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Original poster

Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

355 replies

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 08:23

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

OP posts:
MakeMineABellini · 02/06/2010 18:17

BS but that wouldn't upset your partner, he wouldn't be devastated at the thought of you hiking up a mountain would he?

If my partner was just on a website seeking out thrills I'd be gutted (been there got the T shirt) If he was seeking out more, be it a gay encounter, dressing up as a baby, or wanting group sex, for me it would multiply ten fold!

Dollytwat · 02/06/2010 18:20

Sorry CS but you said you were a man then posie said you were a woman.

You'll need to clear this up before I can take you seriously

BalloonSlayer · 02/06/2010 18:23

No Dolly I thought that too at first, what she says is that when she is talking to her DP pretending to be someone on the dating site, she is being a man.

BalloonSlayer · 02/06/2010 18:25

Bellini, I know it was a weak analogy but I was just trying to say that an "armchair interest" in a certain activity need not neccessarily indicate a profound enthusiasm to participate in it oneself.

Dollytwat · 02/06/2010 18:27

oh OK thanks BalloonSlayer for clearing that up

thatsnotmymonkey · 02/06/2010 19:04

CS is a woman, the person she is talking about is a man, and is soon to be her husband. She has reason to believe he is on a transgender/sexual site, as a man. The OP has since gone on the site and posed as a man to see what her partner will do. The OP is posing as a man. Her soon to be husband is interested in men it would seem, or at least interested in men who like to dress as women.

I think that is it in a nutshell!

CS I hope you have a lovely evening out with your friends. Things will become clear, but I still think you need more evidence of what may be going on, and ultimately you have to think aboyt what you want. Are you OK with the potential ambiguous sexuality of your soon to be DH? Don't live a lie, and you will be doing him a huge favour if he can be supported not to either.

CJCregg · 02/06/2010 19:22

CompletelyShocked, apologies for my post earlier - it was aimed at the 'troll', not you. (Have been out or would have said so sooner.)

posieparker · 02/06/2010 19:33

The more I think about it the more I think OP's DH has an interest in dressing as a woman...and he's looking fro advice.

thatsnotmymonkey · 02/06/2010 19:37

Posie, that is what I am thinking. I have 2 male friends, both of whom "came out" much later in life, and it sort of sounds like something like that.

He sounds so perfect and wonderful, if it sounds too good to be true...it usually is

BalloonSlayer · 02/06/2010 20:00

Transsexuals are NOT men who like to dress as women.

Transsexuals are people who feel they have been born into the wrong-sex body and who have surgery to become the sex they believe they should be.

Men who like to dress as women are called transvestites. They are sometimes gay, but often not at all.

There is a big difference. The OP has said transsexual.

stripeywoollenhat · 02/06/2010 20:01

op, you really need to talk to your partner about this: because the range of possibilities here is from prurient interest to sex change, and it may be that some of these options are not deal breakers for you, but it would be better to know before taking the plunge, for both of you; you should talk to him rather than proceeding with a 'sting' operation, i would have thought - too humiliating for either of you to receover from, i would have thought.

thatsnotmymonkey · 02/06/2010 20:36

ballonslayer you are quite right, sorry was getting my terms muddled

posieparker · 03/06/2010 07:37

oooops, me too! Is there a preference for transexuals who are way past the op'? Or is it a dating site for people pre/post/during the operation stage? Because what's the difference?

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 03/06/2010 08:16

thatsnotmymonkey, thanks for explaining that in brief for me

Ok, update: I couldnt get hold of his phone last night as I was out and he was in bed when I got back.

But I have managed to get onto his profile on the site in question - I just tried his facebook password with his username and it let me in. So, it's definitely him

He did have a few old messages in his inbox and also sent messages but on reading them, they all seem to be about photos. I.e. he messages people saying 'nice photos' or words to that effect and then they will reply saying 'thanks'. Or some of them have sent messages saying 'thanks for looking at my photos, hope you liked them' and he replied 'yes they're great' etc.

So - is he using this site as a bit of a porn site? None of the messages (apart from the ones from my alter-ego), mention meeting up, phone numbers, personal details or anything.

I'm not really sure what to make of all this.

Oh and its a TV/TS/TG site, not just TS - I just naively grouped them altogether as TS, sorry

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonkey · 03/06/2010 08:33

CS, poor you...sounds like you have enough to go on and have a difficult and honest conversation with your DH.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you, it can't be easy.

Prepare yourself for him to deny deny deny, and I would try my best to stay calm and say, "I love you, I want to help you, but you need to be honest with me." Be really firm, ask him to move out for a while if he can't be honest with you. He will need space and security and feel that he will be "safe" in being open with you.

Is there a helpline you could call, like a TS support line?

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 03/06/2010 08:58

Thank you, this is so hard.

I cant get my head around it, I came in last night and saw him laying asleep in bed - I sat outside the bedroom and sobbed for what seemed like hours. I feel like maybe I dont really know him at all anymore

I am going to speak to him, I just need to find the right time, the right words, and have the right thoughts in my head.

OP posts:
analbeard · 03/06/2010 09:50

completelyshocked this must be so hard for you. often people can decieve in many ways and seem to be really loving etc. in a way at least you know about this now and havent found out 10 years down the line.

if i were you i would not say anything to him and instead see how far he would go using the other profile. if you talk to him about it he may lie and continue to decieve you. if you use your other profile you will be able to see the truth.

how awul this is for you. hope your ok and can stay strong. gather some stregnth and get some more details out of him and arrange to meet and see very discetely if he turns up. if he does you know the truth about him. also try and get hold of the phone. hope your ok

EleanorHandbasket · 03/06/2010 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2010 11:36

OK this man has some sort of issues around gender and sexuality. He may be a transvestite, he may have a fetish for transvestites/transsexuals or both, he may have gender dysphoria himself.
The fetish may be mild-ish ie he just wants photographs of cross-dressing or transgendered people to wank over, or he may be taking the first steps towards gender reassignment of his own.
OP this is going to be very hard for you but you must stop spying and speak to him directly. It's hard for him too (this is harder and less about breaching monogamy than a bloke trawling ordinary sex sites looking for hookups), hard for him to come to terms with what his sexual tastes/orientation may be as we live in such a massively heteronormative world.
Plese don't feel that this is your fault in any way and definitely don't allow him to suggest that if you dressed differently or agreed to sexual acts you have previously not wanted to try then he would no longer 'feel the need' to explore this side of himself. Some men with gender issues can be selfish and cruel to the partners they are basically using as badges of normality.

thatsnotmymonkey · 03/06/2010 11:39

SGB, great post, brutal, but true.

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 03/06/2010 13:53

Sorry, been out working.

Yes, I am going to stop the honeytrap now, it was making me feel guilty for a start! But also, it's not fair on him and I should just talk to him about it.

SGB thank you for your posts. Even though they upset me, I know you speak sense and always give excellent advice - no matter how brutal it may sound. I really do appreciate your advice x

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/06/2010 13:58

SGB is brilliant and especially on this thread.

You have found out all you need for now, I think. And you do need to talk to him. If he's got this underlying desire but has never acted, and you can be open and sympathetic with him (if that's something you're comfortable with) then he will be so so so relieved that you know.

Good luck.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2010 14:01

CS: I do sympathise with you, this is something very hard to go through. Your DP may well be releived you know, and come clean with you, and then the two of you can decide what should happen next. Or he may get unreasonable and hostile and try to deflect it all on to you - in which case it might be time to walk away, it's not your duty to be his caretaker while he sorts out his issues.

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 03/06/2010 14:13

If he's only looking at photographs though and not entering into any real dialogue with these people then this could be just a mild-ish fetish, couldn't it?

I know I need to prepare myself for the worst possible scenario but I'm just trying to work out what the best possible scenario would be!

OP posts:
posieparker · 03/06/2010 14:29

CS...would you really feel okay with this mild fetish? And as far as I wouldn't take my own advice, you only live one life and compromise is only worth it if you're comfortable.

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