ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Happy, do you really think we could sell the idea?? That people would actually come to a group of DUMPLINGS for marital guidance .............PMSL

Marital guidance? Easy - DON'T DO IT! And if you must, sign a pre-nup. That's my advice.

Hoping today is a good one for us all. My ds is fine now. Only one episode of vomitting which was at school but he has to be 48 hours clear before he returns so we all get a lie-in this morning.

XP is coming to parents' evening with me tonight and then we're going to take ds out together to show a united front. However, there are two tricky subjects I want to broach. Firstly, I want him to tell ds that he's not coming home and that it is his decision not mine. Do you think that's fair? Secondly, I want some maintenance from him. How much shall I ask for? He's on £40k a year but only takes home £1700 as the rest is paid in a bonus at the end of the year. I know CSA say 15% of take home pay but I was hoping for a bit more. What do you think? I want to ask for £400.

Any advice appreciated.

I thought it was 20% LC? I don't think you should finalise anything monetary wise yet, just ask him to start sending you some money and make sure he does but keep it not too formal as once the divorce starts, the solicitor will agree what is best for you and DCs, so don't make him think whatever you ask tonight is for good IYSWIM here? You don't want him thinking he's got a cushy deal, whatever you agree now is very necessary so you can make ends meet and feed, clothe kids etc but it won't and can't be the final decision on money.

Have you had a free initial appointment at a solicitors yet? Or visited the citizens advice bureau, it is well worth finding out exactly what you're eligible for and should be getting from your H and or Government.

You don't need to go through the CSA (which you probably know already) but if you do decide to though, they can take the 20% directly from him but if he wants to give you more, he still can send you more each month by giving it directly to you. As opposed to through the CSA, so the 20% arrives in your account each month from the CSA but he can give you more himself as well if he wishes. I think until you scrutinise your bank accounts really well and have looked into everything you're eligible for really well, it's best not to agree to anything. Can you survive on £400 for example?

Hope tonight goes well, I'm not sure how much you should tell your child tonight personally, I'm not an expert as mine are so young but certainly being honest that he's not coming home but loves him very much and will see him on X,Y and Z agreed days and times each month is a good starting point. But someone else with older children than mine might have a better idea, I just think it's best not to burden them with too much, as it may hurt/ effect them more or make them doubt, what if daddy stops loving me and stops seeing me too etc. Maybe I worry too much though and I am completely wrong? I can't remember how old your DS is

Anyway enough of my worrying and rambling another wiser dumpling will come by later.

Actually, we're not married so there will be no divorce. We just have to agree the money side of things then that's it. I could manage on £400 as I have my own income and substantial savings. He, on the other hand, is useless with money and has substantial debts! Our ds is 9.

Aswell as seeing XP tonight he is also coming to the hospital withh me tomorrow. I discovered a lump in my breast last week so the next few days are going to be stressful.

Ahhh I see, well if he's terrible with money do it through the CSA, so you can always be sure to get what you deserve/ need.

Hope everything goes well at the hospital and it is benign. Do you know yet how long it will all take? Are they doing a biopsy tomorrow? Glad he's coming for support, will it be ok to have him with you?

Good advice from Tea

LC Definitely get legal advice before agreeing any maintenance - they always say on Mumsnet that women who come to informal arrangements are the ones who get done. Hope hospital appointment goes as well as poss and its positive having XP there.

WIth regard to telling children - mine were very young. We simply said Daddy was going to live and would see them They did express sadness etc for a year and would still say when can we see ? but have accepted the situation overall.

Hope all vomiting comes to an end for all dumplings as its something that you can do without!

Grrr having a very bad morning as have put 2 and 2 together and think H has played me about something. Very angry this am. Not sure. Can only tackle him Sunday evening which is frustrating! Need to seee the whites of his eyes.

Otherwise lots of little parties and end of term stuff which is fun. DD very tired but mostly happy. Looking for ward to staying in bed in morning and having duvet ddays as well as days out.

Waves to all other dumplings!

Hello everyone and welcome to all new dumplings the thread has been a hive of activity since I was last on . I have had family staying so have been slaving away having fun cooking and entertaining. All you dumplings with little ones I have been having a refresher course on a baby and a toddler in the house and its sooo much more demanding - hats off to you as Tough and a number of other MNers have said you are amazing !

Well I finally gathered the courage to speak to the solicitor and find out if any of exhs nasty threats held water and as I had hoped they dont. I have realised just how scared I have been in dealing with him and how I have been treading on eggshells these 6 months. I had told myself it was in the name of amicability but what I realise now is that I just havent been able to stand up to him

However the threats etc he made a fortnight ago have angered me sufficiently that I have been propelled out of that haze of "ooh I musnt say that or upset him" into he can fuck right off . Finding out from solicitor he cant screw me over and brush with ow at the weekend have put me in a new phase.

He rang me late last night demanding to know why I hadnt told him its DDs sports day today and when I said I couldnt talk to him about it now (last night with family)he started being rude so I hung up.

I find it incredible that he can issue untold threats over the financial settlement which he knew I would be upset about and then be expecting me to keep him up to speed with everything to do with the dcs. I know there may be some frowning dumplings out there saying I should have told him for dcs sake but I have spent 6 months trying to bridge gap between him and them with snippets of info exams passed etc and yet hes quite happy to shit on me when it comes to settlement without a thought for how much effort I have made and doing the right thing at every turn.

We are due to talk part 2 of the divorce tomorrow and he is going to be quite shocked I think in the difference in my demeanour and how he isnt going to pontificate at me and lay down the law and that at this point goodwill ,as far as I am concerned , is a worthless crock of shit

Sorry Dumplings that is an overdetailed rant I know but its such a huuuuge step for me to feel ready to not be submissive to his views and demands !!

Anyway am off to watch DD run 800m in sports day , her last one at primary school have a feeling exh will turn up so how does it go..
Chin up tits out onward march !!

Oh, good luck gettingeasier. I've got all this financial crap to come. I know I need to get proper legal advice so I will make a solicitor's appointment for next week. I can see how it causes problems though. But kids are expensive, take it from me.

Chin up and tits out for definite. Mine will be out quite literally when I go for my appointment tomorrow.

Well it is good for Dad to be at certain family events for the DCs as well, yes absolutely.

"I know there may be some frowning dumplings out there saying I should have told him for dcs sake" Yes and no. You've finally found a new strength and with it comes the anger, I completely completely understand where you're at, I only reached this point at the beginning of June, prior to that I had kept him fully informed like you about all things related to DCs and arranged lots and lots of family time together etc Honey it's perfectly ok to feel as you do, at the end of the day he has basically left you for another woman and left you to bring up the children on your own. To all intents and purposes he's opted out of full time fatherhood and with that choice does come consequences too. He can't have it all his way anymore and he's not your best friend anymore either.

You stand up for what you deserve lovely and yes keep him informed of big things like school plays and sports days, send him a text with the dates or an e-mail but just the dates nothing else. But right now I am not surprised you did what you did. I suddenly went down to only letting H see the kids one afternoon a week in June as I felt very about everything It's all stages that you go through on a relationship ending that we thought was for life And now we've been betrayed in the most painful way.

Update went to sports day saw twunt there but managed to avoid him . Undeniably sad for DD to see us there separatly and to think what a happy family we were when my dcs began at that school.

Due to raincoat issues was unable to perform tits out routine.

Tea thankyou. Yes thats exactly it with strength has come anger and loathing and as you say I feel why should I facilitate things with dcs all the time and yes part of the consequences of his choice to leave is he misses out on stuff.
Apart from anything else if I had rung him about it I would WITHOUT A DOUBT been treated to a long speech about how busy at work he is and how hard it will to get away etc etc reminding me how for me not working its easy.

Yes tea you are right about the seemimgly never ending stages of a relationship I thought was for life.I said to mum when will I have a solitary day where I dont think about anything to do with all this .

LC good luck tomorrow I feel a bitto be going on when you have that to face up to

Hey, don't worry. I cannot possibly have breast cancer because I simply do not have time for that at the moment! Until I get bad news I will assume I'm going to get good news.

It does put things in perspective though. XP does not have Parental Responsibilty for ds as he has never bothered to apply for it. If anything happened to me then my older kids are nok and they would be very obstructive with XP to say the least. Just another thing to add to his worries and yes, I have pointed it out to him.

LC good luck tomorrow,loving your positivity girl !!

Gettin' loving your empowerment ,I just feel they reap what they sow ....END OF !Dont feel guilty ....at the end of the day its end of term ...sports days happen ,he will have been to several ,im guessing they were all about this time of year ,its not like he couldnt have texted you FFS ,LOL!

My X will def miss my PA skills re every bloody dept of his life ROFL

All part of the emotional fallout ,they nearly kill us with their selfish hedonistic behaviour,then it will nearly kill them when they start to feel the consequences and real guilt of there stupidity .Yes they WILL miss out on loads with the kids ....THEY LEFT ...or left us with no option but to throw them out .They had lots of options to be civilised re the way they treated their partners ,they chose to do it their way.They are not good fathers if they lie and manipulate us .They all gambled their family's stability and their kids happiness can you imagine it the other way round Gettin if you had treated him this way and left your kids,imagine phoning him up complaining you hadnt been informed about sports day.We are just so conditioned to accept their massive sense of self importance,it shocks me how long i put up with it .

Empowerment and independence the way to go I reckon,even if i am with another man I will retain my self esteem x

Waves to everyone x

TTT "conditioned to accept their massive sense of self importance " yes yes yes but as per my last couple of posts not any longer. I have given thought to what he can do back to me (it wont occur to him that I would have any right to feel aggrieved)and cant think of anything really . However I am so used to him having the power over me at every level (mummyilubyou your career)that it feels surreal that I might just be indifferent to his controlling and just casually tell him to fuck off without fear of consequences.

mummy also I agree everyone in RL appears to be living perfect lives although I think that mayve been how I looked to others and its sooo nice on here to realise its not just you - tea is watford mostly populated with the happily married ? Just as important as not being a lone dumpling is the similarity / patterns of behaviour amongst our twunts which has shown me I was right about a lot of what was going on in exhs head rather than yeah getting you're just not lovable any longer and I am leaving.

Love it Gettin' you are empowered and shining like a star !

It is so true that we teach people how they can treat us,when we move the goal posts and ask to be treated with respect ,most of the time they will be angry but when we consistently say that behaviour is unacceptable ....we take back some control x

All my good friends are married but they're all honest about their struggles in the marriage but equally all lovely people with hearts of gold and have been so supportive of me and the DCs but Watford itself has vast areas that are seriously deprived and lots of lone parents, a lot of people on the dole in Watford, it's a big town, with a big mix of groups in it. West Watford is quite an ethnic community too, great curry's I live on the outskirts in a village, my area is full of lovely middle class people, so I feel like a bit of a sore thumb out here and the odd one out

My H didn't grow up here, his parents moved every 5 years or less, as he grew up, as they moved for their careers all over the UK and then Switzerland. He was brought up by nannies and Au pairs all of his childhood. His mum is an absent parent and works all hours, she's a ball breaker walks all over H's dad and his dad is totally emasculated in every way, he suffered depression and didn't really talk to H as a teenager. I think H was worried our marriage would turn into theirs, which is one of habit, no affection, arguements and bullying by H's mum. He's screwed up, I under estimated the effect his childhood would have in our marriage. He's always run away from anything too hard or given up. Did the same in his marriage. Escaped into a fantasy world with a 21 yr old student and ran away from responsibility.

Crikey tea you are grinning at being odd one out surely that isnt a church girl profile ?

Just as an aside Butterfly World which I think is near Watford is a lovely tranquil place and I have seen lots of little dcs having fun there.

Hmmm far too tied up in my own anxiety about show down pending in the morning where I am new non doormat to be able to give proper consideration to your second posting - sounds complicated and post wine cant cope !!!

evening all

to the gang

career is great I have to say, I am incredibly lucky in that sense. but also miss my dds a lot, grass is never greener...

Am also surrounded by happy middle class families in a town not far from Watford funnily enough. My DD1 does get upset that she is the only one whose daddy doesn't live at home .

I have a stupid worry that my friends will evaporate as I am not part fo a couple, shows how utterly conditioned I am to being defined that way

The true friends will be there for you... the feeble ones wont be able to think for themselves LOL !

Waves to all......our number has increased at a frightening rate . I'm also living in an area surrounded by happily married folk! In fact dd goes to a small school & as far as I know I'm the only separated parent in whole school! Same is true at the playschool younger dc's go to. For dc events it can be hard for dc's but there's nothing I can do about it except reassure dc's. Even though I'm good friends with loads of the mums at my dd's school I usually bring someone with me to events so that I'm not the only parent on my own.

Mummy, I did loose a lot of friends but I can see now in hindsight that they were never really friends anyway & they pulled back to do with their own insecurities rather than anything to do with me.

Little, best of luck for tomorrow.

Getting, glad you found out from sol that things will not be as bad as you expected

Mumfun, sad to hear your h has done something to upset you . Hope you get it resolved soon.

Tough, yes selfish, self-centred behaviour seems to be a common trait amongst twunts!

Tea, unfortunately our childhoon experiences can have a huge impact on our adult lives. It sounds to me like your h has unresolved Mother issues!

Getting you're not a million miles from Watford either are you. We could have a dumpling meet up

I am worried like mummyilubyou that once my DCs get into school and slightly older, they will realise how much of the "odd one out" they are, with no dad at home

I suppose as my H became friends with all my existing friends and is now ashamed in a way of what he's done, eh's withdrawn from my friend circle completely and doesn't see any of them.

Getting I am a church girl I go to church

*he's

Grrr Im not normally like this now. Ive had the worst day Ive had for 6 months. Grrr again!

Cant say exactly what it is.H has been talking some sort of reconciliation. But he may have blown it totally this time. Trouble is its complex and I may be overeacting -but I dont think so.

Grrrr again -sorry!