Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 11 12 13 ··· 18 19

Original poster

I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

463 replies

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 21:55

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

OP posts:

littlecritter · 06/07/2010 18:04

Fine thanks, under the circumstances. My GP has increased my meds, signed me off work and referred me for counselling (I have a whole load of other stuff going on in RL). Shed a few tears when the doc said my XP was shameful. Then I went off to the GUM clinic (at the ripe old age of 46) and got tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis and HIV. Results will be through in 10-14 days.

Confuzled · 06/07/2010 18:24

Good you love your job, Shaz. That must be a huge help, along with your DS.

Hope you're doing okay.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 06/07/2010 18:27

We're ok. Called a solicitor this morning. The one I wanted is away but they told me to call back on Thursday - before H comes to visit. Yikes.

OP posts:

gettingeasier · 06/07/2010 19:24

Shaz just take it one step at a time , maybe I am in a minority here but I was in no shape to usefully see a solicitor at your stage of the split. Is there a reason - sorry it may be on the thread ..

littlecritter I was trying to find your thread but after ages I cant did I dream you having one ? I am so sorry it is totally shocking what men are prepared to behave like try not to worry about the std results. Have you got people in RL who can help and support you ?

Original poster

Shaz10 · 06/07/2010 19:28

I know it's going quickly. The solicitor I spoke to was very helpful, he said that they could just advise on things to think about, and if they weren't needed then that was ok too.
I just want to know what I can do to protect my son.

Having said that, I honestly don't see a way back from someone telling me they didn't love me any more and was in love with the OW.

OP posts:

littlecritter · 06/07/2010 19:33

Thanks gettingeasier. I had my thread deleted as there were too many details on there that could identify XP and OW - yes that description of her looking like a drag queen was accurate! There's a few surprises in store for Skiddy and I didn't want him to get wind of them.

I'm not overly worried about STD results, although I don't fancy having HIV much.

In the meantime I'm hiding out with Shaz and Armbow (as long as they don't mind!)

littlecritter · 06/07/2010 19:36

Shaz, my XP said the same. Well the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap. As far as I'm concerned there's no going back from that.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 06/07/2010 19:37

We'll all sit in the corner and cry together. If only there was wine!!

OP posts:

littlecritter · 06/07/2010 19:43

I'm hoping to have my first wine-free night tonight having consumed more than 2 bottles to myself since last Friday. I don't cry much but I do feel so sad at times. It's rubbish, isn't it?

armbow · 06/07/2010 19:57

hello ladies

just spent the last hour crying - it would be ok if i could erase the past 13 years of memories from my head. random stuff keeps popping into my mind

like when we were on holiday once and he told me he never thought he would be this happy in life (pre kids)
another time when he said he wanted us to renew our vows cos he loved me so much still and wanted everyone to know again (pre kids)

things went tits up for him and his emotions when i had our babies. i am starting to theorise that maybe some men just can't handle having kids, as much as they may love them etc they just can't 'do' families becuase that is certainly when our shit started and in our case something had to give and he chose to leave me.

littlecritter · 06/07/2010 20:08

Now, now armbow. Stop making excuses for him.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 06/07/2010 20:15

Aaagh his parents just phoned. Had to tell them. Oh shit. They were devastated.

OP posts:

armbow · 06/07/2010 20:16

i honestly believe this to be the case.

i can't explain myself properly - i am in no way blaming this on the kids being here (i love them so much and would not change that for anything even if this is my price) but the way he handled having them around. eveything was such a stress for him he never relaxed into it. he himself would admit this and it turned him into a grumpy bugger who i was always trying to please.

sometimes he made me feel as though he felt coming home was a chore

armbow · 06/07/2010 20:17

bloody hell that must have been a hard conversation to have.

littlecritter · 06/07/2010 20:22

Shaz, you mean he hasn't already told them? I wonder why? My XP hasn't told his parents either. Mind you, he still hasn't told me the truth.

Hope his parents were suitably sympathetic.

Confuzled · 06/07/2010 20:30

I think a lot of men romanticise babies before they arrive, and the reality of grindingly hard work, no money or time, and a wife who is emotionally elsewhere compared to before, plus knackered, plus not anything like as much sex, is a kicker. I seem to remember reading that the lowest satisfaction time in any marriage is when you have an under 2 year old in the home.

Shaz, I hope they were understanding and supportive.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 06/07/2010 20:38

His parents were lovely. I had warned him I wouldn't lie if they phoned, and I didn't.

littlecritter I had already asked him about his parents. When he said he hadn't said anything I acted surprised that he wasn't proudly shouting about his new love from the rooftops, and perhaps that was because it was little more than a dirty little affair. I know I can't convince him of that but it felt good to say it to him.

OP posts:

Confuzled · 06/07/2010 21:06

That's really good to hear - you deserve lots of support. They must be so very disappointed in him.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 06/07/2010 21:08

They're so upset. I felt so bad for them.

OP posts:

BrokenBananaTantrum · 06/07/2010 21:09

Hello Shaz. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to say that I think you are amazing and you seem to be dealing with the practical stuff brilliantly even if insode you feel bereaved. And it is like beareavment. Keep doing what you are doing woman . and BTW your DS sounds fab.

Confuzled · 06/07/2010 21:14

It's awful, isn't it? It affects so many people.

I agree with BBT. Every word.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 06/07/2010 22:02

Do you know what's the worst thing? My son is 1 in a couple of weeks and I'm actually dreading it. I feel so awful but it's true.

OP posts:

QwertyQueen · 06/07/2010 22:05

I just want to say that I so admire your honesty, Shaz.
You are so true to yourself about your feelings and actions, and you confront things head on.
Wish I could be like that!
Of course I am truely sorry you are going through this but you will be fine. Dont worry about future plans - nobody know what this life holds for us

QwertyQueen · 06/07/2010 22:07

Missed what you said about your son's birthday.
Like you say, he won't remember at this stage, he has a wonderful mother and that is all he needs. Stay strong x

armbow · 07/07/2010 09:03

good morning Sahz, i was going to ask you when he would be 1 as you wrote in your posts that he was 11 months old. Thinking about special occasions like this upsets me too (xmas etc.) h's parents hae not been in contact with me since all this happened i think i may write them a letter.

Flip

1 2 ··· 11 12 13 ··· 18 19