I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

[Shaz10]

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

Shaz that makes total sense. 3 months of an emotional affair, followed by 3 months of a "combined" affair. What's that about him admitting "feelings" in March? Tell us about that and how you handled it as a couple.

Oh I mean he admitted he had 'inappropriate feelings' during his so-called confession. He didn't say anything at the time.

When did you first realise that things were amiss Shaz and what were they? What has his behaviour been like? If the texting started in January, was there any odd behaviour after a Christmas do?

I can't remember a single thing about January or February, about him or anything else. Although I've just been reading my emails and I suspect that February might be looming large.

Just some 'going to be late tonight's. At the time I didn't think anything of them, but obviously they got more and more.

What is it about the Feb E mails that brings it home to you? And apart from the late nights, what finally reduced you to sobbing on the floor a few days ago?

Try and pinpoint Shaz, when you last felt truly happy. It's such a wake-up moment when you define it. When all seemed well with the world and the connection between you was joyful and loving.

Re the emails - it's a word he uses about what he's got to do when he's working late. Not meetings, not waiting for other people, he used this word. I noticed the last few weeks he used it a lot, in my head this is when he was with her - and I've just seen it in a Feb email.

The sobbing was from finding the photo on his phone. There was a message with it that was fairly garbled but basically said 'pissed off because couldn't spend any time' (I filled in the 'with you' in my own head). And that he wouldn't look at me. I would snuggle up to him and he wouldn't put his arms round me.

I am trying so hard to think of a time when I was truly happy and I can't. I really can't.

And why were you looking at his phone?

I didn't expect an instant reply about when you were last happy, but are you saying that you have never been happy with him?

I looked at his phone because after years of being completely open with it he started taking it everywhere, including the toilet. He bought a new one and when I asked to have a play he said no - this is not usual. I already suspected something long before I looked.

Of course. So when did he start taking his phone everywhere with him - and what happened to his old one? There may be saved messages on there if it's still in the house.

I found his old SIM card but he'd changed the number on it and I ended up locking the pin. I threw it out of the window so I don't have it now. I don't really see how it matters anyway. A few weeks here or there, can they make too much difference?

I must have been happy when we had our son but I was quite ill and in hospital for a while afterwards, I was in and out with abscess surgery, and had a nurse come and dress my wound every day from October till Christmas, so I was a bit housebound. Then I broke my foot and was again quite housebound in January. I don't remember February much.

Have acquired the ebilling thing. Looks like April is the biiig month. I wonder if I knew before he did?

Oh you poor thing. You had a terrible time medically and then had an accident and now all this. Normally, a sudden explosion in text messages marks the start of when they have agreed the liaison will become sexual, so the big bill in March holds some clues and I think you're right about April, because this is the month he told you himself too.

On my phone Shaz, the text messages get saved to the phone as a default, not the SIM. Is the old phone anywhere?

Shaz I am so sad for you

My exh had emotional affair for 2 months with barmaid where he drinks confiding in her how unhappy he was and in truth we were not right together for a long time so he was in a bad place. He left and began their relationship in earnest about a month later.

Even with being at some level more prepared for these events and knowing it was for the greater good and that ow was catalyst that made him jump rather than reason he jumped I still really struggled in the early weeks.

I think no matter what a pig they are to you it is impossible to extricate someone you have spent a long time with from your thoughts and press the stop button on love its an uneven process but does get easier with time.

I read all the posts and my experience has been exh have got together end of January and seem to be going strong . Even were they to part I know he wouldnt want me back from what he has said and ways he continues to behave .

Good advice from all about solicitor/divorce change in exh attitude 6 mths later now he and ow are settled "in the open" is breath taking and your H probably will be no different

Whenwifn I think your postings are wonderful but not sure why Shaz needs to be digging around for phones?

Anyway Shaz keep posting the support and advice is sooo brilliant and will help you get through what is probably feeling like the worst time of your life

I agree I don't need to know the details of the messages, the bills tell me all I need to know.

Thanks gettingeasier. The only reason I ever advocate finding all the evidence there is available is because information is power - and now that Shaz has got the mobile bills, read the letter etc. she can feel very angry that she was still being deceived, even after his forced confession.

Anger strengthens resolve too, because I've got no doubt that at some point, this miserable excuse for a man is going to do the "poor me" act when reality comes crashing down. There is an enormous power for the deceived too, actually, in knowing more than the deceiver thinks you know.

For once, he is on the back foot now, as is the OW. Which is why Shaz I am advising you to be enigmatic and mysterious about what you know. It will put the frighteners on the pair of them and probably for the first time, they will be genuinely worried about the fall-out and consequences.

How are you doing Shaz? The weekend will probably be a bit of a trial. Stay strong!

Not too bad, obviously have moments of sadness. Have managed to leave my laptop charger at work so posting might be a bit rubbish this weekend. I do have a desktop and am attempting to work it from my phone.

When do you think he'll get in touch? Am I supposed to contact him? I know I'm not really but I'm starting to wonder if he'll ever want to see either of us.

shaz, stay strong,

if i could give you a piece of advice that i have learnt from my debarcle (sp??) it is to not relent stay strong if you contact him he has the power. you need the power. (i sound like he-man !!!)

Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay i lost the power a looooong time ago in our relationship and it has bitten me on the bum big time !!!!

I would let the curiosity go, myself. You know as much as you need to now, and rubbing salt in the wounds by getting a fuller picture isn't power, because it hurts only you. If he wants to be a lying adulterer that's his choice, and sadly it looks as if he's made it. Moving forwards, I think, horribly, it is essential that you get the legal ball rolling in terms of a mediation appointment. An agreement reached in mediation can then be put to a court to be turned into a binding order, so he can't wriggle out once he starts convincing himself that he was justified - which human nature makes likely. Guilt, over time, makes people resent the person they feel guilty about.

He will be a lot less generous when he starts to think about his own lifestyle, sad to say. As everyone says, please, though you probably feel like nothing less, make the mediation appointment and advise him of it, and then you and your baby are sure of the best deal possible.

This is all kinds of wrong. Again, I'm so sorry.

Shaz please listen to what everyone is saying about legal side . My exh has been great about footing bills since he left but just as Confuzled says now final settlement is being looked at his lifestyle is coming out tops and exh is one of the relatively good guys. Wish had been on MN and not quite so trusting.

Hardest thing is when you are at your weakest point you need to be your hardest

how are you this morning shaz?

Hi, been busy today. He's here now, he texted this morning to see if he could visit our son, I told him to come and give him his tea. It's horrible. I can barely look at him, and he the same to me.