ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Mummyilub my H had a porn addiction too Never ever confessed it to me until after we were separated. It actually affected his labido quite frankly and didn't make him more up for it at all but less weirdly enough. I think it gave him seriously unrealistic expectations of a sexual relationship after children and womans bodies after children too. He resented so many things after DCs. Found me a complete turn off when preggers and when breast feeding and made me feel so so so unattractive

We often had premium rate phone numbers on our bills and he always insisted it was fraud, over the years we were married it happened once or twice a year and would cost a flaming fortune and I could never get the money back despite trying (think I managed it once, now feel ashamed as it wasn't fraud). He even bought stuff on itunes as well I discovered. It does sometimes make me think it was one thing that pushed him over the edge into an affair with a 21 yr old with a perfect body She's a fantasy just like porn. Whereas I'm covered in stretch marks, have a crap pelvic floor and boobs like used tea bags after BF 2 DCs! Porn is easy, whereas making a marriage and sexual relationship work and remain vibrant takes more than a click of a button. IYSWIM?

tea you deserve so much better (but you know that already)

i am learning that some men refuse to accept reality,

Tea your exh really sounds awful -sorry. One of the things that concerns me about sex with someone new is when you have an apron belly from pregnancy but the person you are shagging is the perpetrator of said pregnancies its a bit different to having to reveal it to someone new.

Have showed my rl bf and she says oh getting its fine but then what is she going to say save for corrective surgery ? I had a good body pre kids and although I am fit I do hate the awful scarring on my belly. Exh used to say he loved it because that was from our dcs

One thing I am hoping is different about me is that I have a confidence about me as a person now at 44 rather than a woman in her 20's looking to her appearance to validate her.

Got a text from man from last night said hello gorgeous but dumplings tapping out to Armbow earlier I dont think its a good idea. Mt rl friend is aghast that I am not going to progress this and "get a shag ".

Tea seriously what about some kind of Dumpling Convention ? Mummy mentioned being in Cambs earlier so thats not a million miles away... Anybody near Watford/Welwyn/St Albans etc ?

mmmm I suppose Watford not so far.

Waves to all........

Getting 7am for playdates is not the norm was a favour to parents of dd's friends parents as they had to go somewhere early till late & they had taken dd somewhere really nice last wk .

Feel really sad reading thread & to see so many of us have had terrible pain due to porn/sex addictions etc . Tea I also have the wet teabag boob effect from b'feeding & don't like to think too much about pelvic muscles . Likewise I never cast a thought about this with xh (as they were his dc's). Armbow, I also go through stages of being like something in heat, could be part of the recovery process who knows! I'm like you in that xh is gone 9mts this time but first time was nearly 2yrs ago so feel further down the road then 9mts. A few wks after xh went in Sept I did become closely aquainted with a v good friend of 12yrs. I think it was just what the dr would have ordered at the time & I've no regrets about it nor did it destroy the friendship.

Mummy, please don't allow your self esteem to be effected by images that are not real. You are a real woman, don't try to compare with a fantasy.

Pink, I confess to having had a sneak peek at pics of meet-up & played guessing game!

Well, I am shopped out! Went back to Next again to get it out of my system. Btw I financed this splurge with the coins xh had sent with dc's a few wks ago, they added up to a v nice total . All in all it was a good way to spend it as dc's are all thrilled with their sale stuff .

Funny story from today..........Was a bit distracted trying to get 5 dc's ready to get out the door. We'd lounged in pj's till lunch & then I was going to drop 2 other dc's home & head to Next with my own dc's. Told ds to get dressed I'd left his clothes out for him. Later in shopping centre I had to take him to the loo & he turned around to me & said "mummy I don't like it when you give me no underware to wear". Had a look & sure enough he'd no underware on, I'd forgotten to leave them out & he thought he wasn't meant to wear any. Still pmsl at his serious little voice .

Another funny story, ds got a spiderman costume for b'day & is obsessed with it so rather then leave him go out with full costume on he tends to bring the mask part out. While I was blissfully thrawling through sale rails I suddenly heard an all merciful scream & turned around to see a man rushing off with a toddler in a buggy while ds was standing there looking v v guilty. Turns out he had put on his spiderman mask & frightened the living daylights out of poor toddler. Know I shouldn't laugh but it was so funny I found it hard to scold ds. Tried to chase man with ds in tow to apologise but they did a runner.............

morning all. I am v near Watford, just in Cambs for the day yesterday. I would be up for a get together

the internet thing is so odd. I knew he looked at the pics, it was when I discovered he had registered on a chat/dating site........ he was actually discussing meeting up to shag these women......just a bridge too far His version was this was all fantasy and he would never have done anything about it. Me the bad guy for being so rigid about the whole thing and regarding it as a betrayal

plus which XH v fit indeed (his line of work) so any wobbly bits on me always seemed that bit worse

I know SGB some regular posters on mumsnet are very liberal about that sort of thing mummyilubyou however when it comes to actually starting to register on chat sites and arranging to meet up for sex, when you're in a marriage, I don't think it's appropriate. I suppose it would be different if you'd married knowing you liked swinging etc and you'd gone into the marriage accepting you were happy with this status quo however I would never have married someone like that and would feel very upset if halfway through a successful marriage these issues began cropping up, as I would feel that wasn't what I signed up for, I signed up for a long happy monogamous marriage with plenty of sex with each other! Don't get me wrong I enjoy experienting with each other and trying new things (although my H never seemed to want to, which is why I was gobsmacked at some of the stuff he said after we separated anyway) but in your situation, if I was you and discovered my H was on these chat sites arranging to meet up for sex, I would find it a BIG problem and would consider it an emotional betrayal and would be very grieved by it, as I would consider it just one step short of adultery and very upsetting. Trust would be shattered, self esteem and in that instance I would (even if they promised not to do it) feel very paranoid from that point on, whenever they were out if they were, where they said they were, if they were satisfied with me in the bedroom dept etc. I cannot blame you at all for how you feel tbh but like i said there are people out there who are fine with that sort of behaviour but not me I can't remember your back story on the break up however I suspect there was far more to your decision to walk away than just that alone x

Laughing at your DS scareing (sp?) a man and toddler and them rushing off! How silly! Bit OTT of them!

Sorry my last paragraph was aimed at Starting feeling a bit tired today

Tea, am with you on the chat site bit. He was definitely sorry he was found out not about actually doing it. I confronted him, v angry but never entered my head he would leave as a result. Shocked me to the core when he walked out, begged him to stay to work it out....he stayed away and just became increasing entrenched in the view that I had precipitated the break, was not interested in him or the dds, needed a reality check (me not him apparently)
All attempts at counselling or even just discussing became v grumpy as he refused to see he had done anything wrong, nothing to apologise for et etc
Then I cut off funds (he has a job but I am breadwinner) as couldn't face stress of not knowing how much was in the joint account
Cue big row, apparently unfair of me to do that in his eyes when he was struggling in the big bad world on his own
So then he changed his mind and decided he wanted to come back.....cue me being v unreasonable asking if he loved me and suggesting getting back together for financial reasons maybe not the answer...
and then after much counselling where he (and I quote) didn't want to keep having sad conversations that made him feel bad about himself' he changed his mind again, ostensibly due to my inability to move on but in fact because of new OW....

Sorry long post

What a twunt! Anyway you have the DCs so you do not need to provide for him out of your money He has a job and should grow up and accept the fact, he chose to leave you and can bloody well manage on his own, just as he chose to do. Just because he wouldn't and couldn't accept the fact it's not right to try to arrange to have sex with strangers when you're married. Grrrrrrrrrrrr

Gosh I'm so cross on your behalf!

After reading so much on MN and having the wool removed from my eyes a bit it sounds like OW could have been around a while and he leapt on the chat site thing as a "reason" to leave hence transferring responsibility onto you being unreasonable rather than the age old doesnt reflect too well on him OW scenario

I am a bit blue today exh goes away on wednesday and he is going tp Italy where he has a lot of family and then to a place his family have near Como. We did that holiday many many times in our 17 years and what I find particularly odd is how he can want to go to the Como flat with OW after so many family holidays there lots of fun with dcs etc. His parents are out there at the moment so I suppose they will be meeting OW for first time too. My only consolation is that I think however disguised it is there will be an air of disapproval from the family as divorce in Italy isnt so acceptable and we are the only couple in any of the age ranges to have split and of course he left us and OW will be there for all to see as my replacement.

I think I need to talk to dcs about it too because I wonder if they are a bit sad at not being included having always loved our time there. But might that be putting a feeling in them that they hadnt thought of ?

Anyway as per your comments last week Tea I am full of hatred and utter contempt for exh and spiteful though it may sound I hope when he gets there he has underestimated the ghosts from past holidays and it spoils his holiday.

Also equally nasty is the hope that 10 whole days with OW will show her to be not quite as wonderful as he thought

Off to try to get a grip , just remembered Patience' serenity prayer think I will Google it because its spot on for me at the moment.

Speaking of Patience are you ok?

Starting your dcs sound like a lot of fun although there are lots of advantages of older ones they arent quite so absorbing or entertaining !!

Tea, thanks for your moral support - this is why this thread is so good . There were times during the attempted reconciliation porcess where I started to think it was all me......

Getting god knows and tbh probably doesn't matter, at least I recognise now I will be better off without him in the longer term. I know exactly what you mean about how odd the XHs seem to be able to move on with OW, I conclude they must just be wired v differently to us.

use the hate and anger to empower you, use that as the focus to get what you need and should have in the divorce and hold your head high with the knowledge you are behaving well - don't let yourself become bitter as that is him wasting your valuable time and energy , you are better than that

can't remember how old your DCs are, know what you mean about not wanting to project. Right or wrong with mine I have taken the tack of offering chats whenever DD1 (who is of an age (7) to want to talk) looks wobbly, but not vringing up specific stuff before she brings it to me iyswim. Is very hard though, do your DCs know XH is going on that hol to that place? My xh had neglected to mention to dd1 that he was going to central america for a month so I had to break it to her

ARGGGGHHHHHHH

tea, by the way, have been meaning to say tx for sharing re the internet stuff - have been so embarassed, mortified in fact that haven't told anyone in RL and is nice to know am not alone

I actually told my good friends about his Porn issues, but they were my friends (not joint ones, although he knew them) and I trusted them as we were close. But tbh the way he's treated you and expected you to just "accept it" as a way of life and acceptable in a monogamous marriage is outrageous and he is in the wrong, not you. At least you know you made the right choice, as you said.

Not all men are wired that way, just the jerks That's what I keep telling myself anyway, as I have 4 brothers who are all happily married and decent men of integrity and lots of friends too.

I can't remember what I said last week already Getting! LOL. But no wonder you're feeling blue and contempt for him. That must be so painful for you, to see him going to somewhere you went together with the family with the new woman Very painful and fairly thoughtless of him but then again if they were thinking about how much it would hurt us, they wouldn't have left/ betrayed us in the first place. They're selfish and what they want is their only thought. can you arrange some nice things for you and the DCs whilst he's away, make some happy family memories for you? Chessington? Cheeky weekend away at Butlins with them?

Both my DCs are napping lots today, to make up for a busy last few days, so I'm enjoying all this "me" time and venting

Mummy ,just read a bit from last nite and my advice is do what you have to do to feel kick ass confident about yourself to raise your self esteem .Remember confidence is hugely sexy and insecurity isnt.We all have some amount of self doubt but during this time away from H I have discovered a certain amount of fabulosity that i truly didnt believe i had .But I had to accept my weaknesses and strenghthen them.I agree that until you love yourself you will be needy in a relationship needing some bloke to validate your looks etc.You dont need to ask someone if you look good ,you know you do and if you dont thats good too ,cos then you have identified one of the areas you need to do some work on .All this stuff is fixable ,ultimately we all thought we were fabulous when we arrived on this planet and slowly people that we meet can make us feel positive or negative about ourselves ,how dare men make us feel bad about ourselves when it is their underdeveloped sense of self that is at fault here.But let your inner voice stay positive ,talk about whatever you are comfortable with on here ,most dumplings have vast experience of general hurtful behaviour from their partner you def would think that they all read a twunt manual because page after page is the same old story.
Reading between the lines all i know is that they seem to have issues with self esteem and emotional maturity and grab onto some hedonistic life style to ease their pain,leaving us to pick up the pieces .

Ok so update on" The Wonderful World of Patience"

H is a "changed man "apparantley and has seen the error of his ways .WTF

I have agreed to him moving back in because

1 I want this sorted out sooner rather than
later

2 I am not driving myself mad again re paranoia about pub or his general whereabouts

3 I told him if he is drinking or going to go to the pub then he can fuck off im not interested and i am so emotionally spent over this i dont care if he is back or not ie if he treats me right this will work and his MLC will just be a chapter in our lives ,if he is an inconsiderate prick at all then he is out.

Infact i am just about to email sol to put divorce letter on hold but if reconcilliation is unsuccessful at least the letter is drafted .I know its not terribly romantic but definately holding myself back this time ladies ,but we will never be who we were b4 ,so i guess ive just got to see if i actually want him in my life anymore,you never know sober and considerate might become attractive if i can ever trust him again.

Thoughts of divorce have either made him realise that he does want to be part of this family or that i am driving this vehicle as far away from him as possible and he didnt like that .Anyway like i said before i am so tired emotionally about this i know longer care which way this goes , after several months on mumsnet i also feel empowered and in control of my life for the first time in a long time.I will continue to lead an independent life i truly do not need him to validate me in any way shape or form ,i have a strength inside that i could have only dreamt of before and it makes me content.Things arent "happily ever after" i have told H that he has to reassure me if i feel the need re any flashback i may have because of his general "shocking behavior"he knows he has a long walk b4 we are out of this zone,but he also knows i dont care one way or the other ,if he's a decent bloke it will work if he is a sneaky fucker i will find out and we get divorced.Time will tell....

Waves to everyone.......away to watch Ben and Holly x

ps Going to counselling appointment tonite,not seen bloke since Easter ,i truly think he will fall off his seat tonite several times ...will be interesting to hear what he says ,oh and just to say my typing is getting super whizzy these days Happy but still looking at the keys LOL

Wow sounds like you've had a lot happen in the last few days! Really shocked you've agreed to him moving back in Patience!

Well we're all here for you eitherway x

Ps Older dumplings will know that we have been here b4 so if you groan out loud i wont be offended ....

Also the Italian holiday thing will be sure to haunt him Getting ,i still think you are most dignified dumpling ATM showing huge amounts of inner strenth.

If you are interested at all Getting I found Al anon a huge help to me.I remember alcohol was a factor in ur split.It just helped me to detatch from Hs drinking and focus on me and my family just helped me to see that i didnt cause it ,no matter how many times he used to tell me that i did .Just allowed me to get on with my life as long as i didnt see H.Basically you do not give any time in your mind to thoughts of him.I think alanon is a great teacher of independence against co-dependence and how the latter is a common pattern but a bad one .Just good to go and hear other peoples stories and to feel grounded and supported IYSWIM.Basically it showed me about a lot of stuff that i was exposed to that i didnt even realise.It helped me to heal .It is for anyone thats life HAS or IS affected by alcohol .Everyone in the room has had pain thru drink and although i only went for a few months I found it good for emotional repair ,I dont think you even have to be affected by drink to get something out of it .Its more a philosophy that the more serenity you have in your life and the less controlling you are over other peoples behaviour the more peace you will find x

XP tea ,yep i think its just a see what happens kind of thing[more patience] i just want closure one way or another,if i didnt have faith and a new understanding on forgiveness this wouldnt be happening ,i would still be in the bitter resentful stage but now i just want peace tea... one way or another x

Neglected to mention he was away for a month -charming.

I am fairly liberal minded about porn so I wouldnt talking to people in rl about any issues I had with it. Neither of us was very interested in it really , at last something I am reading about on MN that I didnt suffer with my twunt.

Having posted and got the holiday thing off my chest I feel better (thanks mummy and tea). I am very proud of myself as I booked an activity holiday for dcs and I in Cornwall which was a big step as I am quite anxious about going away on our own . Holidays was something that always went well and bizarrely we had a wonderful holiday a few weeks before exh announced no longer loved me.

Had exh whining how hard he was finding it to book a holiday for him and dcs couldnt bring himself to do it etc etc but yours truly has done

What you were saying last week Tea is that with strentgh comes anger and that is where I am at and I have worked on remaining above bitterness throughout these months but lately its got very difficult but Yes I am trying to channel it into making sure I stand up to him in the divorce process.

I have just been to solicitor with bf in rl who left her dp 18 months ago, a man who makes all our twunts put together seem like nice guys. Because they werent married (3 kids together 21 years)she has no claim whatsoever on any of his pension or assets. Luckily their house was jointly owned . Actually felt relieved I had married exh, didnt expect to think that today

Nice idea tea I will put my thinking cap on but tbh they are at the age where they think the height of fun is hanging out with their mates outside Costcutter !!

No Tea I think a nice happy family memory would be to go for sensory foot massage I have been drooling over at the salon after all every child deserves a relaxed Mum and just give them a fiver for high fat/sugar lunch in town . Ker - ching happy family day tee hee hee

Activity hol sounds great and if the salon for you and money for them works, do it

Wow Patience !

I didnt see that coming. However much you say "I dont care which way this goes " you must want it to work or you wouldnt be doing it . I really hope it works out for you as you sound like a lovely person who deserves to be happy and it would be nice to have a happy ending on the dumpling site !!

Forgot to say man from singles party did text me and I am meant to call him later. Really dont want to my bf says I should practise on him

Well they may make a good friend, your attitude is healthy considering what you've been through, call them anyway and chat. No harm really?

Well, Patience, you're not the only one considering a reconciliation. It is now 15 days since I kicked XP out after discovering a letter from OW which professed her undying love and how she would wait forever for him. Finally, I spoke to OW's H last night. In fact, all 4 of us were there - they are family friends. Everything is out, warts and all. Apparently, XP and OW had an intense emotional affair for about 3 months just over a year ago. It progressed to kissing and fumbling but nothing more . They then decided not to take it any further as they didn't want to risk losing respective partners/children. OW and her H are now trying to repair their marriage. I have agreed to talk to my XP and he says he wants us back. Me? I honestly don't know what I want or what is truth/fiction/lies. It's a mess.

I spent this morning looking for a serviced apartment for XP to stay in for the next 4 nights. It is big enough for me and/or ds to stay in if we wish. So we will talk later.

I'm sorry I'm not responding to other posts but my head is going to explode soon. No sleep last night and Wednesday is the day that I go back to the hospital for results and a biopsy of my breast lump. Just wanted you to know I hadn't forgotten you all. The grass isn't always greener.

I know I've said this before but have you got this book yet? LC it's well worth reading and will help you to either work things out with your H or move on, eitherway it was so much help to me and many other mumsnetters it's well worth buying and reading.

I'm rooting for you if you do work it out, as that scenario is a lot more promising than what I'd gathered previously. There are lots of mumsnetters who have worked through things after an affair and stayed together. Keep posting on here and we're all here too if needed x