It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

Do you think it might be innocent and he hasn't told you as he thinks you will think the worst?

"Add message | Report | Contact poster By CheekyBigBrotherFan Tue 08-Jun-10 17:44:38

You are not a paranoid nutter you are trying to stop your DH shagging some slut!"

You cannot stop your partner from shagging some "slut" (nice choice of words), even with all the private detectives in the world. Either you trust them to be faithful or you don't. If you don't then imo that's the issue, why would you be with someone who you think might go and shag an ex?

He sounds about as innocent as Hitler.

Cote - you have always struck me as being very strong. Hold on to that.

I'm not trying to stop anything. Just need to know exactly what happens.

so did you read her messages on his wall? If so that is quite public for anyone to see and sounds less suspicous, you have already said he is soft, could it be that he is naive but knows your reaction will be negative, I would ask him, if its on his wall then you have done nothing wrong and you are absolutely in the right to casually ask why ane where he is meeting his ex, a private detective seems really extreme.

Thanks, fab.

I would follow Expat's advice. I would confront him and I wouldn't be especially nice to him whilst I did it.

Not on wall. Private messages.

Cote - could it be innocent?

Even if it is innocent it is just basic manners to mention it to his wife.

The thing about it all is if he goes and you do nothing you'll always wonder what happened, if he goes after a confrontation you'll wonder what happened....so you're very stuck really.

Whether this woman is desperate or not is really nothing to do with it. He has arranged to meet her and she probably knows you have no idea...their secret and so already he is sending messages that there is something between them.

If it were my DH I would probably try to catch him out, but then I have serious trust issues and doubts that we'll be together forever.

Hold on a sec, he hasn't even told you he's going yet? What?? Does he often buzz off on trips at less than a week's notice?

Do you share your home PC? If so you could download keylogger, which records everything you type!!

I wouldn't keep quiet. I would be really upset and quite angry too. I don't like deceit and I don't like secrets.

Cote - when is this infidelity business trip planned for?

I think the fact that he hasn't even told you he's going yet is very worrying.

Oh crumbs. Cote, irrespective of the ex do you want to stay with him or would you be happy to kick him out of you knew for sure he was up to no good?

If you desperately want to be with him and want to hold onto the relationship, confront him before he goes and if necessary go with him. Don't let him meet her.

If you wouldn't be too bothered about divorcing him if you knew he was shagging her, then go for the private detective.

You can't go with the private detective if you really want him to be innocent, I don't think, because it doesn't sound like it is. It will just enable this to unfold, and you'll be at home knowing what's probably going on.

And as someone said, even if they spend the night together your detective can't get in the room with them, he'll still deny deny deny. If you don't want anything to happen, then you need to explode before he goes.

Greensleeves, that would be my issue, too. In fact, I'd be so angry about it, the matter of what was going to happen on the trip would be irrelevant. He'd be separated by then.

OP seems more concerned about whether he wants to be unfaithful, though. Her prerogative.

and you should be very angry with him. Sorry you're in this situation

I'm really not convinced by the argument that OP might not get her evidence if she gets a PI because the PI won't be able to go into the hotel room with them.

If it were me then just the fact that dh had spent weeks planning an illicit meet up with another woman and then spent the night in a hotel room with her would do it for me. I wouldn't need proof of intercourse frankly.

Get a detective, (if its in East Anglia - I can do it for you)

And then... following on from what happens, confront him after.

He does sound like a muppet, although, he sounds like my DP...

I just wouldn't be able to keep a lid on it.

I'd confront him just as I said, point blank. Wait for his response, and let him know I'm not happy about it and not sure what I'm going to do about it (then I'd hire someone to tail him). If he asked later on what I planned to do about it, I'd tell him the truth. 'I've got someone to tail you, so think again, and think long and hard.'

I'd also ask how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

But I'll wager you're quite a looker, Cote, and certainly wouldn't be short of a suitor or two yourself, if that's what you fancied.

Are you okay Cote? Are you in shock? It's horrid, I am sorry.

I think vinau is right. If you want nothing to happen, then nip this in the bud and confront him.

Ask to read his FB in-box, have it out with him.

If it is in early planning, not quite real in his head stage - then pricking the bubble and making the whole thing real, and you have the proof of her emails, is perhaps the best thing to do.