It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

You seem very calm and analytical Cote. I have a feeling you're going to handle this well, however it turns out.

however you plan to go forward, i would start looking at your finances and assets now. if i were you i think i might go see a solicitor to get the lay of the land regarding this.

however RE: the situation, i think hiring the detective.

even if he doesn't shag her - the fact that he has omitted telling you he was meeting her - plus the fb comments and PI photos would be solid evidence enough of a liaison with which you could confront him.

i have to say that i would do everything in my power to do the spying myself - although i realise you said you haven't got childcare

V good point re the finances custardo

What I would do is hire a P.I have him followed to the date, get confirmation that they went on the date then call him and ask him where he is and what he's up too. If he lies he's either (imo) already cheating or planning too.

It's all very well confronting him but that won't stop him in the long term. All he will do is either deny it and say he forgot to tell you or he didn't because you would over react.
Then he'll arrange at some other point to meet her.

Plus your evidence from the P.I will come in handy if you want to sue for adultery.

Thinking he might have shagged her (confronting him now) wouldn't be good enough for me ...i would want/need to know he shagged her. Go for the detective.
I am sorry.

He does go on short business trips with only a few days' notice, usually just for the day or one night only. It is the nature of his business.

I wouldn't hire a detective. He could turn that one around on you... "You don't trust me... you drove me to it".

I'd tell him what you know and how hurt you are feeling.

I've put wine in freezer. Might have a chat along these lines when dc are in bed.

I would just be so angry that he was taking advantage of my trust. He often goes away at short notice, you say, and you trust that he's doing what he says he's doing. By pre-planning one of these 'ad-hoc' trips, he clearly intends to use your trust to pull the wool over your eyes. This makes me furious.

However, you seem very clear about where you stand and what you need before you make any decisions. I admire you - and sympathise, of course! Are you going to let him go away, then follow through?

i agree with hiring the detective. i'd wait until after the event to decide what to do about it.

I wouldn't do it in bed.

I'd do it in the living room over a glass of wine, but I'd be sober as a judge myself.

I like to keep a clear head, and in times like this especially.

I'd pour you both a glass on the pretext of relaxing, then I'd just spill it.

If he pulls the you-don't-trust me card, I'd remind him that trust, like resepct, is earned, and planning to wine and dine your ex on a business without telling me and PMing her on FB, well, that rather speaks for itself.

Then I'd give him the floor and see how he tries to snake out of it.

I'd hire a detective.

If you tell him what you know now he will try to claim the moral high ground. Yes he's in the wrong for not telling you but he will claim it was just a friendly dinner and of so little consequence it slipped his mind. He will get pissy with you for snooping (maybe) as a defence - make it all about you.

If you hire the detective then either you are reassured that nothing happened apart from dinner. Or if worse then you really do have grounds for going mental.

x-post again, sorry

But you know he's been planning this one for much longer than that, so what are you going to do when he pretends that it's only just come up with a few days' notice? Are you going to pretend that you believe him, or are you going to say that you've known for ages?

I quite like the idea of wrong-footing him and saying "Oh darling, didn't you know until now? I've known for simply ages"

hire a sitter from here and go and see what's going on

it would be cheaper than a Private investigator and you wouldn't have to sit around worrying

x-posts with lots

'If you tell him what you know now he will try to claim the moral high ground. Yes he's in the wrong for not telling you but he will claim it was just a friendly dinner and of so little consequence it slipped his mind. He will get pissy with you for snooping (maybe) as a defence - make it all about you.'

OR, if she knows how to phrase it just so, with that tone of voice, and I reckon she does, he'll know she's got the measure of him.

I'd confront him, just as I stated before.

Then hire a PI tomorrow morning.

I think I would be suspicious because he is planning the meet with ex but hasn't yet told you about the actual trip; that would be what would make me particularly unhappy / uneasy.

I definitely would not confront him for now. he'll deny anything untoward and weasel his way out if there is something going on. and then he'll be more careful hiding things.

a. if you're prepared for liklehood of divorce, go pi route
b. if you want to try and rescue relationship...show up (find a way/place to put dcs)
c. again rescue relationship, try and gather more info then confront when you have a better idea of exactly what is going on

sorry you're going through this

sorry cote - what a shit situation.

Custardo - All our savings are in my name (and only in my name) anyway. That is because I do the investments and all other financial stuff. His access is only to our current account, in a separate bank.

Do you have a day or two to formulate a plot, Cote, or are you ready to bring it up tonight?.

Either way, best of luck

Shockers - I don't think "you hurt my feelings" is a winning argument. And besides, my feelings are not hurt. Yet.