It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

Blueshoes, on a personal level, of course this is a big deal. But realistically this type of thing is unfortunately quite common. If it were me, I would probably strenghten my own defences and get busy with my own life and develop a few of my own little flirtations. But that is because I have too much pride than to let what might possibly just be some ego-boosting infatuation get in the way of my own life and sanity. I wouldn't want to let some silly little other woman mess up my headspace.

That's just me - everyone has a different way of dealing with these types of situation and my past experiences have made me slightly emotionally detached in that I am not going to let other people (even my partner) mess up my life.

The fact is, these types of situations tend to erode respect, so that whatever happens the errant husband (or wife) will get comeback on this.

You also have to consider that fidelity is not necessarily the worst crime in the world for everyone. In fact, in my opinion, there are worse things - but that is just me and I have hijacked the thread again. Sorry, just a different perspective. There aren't that many emotionally very mature men around in my humble opinion and they tend to be led by a certain part of the anatomy that works independently of the brain.

Of course you are not sending them but you are uploading them on purpose so she will see them.

If you believed your husband and trusted him you wouldn't even have thought about what to do to make her believe your marriage is solid.

I know I am new to the thread so forgive me if I am speaking out of turn.

but re the whole rescuer thing:

my dh has had various people pop in and out of his life that needed "rescuing" some for silly every day reasons others for truly sad ones - not all women i hasten to add. At no time was he asked to help them he felt that he should "step up" if you see what i mean.
anyway one of these people (a woman) came a little too close for comfort recently and as such nearly derailed our relationship. I am normally through life quite a strong person (although my self esteem and judgement has nose dived due to recent events) and perhaps there is something in the fact that you are strong and secure in yourself (you said before you did not understand why people were suggesting you should be insecure in yourself) does he feel as though you need him do you think? Earlier you mentioned you had your own thoughts about why he may have been tempted to stray - do you think he he is craving to be needed by you?
(truly hope I have not offended in any way )

ignore me if I am way off the mark....

Interesting. Myself I'd have let him go and asked afterwards.

Fab - I trust people only about as far as I can throw them and DH even less at this point.

My point is that (1) there is no way she can know I upload them so she will see them, (2) there are quite few pictures of us together on FB so it won't be a new phenomenon that can be due to her appearance in our lives, and (3) even if she suspects that, so what, since the end result is that he stayed here rather than going to meet her, we went out and had fun together looking all loved up, as she will see with her own eyes.

I have dealt with wannabe-OWs in many relationships and imo showing them how good you are together, in person or in photos, is a powerful tactic.

Quattrocento - That was my initial thought, as well. Wise MNers on this thread convinced me that it was a good idea to preserve our marriage by preventing the first meeting.

This is a first offense so DH's sentence was suspended, as it were. If he tries to pull something like this again, I will stick a PI on his ass and use the proof I obtain to divorce him so fast that his head will spin. I told him so in no uncertain terms.

arm bow - I don't this this near-miss of an affair was a cry for attention, a symptom of DH "craving to be needed by me". Although he knows that I will kick him out in a heartbeat if he pushes me to the limit, I believe he knows I need him - especially at around bath time/bedtime

poodie, I don't share your assessment of men. I think you have had some bad experiences with men. I will leave it at that.

Cote, very impressed with your experience and ability to despatch wannabe OWs.

I started a thread recently about a friend with concerns about splitting from his wife and was quite shocked at the anti-male responses. When I took a look at some of the comments these MNers had posted elsewhere it soon became apparent that they'd had some really unfortunate experiences including exes using prostitutes. So I have to sympathise with those who mistrust all men as a result of bitter personal experience.

It's only normal for our experiences to color the way we view the world.

How are you feeling Cote? Are you and h talking about this or have you buried it?

Blue shoes - some men are like that, so are some women come to think of it. I think that there are not that many emotionally intelligent men out there. I have not had particularly bad experiences with men. I have a very long term partner and before that I had a long term boyfriend who I have remained friends with. The father was a bit of a chauvenist but not especially so given the norms of his generation.

I find that men especially, more than women, get carried away with their ego which leads to all sorts of problems. Not all men obviously - but it is not an uncommon trait.

Emotional intelligence is probably not particularly a gender thing, come to think of it. I think it is relatively rare in either sex.

Not that you need my opinion, Cote, but I agree it's a good idea to upload photos & change your album settings, as planned.

Did the brother actually send the info to your H, or was it simply his personal status update?

Couldn't resist coming back to this thread just for this:

Poodie, can you see though that your response to infidelity is far removed from the emotional intelligence of which you speak?

Emotional intelligence involves being honest about behaviour that hurts us - not arranging tit-for-tat encounters. It means swallowing the pride of which you speak, too. Pride is much the same as ego.

This is going to sound very personal, but so be it. It is actually said from a good heart though, I promise.

I think you are hurting. I think you spend a lot of time convincing yourself and trying to persuade us on here that it is unrealistic to expect fidelity and over-dramatic to worry if we sense it has happened. At times your posts are measured and sympathetic about hurts suffered and at times they are angry and hectoring.

This is what I was alluding to downthread. It is actually far more emotionally intelligent to show our vulnerabilities and express hurt. Far more adult to resolve difficulties and expectations by dialogue, than letting hurt pride get in the way and behaving badly oneself.

From what you've said in the past about your partner's infidelities, I'd venture that this has hurt you very much indeed and that you cope with it by calling the other women "silly" and also infantilising your partner (and perhaps men in general) with your comments about men being led by their ego.

I think you're right about women being just as deficient in emotional intelligence, but would suggest you might just be one of those women.

It is okay to say you're hurting.

I too got that impression WWIFN but refrained from commenting as this is about Cote.

Ladylush - I'm fine, thanks for asking. DH and I are not talking about this but we are talking a lot these days (haven't for a while, caught up in the routine side of things).

It is not buried and I will come back to it and talk some more, but I'm biding my time and waiting for the right moment.

For the record, I personally think "emotional intelligence" is a non-sensical phrase with a clear contradiction in terms. The only people I have seen in RL talking about their "emotional intelligence" are invariably those who are lacking in real intelligence.

If such a thing exists, I'm fairly sure that I don't have it so I guess you can see that it is not only men who lack it.

Wow, in one post you have written poodie and I off for lacking intelligence Cote. You were certainly right about lacking the emotional kind.

I didn't mean to offend you and was actually thinking of my mother when I wrote that but I see now how you would take offense. Apologies for that.

At least you see I was right re not having any of this soi-dissent "emotional intelligence", though :-)

More seriously, one look at the definition of the word "intelligence" shows that the phrase "emotional intelligence" does not make sense. No more than, say, "muscular intelligence".

I remember when the book that first talked about EQ came out and how my mother and other people I've always thought were a bit uninterested in intellectual stuff were agog over it, a la "See, it is not that we are not clever, this is what we have".

But I digress...

Soi-disant, obviously.

Damn this auto-correct thing on mobile.

That's tosh. The two aren't mutually exclusive. But never mind.

i do think that 'emotional intelligence' doesn't need its own separate term, because it's just intelligence applied differently from, say, mathematical intelligence. I.e., it's 'intelligence about human relationships and emotions' isn't it?

And WWIFN, you certainly have it in spades.

Apology accepted Cote

Big difference, I think between intelligence and intellect, incidentally.

'intelligence about human relationships and emotions'

We already have a word for that: Empathy.

Intelligence has to do with reasoning, problem solving, and learning, among other cognitive functions. It is not about emotions, the ability to feel them or its lack thereof.