It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

nothing wrong with cosy lunch if he is happy to discuss with wife either before or after.
Affairs - emotional or otherwise - only exist because of the secrecy and thrill that it brings. And usually both parties know this and so have a little secret only they share.

I actually went out for lunch with a very old friend (who shoudl have been more in the past ). I did get a bit excited too - in that it was fun to see how we had both changed and i was even curious to see if that spark was still there.
What i found really odd though is that he just couldnt believe that i had told my h about it - he had not told his dp. I think it even put him off me - i think he wanted that secret meeting and suggested places where we would not be seen - i wasnt bothered if we were anyway - i had nothing to hide.

What HappyWoman and others said.

I have no problem with DH meeting an ex for a lunch. In fact, he rather regularly meets an ex of his who is now a friend when he goes to London on business. In have met this woman and I know they are friends.

The problem here was that this woman is not a friend, however you define the term. All of a sudden, following her divorce, she comes onto him through FB and they plot a secret rdv in another city, at a romantic place where DH took me when we first started going out. He does not say a word about this to me for a month than magically comes up with a business trip to that city on that very date they agreed to meet on So no, I don't think it was unreasonable of me to react to this.

I can't believe anyone would think you were unreasonable!

Poodie seems to think so, but I'm guessing that is because she hasn't read the while thread (I don't blame her - it is a bit long).

CoteDAzur - I've only just seen this thread but I think you handled things brilliantly!

I believe that it's possible that he wasn't actually intending to embark upon an affair but would have been sucked into it if the meeting had taken place.

He probably felt comfortable meeting this woman because he knows that you don't have a problem with him socialising with other ex gfs

So he can allow himself to feel 'innocent' whilst having had a huge wake-up call about what he stands to lose.

Well done!

You were more reasonable than I would have been!

Now her brother is pitching her to DH. Wth?

"xx is in (city near you)", out of nowhere.

WHAT? Is this through FB too? I'd get him to delete her..

Cote I've jsut read this. You are so mature and well, amazing. I'm just so impressed with how you've handled this. No advice I just sometimes read relationships threads and I've never seen anyone deal with something like this in such an incredible manner. I hope you stay on MN, because if anything like this ever happens to me, I will want your advice every step of the way.

Her brother??

Are you sure they aren't still after the money Cote?

That sounds odd, Cote.

I'm guessing it's her brother as part of the surname is the same. DH says her grandmother gave her the money but who knows.

Re "get him to delete her on FB"

I thought about it but decided that I actually need her to be there because:
(1) If she does not message him on FB, I won't know what is going on between them
and
(2) We have several rather glamorous events coming up over the next two weeks where we will surely have more than a few romantic photos taken. I will put them on FB and tag DH. Now that I have changed my privacy settings so that "friends of friends" can see my photos, she will get to see all our family photos including the new romantic ones. Seeing me all pretty and made up in his arms and us looking happy as a couple should dampen her enthusiasm for DH.

I think that is a really bad idea tbh.

cote

i have not posted before but have read the whole thread. I think this throws a slightly different light on the subect. The whole thing from her side seems quite predatory. Her brother ?????

have you spoken to DH about this? can you check how he responds to the message before you do.

by the way, as others as said before your dignity and calm nature are a credit to you.

someone nemtioned previously (i think it was WWIFN) about "the rescuer" persona.

Does your DH fall into this category and do you think she could be playing on his better nature?

Why, Fab?

I don't think are being unreasonable at all - you are obviously very upset and quite rightly so! I am simply suggesting that rushing in with private detectives is, in my humble opinion, possibly not the most effective approach if you want to maintain good marital relations.

I think I was just hijacking this thread more as a way of making a general observation on the hugely different expectations that people have of marriage these days compared to in the past.
In general I think it is a good thing but it does lead to an awful lot of breakups/divorce/unfulfilled expectations because a great many people I suspect find lifelong monogamy quite a struggle.

Obviously, on a personal level, the discovery that one's partner is planning a secret assignation is traumatic.

But the unfortunate reality is that this situation is not, sadly, uncommon. Sorry, probably not helpful at all, but at least you know you are not alone, I suppose.

what was the reason he gave her for not meeting her? did he tell her it was because you challenged him?

coudl she be asking to get her brother to message him so she can stay under the rader (although pretty daft considering they share the same surname - it is not her ex dh is it?)

PI idea was only so I would know if they met and what happened when they met. Since this rdv was to take in another city and I couldn't very well leave DC with anyone and run off after him, this seemed to be the only way I would know the truth.

I don't know what he said to her armbrow. Knowing human nature, possibly something like "Sorry I can't make it, work needs me here" blah blah.

I think it is a bad idea as it shows her you are insecure and don't trust your husband and also care what she thinks.

Yea he is a bit of a "rescuer", by the way, and tends to throw money at people with problems. If it wasn't for me keeping the accounts, he wouldn't have any money saved.

Her brother? I thought it was your dh's brother. Strange.

i agree on the facebook thing, it seems a bit desperate

How would she get that message? I don't understand.

I won't send photos to her, just upload them to my FB profile. She will only get to see them because she is a "friend" of DH. And they won't be our first photos on FB.