I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

[Shaz10]

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

Maybe a card with some photos? I'm sure they'd like that.

I wondered where your thread had gone critter. Glad to see you're still getting support on here

how are you tonight shaz and littlecritter?

Morning. I'm ok. His parents called last night and said they'd spoken to him. He's coming round tonight so I'm hopeful that whatever we talk about it'll be constructive, and not that tear and snot filled mess of a conversation we had last time. .

Hope armbow and littlecritter are good too.

I'm ok thanks. Keep strong for tonight Shaz, I'll be thinking of you. Whatever you say just keep it in the back of your mind that you've got to come back and tell us. So make sure it's all mumsnet approved content.

My XP is avoiding talking to me about our future. He has been staying in a hotel since last Friday which is obviously very expensive and he doesn't have any money. He hasn't got anywhere else to go. Shall I suggest he moves back into the spare room while he looks for a flat? I don't want him here and then ds will have to go through the trauma of him leaving again. On the other hand, we do jointly own the house. What does anyone think?

Oh no, not mumsnet approved! I'll have to get my steel pants on.

I would be wary of letting him back in the house, but I do understand about him being skint. He must have someone, a friend, family?

Nope. No close friends which I think speaks volumes. He just has drinking buddies. He has a poor relationship with his parents who are elderly. He'd probably be too ashamed to tell them what's happened.

Really, what did I see in him??!

Maybe a B&B would be cheaper?

I'd be worried about the atmosphere in the house affecting your DS if he came back I think.

You're right. My older ds (20) has stated that he will not set foot in the house if XP is here so he would have to move out to stay with his sister or his father. That's not fair on him, I know. Especially when he has been so supportive these last few days and he's recovering from major surgery.

It's also not fair on little ds as it might get his hopes up.

And it's not fair on me because I'm so emotionally battered, bruised and raw right now. You see, I stll love him.

littlecritter - keep as much distance between the two of you as possible, it is certainly helping me.

shaz- wishing you the ery best of luck (remember, strength and dignity!!)

still feel quite good today. hope it lasts

Yes, I'm having a good day too armbow. Courtesy of my credit card. Despite the fact that XP is broke I am actually ok financially. Unfortunatley, that's because I inherited a small amount when my father died. And I'm almost certain that XP was already shagging OW when I was caring for my Dad on his deathbed. Ooh, feeling angry now when I think of it.

Glad you are ok.

littlecritter if you dont want him in the house then thats that. If you still love him its just going to be far too painful and were he to come back how long would it be for ? Flat hunting can be very drawn out and you could end up asking him to leave again before he has somewhere sorted which defeats the object rather..?

Also as you say it wont be good for your dcs.

God how I dont envy you Shaz having your exh over later , you seem to handling everything so well -amazing . Let us know how you got on and remember dont allow yourself to be bullied or coerced into anything in these early stages.

As per one of our postings in the past you will probably spend the entire evening listening to his woes and all the way he thinks various things will be dealt with.

Aaah how I dont miss all that

Big ramble coming up:

Oh yuck that was horrible again. He still insists he doesn't know what he wants, but I kept asking him questions to make him think about it. E.g. when you see us in the future, what do you see? And the same about OW. I asked him how he would feel if he had to cut all contact with her right now, and he said he would be unhappy about that. He did say if we began to work things out he knew he would have to.

She wants to start something proper up with him. Feck. I had a bit of a rant about what sort of person would pursue a married man with a little baby, and that she will always be the person who split up a son and his daddy. I hope that sinks in somewhere.

He acknowledges that we have been through a hell of a lot recently and probably neglected each other a bit. I don't think he was looking for an excuse by saying this.

They have been in some contact (texts only I think) since last week so I pointed out that she hadn't needed that much space after all. I said that I'd given him space but I didn't want to, I wanted to work through this with him, but only if he did too.

I told him that I think he's already made his decision - OW - but doesn't want to admit to it. He didn't say much to that. So I'm still hanging.

I told him that I was not going to throw him out and that if he was going to leave us he was going to have to make that decision himself.

I think I might let a few texts creep in here and there just to remind him of his family. I'm not letting him wander off just because she's more persistent, if you see what I mean?

At least you've got the beginnings of some sort of dialogue Shaz. I mean, whichever way it goes, at least you are talking about the future.

My XP is avoiding talking about "us" which I suspect is because he doesn't want to be the one who has to bear all the guilt. In fact, I can't wait to kick him into touch and show him what he's lost.

I would tell him that you're not waiting for an answer any longer. Tell him to go to OW so that you can get on with your life. And mean it. Decisions can be revised at any time, nothing's written in stone but he cannot keep you hanging on. Don't let him.

I feel so sad. I really wanted him to say that he'd made a horrible mistake and wanted to work things out. I knew it was unlikely but it's still rotten. He says he still doesn't know what he wants but I think he's just scared to make the jump. I just wish he'd done it 2 years ago and at least there wouldn't have been a child in the mess.
Don't get me wrong I love my son but it's not fair, he's involved even though I want to keep him out of it.

Make that jump for him and show him you are in control.

I know how you feel about your son. I said to XP that I wished I'd never met him and I mean it. That would mean no ds. My older dcs (different father to little ds) were horrified. They reminded me that he is the good thing that has come out of this. They are absolutely right. My dcs have got me through this so far.

You have the best thing of all - your ds. Your H is the noe missing out on that. He will regret that sooner or later, whichever way things go.

AND when I tucked my ds into bed earlier this evening I said to him that Dad sends his love. Big deal, he replied. That is less than a week since XP left. So sad.

Shaz I am not saying its going to be same for you but my exh spent 3 months "not knowing what he wanted" I realised at the time and time has bourne this out and it was a case of waiting until he had emotionally accustomed to leaving completely until he 100% cut me off.

He always knew what he wanted but had to do it in his own time meanwhile saying he might be back . Fortunately I was wise to him and not waiting with bated breath , he is weak.

Shaz,

you are doing so well, stay strong I know how hard it is. Not so dear, DP left me last year for OW. I wish I had the courage to let him go there and then. Like you I wanted what was best for my family.

I had a year of him 'trying' to make things work with me. I had endless digs about how I was not trying and that I should be happy he came home etc.

He was still seeing her and trying to make me be the guilty party.

It all came to a head in FEb. I finally told him to go to her. She clear meant more to him than me and our son.

over the next few months I grew strong and things were very cool between us. OW was not the dream he thought she would be and it came to an end.

We are trying to get things back on track - again I want what is best for my family. Things are getting easier. I always wonder what he is doing and do not trust him at all. I hope we go forward and build on what we have.

But there is part of me that thinks if I had the courage to do the right thing at the beegining, his new love would of burnt out, I would of moved on and not had 12 months on AD and not have the mis trust I have now.

Hang in there.

x

What a shame, Eve - I remember you and wish that you had moved on with strength and without him. So sad to read about you feeling this way. I fear that he will always treat you badly, because he can.

Shaz - and all of you on this thread facing similar situations, the moment you start taking back control - and stop passing it over to the people who have hurt you, you will feel better.

While I understand the desire to make leaving you, his decision - don't wait for too long. All the while these men think that they have a choice, they will dither. Usually it is when they think that they have lost everything, they find that they want you. Also, because so many of you are completely unsighted on what the OW wants, I cannot imagine that you want to wait for her to decide your futures.

If I were you, I would be making ultimatums and if their choice is to leave, showing in my every action that there is no way back and that they must live with that choice - forever. Hopefully you will in time mean it too, but for now it is important that your Hs believe you - and realise that they have lost you permanently.

I have never known anyone made happy while they were in limbo waiting for others to control events. I have known numerous people who were happy after they started calling the shots, some with Hs who returned and others who went forward in life alone, with their DCs.

I know you're right about asking him to leave. I sat and listened to everything he had to say last night and I just don't believe that he wants to come back.

Thing is, his family told him "not to rush into anything". He has interpreted this as letting everyone wait while he thinks about things. I suggested that they had meant "don't rush into a new relationship without giving it a go with your wife". But the fact he has interpreted it the way he did spoke volumes to me.

I've been thinking about what he would do if I offered him the house and the child (don't worry, I wouldn't). I wonder if he would run a mile!

morning Shaz,

really good advice here from whenwilli .

very important to take back your control now.

i can't stress enough how i regret not doing it sooner.

Yes, I have often wondered whether fewer women would have affairs if they thought it meant losing the DCs - and if fewer men would, if it meant getting the DCs.....

Two points Shaz. Do you assume he is telling his parents the same crock that he has been telling you then? That he hasn't yet started a relationship with OW. Because that is of course bollocks, isn't it? perhaps that's why his interpretation of "don't rush" was as it was, because he knows he has rushed into another relationship?

I assume you are monitoring his phone still via the bills, which will show you how much phone contact there has been with OW? Did he say any more last night about what she wants now?

And just to reassure you. He couldn't have told you he was unhappy before you conceived your child, because he only became unhappy with you after he met this woman. Keep reminding yourself that he is lying to you and himself about that.

Have a think over the next few days, how long you are prepared to let him dither. I think it is as you say at the moment; he knows what he wants but he can't yet give himself permission to do it. No-one would ever query your decision that you won't tolerate that sort of vacillation.

I'm on the verge of telling him to go. She's away next week, maybe a week without either of us will make him think. Ha ha ha.