It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

Cote, you've said that you're going to monitor his future behaviour and you've said that you'll be looking to see how he makes this up to you, but what are you going to do as a couple to get past this?

What has he said he will do?

Given that he appears to have thrown away his original excuse for lying (i.e. that you would over-react) what is he saying was the real reason for lying to you, then?

I agree with Bonsoir re the naïveté of expecting anyone to be 100% honest and transparent, by the way.

That's a shame

Some men like putting aspects of their lives in boxes. I didn't realise my h was one of these men and it came as a huge shock to me when I found out. Cote, how does your h reconcile his thoughts about you meeting exes with his own clandestine intention on meeting one of his? He shouldn't have needed you to point out the discrepancy. I suspect he was definately getting something out of the secrecy of the arrangement - regardless of the intention. That would bother me greatly. He says he wouldn't do anything to risk his family but he already has - without trust what do you have? WWIFN is right imo - honesty and transparency are crucial here. Otherwise it will be hard to shake off the ever questioning inner voice - which can be torturous.
A lot of people posting here have personal experience which makes it hard to give objective advice. I said before that only you can decide how to deal with this. It sounds like you handled it well and are relatively pleased with the outcome but don't be hard on yourself or feel surprised if you find it hard to put this behind you. You and h may need to thrash this out a bit more. By the way, for a non-native speaker your English is fantastic Good luck Cote

Why? Are you 100% open and honest to your DH?

If you dream about having great sex with an ex, do you wake up and tell your DH?

When your legs are hairy and you need a minute to shave them before sex, do you tell your DH why you are saying "Not now, wait for tonight?"

We have urges and involuntary thoughts that we don't even admit to ourselves, let alone to others.

I don't expect DH or anyone else to tell me all that passes in their heads. I do expect DH to not lie to me or deceive me, even by omission.

Cote I've followed this thread but not yet posted - just wanted to say how much I admire your calm and mature way of handling what must have been a very painful situation

WWIFN - I will get back to the questions you have asked when I have a minute. I have to go now.

Cote, yes I am honest about the things that really matter, which contrary to your rather silly examples, was what I was suggesting. However, FWIW having hairy legs would not stop me having sex at all and if I needed to do anything hygiene-wise prior to having sex, then I would have no difficulty expressing that. It seems quite bizarre to me that anyone would.

Of course there is so much about us that is unconscious and this is in fact what I was suggesting downthread - probably some of what your H is saying he believes himself. Only a conversation will bring the unconscious into the open.

I confess I'm reacting quite badly now to your tone and defensiveness, so will leave this thread and wish you well.

Hairy legs are the least of my problems.

Anyone can only be as honest with another as they are with themself.

Additionally I have found it recently beneficial to bring unconscious wishes and thoughts into the conscious. Ive done this through continuing counselling and deep discusssions with friends.

Lucky old Mr Blinder eh ?

Actually I was speaking hypothetically .

Cote, as you say, it is a first offence. You have dealt with it appropriately.

I recently read a quote, which made me think of your circumstances:

The stupid do not forgive or forget
The naive forgive and forget
The wise forgive but do not forget

No guesses which category I believe you belong to ...

WWIFN - I am sorry you feel I have become "defensive" and changed my "tone". Honestly, I don't think so.

I actually agree with you that DH and I have a long road ahead of us. Where we disagree is perhaps a difference in personality and understanding of the human psyche - where you believe complete honesty in all things is essential in a couple, I agree with Bonsoir re the complexity of the human psyche and do not mind leaving a 'secret garden' in the other person as I would like to keep one within myself.

I hope you are not leaving this thead in anger.

In any case, I hope you will stay long enough to see this post, because I wanted to thank you for your wise advice earlier.

blueshoes- I am far from forgiving DH. Let us say that he received a suspended sentence.

ladylush - Of course, there is no reconciling what he did and what he expects of me. And I know he was definitely getting a thrill out of the secrecy of his contact with the wannabe-OW. Yes, all of this disturbs me and I told him so. He seemed to be justifying it to himself with "But there is nothing Cote needs to worry about here, because we are only friends and nothing further will happen".

The only thing that kept me from Bobbitizing him was e fact that in all their correspondence, there was not one word of endearment. No "dear" or "miss you" etc.

Would it have developed into something more if I didn't intervene? Quite possibly. The price I paid for preventing this affair from starting is the certainty of knowing "what my man is made of", as someone put it further down the thread. That now remains to be seen.

I can't believe some of the rubbish posted on here by some really bitter individuals. Most of you seem to think that all men should be tarred with the same brush. We are all women but clearly we dont think the same.
Cote, i think you have handled a very bad situation in a very good way. Can anyone of us really say that we haven't made a bad descision at some point, decieved a partner/husband in one way or another. whether that be for a good reason or bad.Nobody can ever know what someone is relly thinking.Really we are all human, sometimes we forget how good we have got it. If we all dumped our partners on first offences what state would the world be in.
You are right to give your husband the chance to put things right Cote. Now he has been reminded whats a stake. Good luck with everything i hope it works out well for you.

Agree with monkeysmum it sounds like all if you wouldn't be happy unless cotes marriage had fallen apart, or you just like the drama and want to drag it out

to be fair, cote has received some measured and good advice on here, and has taken her own sensible (imo) approach to resolving situation. In the end only she really knows/can decide what to do, everyone is different and every relationship is different. There will always be good, bad and ok advice on these threads It's a matter of picking out what suits you.

agree with clueless and wwb. the information cote has posted here about her dh is merely a snapshot, she knows her dh a lot better than the rest of mn does. trust that she is taking advice, and will do what is best for her and her family.

clueless to be fair, very few (if any) posters intimated that they'd be happy for cote's marriage to end. Most gave their opinion and advice based on personal experience or thoughts on what they would do in her shoes.

Interesting thread if a bit long! I do think it is quite revealing how little tolerance many women seem to have of any kind of deviation that their partner takes from the "perfect" partner route with regard to interest in other women. What a huge culture shift from say, 20 or more years ago when women turned a blind eye to all sorts of stuff simply because they didn't really have a choice - divorce was still quite taboo and as a woman on your own with children you were an object of pity if not derision so it was better to stick with an unfaithful husband than the alternative.

Not saying that the change is bad, but perhaps we have just come too far the other way, whereby if a man so much entertains the idea of a cosy lunch with another woman, the wife starts hiring a private detective and lining up the divorce lawyers. To my mind, this would be a huge over-reaction.

Now, where are all these perfect husbands whose minds are unsullied by anything other than thoughts of their wives blissful happiness?? Must find one!

No wonder the divorce rate is so high, the expectations are so high now. (Not saying you should put up with infidelity necessarily, but to expect people to remain in one relationship for 50 odd years without clandestine thoughts/actions is just plain unrealistic in my humble opinion!)

Poodie fine if it works both ways. Cote's h does not like her meeting ex partners.

Oh and as for the PI - she wasn't entertaining that thought because h was lining up a lunch with an ex. She was considering the PI because he had kept this secret from her, the OW was being flirtatious and Cote was concerned that h might be entertaining sex.

poodie: "(Not saying you should put up with infidelity necessarily, but to expect people to remain in one relationship for 50 odd years without clandestine thoughts/actions is just plain unrealistic in my humble opinion!)"

Tagging on clandestine actions to that is very dodgy indeed. If meeting with an ex is not a big deal, then arrangements to do so are not clandestine.

In Cote's case, it was actions and it was clandestine - very thin ice.

No doubt you would be happy in Cote's position to just turn a blind eye for the sake of an easy comfortable life.