Signs your long-term relationship is petering out

[Tesla]

If your partner of 8 years lives many miles away and when he comes to visit stays a week or so, but ignores you most of the time, does not wish to go out anywhere with you and now claims he can't sleep in the same bed with you because he's become allergic to the perfume you're wearing -when you don't wear any - and also responds to the question, "Are we still a couple or not?" with either, "I refuse to answer that/ I don't want you to know", also does not phone you, takes days to respond to text messages and then only brief/succinct, emails only in response and then never,ever, ever signs off with any sentiments such as miss you, love you, etc. Never sends birthday, Valentine, Christmas cards or presents, claims to be too busy to stay at Christmas, and can't afford to drive down to see you because he's skint, or when he does visit, it might be very irregular such as for a week, then nothing for 6 months, then another few days, then nothing for a couple of months, and you never know when he'll next visit nor will he commit to any kind of regular visits,...

does it means he's just not that into you anymore, his love long since faded, and you're just hanging on out of stupidity? Should you just bear the heartbreak and dump him and find a new man who actually wants to be with you, love you and cherish you?
especially if there's young kdis involved?

I've tried every measure going to keep communication alive in this long-distance relationship and pine for him when he's not here but can hardly bear the anxiety anymore of never knowing when he'll next visit. I'm utterly in love and always have been, so how can I get him to communicate with me and reassure me he still loves and wants me, depite the distance.

I've asked for an occassional "Hang in there, I know you miss me, I'll see you soon" but he refuses to give me even that tiny morsel of reassurance

I'm slowly becoming heartbroken, I feel like the most important relationship in my life is slipping into history.

Sorry to sound harsh, but in what way is this person your "partner"?

Blimey. Are you sure this man even knows he's in a relationship with you? 6 months between visits? Really? And then he ignores you? And - excuse me - DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW whether you're still a couple? He's playing mind games surely.

What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship?

Are you sure you're in love with him - and not just your idea of who you would like him to be?

Sorry that's a lot of questions (mostly rhetorical).

I think - no, I know - you deserve better.

I once read on here that everyone who is in a long term relationship deserves to feel utterly cherished and loved and should accept nothing less. So true.

Dump him.

Sorry this isn't not the magic wand you wanted.

In what way is this the most important relationship of your life? Because he doesn't seem to share your view. I'm afraid that it doesn't sound anything but an unhealthy obsession on your part, and a semi-reluctant shag on his. Of course you shouldn't be wasting your time and affection like this- for your own sake, draw a line under it and move on. If it's any consolation, there aren't kids involved- they must barely know him.

This is one of the strangest things I have read on this forum.

Portia sums up what I would have said.

Move on for your sake and his.

Tesla, this man is not your partner. Please stop adoring him and move on, look for someone who will love you and will be proud to be called your partner. It is actually quite embarrassing to read your post. Imagine a friend of yours had written it... what would you tell her?

"responds to the question, "Are we still a couple or not?" with either, "I refuse to answer that/ I don't want you to know""

He sounds cruel, why would anyone not answer that? There obviously is no 'relationship' in any normal sense. You deserve more than that. Find someone new who cares about you....

This relationship is not petering out. It's over, and it's been over for a long time. I'd bet good money on there being another partner, if not another family, on the scene. He doesn't even come for Christmas?

He's told you it's over, love. When you ask if you're still a couple and he says "I don't want you to know", he's telling you. When he takes days to reply to a text message, when he doesn't call, doesn't remember your birthday, doesn't visit for six months at a time, he's telling you it's over. When you ask him to say 'I know you miss me you'll see me soon' and he refuses, he's telling you.

How can you get him to communicate, you ask? He is communicating. He's communicating loud and clear: he doesn't want to sleep with you, doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't want to go out anywhere with you, doesn't want to spend Christmas with you, or remember your birthday, or ring to talk, or bother to reply to your texts.

I'm sorry. I know that's a painful thing to read. But you, and your children, deserve a lot more than this. This - this is worse than nothing, and you must salvage some self respect and move on. He has.

Tesla, love, I am so for you - there is nothing there. I can't see why he bothers to come at all, tbh - unless it's to get out of a worse situation wherever he is the rest of the time.

Do you have DC with this man? If so, maybe that is why he comes.

He has another family/relationship, doesn't he. Even if you haven't said so, it stands out from your post - won't spend any major holidays/celebrations with you, irregular visits, no loving sign offs, large gaps between visits - I bet he only gives you short notice whenever he does turn up as well, doesn't he.

Let him go - if the DC are his, then go through the courts for maintenance/ contact orders - but you need to let him go, out of your heart, out of your head, out of your life (mostly) and move on. Find someone who has some respect for you as a person and a woman, someone who loves you and you alone. No one deserves to be treated like this and it seems like you have put up with his shit for entirely too long.

"does it means he's just not that into you anymore, his love long since faded, and you're just hanging on out of stupidity? Should you just bear the heartbreak and dump him and find a new man who actually wants to be with you, love you and cherish you?
especially if there's young kdis involved?"

Yes it does. Sorry.

Why does he even bother to come see you at all?

Sorry, but he has another family, he's not even really stringing you along, he's just waiting for you to dump him, cos he doesn't have the balls or the decency to do the right thing and officially call time on something that's been dead for a long time.

Go see a solicitor, get divorce proceedings started and don't let him stay with you again. The way he's treating you is tantamount to abuse, cos it's pretty close to contemptuous.

Take charge, take the upper hand and take back your life, you can't go on like this and you are teaching your DC how men treat women... would you wish this on anyone?

thinking of you, come back and keep posting so we can help you through this.

I am so very sorry to read this

Tesla we are here for you.

I don't know if you will come back to this, and I don't know about him having another family, but it sounds a distinct possibility- but could the reason he hasn't definitively broken it off be because he thinks you will harm yourself? Have you ever implied anything like this? I am concerned that you may need some help coming to terms with things and dealing with your attachment to this non-relationship: have you seen your GP to get any help at all? It might be the next step.

Tesla, please come back and talk to us some more. The replies have been harsh but it's only because we feel utterly outraged by how you've allowed this man to treat you. You are worth so much more than that.

MN has on numerous occasions been an amazing source of strength and support to women who need to get out of rotten relationships and can't do it by themselves.

Lean on us. Cry on us. Shout at us. Get your life back together with us. But please please please talk to us. I'm worried about you.

Harm myself? No, I'm not that sort of person.
it's never been implied either. This life's not a dress rehearsal.

I'm not interested in seeing the GP for pills, never been on them in my life nor do I intend to start now, especially not with children.

Yes, the children are both his. He visits to see them and stays here as he couldn't afford a hotel for the duration.

Occassionally he buys little gifts such as keyrings and does some DIY around the house when he's here. We can go out with the kids for the day, but he'll never suggest it, and I will fund it entirely else we wouldn't go at all.

He doesn't kiss or hug me unless I ask and I once pestered him for sex only to be told I was 'molesting' him with my requests. Without too much detail, you know when you're in bed and someone has to initiate things, kiss and a cuddle, to start the ball rolling, but that stage he calls molesting him.

It's never occurred to me there's someone else, certainly not another family! (He couldn't afford another family, only helps with £5 a week for this one!) Someone else
it could explain his lack of physical interest in me, but I'd hope his scruples would prevent me, his does have them. Maybe it's blind trust, I am notoriously gullible when it comes to people. I think even my own sister has just pulled a fast one on me recently, which was a bit unexpected.

Having said that, I once lived with a vicar's son and he was unfaithful to me, if you can't trust a vicar's son, who can you!

Reading back, I can see it sounds like a bad case of unrequited love, but he has actually been my partner for 8 years, it's just distance that's not helping matters.

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything from this relationship at all except for grief and heartache. I think you're trying to cling on to something that was long since over and if I were you I'd be redrawing the boundaries - tell him he can't stay with you when he comes to visit the DCs any more, tell him he needs to start seeing them regularly (6 months between visits WTF?!) and that he sould be making more of a financial contribution (£5 a week? Again, WTF?!).

Stop hanging on for any scraps of attention that he throws your way. It's eroding your self esteem and allowing him to get away with behaving appallingly towards you and your children.

Hi Tesla - why does he live so far away? If he has no money, why is he not with you all the time?

Sorry to pester you with questions but I'm trying to see your relationship's workings (or not).

Mind you, if he does have another family it would explain his lack of free funds for yours.

Are you married to him?

It honestly sounds like he has another family

No it's not 'just distance' that's the problem, unless by that you mean his emotional distance, which is massive.

Why would a father choose not to be with his children at Christmas? That part really does ring alarm bells for the other family theory. Have you visited him at his home? Do you have a home number for him?

He lives far away because I moved to be nearer practical support from my extended family with the new baby. We're not married. He's unemployed, but earns on the side.

He won't give me his landline number. I can't visit him, he's too far away and I don't drive, the train journey would be several hours, not great with children. He didn't want to b e here for Christmas, well actually I dont really know, I think he said he was busy, or that I'd annoyed him recently so he didn't want to be here.

Sorry Tesla - everything you say just adds to the "other family" theory.

Have you really never considered that might be the case? What was he like before you moved so far away - was he round all the time? How long ago did you move? And, tbh, if he had no job, WTF did he not move with you?

And what is it about him that is to "love"? I am very confused.

what job did he do when you met?

He couldn't accommodate 'another family' in his house!
I think this 'other family' is implausible, he's just not a conventional enough type of person, he didnt really even want children with me I don't think - anyone else, but not me. He even said that once, although it could have been just said to wound.

No, he wasnt around all the time before I moved away, he tended to stay at his onw house mostly and visit us irregularly at my rented house. He was reluctant even then as it cost him petrol money, though he could have got the bus. His visits depend entirely on how he 'feels' about me at particular times, whetehr I've intentionally or unintentionally 'upset' his feelings.

I moved about a year ago.

He has two houses where he lives, he has to stay there to 'guard his possessions' from vandalism and theft, he says. This also prevents him form visiting his children very often, as he has to guard his possessions.