Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Attractive Au Pair making me feel jealous!

187 replies

MrsMopple · 01/07/2010 17:32

It's very early days with the au pair - she arrived on Tuesday. She's young and attractive and ds seems to really like her. I am 31 weeks pregnant, grumpy, sleeping badly and 40. My ankles disappeared weeks ago and I feel unattractive.
Dh usually spends his evenings on the computer, leaving me to deal with ds, but he has become very interested in spending time playing with ds now that the au pair is here and spending time with ds. I'm feeling jealous and I hate it! (Not least because I'll be having a planned c section in a few weeks, leaving dh and au pair alone for as long as I'm in hospital for - last time it was a week.)
I'm tempted to tell dh how I'm feeling, but I imagine I'll just get told that I'm being paranoid and that he's just being friendly. And the irony is that I said I needed help for when the babies arrive and we settled on an au pair for cost reasons, so I imagine I'll get that thrown back at me, too.

OP posts:
secunda · 01/07/2010 23:47

did I say they were unwilling? Did I even say I am anything that special? No. 'magnet' - well maybe insecurity and vulnerability is a magnet to certain types of people. I didn't mean an Angelina Jolie-type magnet

Maybe it's discoloured my view of human nature or maybe it's just removed the rose-tinted specs most women seemed to have glued to their face

I stand by the last 2 comments

IsGraceAvailable · 01/07/2010 23:51

Insecurity & vulnerability are a magnet to certain types of user - something we've discussed at length

There's nothing to suggest that kind of sickness is going on in DS Mopple's bathroom, though!

msboogie · 01/07/2010 23:53

I worked in a bar when I was a fresh-faced 25 and I can tell you that coloured my view of men, especially married men, very nicely indeed.

ninah · 01/07/2010 23:54

completely agree
mrs mopple enjoy the rest of your pregancy make sure you rope in dh and ap for the chores so you can rest
twins in this heat can't be easy

stubbornhubby · 01/07/2010 23:56

sigh, if you have an attractive au pair in your house then I think it's pretty inevitable that a DH is going to behave differently around her - at least for a while.

but that absolutely does NOT mean he's inevitably going to jump on her as soon as your back is turned.

give a week and I bet he'll settle down. meanwhile it will do no harm (and will be a lot of fun) to emphasise his age - fetch his slippers for him, offer him an ovaltine at bedtime, explain - loudly - any references to current pop groups, that sort of thing

secunda · 02/07/2010 00:00

Yeah, users and the 'hero' types who just have to be needed and love rescuing ...

ANYWAY. All is probably fine and dandy in the Mopple household. But when secunda junior comes along I'll be hiring Nanny McPhee rather than Daisy Wright

HairExtensions · 02/07/2010 00:00

I had a (male) colleague ask me once "doesn't it bother you having a young, attractive girl living in your house with your husband there?"

erm, no actually it doesn't. Because I am truly fabulous myself and DH knows this, he also knows what he has to lose if he ever strays (as do I) as in, his family.

Also, I always choose the most attractive AP as there is less chance of her being interested

On a serious note though, OP I get exactly how you feel in terms of insecurity, and my DH always made a point of washing up after dinner (even if it wasn't his turn, interacting with DC more etc when AP was there but not when she was out (knobhead).

I agree with posters who have said there are more issues with him not helping normally etc, you really need to sort that out

Quattrocento · 02/07/2010 00:03

I remember being 19 - a long time ago - and for sure a lot of elderly men (over 25) did try it on. But that's what they were - elderly men.

Don't you actually trust your DH? Cos I think you do and I think you know you're being unreasonable

stubbornhubby · 02/07/2010 00:05

OP

  • get a set of false teeth and leave them in the bathroom
  • go to oxfam and buy a dozen pairs of the least attractive grundies you can, and make sure there is always at least two pairs in the laundry.
PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 00:09

Ooh yes- and try a tip from another thread I read today and smear a bit of marmite in them. Should do the trick nicely

IsGraceAvailable · 02/07/2010 00:11

... and when your twins are a bit older, follow somebody's brilliant suggestion upthread, and start the Ugly Mingers Au Pair Agency
Advertise it on Mumsnet, you'll make a fortune!

seashore · 02/07/2010 00:25

False teeth! That is really clever, foolproof almost.

stubbornhubby · 02/07/2010 08:34

um..... be careful you don't let anyone catch you with the marmite, there.

I'm just saying.

Journeywoman · 02/07/2010 08:44

Any fucker, you are my hero. Agree with everything you said. If I had a husband who wanted to shag a 19 year old while I was pregnant with twins, I'd say good riddance to him. (I know op's husband has not yet stepped out of line, but most people seem to be expecting him to, as it if's completely inevitable).

I don't care if that's naive.My own husband regularly flies to Bangkok and Hong Kong for business trips, and I have been told I should go with him to "keep an eye on him." Like hell I will.

ColdBunny · 02/07/2010 09:25

Missus84, I think you might be wrong. Many 20 year olds find a 35 year old attractive. I certainly did when I was that age.
I had the same issue with DH 2 years. The moment the aupair arrived, he couldn't stop paying her attention. It created lots of problems between us. She left after 6 months, but 2 years down the road, it is still causing problems between us. He was obsessed with being "her friend", spent hours on FB talking to her after she left, etc. He even became quite depressed after she left because he missed the company. Needless to say, I was furious throughout. And the worse thing is that I still believe she was totally innocent, and it was entire DH's fault.

sunny2010 · 02/07/2010 09:48

I wouldnt even consider ever getting with someone who was 35 as they are too old for me and I am 26. Also I am pregnant now and if I had an au pair living with us I wouldnt be bothered in the slightest, I know I am the hot girl he is married to so why would I be jealous. I think this is more your issue than his to be fair.

azazello · 02/07/2010 10:07

A friend of mine's mum carefully hired an ugly swedish male au pair to help out when her DCs were little. Her husband ran off with the au pair - it was a major life change. Husband and au pair are still together though and are no happily partnered up.

Anyfucker and Grace speak a lot of sense.

Squitten · 02/07/2010 12:23

My mind has completely boggled at this thread!

OP: So what is actually going on here? Your DH is being friendly with the new au pair? I have to say that if we had a new person staying in my house and my DH didn't get off his butt on the computer and make her feel welcome, he'd have my boot up his behind! Do you want him to be rude to her? It doesn't sound to me like anything suspicious is happening other than what's going on in your head and, understandable as that may be considering your current condition, I think it's up to you reign it in and look at this objectively. Perhaps just have a conversation with your husband about how you feel about yourself...?

The idea that this poor girl should lose her job because she was unfortunate enough to be born with good looks is appalling! If this happened in any other work environment, everyone here would be outraged at the discrimination!

AF: Totally agree with you 100%

AnyFucker · 02/07/2010 14:26

Oooh, thanks ladies for recent posts

I think Grace and I were starting to think we were in a parallel universe...where if DH's weren't constantly policed, they would be shagging the nearest 19 yo

I feel a bit bad for the OP, tbh, because I for one was never saying him shagging the OP was ever on the cards. Some of the, let's-call-them, insecure types on this thread were immediately jumping to conclusions that this poor girl was going to trick him into inserting his penis into her

Or that he was going to be overcome with lust over the cornflakes and accidentally give her one ...and that it would be OP's fault for employing a pretty girl

weird and a totally horrible way to live your life...I would rather be single

MorrisZapp · 02/07/2010 15:43

Agree with AF etc. This au pair sounds great, so what if she's a gas cooker too. I'm sure the OPs DH sees great looking young women every day and feels nothing more than passing admiration.

The way I see it, he's 'showing off' just now as any of us would when faced with an outsider in our homes. If a good looking fella came to my house (actually I have one in mind - yum) would I lie there farting on the sofa or would I leap up, offer him home made cake and then proceed to do 'mum of the year' act in front of him? Experience tells me it's the latter. But be assured I will not be shagging any whippersnappers or indeed anybody but my DP, no matter how hot or young the talent may be.

Men always up the daddy stuff in front of other women. I see it all the time. It doesn't mean they want to shag the women in question, or even that they particularly fancy them. It's just that the presence of somebody else raises the game a bit.

I think OP could work this one very much to her advantage - au pair sounds great, DH is getting off his arse for once. It's all good so far.

Magalyxyz · 02/07/2010 15:56

She would be repulsed by him, unless he is extraordinarily good looking (is he?).

I would ask your husband to try and make it less obvious that he is attracted to her (spending time around her when he normally wouldn't be with his son). Tell him it affects how you see him, that it's a difficult behaviour to respect.

Quattrocento · 02/07/2010 16:52

I don't think the Ugly Mingers Au Pair agency is a good idea. Because surely if a 19 YO were to find a middle-aged bloke or woman sexually attractive for longer than a drunken nanosecond, they'd be likely to be fully paid up Ugly Mingers, wouldn't they?

Sweeedes · 02/07/2010 19:07

Quattro - Beautiful with long, golden limbs and long, flowing caramel-blonde hair and pert breasts on the outside but ugly mingers on the inside.

lisasimpson · 02/07/2010 19:33

OP - is she his 'type' is there something in her personality he wold admire?

Matsikula · 02/07/2010 19:51

Can I add another voice of reason and moderation? I was an au pair at 19, and like to think of myself as reasonably attractive. Neither I, nor any of my au pair pals, even the Swedish ones, had any sort of fling with the dads we worked for. Even though mine was clearly going through a midlife crisis. It's a rare 19 year old that is interested in a middle-aged man.

I did however, do a lot of babysitting (my job) while the parents went out and had fun, or had lie-ins. Mrs Mopple, if you can manage it at this stage in your pregnancy, get the au pair to do some au pairing, while you enjoy some couple time with your husband.