Attractive Au Pair making me feel jealous!

[MrsMopple]

It's very early days with the au pair - she arrived on Tuesday. She's young and attractive and ds seems to really like her. I am 31 weeks pregnant, grumpy, sleeping badly and 40. My ankles disappeared weeks ago and I feel unattractive.
Dh usually spends his evenings on the computer, leaving me to deal with ds, but he has become very interested in spending time playing with ds now that the au pair is here and spending time with ds. I'm feeling jealous and I hate it! (Not least because I'll be having a planned c section in a few weeks, leaving dh and au pair alone for as long as I'm in hospital for - last time it was a week.)
I'm tempted to tell dh how I'm feeling, but I imagine I'll just get told that I'm being paranoid and that he's just being friendly. And the irony is that I said I needed help for when the babies arrive and we settled on an au pair for cost reasons, so I imagine I'll get that thrown back at me, too.

I have hired many au pairs in my time and, between you and me, the application from the tall slim 19 year old Brazilian beauty who wanted to come to London to apply for modelling jobs went straight in the bin.

Since you failed to monitor the applications closely enough ;-) do what an earlier poster suggested and ensure that the au pair is given other tasks, or told that she is not needed any more for the day, once your DH is engaging nicely with DS, leaving you free to join in the family play.

As a bloke, I would advise going for IsGraceAvailable @ Thu 01-Jul-10 17:53:23

I was once an (apparently very attractive) 19 year old and I can remember loving the attention of the many 30+ males around me. Thinking back, it is awful the comments, flirtaation etc that they made and really cruel on their wives. But I was 19 (or around that age) and really didnt give a damn.

An attractive 19 year old may not want a long term relationship with a 30+ male, but the fact that you can attract him and make him really want you can be really nice. I remember it well. I can remember walking around in hot pants and revelling in the attention of any age men in an innocent kind of way. If I had been an au pair it would have been the same.

I would hate it op and I feel for you. I trust my dh 100% but even he could fall for an attractive young women who was good with kids. The trust comes that I truly believe he would separate with me before anything happened but I would not say that I would be 100% sure that he wouldnt fall for a girl in that position.

I am definitely the jealous type and I would not be happy. Can't help it!

However, she's here now and it would be deeply unfair to get rid just because she's attractive.

Give her as much time off as you can in these earlier weeks before the twins, introduce her to as many handsome young men as you can, and there's a good chance she'll find a younger boyfriend.

I wouldn't be able to not tell DH either. I would have to say to him that his sudden interest was p*ssing me off. I like to get things out and honest, though, not everyone's cup of tea.

I'm surprised that intelligent women either think (or are pretending to think) that passing a stranger in the street poses the same risk of falling in love as seeing someone every day in intimate surroundings.

I pass no comment on anything else other than the fact that a woman pregnant with twins should feel comfortable in her own home.

This thread does not hold men up in a very good light does it ! I am just glad i am too poor to have ever considered an au pair ! Men will always be in awe of beautiful girls but i would think in most cases the girls would just not be interested !
This post did make me think of jude Law and his nanny though !

Bloody hell, what a lot of depressing attitudes on this thread - with no offence meant to op who is entitled to her feelings.

Of course all 19 year olds are lissome young sirens just gagging to jump into bed with their 30+ year old employers.

Christ almighty.

Is there some malfunction in the brains of some mners that makes them think that any description of a specific situation is equivalent to a universal statement?

If I start a thread about how I particularly enjoy sunflower seeds on bread will I have to read through loads of halfwits suggesting sarcastically that I think ALL seeds are sunflower seeds and that ALL bread must have seeds in it?

I feel like the old man in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Don't you people have even the faintest grasp of logic?

Secunda- FWIW I think your posts have been entirely logical and reasonable and I agree wholeheartedly.

Do you think he could be spending more time with your ds when she's there because he's wary of trusting her with him?

Unless I have missed something here, I don't think anyone is suggesting Mrsmopple fires her au pair purely and simply because she is pretty.

Isn't the issue here the reaction/changes in her DH - which have been raised by the OP herself. She is not feeling comfortable in her own home.

This may be down to having someone living with her, and perhaps she would feel the same whoever it is - minger or not. I've never had an au pair but I bet it's hard to share your home with another woman.

But I am quite surprised how many MNers think that when you are pregnant you can't trust your instincts.

I also think a DH should be going out of his way to make his heavily pregnant wife feel valued, not worrying disproportionately about the au pair.

As many people here have said, the DH needs to know how she feels, and shape up.

I dont think all men are unfaithful. And I dont think pretty young girls are "dangerous". BUT

... I do think that if your OH acts like a bit of a fool, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, in your own home (!), just when you are feeling quite vulnerable, something has to change.

I had a very pretty Au Pair for a year. She was friendly and businesslike to me, and flirty with DH, without ever overstepping the mark though. She clearly enjoyed the male attention. He enjoyed her attention, but I never had a "worried" gut feeling, also, the set up we had was that she would be with kids, so I could go out with DH or be with baby and help with chores. She did not spend much time (if ever) on her own with DH. As, if DH was home to look after the kids, she would have a break. No need for two adults to be on the job.

I mean, I would NOT have done the washing while she is in pool with DH and kids. That is just somehow wrong.

The washing can wait. Do it later. Or Ask her to do it, or ask your DH to help you. She is not there to take your place. YOU get in the pool with your DH and kids, and SHE can have a break if you are both at home and busy with your family, right?!

Make sure you establish what is "normal" at the start.

i was an aupair
the dad was a dad
he was NOT nic looking
i was not interested

I'm a ahemfatcough nanny and my bosses and all their friends are skinny beautiful people all with disorders of various kinds and almost comedic paranoia. I'm under no illusions one reason I was hired is to to Be No Threat to any of the wives

The funny thing is I think all of the husbands are shagging their secretaries/groupies anyway, they have over inflated egos and nank accounts and can have whatever/whoever they want (they think). I work for bosses in a particular social circle and am exposed to some eye watering things. Wouldn't touch any of them with a barge pole, even though a few are quite nice eye candy. Knowing them as people puts me right off though.

On a serious note though, OP should talk to her DH as the insecurities seem to stem from pre-au pair issues.

your employers sound horrible wrinklyraisin

hope they pay you well!!

They're quite nice really. Just the social circle/lifestyle is not one I would choose for myself. I just get on with my job and bask in the glory of knowing all the other mums are dead jealous that I'm a good nanny and they all have terrible underpaid au pairs

This is exactly why I would never have an au pair.
I think you've been very brave coping up to this point, I would have already caused a scene with my DP in this situation.

Au pairing has changed a lot in the last 10 years tbh. There's a lot less of the integrating into the family, eldest daughter, joining in vibe. Make sure your AP has a schedule, a list of chores and a good social circle, preferably including a few hot 20 somethings.

FWIW I left a nanny job once because the dad was weird and made me feel uncomfortable/the mother was freezing cold cos she thought I was trying to steal her husband though.... It's probably not the au pairs fault. Do tell her she can step away if your DH comes to play with DS - it might alleviate the pressure. And befriend her as if anything had the potential to happen she's less likely to act if you're nice than if you're horrible!

On a completely separate note another ex boss told me, when she was replacing me, she only hired slim, pretty nannies. I took that as a backwards compliment...

If it's making you feel uncomfortable then something should be done, it's not fair on you.

Blimey skidoodly, why so cross? It's merely an observation and plenty people here have implied exactly that.

I know plenty of people who au paired as teens (including my best friend and sister) and the last thing on their minds would be getting it on with the husband/partner - too busy doing their jobs.

That said of course it happens, which is not the same as saying it will happen. As helicopterview says, onus is on the husband to reassure op and behave appropriately.

whats the point of having an au pair if she makes things worse not better?

put you first not some 19 year old that you dont even know. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but you dont owe her anything

But I think the issue her is DP, you need to have WORDS

good luck , not what you need is it?

I think with childcare, as with everything else, you get what you pay for

were you paying 2500 (guessing!) for a professional nanny you would not have this shit

thats not a dig BTW, just a difft way of looking at it

but putting aside jealousy, will this really work for you?

is she cleaning, pulling weight?

after the pool frolic story have a different view!

You definitely need a clear schedule for her and get her to integrate in your world by finding other young people o chat with and focus on.

When she's playing with DS and your DH comes and joins them, ask her to come and help you with a task and say DH can look after DS alone. If your Dh protests or seeks her company constantly I'd think of having a word with him. After all, it is your house and you should be happy with the arrangements.

Can I just ask why you hired a pretty au pair in the first place if makes you uneasy.

Personally I agree with secunda. No man is infallible. But as AF said: if he gets his hands dirty he's a twat who doesn't deserve better.

Blimey, I didn't think this would kick off in the way it has - it was more that I wanted to get it off my chest and didn't feel able to in real life. Having posted in haste and reflected at leisure, I think jealous was possibly the wrong word to use!

I don't think that my dh wants to shag the au pair

I don't think that she is in any way interested in him in that way, either.

I do feel irritated that he has time for ds at the moment that he wouldn't normally have, but that could well be due to not wanting to be seen as being a crap hands off type dad in front of someone else. Actually, me and dh were out with some friends last night and he was fussing about me getting my feet up etc in a way that he doesn't do at home, probably because friends were commenting on how uncomfortable my legs looked - back to the not wanting to look bad in front of others!

I suppose I have always been a person who just gets on with things, so I don't ask for help. Over time, dh has obviously come to the conclusion that I don't want or need any, so doesn't bother to offer these days.

I'll keep an eye out over the next few days for things that make me uneasy and bring them to dh's attention - because if I don't tell him, he won't realise. And maybe I'm just feeling a bit sensitive because at the moment, ds wants to do things with the au pair rather than me - possibly the novelty factor and the fact that when he asks her, she says yes of course and does it, not 'in a minute ds, I've just got to do x,y,z first'

Like I said earlier, bringing someone else into your home gives you quite a brutal insight into your family dynamics, and I'm sure that would be the case however attractive or otherwise that person might be.

Why don't you pull your dh close in bed, purr that you really loved the way he fussed about you and made you feel so well looked after. That you enjoyed the evening with him and love it when he looks after you. Just stroke him a bit and get him to focus on you.

As other posters said: those twins wouldn't be where they are if he didn't want it

I know what you say about the novelty factor and bringing in strangers to your home. We have been living abroad for a while and always had staff: maids, driver, etc It will take a while to get used to sharing your home but remember: it is still your home and you are his wife and DS mum, no au pair, nothing in the world will change that.

Good luck for the birth and I hope it all pans out well!