It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

Can he send money without you knowing? Can't you check?

Sounds like the detective is the best idea.

Potplant - I know. It was just a funny thought.

I hold our accounts, but he can send money through his company and that I can't check.

I wouldn't post on her wall. If you contact her on FB at all, you want to imply that of course Mr Cote has told you all about their meeting and isn't keeping it a secret at all so you are perfectly happy and serene.

But that is really a tactic for use if you think he's just being a bit dim and she's trying to get her hooks into him, rather than if you think he's seriously contemplating sleeping with her.

I'd say it. You know him, his reactions will tell you how he's feeling about it and no doubt inform your next move.

If it would be a 100% dealbreaker for you, then go ahead with the PI. But don't if the report is likely to prolong your agony, iyswim.

The immediate issue, for me, would be the secrecy. Without knowing the pair of you, it's hard to tell whether there are acceptable(ish) reasons for that. Therefore, I'd advise you to start by asking him.

I love Prof's proposed FB message! But, if you do that before speaking, it's a bit passive-aggressive - so best avoided for now.

He's meeting an old flame that he hasn't told you about that he may have already gone against your wishes and sent some of your money and you are thinking of messaging her?????

Hire a detective or go with your DH.

It does sound like she is trying to get her hooks into him.

If I contacted her, the first thing she would do would be to tell DH and she would find out he didn't tell me. I would look like an idiot and they would unite against me. No.

How far away is the rendezvous?

I'd probably turn up!

I think this is hugely inappropriate. If this is a friendly "hi, how ya doin'?" kind of meet up then why the secrecy? Does he not appreciate how hurtful this is? And, how the hell would he react if you were to do the same thing...and not tell him about it? However, you asked WWYD. Being a bolshy type and not being able to keep my mouth shut: I think I would have to agree with Indgio: try to calmly and quietly ask him if this is what he is going to do. You do not need to tell him you have checked on FB - your gut instinct was correct anyway for you to have to go to FB to check anyway! Your actions from that point onwards will be determined by his response. I would also not rule out posting on FB - as you suggested. I would not hire a PI - unless you could access his account and get him to pay for it, albeit inadvertently! I hope, for your sake, it is all innocent but, truly, tbh, I think that when it smells rotten, it usually is!

Posie - I'm not thinking about messaging her. That is a bad idea for reasons I mentioned below.

Good for you.....get a detective.

I would ask him, I would come clean and say you had seen one of his messages and want to know whats going on, after that if you still mistrust him get the PI and double check.

Could you suggest to him going along with him 'for old times sake' and see what his reaction is?

If I ask him what it is about, he will say something like "Oh it's a coincidence, she will be in town, we'll see each other for an hour, and I was going to tell you anyway".

I would have to mention it. I would ask about the money too.

Tbh, the money alone would be a deal breaker for me let alone the secrecy and lies.

do you have any other reason to be suspicious of him? Do you really think this meeting with his ex is suspicious?

If so, hire the detective.

If not, then just ask him about it.

Am very sorry to read this Cote. It does not sound good at all and he could well be entering into an emotional affair with this woman.

Has your H become more critical towards you during the last couple of months?. More snippy?.

What about his mobile, is that left within plain sight or is it seemingly attached to him at all times?.

i honestly think you need to just talk to your dh before he goes on this trip about this, nip it all in the bud before it goes any further. it may well be that she's got in touch with him, he's flattered by the attention, but once faced with the fact that you know will be a huge reality check.

Tricky
I'd go with being fully informed whilst keeping quiet
Detective is your answer

Sit down and talk to him. I went through something similar last year with my DH texting an ex. The messages I found were VERY suggestive and although he admitted they'd met, he swore nothing intimate had happened. I didn't see it coming at all and struggled with the shock. Because he swore nothing had happened (and it sounds like this is the case with your DH at the moment) we talked lots and ended up doing 10 weeks at Relate (many rows and living separately inbetween). You MUST take action now and stop something happening as he probably just isn't thinking straight and can't see what a vile individual the ex is - if she is trying to get her claws into him. My DH had to swear never to contact her again and that if she contacts him he will tell me. I still have the odd wobble about it but ultimately I do love him and I want us to be together and he feels the same.