ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Hi tea. It's on my shopping list. I've been putting it off as I know it will make me confront things I don't want to. But the time is right now and it looks like I know 3 other people who need to read it urgently too. I'll be lurking and keep you all posted.

Getting i think after last week i would def say "dont care which way this goes "It is def a mebbies Aye ,mebbies No situation and I am numb emotionally ,i have no control over this, I only have control over maintaining my own fabulosity and perhaps damage limitation .I cant actually remember half of it [Thats detatchment and also a view that i wont re energise negative emotions anymore i choose to let them go]all i know is he no longer justifies his behaviour or blames me ,he accepted responsibility for the place he ended up .But i think it will take months of baby steps TBH i just think if he is considerate and he has stopped drinking he will be more honest and my stomach will stop feeling that it is developing an ulcer.
I just need peace ,the thought of being divorced by xmas gave him more of a fright i reckon ,but if it all kicks off again i will jump out of this PDQ I know i can do it on my own,his presence in our lives needs to enhance the family not detract from it.He has hurt me to a level i never thought imagineable ,whether it be due to MLC,addiction or general emotional underdevelopment but i stopped making excuses for him a long time ago .Zero Tolerance...This either works or it doesnt ,as i said a lots of times on this thread i have always felt an unconditional love for H even although at times he made me RAGE and SCREAM and punch FUCK out my couch.Oh Lord

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
The courage to change the things i can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Hi all
sh*t has just hit fan _ can I have positive vibes please will report back later

I actually found it quite healing in many ways and it helped me to realise it wasn't all my fault but to understand it all much better and it made me come to my senses a bit more with my H and what was required by him and me to work it out. Funnily enough it was after reading the book I asked my H some challenging questions and he finally admitted the affair never ended and he didn't want to come back. So it gave me closure in the end. But for you I think it would have the opposite effect and actually help you to make a go of things. Buy it buy it buy it

Thinking of you LC ,wishing you strength and clarity x

Sending you positive vibes AB hope ur ok x

ps if "dont care" is a bit harsh re my post earlier ,then i think general indifference perhaps is more apt. If we make it past the weekend we will be doin well

Oh dear Armbow positive vibes duly sent xx

LC hope your results are ok I imagine everything is secondary to that ..?

Good luck with your XP I know I would have loved an opportunity for a reconciliation .

Take care x

Hope you're ok Armbow. Thanks to all for good wishes.

Oh Patience, good good luck. Your H is a very lucky man being given another chance at family life with you and your DC.

I really hope he doesn't cock it up.

Lots of supportive vibes from me Armbow.

Getting........ re your wanky ex and OW.

May it rain non stop at Como and may they see sides in each other that they don't like.

Insensitive bastards. This is what I'm dreading next. Hope I deal with it as well as you. God the shit we have to effing swallow.

I want to turn the pages back to remind myself of who said what but then I'll lose what I've written.

Mine did the porn thing too. At what point is it an 'addiction' though ?

We were late teens when we met and I found his 'mags'. I admit I was very shocked at the time but now I'm older I realize that most teen boys have 'mags' under their beds.

I learnt to live it but every few years I I felt really put out with the 'competition' (and made him bin them) as he prefered wanking to mags than the real thing with me.

Charming

When I found out about the internet porn he said that "everyone at work does it".

YUK, vile little sods, shuffelling off to the loos.

Internet porn has so much to answer for. I'm no Mary Whitehouse but men now have it all on a plate at the touch of a button...

I knew I could never compete in a million years...and actually I shouldn't have to.

hey all

generally in all directions

Armbow, huge +ve vibes, hope all ok

LC, hang in there, we are here for you

Patience, xh accepting the consequences for his own actions is a big deal if deep rooted, best of luck. When my xh wanted to come back I agreed to begin reconciliation because I felt I would want to be able to look my kids in the eye, whatever happened, and say I did all I could. Didn't turn out 'happy ever after' in my case but gave me some closure and I know others who made it through stronger as a couple so definitely worth a punt

Getting, booking that activity hol is fab and you will have such a great time

Pink, pictures bothered me a lot less than steamy email conversations with women on maritalaffair.co.uk and 247swingers ditto at all times of day and night, with offers to meet AT OUR HOUSE AND SHAG IN OUR BED whilst I was hard at work and the DDs were at nanny's................argh, sorry about the caps, just venting........... how was that ever 'just a fantasy', not a massive betrayal??? Not what I signed up for

Oh my goodness, so much happening hard to keep up! Patience, I wish you the v best of luck with trying to make a go of it again. As others said I would have loved if this had been possible with my own xh. Being honest that was the reason I took xh back after 1st separation. We'd been apart for 6 mts & it came to stage of either making split permanent or seeing if we could make a go of things (at this point I still believed he'd never strayed). Despite intensive couples & individual counselling for xh, it all came crashing down a few brief mts later. The good thing is that at least it helped to move me out of limbo land & made me realise things were never going to work with xh. Unfortunately things I later uncovered put me back in crisis for awhile.

Pink, you can flick back the pages & not loose what you've typed by highlighting what you've typed & then pressing ctrl & c together (copy) & then when you've gone back a page press ctrl & v at same time (paste) et voila! . I need to do it all the time if I'm trying to keep up with loads of posts.

LC, good luck whatever way you decide to move forward & more then anything good luck for wed. Maybe take a bit of time out before making a final decision & when wed is out of way try to get to see a counsellor.

Armbow, sending you positive vibes & hope it'll all be ok for you.

Getting, the holl with ow to a place you normally went together sounds horrible. Great that you've booked a holl for yourself, a v positive move. Is your xh Italian?? (Don't ans if it reveals too much). Only asking as I lived in Italy for a long time & still feel stangely connected.

Pink, I think porn becomes a prob when they prefer that then the rl thing with ourselves.

Getting, I know what you mean in that I was also v v happy indeed that I was married to xh after I'd visited solicitor . It's amazing the difference that piece of paper makes in your rights in divorce.

Tea, very well put "They're selfish and what they want is their only thought."

Mummy, if you have read the back posts & threads you will know I ended up uncovering a lot of the same stuff you are talking about with xh . Nothing for you or I to be ashamed about though, it was their shortcoming & certainly not ours.

Yippee, am so sick of constant rain for past few wks it finally pushed me to sort holls today .

Well done on booking hols as well. Was it Gettings post that inspired you?

Thanks Starting, I'll try it out soon. I have the technical abillity of a dead slug.

I went into "customise" (above by topics) and selected "messages per page" to unlimited, so I never need to change page now, I can just keep scrolling down myself.

Ohhh wow!

Patience I wish you all the best - as others said it would be good for positive outcome for a dumpling. Al -anon sounds very useful - will put that on possible list in future

Ab - hope you are ok

LC - hoping for positive outcome for you soon. I understand how painful it is sometimes to confront these books but do think this one would help you.

Starting - yay for hol. Hope for better weather for you soon

Getting - Grrr for your ex insensitiveness. I always wonder at families who manage to move on so fast and accept new person. I will not be doing that if ever happens to my DCs.

Starting and Pink. So agree it is a problem when men prefer porn to RL. Im really not into it -causes so many problems and degradation.

Mummyilub - your ex was unbelievable - what a Im so shocked. Work work through your anger. Im currently finding hitting a ball the best anger dealer wither.

Well in short I was right. H has been a total (bunch of swearwords). Only good point is that my instincts are hot hot hot and my best friend. In the middle of wanting to look at reconciliation he has been off to OW again. Total t*sser. What can I say. I am coping well as I am so much stronger now - I just cant belive he is so stupid - but I can believe it. It should be obvious what to do next but just giving myself a little space. Have taken on board fact that you should never make a decision when very emotional. Have not cried for a long time but was so upset for DCs who have been so settled and happy recently. It just shows how sensitive DD is - she knows things are up as she has been climbing into bed at night with me for the last 5 days or so again -she did that all the time when H left at first - she hadnt been doing it for a long time.

Mumfun what a twunt he is. How do they think they can segregate their lives and conveniently forget stuff My XH is still in denial re his affair and to answer your question Pink he is trying to petition me.

Patience wishing you luck in your new endeavour.

Can't believe all of the porn stories except sadly I can. XH had a 'pop' at it too.

< waves to all >

Oh God Mumfun, that is so heartbreaking to hear. It is really hard to believe when they are saying one thing & doing another. I had similiar with my xh after taking him back. Tbh I thought in lots of ways for me the pain was a million times worse when xh fu*ked it all away for the 2nd time. Good idea not to make any major decisions for now. Really sorry that you are going through this again & as I know only too well heartbreaking for dc's also (())

Tea, sounds like you're streets ahead with your MN techno know how . Had booked holl before I saw Gettings post, the rain has been a good motivator. Are you still going to be able to go to your friends holl house for a wk??

Hope all's well .

Hi again I wonder if we are all going on hols to the same place

< Waves back and passes Belgian chocolate >
All the better for the chocolate thanks

I am going somewhere beginning with an S.............& I will have ZERO possibility of a holliday romance with 3 dc's in tow............