ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Good.

But promise me that next time he bleats on about having second thoughts, you will say:

"Well I haven't. It's over"

My soon to be ex H moans about not having money etc to me.

Now my feelings have moved from love to contempt and zero respect for him. I can easily say "well this was your decision, your choice" and be unemotional about it all now, basically almost like saying hard cheese. You will get there Armbow! Be strong and continue taking all the necessary steps to forge out a life for yourself with the provision you're eligible for through tax credits etc.

tea

no my h was the one who dithered around for 2 years and left 3 times saying he was not sure if he loved me or not. we always thought there could be an OW and there were indeed signs but no evidence has been fourthcoming. he did tell me last week that he had been keeping in touch with someone on email that he met recently (this is the woman who existence i discovered last night)

i think you are spot on with regards to him reacting like this when the relaity hit - he admitted this himself when he apologised for the nasty tone of the mail.

perhaps it was because he could see i was actually doing ok without him and when he saw the stark reality of his small accomodation/no extra cash to splash in bars etc and the fact that he feels like a stranger to us now (his words). he lashed out and it was at me and the reslut worked i let him see me vunerable again.

I x posted with whenwilli, her response is far better for your situation

promise

(thanks )

LC best of luck for tomorrow thinking of you.

Armbow, I think you and I are in the same boat .

Thanks, armbow.

if you mean he has got someone on the side i suspect so as well

can't find any hard evidence though - i gave him the chance to come clean "now is the time to be honest" but he still denied it and swore on his kid's lives. no actually what he said was that he had been keeping in touch with a few people but nothing had developed and that he had been asked out on a date that he cancelled as he could not go through with it.

so then i think perhaps he just intersted in me like that anymore and has left so he can be free to find others

my biggest fear is finding out in a couple of months time that he was hiding someone

i will feel such a mug then.

not interested in me

freudian slip

I think we're just wasting our time on these wasters. Yesterday I really thought I wanted to work things out but today I feel the opposite yet nothing has changed. Except me. I've changed. But a tiny part of me still thinks it must be worth at least trying.. I don't want to give up without trying.

yeah i know what you mean - the things is for me i did try to bloody hard i am exhausted he admitted to not really rying because his mind was made up he didn't love me.

at the end of the day you have to be able to look back on this in a few years and think "yeah i handled that spot on i am proud of myself"

you see the last 2 times he left i pussy footed around him because i did not want to test his love ifysiwm by shutting him out to see if he would come running back because i knew deep down he would not come back i think, this time i have faced my fear head on and living without him whilst sad is in an awful lot of ways better, so i am trying to shut him out.

last night was a bump on the road

i think it was starting who said they need to be beating your down to come back.

anything less than that is just not good enough,

god typing was awful then

wonder if i can blame it on my keyboard....

You can only try littlecritter if you are being told the truth, and you're not....

Good luck tomorrow.

WWIFN - shall I bother even trying? It's difficult as he no longer lives here. XP works with OW and her H will be joining them as from next week. XP is no longer answerable to me and I don't know what he gets up to. I do not have access to his laptop, phone etc. I think most arrangements are made verbally as they see each other on a daily basis. I'm the last to know anything. Shall I just tell him that the split is permanent now?

Armbow I remember being told it wasnt worth trying in our marriage because he didnt love me anymore and now all this time later it is one of the things that rankles more than anything else.

I feel for whatever reason exh feelings began to wane but instead of recognising it and thinking I have 2dc and if nothing else I owe it to them to sit my wife down and tell her how I feel and see if we can repair it he adjourned to the pub and just waited until his feelings deterioated sufficiently over a couple of years so he could then say without doubt he didnt love me so there was no option but to end it.

Absolutely LC and Armbow banging down the door IS the minimum and really I would have thought more like a period of living apart so that you can consider your options and they can set about convincing you they are worth expending any more energy on . Life is short.

Also maybe you need to examine your own motives about why you might have them back. In my case (although I was never given the option)it would have been a lot to with security, fear of the unknown and quite simply not wanting to go through the whole emotional upheaval rather than the fact I was madly in love with him.

Well another sad little milestone exh has just collected dcs to take them out for tea and then onto dd's leavers show at school. I will be going to the morning show tomorrow by myself as I cant bear the thought of going to something so emotional with exh in attendance.

LC my first port of call would be within the area of "incontrovertible evidence". I seem to have said this a lot in the past few days, but how does he get his phone bills? An old bill you've got lying around will allow you to register him for online billing and you will be able to see text use up to the point when you made your discovery - and up to 2 years worth before that. I assume you know OW's number, but no matter if you don't.

If that doesn't bear fruit, then talk to OW's H privately. Tell him that as far as you are concerned, you believe an affair was very much ongoing for your H when he left home.

Third, if your DP is saying he wants to come back, tell him you cannot trust what he has been telling you and the only way he can regain a smidgeon of belief is for him to turn over all his credit card and phone bills for the past few months. That you will look at these and get back to him. Now, that might make him finally tell you the truth, or if he's got nothing to hide, he will demonstrate his trustworthiness by becoming an open book, even about the past.

And even if he wants to come back, if it's only because OW belatedly had a touch of the seconds and chose her husband, then that is a matter for you in terms of what you can accept and forgive. I couldn't ever have done that, I will be honest.

And I think he is protecting the OW with these lies to you, as well as, or if not, himself.

getting - this business is full of crappy stuff like this isn't it. at least by going along tomorrow you can concentrate fully and not be worrying about exh

right

tax credits DONE
off to become bronzed (never done it before so get ready for a post full of panic when it comes out patchy later)

Armbow - Exfoliate and shave first. You're supposed to wait 24 hrs after exfoliating to then do self tan. Or it ends up looking spotty by being darker in the skin pours.

LC - When I asked for the type of prrof whenwillI suggested LC, my H kept saying he'd provide it and then kept forgetting or stalling. He already had every bill online with password I couldn't access for along time to cover his affair so I couldn't try and find out for myself. However after continuing pressure over many weeks, that's when he finally admitted the affair wasn't over. Try and do as whenwilli says LC after tomorrow is over with. I will also be thinking of you x

Getting........

i hope you can bring a freind to be there with you. I find those school things so hard. x

Hmm good advice there from WWIFN I think AB
A real chance for XH to show his honesty or not by handing over those bills
It does sound to me that after all he's put you through he would have to make some huge steps for you to consider taking him back
If you're anything like me you may have a tendency to feel sorry for XH. I hope not and can't believe after all Bald Eagle has done that I still feel sorry for him on occasions and think here is an emotional retard that just lost his way Never feel that and please slap me someone.

Bows to WWIFN - have you been lurking here since last November?

Right! I have an action plan. XP wants to move back home. Let's see just how much. I will tell him that I want to work things out which is true. I will tell him that he can move back in as soon as he gives me copies of his phone bills for the last 12-18 months. I will also ask OW's H for copies of her bills for the same period.

I think those on this thread who have acepted the end of their relationships are in a much better position than those of us who are wondering how to try again. I feel like I'm trying to cut my own hand off.