I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

[Shaz10]

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

Argh, I'm sorry. You are amazing to be this focused on the baby when things are so terrible.

Part of me wanted him to remember what he was missing. If he's all caught up in hating reality he might like missing it. Ah well.

shaz hang in there let us know hen he has gone and you can let it all out xxxx

everything ok shaz?

Seconding that. Hope you are doing okay.

hope everything went ok today and weren't too traumatic x

OMG wasn't too traumatic

Oh, that was horrible. He's just left. I talked for ages and cried constantly. He looked so contrite and really worried. I asked him what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I think he wants me to tell him to leave forever so he can feel free but I can't tell him that because if I'm honest I don't want that.
When he's not here I can be strong but when he's in the room all I want him to do is hold me and tell me it's all going to be alright.
He's not officially with her yet but who knows what will happen?
We even managed a couple of laughs about things. That's what happens when you know someone so well. I did point that out.

I talked about how I knew things were brewing in January because I'd found a phone bill.
He still insisted that he fell out of love with me first. We didn't have any physical contact after the baby but I explained that after my operations, pain, broken foot etc he never even gave us a chance (by then it was January). I said that I think he got his head turned by her and pushed me away so he didn't feel guilty - but he might not realise that's the case.
I told him I knew something was up back in March, because I know him so well! It is true.
Agh, I think he doesn't love me but it doesn't stop me trying. I think he's going to leave but he's feeling guilty. I told him to hurry up and make his mind up what he wants, then I can start to think about what I think about that.
God this is a mess.

You poor girl. I wish I could say something remotely construtive, but as I can't, I will just say I am thinking of you - and it will get better.

you just can't stop loving someone can you?

like you i can be strong on my own but when he is here and walks passed me i naturally want to reach out and hug him.

you are doing really really well. hang on in there. be resolute. he needs to realise what he is risking. the only way to do that is to show him what it will be like if he was to go. make him live the life, don't fall into the trap of laughing and joking with him.

i wish i was strong enough to do that with my h when he left the first time but i pussy footed around him too many times.

he has gone again for the third time now (as you know) and i truly regret not being strong enough first and second time round. put your foot down and stay strong.

i am only being strong now because i have to really. but is a bit like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

i fear for me it is too late and h is really not coming back.

There are so many 'he's left me' threads at the moment. It's very . I think you're coping really well Shaz.

I blame the heat! He always did get a bit frisky when it was hot.

so does mine shaz

Shaz you are doing brilliantly and if you can laugh and joke no matter how hollow it feels you are strong ! Sadly there are no shortcuts from the early raw pain but truly you wont always feel like this. Its a mess now but wait and see how you feel about whether YOU want him back , dont just feel you are waiting to see if he comes back. Sorry to be harsh but dont think in the short term he will

Armbow I am sorry but I think the best thing would be if your exh didnt come back ever you have given him chances before and now you are back to square one. It doesnt matter that you werent as strong as maybe you would have liked on previous occasions the point is you are being strong now. Focus on that and as tough (nee' maybees)would say put you forward marching boots on no matter how few steps you take in them during these early days

Just remember like AlCrowley says
you are coping well and looking after dcs going out etc which at this stage is no mean feat

Keep posting

I can't do this. We were going to have 2 more babies by the time I was 40 and I can't start again, there won't be time. I reminded him of all our plans, including the plans I had before I met him. I wonder what I would be doing today if I'd never met him.

I didn't tell him that I have the name of a lawyer and I will ring her next week. He's still feeling guilty but he's spineless, he wants me to be horrible so he can clear his conscience, I can feel it.

Shaz, you have your LO. That is worth everything. And you just can't know what lies in your future - plus fertility doesn't stop, bang, at 40. It reduces, but plenty of people do have babies after that point, and you could meet and fall in love with someone else tomorrow. Well, next month, maybe. ;) But the point is, if your DH carries on being a cretin and this is permanent, you are still going to be able to meet someone, if you want to.

I also hate to point this out, but if the plan was for DH to be a SAHD after the second child and you the breadwinner, so he could write... you could be in this exact same position, only he would have been the primary carer, and thus entitled to remain in the home and remain the primary carer. You'd get the right to contact, and the right to pay child support. This really could have been worse, because you could effectively have lost your babies, too. As it is, you have your child, you're young enough to start again, and you are being canny about making sure you get the support your child and you deserve.

I agree that he probably wishes you'd be horrible, and that your refusal to be is best for our dignity, your child and your legal position.

So shitty that this is happening. I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in the same boat last year. It takes you to a place you have never been before. I tried my best to show him the mistakes he was making but the OW was fun and sexy and had older kids so could easily do things together that we couldn't.

In the end I decided to just let him go, she was never going to live up to me, sharing him with me and our son was going to be painful, he always put himself first so she was going to come 3rd to him and us. She soon showed her true colours and the excitment of the secret wore off.

Life becomes dull, she stopped feeling the excitment once she was washing his pants and putting up with his mess.

He realsied the mistake he made and wanted to come back home, rightly or wrongly after much sole searching things are ok.

Stay strong, show him you are in control, and if he things turn aroound you will be holding all the cards.

Hi Shaz and Armbow. I've been watching your threads as I am in a similar situation - XP moved out, OW involved. Don't ever forget that you have the moral highground here, you've done nothing wrong and don't do anything to alleviate the guilt that these lying, cheating pricks rightly deserve to feel. Most men have an uncanny knack of closing the door and leaving their guilt behind. Get angry, it feels good. Well, better than feeling sad.

He told me last night that someone sent him a text message telling him what a bastard he was. Neither of us recognised the number but I want to kiss them. I told him they were right.

Oh god help me. He called her on our wedding anniversary. I need telling not to phone him and shout this at him.

DIGNITY !

keep it !

you are doing so so well. save everything you want to say to him like this and when you feel it is appropriate you can dish it up to him a cold cutting manner. this will have more effect believe me.

what a knobhead. how did you find this out shaz?

I found a mobile bill so registered him for online billing. It's all there. I'm shaking.

He texted her during our son's christening party. Oh god I'm such an idiot for thinking he was just a bumbling fool. He's a scumbag.

ok keep calm

you will regret it afterwards if you phone him.

have you seen or spoken to him since yesterday?