break rather than limbo now ,i think limbo feelings stopped for me when i walked out of the sollicitors office a few weeks ago with separation letter drafted .I didnt want divorce but i couldnt stay married to the bloke my husband had become.Anyway as it stands just now that seems to have been the shock H needed to make changes .Who knows Miaow what will happen but all i can do is stay consistent in my own behaviour not fall into the co -dependent trap again and still seek my own dreams and strengthen my self confidence x

Enjoy the counselling Miaow ,I look at it as a real pampering session,hadnt seen my bloke since April and caught up last Monday ,im just a different woman than the one that walked into see him last Sept.
Hope it brings you peace x

< Waves to Chair and Patience and all >

Waves to Happy ,online looking for houses anyone got any top tips ,not really in a place to pick and choose but i think i still hold out for something that i like the look of or do you just take what you can get oh lord so confusing think i need to start viewing things and see how they feel energy wise

Just look for the grass and check serenity levels x