ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Mumfun although i dont know the story can i say i empathise with you completely, big hugs,my life was kind of stable til i found out that X had been lying again a fortnight ago, my trust has been shot to pieces i know i have to move on but i truly thought i had past the worst of the angry sad stuff and i cant seem to shake this off.....What the fuck was he playing at ......Aargh x

Oh and just to say trust your gut.... it is uncanny how everytime I doubted his honesty I was right, x

Also although i am my usual self i just think all the shock i am having to deal with ATM is putting so much stress on me i have a constant empty tummy feeling i am living on stress adrenalin best way to describe it and i cant seem to settle.Everyday brings more meetings more forms to fill and although it has to be done and i know i will regain some security my inner self has totally gone for the fight or flight adrenalin solution ,any tips on how i get my subconcious to chill a bit.On the outside im being practical but on the inside i need a vetinerary sized tranquiliser dart x

Mumfun - take your time to think about what you really want and it's ok to change your mind. If he truly wants a reconciliation he'll do whatever it takes and if that means waiting a week, a month or even a year then that's what he must do to show he is genuine. Things can never go back to what they were but maybe they can be different. Or maybe your life is actually better without him.

Tougher - that constant adrenaline rush is exhausting. I've had it for the past 2 weeks aswell. I have noticed that the less contact I have with XP the better it is. Also, expect absolutely nothing from him. Not even honesty abuot silly little things. Lower your expectations then it won't be so disappointing when he lets you down. In fact, it won't feel like he let you down because you will have accepted that he is a weak, dishonest, unreliable person. Unlike you. You ARE the strong one.

Hope everyone else is ok. I'm getting ready to go to the hospital. XP is insisting he comes with me even though I told him not to bother. We went to parents' evening last night and he looked awful. Whereas I lost count of the number of people who told me how well I looked. Then a friend reminded me that she was picking me up at 7.30 tonight for a night out. You should have seen XP's face! Chin up, tit's out is my mantra now!

Morning everyone

LC hope hospital goes ok I suppose its nice your XP is insisting on going with you

Tea I am in WGC so yes maybe some of us Dumplings should gather . On the old threads there was alot of talk of a meet up in London I think -did that ever happen ?

Not that I am feeling very sociable at all. Had 45 minutes on the phone to exh trying to make some headway on us sorting out finances amicably . For the first time since he left I shouted at him and gave him a strong idea of what I think about him . Instead of feeling empowered I feel rubbish and sad in a way I havent for ages. He would have been taken aback about a number of things I said and at least have got the message he wont be judge and jury on things. One thing came up about holidays and I said I was sure he and OW would have lots of lovely holidays together [being sarcastic] and he said how he really hoped I would meet someone to do those things with and I knew he was being sincere and I wanted to scream . It sounds babyish but I hate the way he has her and they are so happy and not only dont I have him but I dont have anyone and at this point in time being with someone seems about as likely as winning the lottery.

I know I need to get a grip and he and I would never be happy together and actually in many ways I dont even like him anymore so what does it matter what hes doing

Think just have to accept today is going to be

Getting, sorry you're feeling sad. From my own experience I can tell you two things 1) any confrontation at all with xh used to leave me feeling rubbish! 2) The more time passes the less generous & amicable they'll be about finances! You would prob be better at this point to treat your relationship with xh like a work collegue you don't like but that you need to treat with respect etc..& keep it strictly to stuff about access. Likewise you will prob be better leaving the finances to your solicitor. I think we all start out hoping to come to an amicable arrangement but that rarely works unfortunately! Guilt makes them generous to begin with but that soon fades when reality sets in (my maintenance use to be more then 5 times what it is now!).

Now my advice to you would be to do something really nice for yourself today, meet a friend, go shopping, have a lavender bath, a beauty treatment, a walk in the park etc.. whatever will make you feel good. Another man is not the answer here. No matter how bad a marriage might have been or what probs might have existed, there is a respectful way to end a marriage & that does not involve causing pain to the person you married by getting involved with ow. Your xh might appear to be happy now with ow but he is only using ow as an escape from reality (& himself) & eventually this will catch up with him. Anyone is entitled to end a marriage if they so desire but it is the way these men behaved that indicates they are operating at a very selfish & superficial level.

You on the other hand need to allow yourself time to grieve for your marriage ending & how you were treated. In time the qualities that made you a good wife i.e. loyalty, faithfulness, commitment to your children's welfare etc will allow you to find true happiness with someone else if you so desire. You will not be carrying any guilt into the future.

Now go out, embrace the day & be grateful for the lovely strong woman you are.

Tough, I know that awful churning in the stomach so well, the not being able to eat & the horrible anxiety. What I found helped is to get outdoors & have as much fun as possible with dc's. Having fun helps us to stay in the moment & switches off the head stuff. Another thing that really really helped me is meditation. It switches off the horrible thoughts in the head & helps you feel really calm. Try to meditate when dc's are asleep or also baths are v calming (lavander is generally great or use an uplifting oil such as bergamot). Sprinkle a few drops on your pillow & around the house & burn them in burners around the house. When you are relaxed try to feel the feeling in the pit of your stomach & see what it is that is really causing your anxiety. Allow yourself to feel the feelings i.e. rejection, abandonment, etc. You could also try journaling these feelings to help let them go.

Mumfun, sorry things are not good for you atm. Sending you hugs (()). You're a strong woman, this too shall pass!

Little, hope all goes well for you today & that you get good news.

Starting thankyou for that . You may be right about solicitor route but so far when you strip away the nastiness exh is being ok its the maintenance thats next and I now have to make a list of outgoings and we go from there.Doesnt your exh have to go to court to reduce payments thats what my solicitor said? Anyway I shall try to keep away from handing over to solicitors just yet and see what his final suggestion is inc maintenance.

Everyone has said OW isnt going to last and I think she gave him impetus to leave although I think my case is different in that he was clearly unhappy for some time in our maarriage and she wasnt the cause of our split. He started confiding in her about his woes about us and the rest is history. I know an emotional affair is just as significant but I am glad they didnt get together until after he left.

My cousin split from her exh similar time and it seems nobody else is involved so she doesnt have OW pain to deal with. On the other hand she isnt moving on really because in the back of her mind she wonders if he will come back and doesnt seem to be moving through the stages of grief et. At least for me although its been tough I have faced up to facts from the word go.

Another man isnt the answer and even when reading posts on here about Match etc I never feel tempted and actually being on MN has had the opposite effect and how I would trust someone again I dont know. I suppose it would just be nice if there was someone to say "you look nice" or compliment you on a meal or laugh at something you say and I am ashamed to admit even though these comments might be forthcoming from a friend they would feel nicer from a man

Anyway I am going to get a shower and as you suggest go for a walk and focus on all the things in my life to be grateful for instead of fixating on this neverending saga of my marriage breakdown

Tough I find meditation brilliant I say meditation but its just lying down listening to tinkly music with my eyes shut and looking for positive serene (I know you love that)stuff to occupy my mind. I also agree writing stuff down helps and making a list of cons of exh so that you can think ok I am going through this stuff but hers why its worth it if that makes sense.

Getting, glad you're feeling better & going to get out & about. It's finally stopped raining here so heading out myself now aswell. Afaik if the maintenance is only agreed between yourselves & then they reduce it then they do not have to go back to court. My xh used to just send me maintenance & it was only sorted in court a few mts ago so he didn't need to go to court to agree reduction. Tbh my xh would be v generous & also thought we'd get back together so was paying v high maintenance to begin with. He started at £3000 pm & also paid mortgage! I wasn't stupid enough to think that would ever last! Saying that, if you can agree it between yourselves it will cut down on wasting a lot of money on solicitors fees!

I agree that the presence of an ow prob helps a lot to move forward. As long as I thought xh had been faithful I found it v hard to let go & move on.

Ok name changed again tougher becomes patience.

Feeling better today handed my problems over to my higher power last night and trying to roll with things a bit more

Starting you are so right about me needing to go out a walk ,that is my whole life and i havent enjoyed my trees and fields since it started raining a fortnight ago.So we are taking the dog up the woods soon.I also need to eat healthy food.I have just shut down in that dept and living on toast and chocolate,not good.

I think i just got so overwhelmed because i have some major decisions to make in the near future some that i havent spoken about here ,and i guess i am just frightened that i make the wrong decisions and it affects my happiness and my kids happiness and stability.2 very different lifestyles ahead of us deciding what decision i make re job one will follow my heart and keep career that i have always had other one is huge risk but much better financial opportunities and possibility of financial independence .I think the emotion i feel most is fear and this is a negative energy and often there is no need to worry its never as bad as you think

Plus people are walking round my house to view it which just adds to the stress .i arrived home today with people in my garden out playing with my dog !Weekend will be really busy with people viewing,so its not like i have any real privacy ATM and i think it just all got on top of me.
So I knelt and prayed last night for a long time ,i guess that is my meditation.I just want some peace to chill.Going to my counsellor on monday to help get a bit more grounded,not seen him since about April .Want to proceed with divorce but have arranged to meet X to bring him up to date with all the official stuff so far.Just want to give him a final chance to say his thoughts and then i know he is fully aware of his family's situation.I dont have to do this ,he has put me thru so much pain i just want out now .....but as startin says because there is no OW i have lived with the hope of a reconcilliation due to the whole MLC turning 40yo and going off the rails shite.
I think the biggest difference this time is i have seen a sol and i feel like a single woman.But i think after suffering 9mths of Xs revelations and general arseholery I need to take back control of my life and embrace the woman i have become .

LC thankyou so much for your kind advice ,thankyou for replying to me this morning

Likewise Gettin' i am prob in the same situation as your cousin ,I have to decide if i want to throw the towel in, re any hope left

I just think I am bound to be emotional ATM but next year will bring me peace and i will remember this stage as the challenge that it was.Spring 2011 ....... I shall meditate and visualise spring flowers and warm sunshine x

hey everyone, one msg last night then I was so tired I went to bed, just caught up on the thread now.....

LC, really hope the hosp went ok

Starting, what you said about XH's and OW is so true. My XH has ow now although she was not the reason for the break, but I do harbour resentment that they have each other and I am alone, your point about moving forward by recovering properly is really insightful. I actually want a physical fling to prove I've still got something (self esteem has been in my boots at various stages in the last year), but nothing longterm.

And I do realise that I have the most wonderful reasons to get up in the morning which are the DDs - I feel sorry for XH in a way that he can't kiss them goodnight or whatever, even though he voted with his feet

hey ho

Patience, emotional is the least we are allowed, don't think it is good for the soul to bottle to much up, getting it out of the system with whatever method suits you is the way forward

Patience it sounds like such a mixture you have going on there although to my stuck in limbo ears having choices sounds exciting as well as being nerve racking ! Horrible having people looking around your house but reading between the lines you dont sound attached to the house..?

Well walk didnt work and I have been withdrawn and tearful in a pit of self pity about how he has great job, ow and freedomn to please himself meanwhile I dont. Even dcs feel of no comfort and I didnt even kiss them goodbye when he picked them up for the weekend. As per yesterdays posts with strength comes anger and today the desire for revenge . If I could do something to hurt him or get at him to prick his bubble of "oh I am so happy now I do hope you find someone too" I havent really felt this raw hatred for sometime and I hope its hormones /events of the day because its such a pointless way to feel.

Yes mummy think a fling would be just the thing never really had one of those but sounds nice. After 17 years thought of shagging someone different is soooo scary a good friend in RL says I need to break the (cant remember word she used)and get back in the saddle.

Hello all. Thanks for the messages of support. Just checking in for a quick update as I'm going out at 7.30 with a couple of friends.

I had a mammogram this morning. I started to tell the radiographer where the lump was but she said, don't worry I've already felt it - which gave me that sinking feeling . Then I had an ultrasound and the doctor said she could see the lump clearly but she thought it looked as if it might be a cyst . Anyway, I have to go back next Wednesday to see my consultant and have the diagnosis confirmed one way or the other by having a biopsy. So I shall try to put it out of my mind for now.

XP came with me. We had a little chat afterwards and he agreed he would have to move into a flat. He's still living in hotels at the moment. I reminded him of what he'd thrown away and he started crying . Well, you reap what you sow. I also told him I was planning to tell OW's H as he still hasn't got a clue. That probably made XP sh*t himself!

I'll try and pop back later unless it's too late or I'm too drunk.

getting, sorry you're having such a rubbish day. Don't know what to say but I'm thinking of you.

getting, I get furious on a regular basis with XH and want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me, but then I try to think of the longer term and that I will feel masses better about life when I am no longer tied to him. Can't remember what stage you are at WRT separation/divorce but I am trying to channel the energy of my anger into being as organised and well-informed as possible so that whatever scenario is presented through the divorce process can be dealt with. I seem to recall you have been getting your act together on that front too and that is fantastic, focus on that

Maybe the mantra is I will not waste my enegry on this idiot.....

or even energy

Gettin' i love my house truly wont get another chance to buy something like this again have been here a very long time ,probably sounds more like i have accepted that i have to move on ,that is true .I havent had neighbours for over 15 yrs so that will be a shock,we are very rural.

Just back an 1 1/2hr walk in our woods sat under my beech tree and told him my world and he gave me some energy.He is probably my most grounded friend.Very old and very wise.

Just have to see what happens not really repressing my emotions as opposed to feeling overwhelmed by all the changes if that makes sense,more that i am feeling very unsettled
and was feeling that way b4 i had to see sol etc just a very emotional time for me, but this too shall pass ,we just have to get on with things what else can we do,keep movin' forwards ,I just need to start eating again
and looking after myself a bit better .

Just remember if you give out negative energy you get it back upon you ladies ,i try my best to live by that and that is why the situation i am in now is so painful for me ,all his negative behaviour is changing me into a hard faced bitch ,that i never was, just to keep going everyday....i know it will get easier but right now its bloody tough just had another situation to sort out while i was writing this re Xs behaviour,x3 phonecalls from 3 different people.... you truly couldnt make it up x

Patience - great new name. Thanks for the sympathy. Sorry you have so many desisions. if I go ahead with permanent split, so do I. very hard not to be settled and grounded otherwise when you have spinning H and spinning life to deal with. And the adrenalin is awful- I had that for the first few months of finding out about OW - my body was just in primitive overdrive -awful.

LC - hope for good news soon. And I would tell OW H unless 1) any violence might be caused by it 2) it makes your position any worse

MummyIlub I used to get madly angry - now not so. You have to work thru the anger or it will come out in illness and bad effects on you. It is scary though all these new feelings that I for one hadnt experienced to these levels before

Getting We did have a lovely meet in London -found it really good

Starting I must try some sort of meditation again - probably I will use classical music as part of it as I find that very calming. In the first few months I went to yoga and it only brought out all the anger in me - so avoided any such activities for a while.

Thanks for all kind wishes - today was a better day and much calmer.

One thing someone commented on further back was about being affected by their period - in the first few months after discovery having my period sent me into a dreadful spiral of sadness and feeling sh*t. So watch out for yourselves at this time - worth getting some supportive company around.

Getting. Yes it does seem they have it all ie OW to go to plus still right to see kids a lot. But in my situation - not crystal clear on yours, my H doesnt have his integrity, everyone knows hes lied and cheated. Even my DD has said recently (not what Ive said ) that Daddy had behaved badly as he made her mummy cry and it was all Daddys fault.( I may have said it was his fault a long time ago in anger) but as my counsellor says they KNOW. And will continue to know in the future

Hope Chairmum and baba are well

Hugs to all other dumplings!

Hello ladies, I've been out all day. Hope it is a cyst LC, keep us updated and enjoy your night out

"my H doesnt have his integrity, everyone knows hes lied and cheated" Oh yes everyone knows with my H too, he definitely made it far worse as well, with the months of lies after the separation as well, as he couldn't admit the truth to anyone and fabricated even larger lies. Made him look like such a wally when the truth finally came out. Makes me feel better for sure!

Well I need to go and eat.

Lovely name Patience, glad you had a long walk today. Please look after yourself Patience.

Sorry if I've missed some stuff, having trouble retaining everything I've read

Thanks Tea. writing it all down helps me try and make sense of stuff ,hope everyone has a good weekend x

aarrrghh bloody hell - i feel so out of the loop - frantically trying to catch up on thread, my laptop charger broke and I have not been able to use it for a couple of days - have had to use phone but that is rubbish for this sort of stuff but I have it back now

LC - hope you are out having a fabby time, keeping fingers crossed for you.

patience - you sound like such a lovely spiritual person.

getting - re revenge, H left because he did not feel the butterflies for me anymore. I am going to get him a butterfly framed photo for his house warming present for his new flat

mumfun - glad to hear you are feeling better

waves to tea - i have trouble keeping up too - by the time I scroll down thepage and i have forgotten what i wanted to write. keeping up with you lot is better than that brain traing stuff on those computer games

btw i think it was mummy who mentioned a fling - is it bad to say i think that is just what i need too !!!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIAP364nxEo

Waves to all.........

Just to clarify, I meant that I do not think it would be wise to try & fix the emotional pain with another man i.e. it's important to grieve the relationships we lost before entering another one. Saying that I think a fling could be just what the Dr would order for most of us! In fact, anyone that read the back threads will know I engaged in some pleasures of the flesh last year .

Getting, again I would say to you what has your xh of meaning in his life?? When people break their vows or treat the person they are meant to love with complete disrespect & without regard for their feelings or the hurt their decisions may cause dc's, well I don't believe they go waltzing off happily into the sunset. Your h may have ow but starting a relationship as he did indicates there is no respect, trust, loyalty, decency or commitment. I for one would not like to be starting a new life/relationship built on such a shallow foundation. You have nothing to feel envious about re your xh's life. The decisions he has made will prob haunt him for a long time to come & hinder any true happiness. You on the other hand will be able to move on from this without carrying any baggage. It is good that you are feeling the pain, that is a more natural way to be feeling after a long term relationship ending, it's part of the healing process. Just be kind to yourself.

Tough, I love the new name . I am also prone to eating crap but lately have been trying to drink loads of water & herbal teas. Am eating loads of green veg & salads etc. Have been pushing dc's to eat more varied food i.e. stirfrys etc to make sure we're all eating a bit healthier

Mumfun, glad you are feeling a bit better .

LC, that sounds v positive, hope you manage to have a nice night out now tonight.

Mummy, you sound like you've a v positive attitude. It is indeed so nice to wake up to dc's & know you have done you're v best for them

Waves to Tea

Ooops Waves to Armbow, glad you've laptop sorted & good to see you back.

Armbow, that was one of the songs I posted at one of DJ Happy's music nights . Very apt.

Btw Getting, the best revenge is to come to a place of forgiveness. You are then free of all self destructive feelings & truly able to move forward with your life . However the best way to get to that place is by allowing yourself time to first feel all those awful feelings of anger, bitterness, hatred etc.. I think it's ok to feel them but it's always better not to act out on them. Saying that there were times I failed to live up to this . We're only human afterall