I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

[Shaz10]

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

Hi Shaz, I am normally a lurker on here but had to post, especially as I got so much wonderful support from MN when all of this happened to me a few months ago.

There are loads of similarities between what you're going through and what happened to me. I found the advice here to be mostly sound but you have to also follow your own instincts. I was never comfortable with snooping. After I told my H to either ditch the OW or leave he chose to leave. I stalked him via his e-billing for his mobile and attempted to hack in to his email but the more I found out the more it hurt. He made his decision (he is a romantic fool, always has been) and was obviously torturing himself with 'What if?' - the two most dangerous words in the English language, if you ask me! - so he had to go and find out if this relationship was all he thought it was.

Several months on I am still hurting like hell but it DOES get easier. I don't ask him what is going on with her, I haven't a clue whether they are still together - it doesn't really matter. He didn't want to save our 14 year relationship or stay under the same roof as me and our daughter, what else do I need to know? When I look back I realise that there were loads of flaws in our relationship - you are probably doing the same. That doesn't mean it was a bad relationship, so don't let his actions taint your memory (this is hard, I know!) It seems to me that some people (not just women - I know men who are like this too) are much better at accepting that you can't have a lifetime of excitement/passion/romance - the teenage feeling goes away and is replaced with a feeling of companionship and comfort. Some people see this as an excuse to start affairs and then try to persuade their devastated partner that it was beyond their control, that they can't help it, 'I'm not in love with you any more'. All bollocks if you ask me!

But what I am trying to say is that you can get through this - it's fucking hard, but you can do it. And your lovely little boy will help you - kids are a wonderful distraction. You are worth more than this and you are doing so well to stay dignified and not go round and kick the shit out of either of them. You won't regret keeping your dignity! (IMHO you will regret using your son as a weapon so try not to restrict access too much for the sake of it).

Anyway, keep your chin up and keep posting here. Sending you lots of love & hugs.

Just read mousefaces post - crikey - I didn't realise the OW 'needed time' well! Can't resist a little chuckle to myself! Cold feet, dear? Looks like your OH might end up all on his loneseome Shaz

I'd read the "more time" comment as the OW needing quite a lot of thinking time to prepare an explanation from her friends and family, that having an affair with a young father could ever be justifiable behaviour.

There are also some very competitive OW/OM who see it as a game and once they've got the man to leave, the competition's over and they lose interest.

MM, so great to hear from you and that you're doing fine. I hoped you'd come on to this thread. I re-read yours because there were so many similarities with this situation.

O yes - has anyone read 'Getting Rid Of Matthew'? It refers to exactly what Whenwill is talking about...

Thanks all. I did ask him if OW was ready for a grown up relationship yet. I do see that she's either getting cold feet or they're trying to wait till I kick him out.
I am not going to tell him to leave forever until he tells me he wants to go to her. He wants me to dump him first because he's spineless and I think he's attempting to absolve some feelings of guilt by not walking out on us. Well he can fuck off. He has to do the walking.

We talked about when I was ill etc and I said that you don't just go to someone else. You have to at least try with each other. I absolutely don't believe he fell out of love with me first. We just had a quiet patch and then got into a bit of a rut. But when I tried to get us out it was already too late for him - he had gone elsewhere.

I think I've seen enough re the phone bills etc. I do feel like I am beginning to torture myself. It's enough I know how to get hold of them. I am telling people he was shagging her so everyone else thinks they are even if they are still insisting they weren't.

I'm trying so hard not to use my son as a weapon. I have said he can come Thursday and if he asks for earlier I won't say no. But he has to ask.

I told lots of people today. I saw some of his friends and our friends and told them all. It felt quite good.

Beware of telling too many people Shaz10, just in case you two make a go of things in the future. Some people can be very judgy if you get back together again - to you and him. So whilst I wanted to shout about my DH's infidelity from the rooftops, I only told a few select people (of which only one was seriously judgy and kept her distance when we got back together).

Tell the people that will support you and who have to know - I felt my PIL needed to know how their son was treating me and their GC.

oh and unfortunately, my Dsis told anyone who would listen at her work (large energy co.) so word did spread so people who were just acquaintences came up to me to commiserate - that was hard to deal with.

Shaz, you are being so strong and you are absolutely right to make him be the one to go. My H tried to make out that I was throwing him out when I gave him the ultimatum but I wasn't having any of it - I gave him two choices, stay or go - he CHOSE to leave his wife and baby daughter. Sounds like your H wants to avoid being the bad guy - so many similarities to my situation! - so keeping your resolve is the best thing you can do right now. You need to preserve your self-esteem, because you're going to need it if you do end up having to heal by yourself.

Whenwill...thanks! I am coming out the other side (sort of). The main thing is that it's not the end of the world, just takes a while to realise that!

Oh this is so unfair. I don't deserve this. I feel like he's died, I'm sure the pain would be just as bad. How can someone do this to someone they're supposed to love - even if the love has faded?

I have been told by many people that this is like going through a form of bereavement - the pain is similar, you are grieving for your relationship and for the man you thought you knew. Bottom line is that however wretched or guilty he is feeling he is not in touch with the emotions he is putting you through, nowhere near. He is still being completely selfish, until he is able to admit that he made a mistake and beg your forgiveness.

I wish I could give you some good advice on how to repair things with him, but I can't. However there are plenty others on here who managed to work it out so hopefully one of them will be along soon. If it's what you want - what you REALLY want, then it's worth a try, but of course he has to be willing too.

(((More hugs)))

That sounds really callous to those who are bereaved. I'm sorry.

so sorry you are going through this Shaz

listen to WWIFN - she talks sense

I don't think I'm going to get a choice in this. He was saying things like "well you wouldn't want me back anyway?". I am sure he was wanting me to agree so he can go with a 'clear' conscience.

It doesn't sound callous at all. A friend's husband died and she actually said to a mutual friend whose husband did what yours has that she thought that was harder. You have lost memories, too. You have every right to grieve, you ARE grieving for your past, your future, and the man you thought you knew. This is a grieving process. But you will get past and through it - you will. And sad to say, you will be better without a man who can do this to you in the most vulnerable time in any mother's life.

Shaz When I read what you wrote 'you wouldn't want me back would you?' that actually made me think the opposite of what you thought - that he hoped you'd say 'O yes!' Either way he's a dipsh*t....

He absolutely wants you to kick him out and validate all of his feelings so that he can again lie to himself that even though he 'may' have wanted to try again, you didn't, so poor him had to just try and make a go of it with the OW....

All absolute bullsh*t! You've had some great advice on here and I totally agree with distancing yourself and being dignified (as much as you can in these situations!). But I've been exactly where you are now, with ds exactly the same age, and I am so glad that I didn't give him the 'ok' to go.

I want him to understand and accept this was his choice. And although that may mean nothing just now - when they aren't even thinking like a normal human being - in time it will.

Stay strong. You have done nothing wrong. And you will get through this. Somehow we all do

My Dad died and I grieved long and hard. A year later my fiancé started to two-time me and then dumped me. I loved my dad and he was infinitely better than the ex, but both felt like deaths and the second was harder to bear because my ex had wanted to leave and my dad had not.

Hi Shaz hope you are doing ok today.

I agree with the grieing thing btw.

it is crappy isn't it?

It is crappy. I had a sad early morning. But my son is ace and laughs and laughs. And I'm at work, which I love.

I hope you are feeling ok this morning armbow.

Was just thinking of you Shaz10. Hope you are ok and mangaging to sleep, eat and keep busy.

Hi Shaz and Armbow. I'm having to lie low at the moment as things are very fraught in RL and I don't want the risk of XP being able to read my thoughts.

Got to go to the GUM clinic today. Did you have to go through that ordeal, too?

Un?fortunately I don't. He hasn't been near for a long long time.

hello

glad you are finding your work to be a form of escapism shaz.

littlecritter - hope you are ok.