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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

355 replies

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 08:23

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

OP posts:
CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 14:59

Ok, I understand now, haven't been on MN for a few days so seem to have missed the Steve saga!

I might actually start a new thread once I have an update for you all...

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 02/06/2010 15:12

Im missed the steve saga too. Hope you are okay CS

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 15:20

I'm not really ok, no. But I've decided not to say anything yet. I need to get my head together, decide what I'm going to do and prepare myself for the worst I guess.

I've just organised to go out with a couple of work mates tonight for a meal. Being out of the house and in company will hopefully take my mind of this for a while. Then I'll sleep on it.

In the meantime, he has been texting me his usual 'i love you, i miss you, cant wait for you to be my wife' type messages - which, ultimately make me feel quite sad.

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 02/06/2010 15:32

I think that the best plan of action. You need to completely sure of everything before you confront it- and at the moment I think he will talk you around.

Take care xx

GiraffeYoga · 02/06/2010 15:33

Good decision CS.

I was glad of a week on holiday to plan my strategy. I meant I wasnt so livid when discussing it.

Enjoy your evening.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/06/2010 15:34

I think the problem with trying to have a conversation is the same one you have when you suspect your husband of cheating - he will deny it until he is blue in the face, will accuse you of being insane!! Until you pull out a small piece of proof - then he will admit to that and ONLY that and deny anything else and accuse you of not trusting him - until you pull out one other bit of proof - and then he will admit to that and only that and swear on the children's lives that there was nothing else - until you pull out one more piece of proof ...

What I am trying to say is that if we lived in an ideal world you wouldn't need to find everything out before laying it before him because he would be truthful.

But if we lived in that world, you would already know because he would already have sat down with you and told you his feelings on this, his confusion maybe, his desire to play away perhaps, who knows?

My point is that they don't tell you the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. They tell you as little as they can possibly get away with.

GiraffeYoga · 02/06/2010 15:56

Good point Hectate, very good point.....

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 16:11

Hecate, yes I agree. And I know he will do that, even more so because the type of thing he's into is not so 'mainstream'.

I have no idea how I'm going to act normal around him tonight. But I need to. I can't do anything without thinking it through first or I may say/do something which I'll later regret.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 16:18

What if someone else messaged him for you in a more forthright manner?

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 16:35

His last message to my false account was along the lines of 'i could possibly meet you, where are you staying'

I was thinking of replying something like 'sorry but ive had a change of heart, thinking of my poor girlfriend and how completely devastated she'd be if she found out I was messing about on here behind her back and potentially arranging to meet someone. so I've decided to delete my account'

I thought that may guilt him into telling me? He's bound to know/suspect it's me if I send that - isnt he?

Or is that a completely ridiculous idea?!

OP posts:
CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 16:36

And also, if it's not him - thats a perfectly acceptable reason for no contact, i think.

In the meantime I'll check his phone internet history

OP posts:
Flighttattendant · 02/06/2010 16:37

I don't think you should do that. Getting involved heavily in deceit of this type is not going to make you look good.

You are really better telling him you googled his old username and that's what you found.

Keep the moral highground here. You will regret it if you start fooling about and making things up - could make him feel very hurt and violated, and there's already one of you feeling like that.!

I think you need to speak to him about it honestly and watch his reaction.

luvumum · 02/06/2010 16:39

hello, I'm so sorry that you feeling so upset! I think you should wait and make sure it is him by messaging him some more, ask the type of questions that you know the answers to and ask to meet him on a day/night that you know that he is suppose to be with you, even arrange to meet him but don't turn up so you could spy to see if it is really him.

Flighttattendant · 02/06/2010 16:39

Oh sorry, cross posted - check the history by all means but you might not need to tell him you have done so, if you ask him about it he is likely to admit it imo.

The less you have conned him into it, the better the outcome is likely to be, if he is honest with you that is.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 16:39

You need to stop this and never mention it again or ask him about it.

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 16:41

Ok ladies, glad I ran that one past you first - thanks.

Will see what the internet history says and report back. He'll be in from work shortly and I'm out tonight so may not be able to update until the morning.

OP posts:
CheekyPinkSox · 02/06/2010 16:46

Ok CS we'l be here waiting. have a good night

wannaBe · 02/06/2010 17:22

I do hear what people are saying re confronting him and potentially not getting answers, but we need to bear in mind that this is not mainstream cheating we are talking about, the reality is that he may not admit to anything because he may not be ready to do so, even to himself.

If he does have issues re his sexuality then he is clearly not comfortable admitting those yet as he's supposedly in a heterosexual relationship, with a woman.

There are a lot of emotions at steak here, not just the op's, but her dp's, those of his family (I can't imagine it's easy as a parent potentially being given that kind of news about your son), his friends, work colleagues... etc.

I do believe that op needs to know, but in this instance I don't think that asking him is the way to go about finding out, because he may simply not be ready to tell. And it may have nothing to do with the wish to betray, it may simply have to do with the fact he can't admit it to himself, many people struggle with gender identity issues for years because it's still not seen as an accepted way to be, and coming out as transsexual means changing your whole identity, and the associated rejection that goes with that (and there is rejection, because not everyone is accepting). That is why so many men, and women transsexuals do marry, and have children, and do actually have close relationships with their partners before coming out.

Op - you do need to know, but I think that you unfortunately do need to go about it in a slightly more roundabout way, because I think it's unlikely he'll tell you.

So I would gather some evidence, ask him for a picture, or even just his name?

Only once you have this information can you begin to decide where you go from here.

Many people do stay with their transsexual partners, my friend would have if he hadn't decided to start seeing other men, but that is a very personal thing, and you should not feel pressured into going or staying.

MakeMineABellini · 02/06/2010 17:38

If he is into this and prepared ot meet up with somebody- his family don't need to knwo do they? His future partner would IMO.

BalloonSlayer · 02/06/2010 17:46

CompletelyShocked - what have you told him about your fake self on this site?

You say it's a transsexual dating site. That would imply it is primarily for transsexual people to find partners. As he is non-transsexual, I assume he is posting seeking a transsexual man, as you have said you are pretending to be a man.

Have you not had to put up a photo or some details about yourself? What have you said?

Have you mentioned "how far down the line" in the transsexual process you are? There must be a massive difference - appearance wise - between someone who has just started the hormone treatment and someone who has had the Big Op. What have you said?

BalloonSlayer · 02/06/2010 17:49

@wannabee "If he does have issues re his sexuality then he is clearly not comfortable admitting those yet as he's supposedly in a heterosexual relationship, with a woman."

Can we define transsexual man? Is that someone who is now a man but who was born a woman?

Or someone who was born, and still currently is, a man, but who is seeking to become a woman?

It's important.

MakeMineABellini · 02/06/2010 17:54

I was under the impression it was man to woman.

BalloonSlayer · 02/06/2010 18:11

MakeMineABellini Well if that is the case then the OP is not a secret gay, merely a secretive guy.

Men who are the partners of Male to Female transsexuals are considered heterosexual.

This is the reason for my 17.46 post. There are a lot of possible permutations here.

He may just be fascinated. I keep buying books about people trying to climb Mountains and getting into trouble. The subject absolutley fascinates me: what motivates these people etc. It doesn't mean I would ever want to climb a mountain myself - I might spill my tea, for God's sake.

Dollytwat · 02/06/2010 18:14

Wannabe the OP said earlier

By CompletelyShocked Wed 02-Jun-10 10:33:27
Sorry, should maybe have said ealier. I'm not a woman on the site, I'm a man

Dollytwat · 02/06/2010 18:15

and then was verified by Posie

By posieparker Wed 02-Jun-10 14:28:31
Can I just verify that completely shocked is real.....I have just received a message from her on fb.

can someone calrify please {smile}

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