AB, sad you had a horrible night.
I think crying can sometimes be cathartic though so it's not a bad thing to do that when you feel like it.
Your H sounds very selfish and may well wonder what he's done when those butterflies lose their colour and drop to the ground.
It might feel scary without him and I felt the same for quite a long time during XH's gaslighting phase. But I also felt much better when I started to focus on me and the DCs and left him to fester elsewhere.
I was reading Red this morning and there was an article on what you'd do if you just had one month to live. Obviously that's not where any of us are but it did make me think about the need to focus on things that you enjoy and matter to you.
Now, in your situation you may think that H matters and so the idea of that could make you sad. But in reality you and the DCs are the ones that matter and there are ways that you can start to enjoy yourself and have some good times. It's just one step at a time. If it helps, after yet another dramatic triangle incident with Bald Eagle some months ago (I've stopped being drawn into those now hopefully) where XH failed to help me with DS, my counsellor said to me "how long ago was it that your XH actually did something for you", and you know I couldn't actually remember it was so long ago - that did make me think a bit and move on in my journey.
So, how to be strong and move forward...does this help? It helped me (it's a bit self help I know but I like that stuff!)
Sharpen the Saw means preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have--you. It means self-renewal in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual. Here are some examples of activities:
Physical: Beneficial eating, exercising, and resting
Social/Emotional: Making social and meaningful connections with others
Mental: Learning, reading, writing, and teaching
Spiritual: Spending time in nature, expanding spiritual self through meditation, music, art, prayer, or service
As you renew yourself in each of the four areas, you create growth and change in your life. You increase your capacity to produce and handle the challenges around you. Without this renewal, the body becomes weak, the mind mechanical, the emotions raw, the spirit insensitive, and the person selfish.
Feeling good doesn't just happen. Living a life in balance means taking the necessary time to renew yourself. It's all up to you. You can renew yourself through relaxation. Or you can totally burn yourself out by overdoing everything. You can pamper yourself mentally and spiritually. Or you can go through life oblivious to your well-being. You can experience vibrant energy. Or you can procrastinate and miss out on the benefits of good health and exercise. You can revitalize yourself and face a new day in peace and harmony. Or you can wake up in the morning full of apathy because your get-up-and-go has got-up-and-gone. Just remember that every day provides a new opportunity for renewal--a new opportunity to recharge yourself instead of hitting the wall. All it takes is the desire, knowledge, and skill.