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Original poster

Attractive Au Pair making me feel jealous!

187 replies

MrsMopple · 01/07/2010 17:32

It's very early days with the au pair - she arrived on Tuesday. She's young and attractive and ds seems to really like her. I am 31 weeks pregnant, grumpy, sleeping badly and 40. My ankles disappeared weeks ago and I feel unattractive.
Dh usually spends his evenings on the computer, leaving me to deal with ds, but he has become very interested in spending time playing with ds now that the au pair is here and spending time with ds. I'm feeling jealous and I hate it! (Not least because I'll be having a planned c section in a few weeks, leaving dh and au pair alone for as long as I'm in hospital for - last time it was a week.)
I'm tempted to tell dh how I'm feeling, but I imagine I'll just get told that I'm being paranoid and that he's just being friendly. And the irony is that I said I needed help for when the babies arrive and we settled on an au pair for cost reasons, so I imagine I'll get that thrown back at me, too.

OP posts:
susie100 · 01/07/2010 22:47

I don't thinks she should be fired. But I would not be hiring a pretty french 29 yr old to flit about the house when I was carrying twins. Bad for the self esteem.

fedupwithdeployment · 01/07/2010 22:51

We could do a swop...my AP is 16 stone and eating me out of house and home. I am even paying for weightwatchers. DH has been away (check out my name) and met her last week for the first time. Major ructions ahead...not just the overeating, it is the lack of energy etc etc.

Anyway, I understand why the OP is unhappy. But the grass isn't always greener - admittedly I may be twice her age and with half her bod, but she is driving me to distraction!

secunda · 01/07/2010 22:51

OK, most guys see a fit 19 year old in the street or even at work or at a party, think 'Hmm...nice' - and immediately forget about it. When a fit 19 year old is in their house day in day out, it's popping into their head day in day out, the same person. Attraction will be strengthened by seeing her every day, seeing her being good with the kid. Men love women with kids, although they don't love the boring side effects, like putting on weight and losing interest in sex. When he's maybe thinking something a bit uncharitable about his DW, the girl is right there for him to make comparisons. It's horrible to say but it's true

OK, it's not definitely going to happen but it's not an unfounded fear. Think about it, he'd only have to knob her once for you to be totally devastated and for it to ruin everything.

don't buy this 'just being friendly' stuff either

and when I was 19 me and the vast majority of my friends had a crush on at least one person over the age of 35 (I was strange - had ONLY crushes on men over that age, daddy issues probably). I think women who say 'oh no 19 year old would fancy someone that age' are deluding themselves. Men in our society get more attractive as they get older, women get less so

msboogie · 01/07/2010 22:52

I wouldn't sack her for being pretty - but I wouldn't have hired her in the first place.

"there are real plus points to having an attractive, sociable, athletic young au pair with lots of energy"

yeah and 99.99% of DHs would be lying abed at night considering said plus points in graphic detail...

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 22:52

I just don't get it being bad for the self-esteem

We were all nubile 19yo's once

This pretty girl will age like we all do

My DH has changed muchly in all the years we have been together

What is more life-fulfilling than carrying the babies your DH put there ?

If this OP's DH is not treating her like the queen bee she is, and acting like an idiotic lust-struck teenager with the au pair then she has a problem

and it is more than the presence of a pretty 19yo, tbh

msboogie · 01/07/2010 22:54

Again, I second secunda.

stubbornhubby · 01/07/2010 22:54

OP - I think we need to see a picture of the au pair

grapeandlemon · 01/07/2010 22:57

I truly would be inclined to hire a more attractive girl, who was great at her job. It wouldn't bother my ego.

DH works with scantily-clad models for his job so I suppose I am a bit immune to it all

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 22:58

like I said, the only solution is to kill all 19 yo girls

my teenage dd has friends round all the time, they are here, they are "in your face", they are good with my other dc

they are attractive, sporty, wear very little in the hot weather

should I keep them away from the house ???

< frets >

< considers blanket ban of all people who possess a pair of tits >

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/07/2010 23:03

I can understand why the OP is feeling a bit left out but I think this is to do with her DH, not with the au pair. He may well be joining in to help au pair settle; he may not want a stranger to think badly of him either - that's not uncommon.

Either way, this is not the fault of the au pair or her attractivness.

secunda · 01/07/2010 23:07

yeah, they are you DD's friends though AF. That's a barrier, right there. It's too close to their own DD. I think having a DD of a certain age puts you off girls that age a bit (not as a fantasy maybe, but it sort of prevents you 'going there' in rl). I know of a couple of exceptions though

using reductio ad absurdum as an argument tactic isn't very effective, esp in this case.

When I was the age of this au pair, I worked as a temp. experiences of this have influenced my view. I don't know what it was but I was like a magnet for every man with a tiny niggle in his marriage (managed to push most of em off me though)

seashore · 01/07/2010 23:09

IsGraceAvaliable personally I wouldn't but this particular situation seems tricky for the OP. Me? I like having a mix of ages around, young and old. I suppose it depends how secure you feel in yourself, but I did sympathise for the OP, that's all.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 23:12

had to google it golly how clever

secunda, I won't ask about the blokes you didn't push off

best not to go there, eh

secunda · 01/07/2010 23:15

first year undergrad 'Introduction to Philosophy' module, innit. was trying to be simone de beauvoir. got a 2:2 in that one

As for the ones I didn't push off - well, some guys are really strong

Original poster
MrsMopple · 01/07/2010 23:15

Please can I just say that I don't think that my dh is lusting after this girl, but it does irk me that he has been spending more time with ds since she has been here and while she is looking after him. I don't think she is lusting after dh, either. It's just irritating me and yes, I'm feeling jealous, but surely that's my issue to deal with? The stay in hospital is a bit worrying, but here's hoping that dh spends most of that time with me - after all, au pairs are only meant to work 5 hours a day and she will hopefully be off doing her own thing with friends after that.

I certainly don't think that all young girls should be locked away to prevent 35 year old dhs from being blinded by lust! But there's nothing like the presence of someone else to make you look at your own relationship and the way you interact with your dp, and the way they treat you. I think I need to give it a few days to settle down and then take a good long look at how he is behaving before saying anything. But I do think I need to let him know about how I'm feeling before these babies are born.

Thank goodness I didn't put this in AIBU!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 23:16

not biting

< goes to bed >

seashore · 01/07/2010 23:16

Missus84 I'd feel rotten, it's not my situation. I have experienced that kind of misreading, I'm sure most females have, it's never nice, but I just feel for OP pregnant with twins and unhappy about how things are.

Sweeedes · 01/07/2010 23:19

I love AnyFucker on this thread. In fact, I love her on all threads.

I'm just wondering though if you all think there might be merit in me starting the Ugly Mingers Au Pair Agency?

LadyLapsang · 01/07/2010 23:19

I also find this thread a pretty sad reflection of our society. You have said nothing negative about your new au pair's behaviour and your DS likes her. It's your DH's behaviour that's bothering you.

Totally disagree about the post which says give the au pair all the rubbish jobs, she is there to be part of your family and help out, not a slave. Of course you shouldn't be watching them play happy families all the time but I don't think it can hurt that employing an au pair has helped your DH engage with his son before the twins arrive.

Remember my sister was an (attractive) au pair with a letch of a husband in the house, wasn't very nice for her. If your DH starts crossing the line you need to deal with him.

IsGraceAvailable · 01/07/2010 23:20

Secunda, I'm finding your posts to this thread weird, along with several others. As I said, I was an au pair in France. It's always been a very normal thing for school-leavers to do, especially language students. You go on an agreed basis, which has been unchanged for decades, and which states you are to become a member of your host family. Your host 'parents' stand in loco parentis during your stay and have certain additional responsibilities regarding your education & welfare.

If the Mr. Mopple doesn't get that it's a shame, but the OP actually says nothing to suggest he's behaving irresponsibly. MrsMopple sounds understandably pregnant, tired, hormonal & insecure. I think that can and should be overcome by embracing her role as the girl's stand-in Mum / big sister / Aunty. Which is what the scheme intends, and should benefit everyone as intended.

The English have the worst reputation as host families. I'm beginning to see why!

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/07/2010 23:20

MrsM I bet you look gorgeous anyway... You've got all the hormonal stuff raging around and having another woman around (whatever age or attractiveness) is always odd - especially if they're not a member of your family.

I absolutely did not mean to imply that I thought you were being mean to the au pair. I just felt she (and your DH) were getting a bit of a rough time.

msboogie · 01/07/2010 23:26

I don't normally disagree with you either Grace but there's nothing weird about Secunda's postings. Perhaps she has a slightly more jaundiced realistic view but it sure as hell ain't weird.

IsGraceAvailable · 01/07/2010 23:37

Secunda, you were "like a magnet for every man with a tiny niggle in his marriage". You say an au pair is "an immediate risk that you could remove". Your advice included: "it's not definitely going to happen but it's not an unfounded fear. Think about it, he'd only have to knob her once"

All I can say is that your own history as an irresistible sex siren - the downfall of any man, however unwilling - seems to have discoloured your view of human nature. It must be a terrible burden: a bit like living in the Sun's picture problem page, every day.

seashore · 01/07/2010 23:42

MrsMopple maybe pick up a good book for reading tonight instead of this thread! Hope it doesn't just stir things up more for you.

ninah · 01/07/2010 23:46

I can understand how MrsMopple feels, good wishes for your twins MrsM, hope it all goes well for you. You seem v sensible and sorted.
Agree with secunda that older men are attracted to 19 year olds though. Not MrsM's dh. But I worked behind a bar at this age and it was a bit of an eye opener
it was like being the new iphone or something