Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

463 replies

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 21:55

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

OP posts:
Shaz10 · 09/07/2010 13:34

Finally got the appointment with the lawyer for Monday. Really tempted to pack all his stuff this weekend. But I think I'll wait till I speak to the lawyer.

OP posts:
Eve34 · 09/07/2010 17:43

no pack it show him you are taking control. He has made his decision. stay stong.

LisaD1 · 09/07/2010 17:46

Agree with Eve, pack his stuff and let him go. IF he wants to save your relationship make him bloody well fight for it, if of course you want him back. Do not let him take all the control.

Shaz10 · 09/07/2010 17:51

I've got him round babysitting on Monday while I go out with my mates. Might leave a suitcase for him.

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 09/07/2010 17:58

haha, now that would be funny, make sure you give it to him when you get home and not as you go out though!

Shaz10 · 10/07/2010 09:47

Tell me if I'm being really stupid here. I've just thought of this so go easy!

He says he wants "time to think". So far, so shitty. But I've waited a couple of weeks, I can wait a couple of weeks more I think.

What if I went to my mum's, without the baby, and he came here? He would have to organise his job, the child and everything else I have to do. This house and my mum's house aren't far away. I could come and visit every few days like he's been doing.

Do you think that would give him a little wake up call? About whether he can really leave the family?
Or is it asking for trouble re the house/custody in the future?

Or am I just trying to punish him?

Actually I think I know the answer to this but I don't see why he can't be punished, at least a little!
I wish I had the guts to invite OW too - see how she likes happy families when it's thrust upon you before you've even started!

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 10/07/2010 09:56

I wouldn't do that in your position. Tempted as I would be, especially as I have a 2yr old brat darling!

I would just be super cool and talk nothing but childcare to him, I would make sure he had little one at the weekend though so you got a break and he got to see what he would get if he chooses to leave you both.

armbow · 10/07/2010 09:56

personally i would be wary about leaing the family home to live somewhere else even if it ws only fort a short while. much better for you to go away for a long weekend with the purpose of clearing your head i think.

remember shaz, things can't be rushed. if you try to speed up the process and you want him back then i think you will be building on unstable foundations as he will have come back too soon.

you need to make him WANT it.

Shaz10 · 10/07/2010 09:57

I know you're right, I really do. Just a little fancy of mine I suppose!

OP posts:
littlecritter · 10/07/2010 11:24

Hello Shaz. I agree with the others. Tempting, but it's just not going to sway him in the way you want. Personally, I wouldn't guve him another 2 weeks to ponder either. Or even another 2 days. Tell him you need a final answer today.

Hello armbow. Hope you're ok and still feeling strong and powerful.

DillyDora · 10/07/2010 17:59

Shaz, I don't know what the situation is now but I think you should take legal advice before leaving the family home, and the baby. I have a horrible feeling these things can come back to bite you later on, it used to be that leaving the family home affected your rights to it so might be worth asking your lawyer (happy memories of my parents and their friends divorcing so this advice is 20 years old - still worth checking though!)

Shaz10 · 10/07/2010 18:43

Oh, don't worry, I was only joking really. Seeing a lawyer on Monday.

OP posts:
DillyDora · 10/07/2010 18:48

Bleugh to seeing the lawyer, but I suppose it's all good - knowledge is power and all that. Good luck with it.

Shaz10 · 11/07/2010 11:42

Oh poop.
She's away this weekend and next week and he told me that he might stay at her house while he 'thinks things over'. But an 'accidental' drive past her house and seeing his car there this morning - despite being prepared for it - was just too much.
I'd already packed a load of his crap stuff but it was only things that he might not notice had been packed away, a few books, photo albums etc. I think this might be a step too far for me. He has no fucking intention of making things right with us. Everything he does/says reveals a new lie. I want to drive round there now and leave all his stuff on her doorstep but I am going to restrain myself till I've seen the lawyer. But as soon as she gives me the nod I'm going to get a van and dump it all at her door. See how she likes all that shit in her house when they're in the early stages of a relationship.

Aaaaaagh! I just want to get this all out because I'm visiting my parents this afternoon and don't really want to say any of this.
He is making it very easy to hate him. Asshole.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/07/2010 11:53

Shaz - what proof do you have that OW is really away - just his word for it?

Shaz10 · 11/07/2010 11:55

Oh don't wwifn, I don't think I could take that.

OP posts:
littlecritter · 11/07/2010 12:11

Shaz, why ae you feeling guilty about dumping his stuff right now? Why wait to see a solicitor. I dumped XP's stuff within 24 hours and boy was that liberating. I say, do it.

Shaz10 · 11/07/2010 12:23

I just want to make sure I'm not making any errors for the future. And seeing as it's only 24 hours I think I can wait. I'm not waiting any longer though.

OP posts:
Shaz10 · 11/07/2010 12:23

Plus it will take me that long to pack all his stuff! It's a lovely day today, I'm not wasting it on packing.

OP posts:
littlecritter · 11/07/2010 12:38

Good point! Enjoy the lovely sunny day. We're going to look, just look mind, round the dogs' home today. Then my big ds is cooking us all dinner. My dd is coming round too.

By the way, my XP is still living in hotels and I'm starting to get little hints that maybe he regrets what he did. He's saying things like, I never wanted to leave, I still love you, I'll always be there for you etc, etc. It's messing with my head.

Shaz10 · 11/07/2010 12:46

Oh, littlecritter. I wish I had advice. Try to ignore him for a while.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 11/07/2010 15:36

littlecritter if he still regrets what he has done in 6 months and nothing further in the way of lies or deception has come to light then perhaps you would reconsider having him back

I dont recall all the ins an outs of your situation as your thread vanished but isnt it the case he has been seeing ow and you needed an std test ?

It took me a while to realise how my self respect and self worth had gone awol during the last years of my marriage and if my exh had made noises about coming back in the early days I would have leapt at the chance. Fortunatly for me there was never any talk of it (although he did keep his options open in the first weeks after moving out by claiming to think about his future)and so I am now well on my way to a better life without him.

Littlecritter it sounds to me like his regrets are based around his own comfort and well being and if I were you I would need an awful lot more to go on . Why did he leave did you ask him to go when you found about infiedelity ?

My few weeks on MN have shown me how many of us women put up with being treated in all sorts of negative ways in the name of love, because of children, fear of a future without security of a partnership and always in the hope that things will improve if we just hang in there.

My few weeks on MN have also shown me that those that be strong enough to get over initial few weeks of horror ALWAYS begin on a journey of seeing that the split is for the greater good and in the long term they will be happier however uneven the process of recovery may be.

It sounds like you have plenty of support so keep him at arms length for the time being at least.

rupert22 · 11/07/2010 16:19

Shaz I am afraid i wouldnt believe him that the ow is away. He hasnt been honest with you for the past four years of his marriage to you, why would he start now?

countingto10 · 11/07/2010 16:27

Shaz, I would pack up his stuff (in bin bags) and leave it all in OW's front garden. Tell him you are going to do it, the time you are going to do it too (legal implications - just in case someone nicks it ). As I said to my DH at the time, he is no prize to be won.

Take care.

littlecritter · 11/07/2010 16:32

gettingeasier - I found a soppy love letter in his work bag at 7pm. By 9pm he was gone. I gave him no choice, I kicked him out make no mistake! That was 9 days ago. Since then he has lied and lied and lied so much so that I began to doubt myself even though I had written evidence. The affair was/is with a colleague and definitely began more than a year ago. She and her H are friends of the family.

I cannot take him back. Much as I still love him and miss him desperately, I simply cannot take him back. Actually, he hasn't asked but I need to stay strong in case he does.

Hi Shaz. Hope you had a good day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread