ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

I agree i wish all the crap of the last 9 or 10 months hadn't happened but then exh affair had been going on for the 3 years previous and I lived a nightmare of suspicion and anxiety.
So I suppose my life with exh ended almost 4 years ago in reality. It has taken me a long time to realise this and I know there was nothing I could have done to stop it.
Yes knowing there is a finality, whether it be OW or the divorce or sale of the family home, whatever, it makes contemplation of a new life with other people easier and something to look forward to.

Thanks startin' just found a really good website re gaslighting i think i will read read and read some more .............

Tougher the info on gaslighting is great and WWIFN first suggested that this is what I had been going through, I had never heard the term before.
So much of my experience is written in those articles, it has helped me make sense of it all.

Hello ladies, well done Armbow for finding strength!

I plan to keep my Mrs teandcakeplease, as I prefer to have the same name as my kids. Although if I ever meet another man, I don't want to be handed over at wedding as Mrs ...... as that would be horrid. So if I do meet someone else maybe I'll switch my name then?

Access wise I've gone right down to 1 half a day a week with H now, as I got so fed up when the OW came to stay with him for 3 weeks and all my many many months of letting him see them 3 times a week whilst trying to win him back etc. I've just had enough of trying to be nice all the time, decided he doesn't deserve it and the kids do not seem to be so bothered anymore about him and asking less. Not the attitude really I know

Well my place is looking very neat and tidy, decluttering pretty much complete, doesn't take long with a 2 bed flat Want to decorate it now, if I can somehow find enough money to do it myself.

I'm not ready for a relationship, it makes me feel rather horrid even thinking about it. Just want to be alone with my DCs and good friends. I'm not one for casual sex with my church background but Starting, if this is what you want and will make you happy go for it. I'll live vicariously through you!

My little man fell off the sofa whilst I was catching up on dumplings and hit his head on my DDs dressing up shoes, right on the heel, nasty gash and bump coming, so I now feel terrible! But it would've happened anyway with being a lone parent, I'm always doing chores, washing up etc. But I feel so bad now, poor thing

Aww Tea dont feel bad -these things happen.

I do think sometimes though how my DCs are missing out just having one adult to interact with and not 2.

Party - interesting to hear your thoughts on moving on. I think you do change quite quickly sometimes. Im in a complex situation currently but I think Im being healthy. Had a steamy clinch with H recently - and my thoughts were that yes I wanted to do that again soon - but wasnt absolutely focused on it being with him.

Starting - with you on the electronic being nothing like the real thing. Im not quite yet at looking at s*x with others but I think I might succumb to a 12 year known friend. I think definitely shouldnt give false hope to MD.

AB Stay strong today. Be aware that you will have your ups and downs but you can always come on MN for support.

Waves to all other dumplings!

Urghhhh though. For myself I had the first graphic dream last night of OW and telling her she was evil. Where did that come from - why now? I could do without that I really could.

Mumfun, a couple of weeks ago I had a really graphic dream about exh and OW, never had before. I woke up in a right sweat, heart racing. I had been screaming round the streets and at his office about how they were lying, cheating bastards.

I have never confronted OW about the affair and what it has done to me and DC, I never will.

Do you suppose this is my subconscious dealing with the situation?

I remember when my mum died, about 6 months later I had a very vivid and real dream where I was standing facing her over a field and she was waving to me, wind blowing in her hair, it was if she was saying goodbye.

Maybe it is the same with exh dream, and I am at last recognising he is gone forever and that I really do not want him back.

Aww Party - very sad but lovely to dream of your mum.

Yes I suspect our dreams are about processing the details of what has happened.

I have neever confronted OW - never contacted her in any way. I now know she was avoiding me quite a lot over the year and a half I didnt know about the affair.

I know it is likely I will bump into her one day unfortunately - when I was still in anger I would have hit her. Currently I feel like I will spit in her face.

Im told the best response is to live well -maybe I will also grow out of the spitting phase too.

Tea, glad you've got the house decluttered. Your flat sounds fab btw, I absolutely love old buildings they have so much character. Hope you get the funds to redecorate from somewhere . We can't watch dc's 24/7 so give yourself a break, all dc's have accidents. I've had quite a few trips to A&E with all mine........few battle scars to show but they're all intact tg .

Mumfun, must have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster having a clinch with h! Are you still hopeful that things may be resolved? Don't answer if too personal.

Party, definitely think that is the way the subconscious mind processes stuff. I've had loads of weird dreams/nightmares.........

Well, hair is done & I'm looking fab even if I do say so myself. Have just done my nails now & think I might try to meet a friend & go out for something to eat. Re the spa tomorrow, I actually have vouchers that I got two years ago & intended pleading compassion & saying I've been having a breakdown for past 2yrs which is why I never used them but lady who answered phone just said that's fine before I started my speel.........

Had counsellor this morn & feel a lot more clear about the whole sex issue & getting your needs met etc. Haven't done anything yet about putting out feelers for tonight but the night is young as they say.......................TBH will prob just do what Happy suggested previously & stock up in batteries...........

Hope everyone is having a nice day & doing ok......

Mumfun, don't lower yourself to spitting in her face . Picture your dc's watching you if it ever happens & rise above it. Best revenge is indeed to take care of yourself & live well

Agree with Starting, don't even go there, maintain the moral high ground and no one will ever have recourse to lambaste you for it and throw it back at you at some time in the future.

(Oh the things I've plotted to do to OW, ha ha ha!!)

I had a dream about confronting the OW too, as I've never spoken to her or seen her since the affair came out into the open. I dreamt I was driving and telling her in the passenger seat what she had done, I said "do you realise the destruction you've caused to me and my children" as the 21 yr old had spent 4 years texting, calling and e-mailing my H all the while knowing how I never liked how close their relationship was, how inappropriate I thought it was etc. Anyway in my dream she answered me back and I pulled the car over suddenly, climbed over and dragged her half out of the car and started banging her head on the tarmac of the pavement! LOL

Would never ever do this in real life

Party about 4 months after exh left I started to have very very odd dreams mostly about exh sometimes ow would feature but mostly not. I had never in our 17 years dreamt about exh so firstly that it was happening at all was a shock and the weirdness of the dreams was really wearing.
I had heavy sweats too.

I spoke to my therapist about it and as you say it is the subconscious mind trying to process everything. Sorry to say it lasted about a month but its gone now

Tea I dont want to pry so simply pay this no attention if you like are you saying ow was 17 years old when she began texting etc your exh ?

Its odd but I think I have it a bit different from most dumplings in that exh is with a twice divorced mother of 5 kids who is 50 ( I am 44 he is just46)

What is odd about that is exh runs true to most sterotypes about mid life crisis

Fuck off flash sportscar- check
Superbike- check
New clothes etc - check
Young gorgeous bird - no

I think this may be potentially offensive to some dumplings

but it actually has helped me to not obsess over ow because I dont feel threatened by her and think well I am superior to her on most levels not just younger and if exh wants a mother figure fine because I dont want to be a mother figure I want to be a hot chick

Yes indeed getting. However my H apparently didn't fancy her then as she was too young He never looked at her in that light until he bumped into her in Manchester in December 2008 once she was at University Those are his words but they'd been contacting each other on and off and much more on, many many times in those 4 years and I always felt very about it all.

My exh OW is 7 years younger than me, I am 45 although everyone says I look much younger. I haven't been threatened by her appearance at all. I know I look good for my age.
She has been described by some as ordinary and that you wouldn't look twice at her.
Maybe they were just being kind, but I don't care. I've seen photos and met her once years ago, she is really quite plain, no hottie!!

On my Mid Life crisis site they say that the affair isnt about what the OW is like. Its all about the failure to navigate midlife of the WS (wayward spouse) - all to do with facing old age, maybe dash of depression, not having faced life and family issues when teenager, other personal issues not dealt with. The OW becomes symbol of new life and hope and casting off the old. Some men do go for the young girls but many dont - they go for women with low integrity who are prepared to date married men and make themselvees available.

I know my OW - but she was always quite cool to me but not to my husband - surprise surprise.

Waves to everyone .Had another quite productive day but skint my elbows on a very fast slide at soft play[they are smothered now in tea tree and aloe gel],forgot to mention yesterday i was showing ds how to jump up the kerb on a bmx{age 3-5yo}i was ok on the flat but pulled a wheelie on the approach and flipped over backwards landing spectacularly on my arse ,thank god i didnt break any bones ,will have to save up for my own size bike ,if i keep my hood up im sure no one will know i am approaching 40 yo, ramps look to good to miss lol !2 smug marrieds were sitting chatting at park b4 wheelie incident{everyone had left by that time tg}and ds comes over cos his chain is off again,not a problem to a dumpling ,put it back on and whizzed around the park on dinky bike b4 giving it back to ds.Couldnt help but notice the smugs were slighty shocked/thoroughly impressed by my skills,then my ego got the better of me re wheelie......dinky bmxs are a great leveller....pride comes b4 a prang i always say....Chin up !tits out !

Re OW .....any other woman is frankly going to be rather dull after me ,if the grass is greener over there so be it ,cos its pretty LUSH where i am

the cave mumford and sons lyrics
I know I have posted this before I think it is inspired by Plato's Cave google it if youre not familiar,just think its is very apt for anyone recovering from the affects of gaslighting.
Come out of your cave and walk tall !

Oh, Tougher, you could be right and I am walking taller now I am out in the light!

Bless you PT its amazing what happens when you take the GL out the equation we learn to trust our instincts again.

I understand the line about "the sirens" to be about the fact that the sexual attraction clouded my judgement for years.

If i resist that temptation i will be truly free x

I truly believed in my exh and our marriage, he was always so sincere and loving, treated me really well, or so it seemed. I was blinded by him and now see that. He deceived me with such skill and ease, but they say love is blind, and I agree.
I am a very trusting person and I have difficulty with others in a way as I am possibly too open. So although this brave new me does exist, there is a tiny part that feels scared of being so close to someone again or letting an undesirable in.
My instincts did serve me well eventually, eventhough I was lied to so convincingly, the truth did come out.
But I have to say that those same instincts are a little unsure at present. I need to learn to trust them again.
This is my only reservation with my current dating situation, what if I get it wrong?

I just think you will get out quick if its not for you Party ,i dont think i wont ever love again ,i just think i will have a more grown up attitude if you like ,less Stepford more independent x

{Cringe at how Stepford I became trying to fix his behaviour, back in the day}

I was Stepford in that my world revolved around him, playing the perfect corporate wife, very smart, intelligent, hostess with the mostest, perfect mother, basically everything he wanted.
I played that role so well, what a fool. I am now putting myself first, especially as my DC are away at Uni most of the time.
For the first time in my life I am the one being selfish

I would call it becoming your own top priority or positive independent living,nourishing yourself and thinking about spending time developing as a woman ,not wasting time on the past ,cutting the cords . Smelling the flowers and feeling the sun in your face,hearing the wind in the trees and the bird song.Taking your shoes off and standing on your lawn right now,feeling the sensation of the grass under your feet ,giving thanks for your day and all the things we have in life x