ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

can i join. three months ago my partner walked out and left me with the three children to 'find himself'.

beebers come on in

so sorry to hear you have to be here too but we are a nice bunch and talking really does help. i am 3 weeks in and feel soooo much better knowing i can vent on here.

Hello beebers. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. This thread keeps me sane. Such wise words from so many. I'm only 16 days post break up so not in a position to offer much support as my head is still messed up but there is loads of support here. Welcome.

good plan LC

I have just had a very nice chat with a very close friend who told me in no uncertain terms that i am far too nice and let h get away with far too much.

so my plan is to grow confident in my actions towards him - i will steel myself before any 'chats' and not cave when he does his martyr trick which he has down to a tee.

go dumplings go !!!!

Hi beebers welcome

Armbow agree dont be too nice but as per your post earlier you want to be able to look back and reflect on your handling of matters and feel pleased you kept your poise and integrity

Waves to all.........

Welcome Beebers

Happy, pmsl "here is an emotional retard that just lost his way". Oh so true.......

well i am not patchy .... result!!!

hope everyone is doing ok this evening....

Hi Beebers nice to see you here
I'm getting awful confused about everyone's story ATM could someone write a summary please to save me doing a thread review?
Lovely eve spent with RL sympathy (emotional plus) and fellow dumping help plus nasty financial paperwork (practical step)

On a positive note I now feel so much more supported by my family RL friends and dumplings than I ever did before

Morning everyone hope we are ok today.

Happy - know what you mean, I can only really keep up with last page or so very confusing ! Glad you feel positive

had an idea!!!

why doesn't eryone give a brief summary of how they came to be here.

I will start....

been here 3 weeks, 2 years ago h told me he was not sure he loved me and moved out. he came back we worked on it he did it again a year later but came back again. he left for the third and final time 3 weeks ago. he says he does not love me. he is seeing the kids regularly.

Here's my story: Been with P for 14 years and we have ds age 9. I also have dd age 23 and ds age 21 from my first marriage. I found out 3 weeks ago that P was having an affair and I kicked him out there and then. OW and her H are close family friends. P and OW maintain that it was an EA with a bit of kissing, that it happened a year ago and that it is over. She is still with her H and P wants to come home. I am also waiting to find out results of investigations into a breast lump which I found 10 days ago. Confused? So am I!

Hi everyone.

Ok with exh 17 years ds13 dd11. Exh announced didnt love me but didnt know what to do about it couldnt make leap to go. In my case I had known how he felt for a long time but closed my eyes to it. Then began confiding in ow about month afrer telling me ,barmaid for 9 years where he drinks , and it quickly became an EA . He left Boxing Day under a bad cloud . He sees dcs and on the whole has behaved well waited a couple of months before full on affair and is still with ow.

DD finished primary school today and I managed to be calm through leavers assembly, phew !

Exh and ow gone on holiday today to Italy on a holiday we did as a family on many many occasions. Apparently exh was busy telling a mutual male friend all about it last night. This friend is horrified that exh can be so crass as to be taking ow rather than dcs on this particular holiday and I too dont know what he is thinking of.

Out of character for me I texted exh and said I couldnt believe what hes doing and he is showing himself to be the crass selfish person everyone knows him to be. His public image is everything to him so I hope that hit home and as per an earlier posting of mine I hope their 10 days is riddled with ghosts from the past. Twunt.

On a happier note I am feeling good now knowing I wont see or hear from him for 10 days and I dont need to worry about running into them etc. I have decided today that although this hasnt been an easy month I am giving in to self pity and negativity too much . I need to get back to how I was for ages ie living in the moment , enjoying my dcs and be grateful at how happy and well adjusted to living with just me they are .

I didnt want to split and worked hard in the last couple of years knowing he was unhappy to win back his affections but it wasnt to be. Now I want to start thinking about my future , accept calmly the things that need to happen and try to begin to feel good about myself again and focus on the positive stuff - a cliche but its going to help me scrabble out of this furrow I have been in lately.

I am out on an end of term girls night later and dont want exh name even mentioned!!

Sending you strength and positivity today LC
Reading a new book that a kind friend sent from Amazon [a complete surprise present]Its called "Put your dream to the test" all about chasing your dreams and not making excuses.

Whatever you think,be sure it is what you think,
Whatever you want,be sure that it is what you want,
Whatever you feel,be sure that it what you feel.

TS Eliot

Ok quick update day 3 in"Reconcilliation With Detatchment" erm thats about it really I'm just getting on with my life and putting all my MN knowledge into practice,he has stopped going to the pub and as that was the OW in our mess it has helped give me hope.So thats a first not really had genuine hope ever throughout this ,more like wishful thinking and gullible that he was telling me the truth.
So what makes it different this time, eh the real threat of divorce,he isnt shouting out about any massive sense of entitlement anymore ,he is respectful to me ,but will it last?who knows?
Thing is if he went tomorrow i wouldnt be that fussed ,might punch my couch a bit might smoke a bit but the sky wouldnt fall in.
I think i just had to keep pushing him away until he started to act more responsibly and respectfully no outbursts or martyrdom,I also had to be quite "Balls out "in my own behaviour ,a show of true empowerment,strong boundaries .Until i became emotionally independent of him ,he still thought he could get away with things
by charming me.I told him if he thought i was unsettled then multiply that by 100 re kids,so dont think about stepping foot inside the house if he was in any doubt whatsoever.
Working hard on creating a job opportunity for myself which will give me more money and more independence.I am trying to have a relationship when our strengths compliment each other rather than create weakness and smothering .I just keep putting my needs first .Ultimately it is up to him,if he has broken out of his negative loop if not I will move on ,NEVER going back to life i had ...t'was shameful
Has taken 9 mths to get this far ,wouldnt have worked if we had got together sooner ,he had to make his own journey to find out what exactly he was losing and what he was wanting from life,i had to have room to grow emotionally
and develop a strong sense of self worth.

Tbc.....

Waves to everyone x

Oh Patience that sounds all good! I have heard of a couple of cases where man has come home and been taken back on womans terms and its worked out long term .

When you get a mo whats that book called my dream is slipping away under weight of self limiting belief and laziness !!

Can i just say thankyou to everyone on Mumsnet and on this thread for all their kind words,firm words,advice and support ,this was a journey that i would never have chosen to make but pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me question my purpose and what i wanted from my life .I found out that i have the strength to get out of an abusive relationship and why i ended up there in the first place,I found out that there are good people out there and i found out i can change my opinion of myself if i choose to .

Waves to Gettin ' have a great nite out.

All dumplings...
Nourish your mind ,body and soul ,invest in yourself ...that is my motto and i will always put myself 1st now ,if im happy kids are happy [even if its pissing down]

John C Maxwell" Put Your Dream To The Test"

Dream a dream Gettin' seriously!.... it will take your mind off things ,play with it then see if its possible {wherever you get the finance from} have a chat with the girls tonite ,but remember its your dream nobody else can own it ,only you x

patience - best of luck
have lovely night tonight [getting]

LC - thinking of you xxxxxxxx

Quick update: good news - the lump was just a fluid filled cyst albeit quite a big one. Consultant stuck a needle in and drained all the fluid out, so no cancer and now no lump either! I feel on top of the world . Even all the other shit isn't getting me down today .

LC thats great news !!!

Now when you are ready you can think about other matters with a clear mind

LC HURRAY re lump news, that is truly fantastic and really puts everything else in to perspective

Patience, sounding good too

to all, old and new

Was out last night and am out tonight, a little glamour in my life, heading off up to the top of Centrepoint Twoer for dinner with colleagues and am waering a lovely dress so feel quite good. Had hilarious time reading thread last night at 10.30 on the train witha coupla glasses inside me - Blackberry tiny text hopeless for reading and gave up trying to post

Anyhoo,

Getting, have a great night

Any further thoughts that we might all meet up or is MN in RL doomed to failure? Have no experience myself but can't tell you how much this thread and all you lovely people has helped me over the last couple of week. 9 months separated and I thought I was ok but it can hit you for six just when you least expect

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

woooohhooooooo LC
fantastic news was thinking of you todayxxx

have a lovely time mummy

i am up for meeting up i am in east anglia and it takes just over an hour for me to get to london so london area i could get to, or cambidge i think someone mentioned.

mummy that sounds good and a nice night to be out and about

patience you are right and my dream (to be a life coach) was occupying me nicely but as I was saying earlier I seem to be in this mad position of allowing my situation to dominate my entire mind and in a negative way.

Any dumpling advice on why I should have been coping really well for several months and now going backwards ? I expect off days but this has been going on ages now and if I didnt know better I would think I was enjoying wallowing in it... I know the nasty business with money talk 3 weeks ago took me by surprise but thats not looking so bad now so wheres my smile gone ?

Armbow any more thoughts on reconciliation? I would like to meet up but I too had a thought along the lines of mummys comment - would the magic of MN be compromised by RL ..? Has it been done before ? Wheres Starting she would know.

Btw beebers are you ok?

my practical step today was to take back my overdue library books that have been languishing in the back of the car (£14 in fines )

my emotional step today was to clear out the bathroom cabinet of anything male related.

think it was lc that was planning a possible reconciliation getting - the only thing that happened to me similar to this over the past couple of days was that h thought he might have been having second thoughts but nothing has come of this.

getting i know that our minds can get in a cycle of thinking and sometimes we have to pull ourselves out of the downward spiral - a break in routine can be good for something like this. sounds like your conversation about money was your trigger. your mind becomes in a habit of thinking certain things at certain times and like all habits you have to break it,

that is why i am trying to get rid of all triggers of h from my house .

sounds great in theory but not always practical. like when my neighbour saw me today and told me she had seen h in pub last night.

i then had to go through the whole story because ds1 blurted out that daddy was looking for a new house !

LC that is fantastic news

Getting I totally get where you're at. I'm 9mts down the line too (not including previous split where I was in complete denial of reality & v hopeful of reconcilation). I think maybe your xh going on holls has subconciously triggered you. Aside from this, I find somedays it all just seems v hard & gets on top of you.

On that subject, I'm having an off day today! It's still raining here ffs! The garden is in an awful state, the house is in an awful state & I haven't the energy to tackle either. Youngest dd is a right handful atm & to top it all off I got a call today that I've to go to court next wk again. Xh is appealing the severity of his sentence (6mt suspended sentence). As a final moan, I can't find a solution for childcare which would allow me to continue on at college next yr. I know people who are married have bad days too so this is just a bit of a self pitying rant really. I'll be more positive tomorrow

Patience, am really happy for you, hope all continues to go from strength to strength for your family.